Monday, December 22, 2008

PRE-EMPTIVE BAH HUMBUG!

I dislike Christmas. I dislike the shopping season. I dislike the nudniks who dive headfirst into the shopping season as the be-all and end-all of their pathetic consumerite existences. But most of all, I dislike Christmas music.


There is something infernal about the same twenty songs played over and over again, in different versions as sung by different smarm-meisters, many of them small and shrill and cute, that eventually rots brains. You did not WANT to memorize these songs. After all, the words are uniformly sappy and vapid - but here you are, humming them to yourself or even whistling the tunes.


ALIENS!

It's all a dastardly plot. The multi-clawed crab creatures from planet nine are just waiting for your brain to turn to lime-jello under the influence of repetitious bad music, whereupon they will land and herd all of you into cattle pens. They need protein, you are meat. And, after the stress-damage to your cerebellum from saccharine lyrics, you are now very dumb meat. There is no sentience left, I can see the scrambled brain matter trickling out of your long-suffering ears. It has been replaced with sugar plums, and you, yes you, are now particularly sweet.

[The brain-fill sugar plums came from WalMart. They were made in China. By slaves in prison-camps. They contain dangerous chemicals. But they were SOOOOO cheap that you bought a ten-pound box for everybody in the trailer park. Which they will, as if addicted, scarf down entirely between xmas eve and new-year.s Then they will die. You will have killed them with that toxic sugar goo. As well as yourself, because you ate TWO boxes. At least. Doesn't it feel goooooooooood?1/]


Jingle Bells, sung in Chinese by teeny urchins, is particularly nasty.
I wished to purchase something in C'town over the weekend - something entirely unconnected with the Trinitarian Feast of Greed© - and fled before I accomplished my mission.
I wish to protest this horrid tradition. I keenly desire to see all cd's of holiday music banned, burned, bombed, and just generally splintered. Smashed by angry bears. Then set fire to.


I am fervently praying for power blackouts and magnetic disturbances. May the celebrants this season all get the bollocky pox.

7 comments:

Tzipporah said...

Try this instead.

It's been stuck in my head and Bad Cohen's for a couple weeks now.

Guaranteed to banish any other tunes.
:)

e-kvetcher said...

Stay away from my Music Monday post then :)

Though it has a killer bassline...

Anonymous said...

Yes well it's definitely b(r)oom-box quality & has brushed Bing Crosby under the mat for me - maybe it will sweep the charts - I'm almost bristling with anticipation.

I have this winter established that the real reason why LEDs were invented is to provide nocturnal illumination of gutters & downpipes on properties which by daylight deserve no attention whatsoever

ho bl**dy ho the Coca-Cola truck has just flown overhead - it is all SO exciting!

Graham

e-kvetcher said...

Not quite Christmas music, but something to behold - especially around the 1:50 marker when the holy spirit moves a white man to breakdance.

The back of the hill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The back of the hill said...

And, speaking of the holy spirit, this is a great clip. The Fabulous John Belucious gets dat old-time ree-ligion.

Anonymous said...

Jake, you get wise...you get to Church!

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