Thursday, January 20, 2011


I've always been fond of Moomins. But more so of Snufkin, and the Hemulen, both of whom have characteristics which I will NOT admit to sharing, but with which I can identify.

No, I'm not off my rocker, merely remembering fondly some books I read as a child, reread in my teenage years, and have since occasionally read yet again. Most of the characters ('moomin trolls') can best be described as Scandinavian hippopotami, although some resemble humans.

Snufkin, in particular, seemed a person worth emulating. Not so much in the clothes department as in his fervent dislike of fences and signs. One can well sympathize with him. There are far too many irritating signs in this world that tell you what you may not do.
No smoking. No food or drink. No walking on the grass.
No singing. No wearing flipflops. No public micturation.

[Okay, I'll admit that there may actually be a use for that last one.]

The problem is that I can also understand the Park Keeper's point of view.

[The Park Keeper, like all Hemulens, is obsessive. Absolutely nothing is permitted in his park.]

Little greenhatted anarchists like Snufkin are responsible for much that is wrong with the world. The campaign that Snufkin wages against the Park Keeper seems, more than anything else, designed to drive him mad.


Perhaps the most likeable of all the many characters in the Moomin universe is Fillyjonk.
Obsessive-compulsive, neurotic, and a totally retentive neat-freak.
Things must be in their proper place, and everything must be clean.

It is extremely upsetting when the world is not exactly as it should be.
Sterile. Spotless. Squeaky.

"Bacteria! Worms! Maggots! Creepy-crawlies! Don't touch them!"

For more images of Moomin people, go here:

We all know individuals like that. The type is universal. And very entertaining.
I've had teachers who resembled Fillyjonk, as well as a colleague.
One of my friends has a mother in law who is Fillyjonk personified (it drives him up the wall).

Such people can be likeable, loveable even.
But they are not anyone you wish to resemble.

Things will not always be right.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


Jewish Blogger said...

Snufkin? That's like Sniffykins!

Remember Rabbi Offhisrockerski's letter from almost six years ago?

A few months ago, some innocent kannoim ruined nossy the nutter sniffykins life. It’s as simple as that.

In previous generations, that would have been enough for the torah true community. But we are not uncivilized cavemen. We hear rumors. And rumors of rumors. And rumors of rumors of rumors. And rumors of those rumors too. Enough with the rumors already ! I have heard erliche baal habatim and hard working mevazay torah struggle with the emunas kanoim that the charedi velt stands upon !

And in the process, we don’t realize that the faith in the people we turn to, when we want to slander an opponent, the people we ask to destroy our rivals, the people who decide which bans will get written this week, the people who do all our dirty work, is slowly being destroyed bit by bit.

Kanoim don’t have web sites. They don’t have PR firms. So, I have decided to represent them myself. My audience is only those who agree entirely with everything I say. If you don’t accept that everything I say is true, then this letter is not for you !

There are two questions to address. First, can we trust the kanoim? Second, do I know anything at all about science and torah, or am I a complete dimwit?

The back of the hill said...

hard working mevazay torah

emunas kanoim

Dos zainen tzvai riezige konzepten! B’emmes!

Jewish Blogger said...

The Kanoim

There have been a number of claims against the kanoim:

1. The kanoim can’t read. Period.
2. The kanoim are just a bunch of thugs
3. The kanoim are all criminals and we should be embarrassed to even have these people in our midst.

Before I answer these claims, take a minute to reflect on this. Do you realize the implications ? That the kanoim don’t know what they are doing ?

If you believe that, then that’s the end of emunas kanoim ! And the end of emunas chachomim ! And the end of emunas Chazal. And the end of Torah ! And the end of Hashem ! It’s the end of Judaism as we know it ! Fundamentalist Judaism cannot exist without Kanoim !

I have personally spoken to a number of these kanoim, and believe me, they are really upset. I don’t remember the last time I saw them so pissed.

Let me tell you a maaseh. A yeshivah bochur went to one kanoi and said, ‘I have read about you in the papers, and your criminal record is quite impressive!’

‘F*** you’ screamed the kanoi, and kicked him in the goolies !

What has happened to nattypoo fartypants is tragic, and all the more so because it was entirely avoidable. All he had to was immediately give in to the demands of the kanoim, make a nice fat donation to a ‘charity’ of their choice, and he would have gotten away with just a mild beating.

Now think for a moment. If you were selling a food product, and you found out that over 20 thugs from the local mafia were threatening you for protection money, would you continue without paying ?! If I found out that the mafia was after me, I would get on my knees and beg for my life !

Nossyfattyboy-sniffypoos-fartykins claims that if he could only talk to the kanoim, it might have been avoided.

But that’s the point! The kanoim don’t want to sit around while that fat, stupid bastard nosson explains them some Torah! They just want to beat the crap out of him and move on to the next guy!

And rest assured, the kanoim know how to beat the crap out of someone, and it pains me to even have to say that.

The back of the hill said...

Azoy derklern unzre kanoim: farbotn iz doz eivilutzion, ez kon nit zain echt - ez shtait nit in toireh! Es iz nor goyishkeit.

Gradda, elektrisitait shtait oich nit in toireh.......

A Rov said...

Un elektrisitait iz oych nit echt.

The back of the hill said...

Und kompiutern zainen gonz unmiglech!

A Rov said...


The back of the hill said...

Men dorf aigentlich nit banitsen a kompiuter, oiber mit oign dicht iz es liftor fir chosheve leite.

Jewish Blogger said...

Understand who these kanoim are. We are not talking about your average local right wing extremists. We are talking about hard core dangerous criminals! These are the kanoim who have been elected by the Gedolim of this generation to beat the crap out of anyone they disagree with! You don’t get to be a kanoi by election. It takes years of extremist behavior, criminal convictions and unpleasant allegations before you can be zoche to be a kanoi.

The problem is that with our western style of education, we have been told that its wrong to beat people up, its wrong to have a criminal record, its wrong to be full of hate. Now it appears that the Kanoim are on the side of darkness. But we need to free ourselves of this misconception. The Gedolim have paskened that the Kanoim are okay. Do you really think our Gedolim would have listened to the Kanoim if they didn’t respect them ? Of course not. The Gedolim hold of the Kanoim and we must too!


There have been a number of claims about me and Science & Torah.

1. I know nothing about Science.
2. I know very little about Torah.
3. I don’t know much about anything else, except maybe platonic relationships.

Well, the Gedolim have appointed me as their spokesperson in all these matters. And they obviously know all the above too. So if they appointed me, they must have taken all this into account! I must be qualified!

Do you know that scientists 2000 years ago thought the world was flat?

Do you know that scientists of the last century did not know about modern science? Do you know that new scientific discoveries are being found every day? Scientists change their mind all the time! How can we possibly trust them?! Gedolim on the other hand haven’t changed their minds about science in 2000 years! A sure sign that they must be correct! Science to this day still hasn’t figured out where all those half-earth-half-mouse creatures are hiding! This proves all scientists are fools.

And do you honestly think scientists are not biased?

Scientists begin with the assumption that they must expend all their efforts to prove that some obscure Babylonian rabbi of the 4th century is wrong. That is the whole basis of science! They are not doing it for the betterment of mankind! No, they are doing it all lehachis against our holy Gedolim!

And do you honestly think that all scientists are not reshoim? Holocaust deniers exist. Nazi’s exist! But only scientists are free from evil?! Of course not. Since the scientists directly contradict our holy Gedolim and Kannoim, they must be evil too!

I think from the above you can get a good idea of my knowledge of Science.

The back of the hill said...

Ergo the Rambam was evil. Seeing as the Rambam was a man of science. And doctors (like, for instance, the Rambam) are complete evil, given that so much of what they do is informed by science - science which flat-out contradicts the tiefe riezige gelerntkeit un wissensheft of chazal, who al pi mesora knew so much more than today's gedoilim. And if, as we know, each generation is worse than the one which preceded it, it follows that knowing more than the great men of the past is the ultimate evil. Fortunately the gedoilim and kanoim hador can never be accused of that failing.

Whereas scientists, who CLEARLY know more than chazal...... it is obvious that science must be banned, to preserve the saintlike ignorance of the present.

Parson Brown said...

I agree holehartedly with BOTH's assertions.

Jewish Blogger said...

In his books and personal views, Nossy-flossy-crappy-spacky has it all backwards. He think you should use your sechel.

If something cannot possibly exist, maybe you should think twice before believing in it.

Our Gedolim and Kanoim however take a different approach. As long as some extremist Rabbi at some point in Jewish history seemed to believe in some retarded local superstition, however ridiculous, we are mechuyav to believe in it too ! Demons, devils, dibukkim, mermaids, birds growing from trees, spontaneously generating lice, half-earth-half-mice creatures, birds the size of small towns, Metatron, Magnobot, mermaids, sea monsters, the loch ness monster, the golem – its all true!

But dinosaurs – Chas vesholom! No Godol ever believed in dinosaurs. Except the Tiferes Yisrael. And Rav kook. And R SR Hirsh. But forget them! We cut them out of the mesorah, so they don’t count!


A frum scientist once quoted Rav Dessler.

However a well known Kanoi intimidated him into retracting. Let me quote from this kanoi: ‘It is dangerous to say any Jewish views, because you may get it wrong, and then we will have to beat the crap out of you! Leave all the Jewish stuff to the Gedolim, or better yet, the Kanoim’. Rabosai, we dare not utter any Torah, the Kanoim might beat the crap out of us!

Let finish by selectively quoting individual words and individual letters from various books by R Shimshon Refael Hirsch himself:

"The …… kannoim….. are……always……correct. N....o…..s…..s….o…..n……is….a…..kofer !”.

See! R Hirsh, who isn’t even a part of our mesorah, agrees with me! Now you must too, Or else I will send round the kanoim to smash yer face in.

lexicologically amphibious said...

Holehartedly: in the manner of a Swiss deer.

The back of the hill said...

Tayere Jewish Blogger,

I would not dare disagree with the gedolim and the kanoim. Especially harav Martha Stewart, who determines precisely what goes into our heilige tsholnt, and what fleishedikke plates are appropriate for that dish.
Indeed, I keenly await cooking instructions, tax form instructions, recommendations for kosher car mechanics (must be bearded, and NOT work on shabbes, just like my car), and indeed suggestions about which ultra-hechshered hotel to stay at over peysach.

As well as a style guide to writing pashkevilim – clearly the fastest growing category of mussar shmuzerei, and one with a glorious future.

Please forward my blog address to all the kanoim, as well as the shtrengest rabbonim in the five towns.
I sharpen my quill and lick my lips in anticipation of their lomdishe feedback.
Kol de-aved fanatikim l’tav aveid.

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein said...


My head is spinning. And as a result the Retzuois from my Shel Roish are swingin wildly in an effort to strike you all down like the Minuvalim that you are.

NO ONE can speak for the Kanoim -- They are certainly capable of speaking for themselves, since they themselves are speaking for the Reboinoisheloilum, Bichvoidoi U'Viatzmoi. The are the true defenders of the faith, while we (well, actually, you) are but small insects operating in their shadows.

The Kanoim -- and they have always existed, in every age -- are the purveyors of truth and beauty (or Truth and Beauty, in a Platonic sense). They are infallible, since they speak for Hakadoshboruchhu, and She is infallible. Why the RAMBAM himself in his Aristotalian ideas was challenged by the Kanoim. Although on some issues he was quite Kanoi himself (See under = Karaites).

It was the Kanoim who warned us of the dangers of Kabbalah, of the dangers of Chassidism, of the dangers of the State of Israel. They warned us not to abandon our faiths in the face of doubt -- No there was no need to abandon Europe, only those who had true faith and remained would pass the test. (Oops...)

Rabboisai -- Every generation has its Kanoim. That they continue to exist and fight against the new spiritual threats arising in every Dor is itself the greatest proof of Darwinism.

Luckily our nation is blessed with enough mindless sheep who follow blindly.

Hey, it's a living!


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