At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Catchy title for a post, no? You've always wondered where pipe-smokers came from, and if you're reading this, you are obviously researching the matter.

Pipe-smokers are born, not made.

Teenage pipe-smokers are the offspring of a male and a female pipe-smoker who met over a decade ago in the Sargasso Sea, and mingled his tarry Latakia with her sensuous matured Virginia......

No wait, it was like this. She entered a tobacco repository which he had recently vacated..........


I don't blame you if you don't believe either of those two versions of the pipe-smoker reproductive process.

My mother wasn't a pipe-smoker, ever.
My dad used to smoke pipes but had switched to cigarettes years before I took up the habit.
I became a pipe-smoker almost entirely by accident. There was a very elegant pipe in the ├ętalage of the tabaks-magazijn next to Priem's bookstore which appealed to me.
After several weeks of gazing fondly I bought it.
It wasn't until months later that I finally purchased something to put into it.

Teenage pipe-smokers probably experience a similar progression: object lust - occasional use - growing enjoyment - enduring love.

One woman I knew many years ago started off fondling one of her father's pipes.
Eventually she finished a tin of St. Bruno flake, then bought another tin. And another pipe. Several months later she was on her fifth tin and had a third pipe.
All of this before she was eighteen years old.

Most teenagers who become pipe-smokers do so as a solitary and contemplative peccadillant. Parents almost always disapprove of their children smoking, and many adults assume that a juvenile puffing on a pipe is being 'artistic' or putting on airs.
Not so.

We're simply being sensualists.
I suppose that's even more disturbing?

You know, there's a reason why cigar and pipe ads feature beautiful photos, often of zesty people in the prime of their lives. It's esthetics.

The smoker of fine tobacco appreciates beauty and depravity in equal measure. For many women, alas, it remains an intellectual fantasy. While the teenage boy will brazen it out, the teenage maiden will hesitate about displaying her predilections so provocatively.

A very great pity!

Nothing says "please go away, I'm pre-occupied" (or "shog off, you horrid pervert") as eloquently as a disparaging puff of smoke and the intense enjoyment of a long slow toast while ignoring extraneous stimuli.
More young ladies should smoke pipes.

The world would be a better place if they did.

[PARENTS, PAY ATTENTION! Pipe smoking is conducive to good clean living, and reduces onanism, gout, ADD, pimples, extravagant degeneracy, inattention to academic subjects, and inappropriate association with non-Chinese teenagers of either gender! I have experience in these matters. And I'm a DOCTOR, I can say these things!]

The only negative thing I can think of is that then there would be Hello Kitty Pipes, Hello Kitty Pipe-tampers, Hello Kitty Tobacco Pouches, Hello Kitty Pipe Racks, Hello Kitty Man Purses, Hello Kitty Virginia Flake, Hello Kitty Dark Twist, Hello Kitty London Mixture, Hello Kitty Scotch Blend, Hello Kitty Cavendish, Hello Kitty Balkan Mixture, Hello Kitty Casbah Dreams......

[I'm fairly certain Sanrio would have NO objection to any of this - there's already some plenty weird crap with Hello Kitty blazoned upon it. Motorbikes, Love Motels, Bondage Gear, Cake Pans, Toilet Seats, Cocktail Shakers, Stripper Panties, Telephones, Tool Boxes, Jackboots, Crash Helmets, Weapons...... ]

Pipe smoking isn't a macho habit. It is as feminine as you want it to be. Or not.
But it's entirely up to you.
And you have my complete support.


NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

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  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Conservative Apikoris said…

    I started smoking a pipe as a teenage Boy Scout.

    I kid you not. We had an ex-Marine Scoutmaster who smoked Camels (the cigarettes, he didn't bargecue the actual animals.) The would let the older Scouts, who formed a sort of staff for him, smoke pipes only. I think at the time, the belief was that pipe smoking was less dangerous medically because you didn't inhale. So there we were, on our Scout camping trips sitting on the steps of an adirondack shelter puffing away. I'm still not sure why he tolerated (and even encouraged) us to smoke anything, even pipes. Maybe it was a way to keep us in the Scouts, it was a place where we could break at least one of the rules the adults put on us.

    Anyway, I smoked a pipe through a post-high school year in Israel in the early 70s (and believe be the pipe tobacco available there was dreck, my Mom sent me a tin of decent American stuff.) Then I smoked through college and grad school, but I stopped cold-turkey in my mid 30's when my doc discovered a lesion in my lung. (No it wasn't cancer, but I had to endure a bronchoscopy to find that out.) That was over 25 years ago, I pretty much don't smoke anymore, except that a few years ago, I was in Mexico and ended up in a cigar store with my friends, and I started on Havanas, mostly to spite Jesse Helms and the other right-wing politicians who are totally irrational on the subject of Cuba. So now, when I'm away from home, I might buy a small handmade cigar now and then and enjoy it with a drink. Of course, there are fewer places where one can do that legally anymore.

  • At 11:06 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    I started on Havanas, mostly to spite Jesse Helms and the other right-wing politicians who are totally irrational on the subject of Cuba.

    Not only do I thoroughly approve, but so do all the other fogies at the wall during mid-day. Of course, they're almost all cigar smokers......

    There are fewer places where one can do that legally anymore.

    Per SF ordinance, fifteen feet away from commercial doors and windows.
    Either twenty or thirty feet away from bus stops, Bart station entrances, hospitals, schools, old-folks homes, playgrounds. No smoking in parks (including squares, areas with benches, or city-owned growing things).
    More than ever in the past, you're likely to pass clumps of elderly people in pajamas, with walkers and wheelchairs, cluttering up odd spots of sidewalk at a safe distance away from medical centres and assisted care facilities. They alternate with the nurses and technicians - first one group goes out, then the other.

    I think there's ONE smoking bar in SF. Just one. And now our politicians are trying to shut the loophole that allows smoking in owner-operated drinking establishments and pre-existing tobacco stores also.

    The Presidio, however, is Federal Property and still owned by the Dept. of Defense or the Federal Park System - so you can actually smoke outside the Officers' Club or the Bowling Alley.

  • At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Soon they'll require smokers to ring a large bell and announce,"smoker approaching,smoker approaching", in order to permit people to clear a wide path.

  • At 5:07 AM, Anonymous Conservative apikoris said…

    "-There are fewer places where one can do that legally anymore.

    Per SF ordinance, fifteen feet away from commercial doors and windows. "

    Lest one thinks that such restrictions are restricted to wooly-headed west coast leftists, one should know that I found it almost impossible to find a place to smoke my stogie on a recent trip to (of all places) Raleigh, North Carolina. I mean, North Carolina is the home of the tobacco industry. I think there is one bar in the whole town that allows it, I'm not sure what the loophole is. I'm going on South Carolina on a business trip soon, and even though a statewide smoking ban failed to pass, it seems that all of the towns I'm visiting have such bans. Which means, I will probably be reduced to puffing my stogie while walking along the beach.

  • At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Does Hello Kitty smoe a pipe?

  • At 8:15 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Hello Kitty probably smokes black twist and drinks navy rum. When she isn't shaking her feline booty in a low dive in Portsmouth.

    Or heck, doing all three of those things at once.

    I doubt that cat's sanity, taste, and morals.


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