At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Thursday, May 31, 2012


A discussion with a friend recently about raccoons in his neighborhood revealed that he is paranoid about those creatures. He swears that they wait underneath cars for him to come stumbling home drunk at night, whereupon (so they intend) they will leap out and steal his wallet, as well as that brown paper bag filled with crispy fish tacos he was planning to eat for breakfast.

So far they haven't succeeded, but it's only a matter of time.
One of these days he'll be drunk again.
Then they'll strike.


As a pre-emptive manoeuvre, he has been buying the loyalty of the feral neighborhood cats by putting out food for them during daylight hours, when there are no raccoons about. The cats have gratefully tucked in, and have become really fond him.
His loyal cat army, feline mercenaries.

Unfortunately raccoons wipe the floor with cats. He had not realized that.  One raccoon can whup any number of pussies single handedly. Single pawedly.  Paws.
There are several raccoons. Only three cats.
The cats don't even organize.
He's totally hosed.
His cat legions are no match for the furry savages.
He feels like a Roman emperor, whose borders are besieged by the barbarians.

Vandals! Goths! Persians!

"They're brutalizing my subjects!"

In his mind, it's all about civilization versus the savage Hunnish hordes.
The hordes are enslaving the cats. His cats! It's personal now!
That, and the fact that he's too scared to buy tacos.

I've told him to lock his doors and hide under the bed.
That's the only advice that I have.
I'm rooting for him.
Sort of.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.



  • At 3:21 PM, Anonymous e-kvetcher said…

    Speaking of snacks. Must share this

    Offtopic, some commenter on DovBear's Niddah post linked to my old post about Niddah and Zoroastrianism from 4 years ago. Weird.

  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Man that's cool!

  • At 11:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Weaponized Sriracha . This has potential. Real pepper spray. Let them try and arrest me for that. (Cue the evil laughter)

  • At 10:22 AM, Anonymous militantly amphibious said…

    It would work on raccoons.

  • At 10:26 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    You mean “work FOR raccoons”.
    And that really depends on strength and leverage, seeing as they don’t have opposable thumbs. The smaller ones would be disappointed.

    Entirely aside from which, they probably prefer those little purse-sized bottles of Tabasco anyway. Goes great with garbage.

  • At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sirirachi might be overpowering on raccoons. Perhaps a nice garlic ginger sauce would be better?

  • At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Biggie Hairball said…

    Truly a unique personal fragrance that would appeal to both sexes.

    Yet animalistic enough that it says "this beast knows how to live".

    All the finest small critters should whiff of garlic and ginger.

  • At 3:20 AM, Blogger Vikas said…

    Summer seems to have made the raccoons retreat. Perhaps I will be better prepared during the next campaign season.

  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Do please keep me informed of the results. Military historians will take note of this.

    Helpfull suggestion: first divide your garden into three parts.


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