MARCH OF THE TOFURKIES

Food-wise, the San Francisco financial district is about as close to East Pig-Bollock, Arkansas, as you can get. It just isn’t very exciting.
The reason, of course, is very that a large number of the people who work here ARE actually from East Pig-Bollock, Massachusetts.
Emmes.

By East Pig-Bollock, New Jersey, I really mean the suburbs. The entire rest of the Bay Area.
Which might as well be East Pig-Bollock, Ohio.
Please note that NO natives of East Pig-Bollock, Pennsylvania, have been harmed in the writing of this post.
So far.

What I wanted to eat for lunch today was roast goose over rice.
Is there ANY roast goose over rice in reasonable walking distance?
Less than three blocks from the office?
No.
No, there isn’t.

This is what's nearby: Burgers, Chinese for non-Chinese, Designer salads, Espresso joints, Greasy fast food, Greasy Greek food, Hip pretentious crap, Hot dogs, Indian, Japanese, Juice bar, Macro-biotic, Mexican, Pizza, Salads, Sandwiches, Soup, Thai, Tofu, Turkish, Vegan, Vegetarian, Veggieburgers, Vietnamese, Wheatgrass, Zero-fat yoghurt.

The categories of 'hip pretentious crap', 'espresso joint', and 'salads' are the most well-represented, with over a dozen establishments each.
[Respectively: 25, 16, and 15.]
Followed closely by vegetarian burritos and veggieburgers.
[12.]
Some of which contain tofu.
[8.]
Did I already mention the town of East Pig-Bollock, Texas? If East Pig-Bollock had hip pretentious crap, espresso, and salad, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Well, they might eschew tofu.
But they'd be identical in all other respects.

[NEVER eat tofu cooked BY white people FOR white people. The Chinese had it for over two thousand years, and everything was just dandy; tofu was a nice innocuous addition to the dinner table, often deep-fried. Whitey had it for less than a generation and invented tofurky. Faugh! I'd hate to see what they do to tofu in East Pig-Bollock, Utah.]

Why DO these suburbanites aspire to East Pig-Bollockian standards?
A big bowl of raw green muck and a low-fat soy milk decaff mochachino are NOT lunch.

Well, maybe they are if you're a pasty-faced pimply high-school heifer from East Pig-Bollock, Wisconsin.


Hmmph!


Roast goose. Rice. Some baby bokchoy. Shploop hot sauce.

[Marinate goose in one part soy sauce, seven parts rice wine, with a hefty pinch of five spice powder for several hours. Roast at 450 degrees Fahrenheit for half an hour, turn once. Lower heat to 400 degrees, roast another forty five minutes or so. Remove, brush all over with some diluted hoisin sauce, and stick it back in the oven for ten or fifteen minutes. Hang it over a drip pan and let it rest for an hour. Chop it into chopstickable pieces and serve it over rice, with some of the drippings. How hard is that, even in East Pig-Bollock, Wyoming? Really?]

A wedge of hot apple pie with some vanilla ice-cream on top would be a nice way to end lunch.

Oh, you can't find that in the financial district either?

Pig Bollocks!


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