RELENTLESSLY GAY

A woman living in Maryland received a note that expressed neighborly feelings of unease, probably by a loyal watcher of Fox News.

The note said this:

Dear resident of 4900 Kenwood Avenue, 

Your yard is becoming Relentlessly Gay!
Myself and others in the neighborhood ask that you Tone it Down. This is a Christian area and there are Children. 
Keep it up and I will be forced to call the Police on You! Your kind need to have respect for GOD.

A concerned Home Owner.

[End cite.]


I can just imagine the phone call to the authorities. It probably ends with the 911 operator sending out a squad armed with a large net and a straightjacket. Because, of course, calling the cops on a colourful garden is something only a complete loony would do.
A Fox-watching Christian.

I think everyone should make their yards 'Relentlessly Gay'. If I had a yard, I would be upping the gay quite considerably at this point. The rotten Halloween pumpkin would go, as would the rusty 1998 Dodge Neon on cinderblocks. Unless I decided that it would make a boffo planter if I painted it in rainbow colours and removed the roof.
Yes, potted pansies come to mind.

Just for the heck of it, a mural of butterflies on the side of the house. Because plain brick is depressing.

I just don't know. What, exactly, is relentlessly gay?  I need style pointers from my readers, because not being gay myself -- generally speaking fairly happy, yes, but not gay -- there are things that might not project the right balance of delirium, tie-dye, and tight leather decor.

Maybe I need more ABBA in my life.
I'm conflicted about that.


I get the impression that a Christian garden is a rather depressing place, where people are unhappy and go to kill themselves.
Little children walk by and shudder.
The evil man lives there!

Are there different Christian denominations of garden?

Or is a Christian garden a dreary amalgam of clichés?

I'm thinking a Christian garden must have a statue of the Virgin Mary, a cross,  the ten commandments posted in a prominent place, a noose hanging from a tree, as well as a heretic-sized barbecue pit.
Plus poison ivy. Lots of poison ivy.


If I ever have a garden, I will put a high wall around it, so that the Christian children cannot see my happy place. Screw them.



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