Wednesday, December 09, 2009


Over cocktails, a friend mentioned that he has to give his children 'the talk'. You know, 'that one'...., the one about the birds and the bees. He is NOT looking forward to it.

I can sympathize with his trepidation.
I remember my father's version of 'the talk'. It was shortened considerably by the fact that both of us boys in theory already knew all about human reproduction by the time we were nine years old (it was the practical aspects with which we had no experience).
My father's version of the talk was, accordingly, simple.

"Always keep yourself clean, especially your privates - some nice young thing might stick her tongue down there."

At this point, my brother turned green and ran from the room making retching sounds.
When he returned, the talk resumed:

"When you masturbate, hair grows on the palms of your hands."

This second datum, delivered with a straight face, had the desired effect.
Again my brother left the room.

That was it. Simple.

[You could expand it by adding in the advice he gave me when my pipe-smoking had been discovered: "Stay away from the perfumed crap; good tobacco shouldn't smell like a Turkish cat house".]


My friend, on the other hand, is dealing with a darker and more complex world. He has daughters.
And there is no guarantee that their school has touched upon human reproduction.

I doubt that I am the best person to ask for advice. Never the less.


Girls, you aren't supposed to have sex. Yet you are reaching the age when you may think about it.
There are five rules that all boil down to 'safe sex'.

Avoid getting pregnant, avoid getting infected, avoid getting abused, avoid getting talked about, avoid getting found out.

The best method for achieving all of these aims is abstinence, but let's be realistic.

Know about your body and about basic biology - pregnancy is most likely to ensue during your fertile period, which starts more or less nine or ten days after the beginning of the menses, and continues till retirement age, errrrm, I mean until a few days before the next period. Fercrapessakes, read up on it!
Condoms are the best method of avoiding the transfer of sperm other than abstinence, the pill goes a long way towards preventing fertilization, but has side effects, and is contra-indicated in many cases.

Condoms help prevent infections, but are NOT guaranteed. Consequently you must be extremely careful in your choice of partners. Not all diseases are curable, many have long incubation periods. Sexually Transmitted Diseases are a fascinating subject, please read all about it.
A clean, intelligent, kind, and well-behaved person (good manners, morals, and ethics) is probably far less likely to be the Typhoid Mary of the clap than the captain of the football team or the class delinquent. Evenso, assume that most teenage boys are carriers of something vile, and you probably won't be far wrong.
AIDS is incurable.

Sports jocks are oafs. You should not associate with boys who are selfish or domineering.
If a boy with whom you are in a relationship hits you or verbally abuses you, cripple the bastard. Preferably before things have gone any further than holding hands.
Your mom and dad are here to bail you out if you get arrested.

Boys only want one thing. Whether or not they get it, they will talk about it. Some of them will talk trash and name names when they haven't even gotten within a mile of it. On the other hand, some boys go nuts if they don't or no longer get it. At which point the entire school will know about it. Consequently there are many boys whom you must avoid.
Girls also talk trash, and some will gladly make another girl out for slut.
Choose whom you associate with carefully.
Sex is like net ninety terms; once it has been put on the table by the morons in the sales department, it just will not go away.
If anybody ever calls you a slut, break their jaw.

If you have a relationship, no one needs to hear about it. Not your classmates, not the neighbors, not your relatives. If you cannot guarantee complete discretion and silence (in other words, don't get pregnant, don't get infected, don't get abused, don't get talked about, don't get found out), don't even take the risk. Ninety percent of the foregoing about personal association and common sense choices applies here as well.
Avoid football players, bullies, delinquents, or trash talkers. Clowns too.

The safest partner is someone who knows exactly what is at stake and what both of you have to loose. This means an intelligent, well-mannered, insightful, and considerate person. Someone who is likely to keep confidences and secrets, and will not embarrass you, or weasel-out on you.
Which, almost by definition, is someone beyond their teenage years who is not into sports. A mature individual, like an engineer or an accountant, heaven forbid!

There are risks.

So you should probably wait until you're eighteen before you jump into the sack with anyone. Better yet, wait until you've graduated college.
A doctorate. At least a Masters Degree.



One might get the impression from the foregoing that sex should be avoided, being more trouble than it's worth. That is by no means correct.
I'm sure my readers realize that sex is as good as food. But it should NOT be shared with the world. Whether you like tight frilly panties (still occupied, OR nicely laundered), constricting naughty garments, or even unguents, heating lotions, and a black tarpaulin, go ahead and do your thing.
Just don't be messy about it, get to know the person first, and for heavens sakes keep it private.
If you live at home, don't forget to wash your sheets.

Oh and by the way - smoking is bad. Stay away from tobacco.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:

All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


appreciatively amphibious said...

"Sex is like net ninety terms"? Gee, that seems like eroticising accounting.
P.S.: if your afterword doesn't flush out Grant Patel, nothing will.

The back of the hill said...

Somebody identifying itself as "phone sex" left the following message:
"Sex having no meaning requires that we trust ourselves when being sexual. First, it means making choices from a vast array of options. Will we make good choices? Choices that reveal things about us we're defended against? This is far worse than simply being exposed as having lust in your heart. Will we be attracted to activities that "good people" are not? Will our choices hurt our partner, our family, our country?"

Okay, that was just the weirdest damn spam ever. What the heck is sex with meaning? That bit about defended choices is pretty gibberant, the remark about lust in the heart indicates a Jimmy Carteresque guilt thing, and speculating that choices could hurt the country are stark raving insane.

Blecccch! And bleaghhhh!

Go away, you ickey phone-sexer. I don't mind perverts, but creeps give me the pip.

Tzipporah said...

LOL @ "sex is like net ninety"


Personally, I'm perfectly happy for the toddler to be busy as all get-out in his teen years, so long as he uses protection. And doesn't hang out with smokers.

The back of the hill said...

And doesn't hang out with smokers.

Unless, of course, it was a young lady with exceptional taste in pipes and pipe-tobacco.
For instance a nice petite fille who collected Charatans or the higher grade Comoys, and smoked something composed of at least 35% Latakia, 25% Djubec or Yenidje, and the rest mellow Virginias.

I suggest Samuel Gawith's 'Squadron Leader'.

Quote: "Bright and Dark Virginias blended together with Latakia and Turkish leaf to make this a cool medium bodied smoke."

Doesn't that sound exquisite?

A little miss who favoured that product would, believe me, be a catch worth holding on to. Quite the perfect companion.

The back of the hill said...

Either that or Greg Pease's Westminster. Even Maltese Falcon, Odyssey, or Cairo.

But that would be a little predictable, as so many American pipe-smokers praise Greg Pease effusively. The Dark Lord can do no wrong in their eyes. Everyone has heard of GLP at this point.

Someone who discovered Samuel Gawith on her own and recognized it as darn fine and sexy stuff would be exceptional. And also exceptionally loveable. Very charming indeed.

Spiros said...

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience."
"Yes, but as meaningless experiences's right up there."

Absolute Celibacy said...

Remember my blog?

Anonymous said...

Silly celibacy person -- your blog is obsolete. Have you finally given up and realized that Hashem gave us the capacity for pleasure for a reason?!?

Hashem wants us to have sex.


Anonymous said...

My phone does not want to have sex.


The back of the hill said...

Maybe your phone doesn't go all the way to the top?

It's just a thought.

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