BRUTAL ASSAULT

Really, I should know better by now. It may be called "Linguiça" by its utterly misguided and criminally insane manufacturer, but that is a complete misnomer.
It's actually something that came out of Satan's body. Possibly the devil's earwax.
Darn thing redefines corporal punishment.
Juicy, flaming red, gut-busting punishment.

They should feed it to children. Properly chasten the little monsters. Bruise them good.
But they probably don't because of the delayed effect.

Whatever it is, it sure isn't Linguiça. That gentle name is entirely misapplied to this evil comestible. Calling it by so innocuous a name is a villainous slander, and Portugal should sue the bastards wot done it for defamation.


One thing you should know about your digestive system is that it strips the protective oils and fats (i.e. "hog grease") off certain foods. The reason why those foods have those things is because the manufacturer is a vicious sadist who enjoys pulling the legs off of kittens, fiercely whips his wheelchair-bound granddad, and slow-boils the pet goldfish.
I can only speculate about how he treats his poor wife and kids.
They probably go to bed crying every night, scared of what the mean sob will do next.
A real Christian.

Once the protective oils and fats ("hog grease") have been stripped off, the fiery chilies within are no longer masked, nor subdued.
They come awake inside your stomach, and dance around on their little spike heels doing the cha cha.

Several hours later those chilies will collectively try to fight their way out of your system. Kind of like the Vietcong in the tunnels of Củ Chi. Same bloody mindedness. They're intent on doing as much damage to the United States as possible. Savage.
Think in terms of a napalm attack.


The fire, the stinging, the pain, the cramped curling up in agony, the girlish screaming in terror.

Which is a horrible way to wake up!

And I should know better by now. Each packet of these alleged Linguiças has two large long sausages composed of crumbly fatty bright red coloured pork.

Half of one sausage is enough to fill a toasty bun.

Yesterday evening I fried up the remaining half.

So I really should've known what to expect.

Especially as I had already used the first sausage, and this was the last part of the second one.

Guess I just didn't want to waste good food.

So it's my own fault.

I know what those daemonic wursts are capable of.

Boy-howdy.

I'm already on my fifth pack.

This brand is totally excellent.


==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================