HELLO KITTY HAAMSAPLO IN RESIDENCE
It’s official – I have NO life.
Really, I can't WAIT till the bubble-tea places in Chinatown start getting internet access, then I'll be able to lurk in brighter places filled with brighter people. Without them sensing my glowing orbs irradiating their bright young bodies and slowly drinking in their essence, draining them of life force.
Yep. Antisocial vital energy vampire. That's me.
Think of me as a masculine version of Hello Kitty.
You are getting weaker, weaker... your mind is going blank...
I think the highlight of the weekend was listening in while two big-breasted transsexuals cheerfully slagged each others' sex lives. Both of them are big bold "wimmins", with expressive mouths on them. Let's just say that they sounded like Samuel Jackson in the movie Jackie Brown - vituperative, eloquent, and unprintable. But far less psychopathic and murderous, albeit equally off-kilter. Feisty.
I don't think either of them would infest a bubble-tea shop. If they did, the clientele would get quite an earful.
Please imagine Cantonese teenagers with their jaws on the floor.
"Did you HEAR what she said?!?"
"I didn't know people could DO that!?!"
"Is that even physically possible?!?"
[pregnant pause... three beats.]
"Wanna try it?!?"
For your information, the Cantonese term for a pervert or degenerate, such as a young man suggesting 'wanna try it', is haamsaplo (鹹濕佬).
Women are never haamsap, teenage boys always are.
I am not a teenage boy, and consequently wouldn't know from that.
Really, I'm a remarkably clean-minded individual.
It's an interesting and expressive locution. The first word ('haam' 鹹) means salty, as in taste or sense, such as salt fish ('haam yu' 鹹魚) might have, as well as frowsty or sweaty, like perspiration or unwashed clothes. The smell of a someone who is excessively moist or greasy is 鹹臭 - haam chau ("salt stink"). Haam also means randy.
Sap (濕) means moist, damp, wet, humid. It isn't a neutral term, however - while a boggy place such as Holland might be described as 'sap' or 'sap ge', the word is often appended negatively: 陰濕 Yam sap (dark and moist; 陰 = 'yin energy') eloquently describes wickedness. Together, haamsap (鹹濕) expresses the greasy oil sweaty characteristic of sex-fiends and depraved individuals. The term 佬 ('lo') is a male person, a fellow, a man.
When a sparkling young demoiselle hurls the epithet 鹹濕佬 at you, you might want to take it as a compliment. She's calling you a randy piece of filth - high praise indeed, as it proves that you are still alive and capable of feeling your oats as well as irritating the spit out of someone. Just don't expect her to look on you with any favour after snapping that at you, though.
The only thing haamsap about me is the stale pizza I occasionally snarf, as well as the broth for my wonton noodle soup.
And some of the condiments I favour.
I am a very clean man.
Did I ever mention Hello Kitty or Bubble Tea?
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly: LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.