Saturday, November 28, 2020


Every month I need to pay for a service. Recently, when I called to take care of the bill, I was offered two options. "We're offering a free medical alert device for seniors. If you are over fifty, press one. If not, press two". Well okay, I'm over fifty..... but I don't need a device.

Apparently that's not an option.

Look, I just want to pay my bill, I'm not interested in your device. "But our device is miraculous and comes at no cost to you." Just connect me to the bill-payment center. "It's a life-saver that no one can do without." No doubt, but this bill is due now. "Only a few questions ... " No, no questions, this is a payment. "This could make all the difference." No. Bill pay. Now. "Consider the advantages to your loved ones!" Bugger my loved ones, I want to pay my bill. "But before you do that..... " Listen sweetheart, I've got haemorrhoids, which might effing explode at any moment! "Our device does wonders for haemorrhoids! You can take it to the bathroom with you!" If I'm on the crapper I ain't gonna set off the device! "It is supernatural, it knows when you need help." Can it write out a praescription for preparation 'H' before it's needed? "Just apply it to your ass and all answers will be yours."

Okay, that's a slight exxageration. But when I indicated in the strongest terms that I. Had. Simply. Called. To. Pay. My. Damned. Bill. And. Was. Not. Interested. At. All. In. The Device. she transferred me to another person who was just as unpursuasively obdurate.

So I disconnected on the both of them.

When I called again I pressed two.

Medical alert devices in action.

It was like having the damned Jehovah's Witnesses working the phones. Or creepy stalkers. No, I'm not interested. 'Yes you are.' Not. 'Fess up, you're just playing coy.' Piss off you offensive twats. 'We can tell that you didn't mean that.'

I'm a bit peeved. Most of us ouwe knakkers over fifty don't need either medical alarm trumpets or prosyletizing dingos in our lives. That's why we come to the front door naked on weekend mornings bearing effigies of Satan and large voodoo sticks.

Damned missionaries, get off of my lawn!

Oh, you've brought a sacrifice!

Come along, little one.

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