My dear, I shall not even pretend to understand what goes on in your head.
After twenty one years, I thought I knew you. Yet I cannot fathom why you dropped me (after 21 years, gddmt it!), and then started seeing that fellow.
It just makes no sense. I was there with you, and for you, during more than two decades.
You decided it had run its course, nothing more could be said. So you didn't even discuss what was going on in your mind, but presented me with a conclusion.
How the hell am I supposed to react when it's over? When you have already made a decision, regarding both of us, and thrown 21 years out the door?
Yes, I know you still like me, and that after all is said and done we share too much to break off all contact.
But we could've gone from the romance straight to the friendship a helluva lot faster.
And don't you think it would have been fairer to have at least involved me in the decision making process? My life too, you know - you've chucked two decades of it down the drain.
I haven't. I wouldn't do anything different. Those were happy years, many people don't ever have that much. I know your parents did not have it, they had fifty years of marriage, and ended up with less than we did. Your father faithfully watched "divorce court" like it was a religious experience.
My grandfather eventually considered the woman he married his personal insane response to the Bolshevik revolution - the photo I have that shows him and several other American officers, rail thin, celebrating his wedding in the American Mission in Kermanshah, probably represents the happiest and most normal day of his marriage. Their Russian cavalry swords are brawnier than they, it must have been an interesting time.
My own parents were not the best of matches - I've often thought that two such intelligent and complex people would've been far better friends than they were a married couple.
In the years that they were together, how happy were they?
But you and I had twenty one years, and those were exceptionally good years. Why did you not say anything? It was only in your mind, in the last six months, that it changed. You know I'm a bit oblivious, just like I know that you are neurotically obsessive.
I am certain that we could nevertheless have talked it out, you did not need to worry it to pieces. It need not have ended.
But it did. You terminated it.
Stubborn woman.
Your explanation still does not make sense.
I cannot ask you what really went on in your head - it's likely that you don't even know at this point, and too many months have passed - like all of us, you've reformulated your memories, and the thing is done.
Now you're seeing that man in a wheelchair. He has not known you for a fraction of the time that I have. What on earth will he give you that will last? Personally I don't see it. It's not likely I ever could.
I'm not betting on more than a year, though.
At some point I will find someone who is far better able to communicate with me. Someone who likes me for all the reasons that I like myself, the things that I admire about other people. Someone who herself is infinitely likeable and loveable, flexible, perspicacious and intelligent, and who can gently overlook whatever roughness that, after twenty one years of tumbling, I might still have.
Compared to you, I am a relatively easy person - I am socially functional.
And now worn smoother than I ever was before.
You and I will still be friends, my dear, but she may be better able to relate to you than I at that point. She'll have fewer raw spots and hard edges than me. Less grit in the emotional loafers.
I was a smooth man untill you decided that it wasn't what you wanted.
Did you really have to wait 21 years for that?
Sweetheart, my life could've been quite different if you had lost interest far sooner.
You're still a wonderful person. And I do want you to remain part of my life. But the next person who captures my heart will have precedence, that's just the way it will have to be.
You will always have a voice. But she'll have a veto.
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3 comments:
Their cavalry swords are brawnier than they, it must have been an interesting time.
Not their Calvary swords?
this post gives me hope for your emotional future.
remember your part in this too, my friend-and i have been in similar situations, one right now involving only 7 years, not 21, and another involving an 11 year marriage. but if you're going to put this up on the net without embarassment i feel it's only fair to reply in kind, if only for the benefit of my brothers out there who have been similarly treated by our modern amazons:
it took you 21 years, too, to learn something not only about this woman, but about women in general. (i may be accused of misogyny here, and i strongly deny the accusation a priori- i love women- and one in particular, in fact)and here it is:
they make their decisions, and act on them, and make whatever explanations they deem necessary to mollify us while they "move foward", and only later do the actual details become clear to us, and then we spend years writhing in pain while they continue the path they chose long before we had an inkling, even, of their choice. we can stew, and ponder, and suffer for years. as i did.
or, we find another one. those are pretty much the options, as i see it (unless you want to investigate homosexuality, be my guest, but i personally just don't have it in me. so to speak).
but i would not be surprised to find that you will be surprised with yet more details in the future about things that were going on in "savage kittens" mind and life many months (or even years) before you became aware of them. if you ever do. and, imo, it has ever been thus. they are stronger, and smarter, and tougher, and capable of even greater cruelty than we (men) are- and that's saying quite a bit. i often wonder if this is why the creator gave us (men), on average, 15% more muscle mass- to give us a fighting chance. which we of course abused and took advantage of (historically) to create the patriarchal society which they (women) are now (rightfully) rebelling against.
sorry if this is all to philosophical and historical and blah blah, and also if i misread your post and it doesn't really apply to you. but it's happened to me twice now, and believe me, i had no idea where it was coming from. i believe "blindsided" would be the appropriate term and i feel for you, brotha. be strong, take heart, and most especially : gird your fucking loins. you're going to need it.
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