As some of you are aware, my long-time apartment mate is a female of Chinese derivation, who is incredibly insecure about her appearance. That was not an issue with her first boyfriend, who thought she was hot as blazes oh jayzus yeah, but since she broke up with him it has become somewhat more of an issue than it really should be.
I, of course, am totally diplomatic about the whole thing.
Being at heart a complete gentleman.
Noblesse oblige.
Far be it from me to point out that she is still as winsome as when we first met. At the candy store. Where I went for something sweet. On my way to the movies. At the Pagoda Palace Theatre on Columbus.
Or that she made me forget what movie I was going to see.
Shan't even ever remind her of it.
Did I ever mention that I can be a complete gentleman?
Capable of letting bygones be bygones.
Some other vibrant white guy with exceptional discernment will have to point out to her how inspiring she is, that isn't my job.
I have successfully moved on. I am now ready to point that out to someone else.
There are in fact any number of nice women out there who need that pointed out. But I am both reserved and incredibly picky, and will not drop such indications without good reason.
Most women look askance at the phrase "hey hot mama".
Which is not the actual phrase I would use.
But it might feel that way.
Underneath my calm and civilized veneer, I am still the same hormonally over-active madman that all teenage boys are, as well as their grown-up older brothers. And cousins. And uncles. Nephews.
I'm just more able to smile blandly.
Being mature and all.
She worries about her future love life.
I know that she is magnetic.
Yes, I need to find someone exactly like her.
But different.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Friday, September 19, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
RESPONSE TO A YETI WITH A NEVER-WASHED KILT
A reader took umbrage at yesterday morning's post, in which I said unkind things about the Scotch, anent their independence vote. To do so, he made use of the letterbox for which a link appears underneath each essay here, writing an epistle for private consumption.
No, I shall not publish it.
I shall merely remark that starting with the salutation "sod off, you wanker" might lead me to believe that your kilt is too filthy and the vermin are causing you distress underneath the coarse scratchy wool. Especially where the weight of the sporran causes friction with your unclean private parts. Flaking skin, and lots of opportunistic parasites.
A thriving colony with mandibles and claws.
Heavens, it must be horrid.
Poor you.
SOD OFF YOU WANKER
Couldn't you at least have included a smiley face? And some well-formulated sentences in riposte, in lieu of the gibberish and spelling errors with which you continued your diatribe? Obviously the Queen's English is not your native language, you inbred Celtic bogman, but you do know about spellcheck, I presume. It exists for a very good reason: you.
It makes spelling the words ye canna' pernonce easy.
Trust me on this.
Look, I know you lot believe you created civilization, but even you will have to admit that you then ruined the effect by also inventing haggis. Which is your sole contribution to the kitchen arts. You probably eat nothing else over there, do you? Even the English have fish and chips and Pakistani food, you must be insanely jealous you putrid blisters, but you're stuck in a frigid wet soggy moorland with nothing but bleeding grouse and ptarmigans to keep you company, along with the whiskey-soaked sheep that run in terror whenever you've got a glint in your eye.
Haggis is not food. It's an offense against nature.
Boiled grease-soaked kilt is better.
Try it sometime.
Anyhow, I am truly sorry I caused offense. It was all meant in good humour -- any mention of bagpipes should've told you that -- but evidently it was a little too subtle. Sorry. Please don't act hurt.
Have an extra dram of whiskey with your haggis.
You will feel a lot better if you do.
There's another letterbox below.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
No, I shall not publish it.
I shall merely remark that starting with the salutation "sod off, you wanker" might lead me to believe that your kilt is too filthy and the vermin are causing you distress underneath the coarse scratchy wool. Especially where the weight of the sporran causes friction with your unclean private parts. Flaking skin, and lots of opportunistic parasites.
A thriving colony with mandibles and claws.
Heavens, it must be horrid.
Poor you.
SOD OFF YOU WANKER
Couldn't you at least have included a smiley face? And some well-formulated sentences in riposte, in lieu of the gibberish and spelling errors with which you continued your diatribe? Obviously the Queen's English is not your native language, you inbred Celtic bogman, but you do know about spellcheck, I presume. It exists for a very good reason: you.
It makes spelling the words ye canna' pernonce easy.
Trust me on this.
Look, I know you lot believe you created civilization, but even you will have to admit that you then ruined the effect by also inventing haggis. Which is your sole contribution to the kitchen arts. You probably eat nothing else over there, do you? Even the English have fish and chips and Pakistani food, you must be insanely jealous you putrid blisters, but you're stuck in a frigid wet soggy moorland with nothing but bleeding grouse and ptarmigans to keep you company, along with the whiskey-soaked sheep that run in terror whenever you've got a glint in your eye.
Haggis is not food. It's an offense against nature.
Boiled grease-soaked kilt is better.
Try it sometime.
Anyhow, I am truly sorry I caused offense. It was all meant in good humour -- any mention of bagpipes should've told you that -- but evidently it was a little too subtle. Sorry. Please don't act hurt.
Have an extra dram of whiskey with your haggis.
You will feel a lot better if you do.
There's another letterbox below.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
WHAT ARE YOU EATING RIGHT NOW?
From ground-level, the immensity of Rotterdam harbour is hard to fathom.
It takes a birds' eye view before you realize that this is human endeavor on a mythic scale, extending out more than twenty miles and encompassing engineering achievements that have altered the landscape beyond recognition.
In short, it's big.
While I still lived in the Netherlands I took a few day-trips by train there, on a whim. I had been reading Kipling, Maugham, and several Dutch East-Indies authors, and felt an urge to see where the ships sailed from.
Rotterdam is actually itself an impressive city. The heart was ripped out during the war by a massive German bombardment, and when peace returned it was rebuilt as the most modern city in Europe.
An achievement of which to be justifiably proud.
I realized once I was there that harbours and industrial vistas, while infinitely charming, must take a backseat to the human dimension.
I vaguely recall having only bread, cheese, and coffee, while there.
After considerable searching and effort.
Good Indonesian food can better be had in Den Haag.
The Hotel Des Indes is just after the bend, where the Lange Voorhout turns into Frederik Street. It is walking distance from the American Embassy on the Korte Voorhout, and altogether not too far from the Central Station.
It's pretty much the most splendid hotel in the country.
Worth visiting, especially once you realize that before it was made into travellers' lodgements, it was a private palace.
Interesting little fact: while German officers partied in the hotel itself, Jews hid in the pigeon coops on the roof.
Another interesting fact: The hotel employed a professional gigolo to dance with women during the twenties.
It's a pilgrimage.
Yes, it's worth eating there, at least once. But the best food in Den Haag is not at luxury hotels or fancy continental restaurants, but at the Indonesian eateries that used to cater to the generations of returnees, exiled into the cold and boggy northern wastelands after a lifetime in the tropics. People who settled in Den Haag because it was one of the few places they still remembered, and where they knew people.
The last of those came in the late fifties, when Soekarno got all huffy about the few Dutch remaining in his newly independent paradise.
There aren't too many of those folks left now.
But the restaurants are still there.
PASAR MALAM BESAR
Every year there's a fair in summer in Den Haag celebrating the culture of Dutch Indonesians ('Indos'). This includes people of all racial derivations, from so white they glow in the dark to descendants of the Ghanaians who served in the colonial constabulary, but mostly of various shades of light olive, because many Indies families had some local genetic stock.
Naturally the main attraction is food. The question "have you eaten yet?" is often the very first thing a visitor hears in an Indies household, and the idea that guests must be made happy with something tasty is ingrained.
One just cannot be hospitable with coffee alone.
Dutch Indonesian food is not the same as Jakarta Indonesian; it is better. Yes, there are some incredibly bizarre Indies-inspired dishes in the Netherlands -- much like the English will vindaloo their Spam and the Heinz baked Beans, damned weirdoes -- but real Indonesian food has access to a greater variety of ingredients, more spices, and an inventiveness not bound by geographical limitations or cultural orthodoxy.
The results are, often, stellar.
Today this event is known as the Tong Tong Fair; the name was changed a few years ago to commemorate Dutch East Indies journalist, author, and activist Jan Boon, who was instrumental in keeping the exiled Indies Dutch aware of and proud of their heritage.
Tong Tong was the name of a magazine that he founded.
The term refers to villagers' wooden alarm gongs.
The fair is close to the Train Station, on the Malieveld.
It is one of the best reasons to visit Den Haag.
Arrive hungry, plan to eat.
May I suggest, as something not too foreign, splitting some bami goreng, saté, gulai kambing, soto ayam, and tall glasses of dawet?
Plus a plate of nasi kuning, of course.
It isn't a meal without nasi.
Salamat makan, ya.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
It takes a birds' eye view before you realize that this is human endeavor on a mythic scale, extending out more than twenty miles and encompassing engineering achievements that have altered the landscape beyond recognition.
In short, it's big.
While I still lived in the Netherlands I took a few day-trips by train there, on a whim. I had been reading Kipling, Maugham, and several Dutch East-Indies authors, and felt an urge to see where the ships sailed from.
Rotterdam is actually itself an impressive city. The heart was ripped out during the war by a massive German bombardment, and when peace returned it was rebuilt as the most modern city in Europe.
An achievement of which to be justifiably proud.
I realized once I was there that harbours and industrial vistas, while infinitely charming, must take a backseat to the human dimension.
I vaguely recall having only bread, cheese, and coffee, while there.
After considerable searching and effort.
Good Indonesian food can better be had in Den Haag.
The Hotel Des Indes is just after the bend, where the Lange Voorhout turns into Frederik Street. It is walking distance from the American Embassy on the Korte Voorhout, and altogether not too far from the Central Station.
It's pretty much the most splendid hotel in the country.
Worth visiting, especially once you realize that before it was made into travellers' lodgements, it was a private palace.
Interesting little fact: while German officers partied in the hotel itself, Jews hid in the pigeon coops on the roof.
Another interesting fact: The hotel employed a professional gigolo to dance with women during the twenties.
It's a pilgrimage.
Yes, it's worth eating there, at least once. But the best food in Den Haag is not at luxury hotels or fancy continental restaurants, but at the Indonesian eateries that used to cater to the generations of returnees, exiled into the cold and boggy northern wastelands after a lifetime in the tropics. People who settled in Den Haag because it was one of the few places they still remembered, and where they knew people.
The last of those came in the late fifties, when Soekarno got all huffy about the few Dutch remaining in his newly independent paradise.
There aren't too many of those folks left now.
But the restaurants are still there.
PASAR MALAM BESAR
Every year there's a fair in summer in Den Haag celebrating the culture of Dutch Indonesians ('Indos'). This includes people of all racial derivations, from so white they glow in the dark to descendants of the Ghanaians who served in the colonial constabulary, but mostly of various shades of light olive, because many Indies families had some local genetic stock.
Naturally the main attraction is food. The question "have you eaten yet?" is often the very first thing a visitor hears in an Indies household, and the idea that guests must be made happy with something tasty is ingrained.
One just cannot be hospitable with coffee alone.
Dutch Indonesian food is not the same as Jakarta Indonesian; it is better. Yes, there are some incredibly bizarre Indies-inspired dishes in the Netherlands -- much like the English will vindaloo their Spam and the Heinz baked Beans, damned weirdoes -- but real Indonesian food has access to a greater variety of ingredients, more spices, and an inventiveness not bound by geographical limitations or cultural orthodoxy.
The results are, often, stellar.
Today this event is known as the Tong Tong Fair; the name was changed a few years ago to commemorate Dutch East Indies journalist, author, and activist Jan Boon, who was instrumental in keeping the exiled Indies Dutch aware of and proud of their heritage.
Tong Tong was the name of a magazine that he founded.
The term refers to villagers' wooden alarm gongs.
The fair is close to the Train Station, on the Malieveld.
It is one of the best reasons to visit Den Haag.
Arrive hungry, plan to eat.
May I suggest, as something not too foreign, splitting some bami goreng, saté, gulai kambing, soto ayam, and tall glasses of dawet?
Plus a plate of nasi kuning, of course.
It isn't a meal without nasi.
Salamat makan, ya.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
KIND NOTE TO SCOTS ON THE EVE OF A MOMENTOUS VOTE: PUSH OFF, YOU SMELLY MONKEYS!
Like everyone, I too have an opinion about the Scots independence vote set for tomorrow. For those readers just tuning in, the Scots nationalists have pushed the envelope, and a nation filled with sheep-rearing hairy men in skirts may soon leave the union.
Unlike the Americans when Mississippi stormed out of the dance, taking the rest of that bunch of bourbon-swilling syphilitics with it, England won't pitch a hissy, but seems resigned to the departure.
Probably even secretly delighted.
As I know I am.
OH LORD, MAKE IT STOP!
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xn9SPeDOv-U .]
Okay then. That was four whole minutes of Scottish musical talent.
Amazingly f*&king nasty, perfectly disgraceful.
Take a moment to heave.
When the hairy sheep-shagging bastards finally leave, we can start burning our bagpipes. No more will we have to put up with that instrument, pretending that we actually like their silly little party tricks with what can only be described as an infernal bellows, a ghastly implement, a horrendous tool of torture, possibly a weapon of mass destruction, that which infects, a sorry excuse for music, and quite the most repellent producer of ruptured eardrums, indigestion, suicidal tendencies, and frayed nerves this side of people speaking Swedish.
Fact: bagpipes were invented by Adolph Hitler.
Good bye, good luck, good riddance.
Call us when the oil runs out.
And take your haggis too.
Bobby Burns sucks.
Big-nosed git.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Unlike the Americans when Mississippi stormed out of the dance, taking the rest of that bunch of bourbon-swilling syphilitics with it, England won't pitch a hissy, but seems resigned to the departure.
Probably even secretly delighted.
As I know I am.
OH LORD, MAKE IT STOP!
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xn9SPeDOv-U .]
Okay then. That was four whole minutes of Scottish musical talent.
Amazingly f*&king nasty, perfectly disgraceful.
Take a moment to heave.
When the hairy sheep-shagging bastards finally leave, we can start burning our bagpipes. No more will we have to put up with that instrument, pretending that we actually like their silly little party tricks with what can only be described as an infernal bellows, a ghastly implement, a horrendous tool of torture, possibly a weapon of mass destruction, that which infects, a sorry excuse for music, and quite the most repellent producer of ruptured eardrums, indigestion, suicidal tendencies, and frayed nerves this side of people speaking Swedish.
Fact: bagpipes were invented by Adolph Hitler.
Good bye, good luck, good riddance.
Call us when the oil runs out.
And take your haggis too.
Bobby Burns sucks.
Big-nosed git.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
IN PRAISE OF NEANDERTHALS, BEER, AND PIZZA
A very good friend asked why I did not show up at the usual place on Saturday night upon my return from Marin County. Was I, she asked, trading nights? She and her husband had noted my absence.
No, I wasn't. I was avoiding sports-crazed yobbos.
And the screaming madness that entails.
Conversation is impossible.
During games.
I like going to the usual Saturday evening place. Not being in a relationship at present makes it an easy choice.
No, it isn't because of women.
There are in fact only three women who show up regularly there, as it is a cigar-smoking establishment, and women are nearly as shy about huffing stogies as they are about pipe-smoking and the clap.
Two of the women are attached, and the third is a mad partying type. And, truth be told, I am not really set on women who like cigars.
If a woman smokes, it should be fine tobacco in a well-chosen briar. That's much more ladylike, and shows common sense and good taste.
I like going there because of the conversation.
Which, usually, is calm and intelligent.
Except on game nights.
This blogger does not like sports, loud music, screaming, crowds, or drunkenness.
I'm rather a prude. A good place to spend some time in the evening, assuming that one does not have a relationship going on -- which I don't, not even a glimmer -- and dinner with a delightful creature of the suitable gender (female) is not part of the programme, is an environment where smoking (cigars and pipes) is allowed (encouraged), a spot of liquor (cheap Scotch) may be had, the lights are bright, and the clientele more than average interesting and thoughtful.
Sports fans, as everyone knows, are dull and stupid.
They smell bad and eat too much.
Besides swearing.
A lot.
I think the Giants or Forty-niners were playing.
That's a sure recipe for disaster.
Tea, anyone?
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
No, I wasn't. I was avoiding sports-crazed yobbos.
And the screaming madness that entails.
Conversation is impossible.
During games.
I like going to the usual Saturday evening place. Not being in a relationship at present makes it an easy choice.
No, it isn't because of women.
There are in fact only three women who show up regularly there, as it is a cigar-smoking establishment, and women are nearly as shy about huffing stogies as they are about pipe-smoking and the clap.
Two of the women are attached, and the third is a mad partying type. And, truth be told, I am not really set on women who like cigars.
If a woman smokes, it should be fine tobacco in a well-chosen briar. That's much more ladylike, and shows common sense and good taste.
I like going there because of the conversation.
Which, usually, is calm and intelligent.
Except on game nights.
This blogger does not like sports, loud music, screaming, crowds, or drunkenness.
I'm rather a prude. A good place to spend some time in the evening, assuming that one does not have a relationship going on -- which I don't, not even a glimmer -- and dinner with a delightful creature of the suitable gender (female) is not part of the programme, is an environment where smoking (cigars and pipes) is allowed (encouraged), a spot of liquor (cheap Scotch) may be had, the lights are bright, and the clientele more than average interesting and thoughtful.
Sports fans, as everyone knows, are dull and stupid.
They smell bad and eat too much.
Besides swearing.
A lot.
I think the Giants or Forty-niners were playing.
That's a sure recipe for disaster.
Tea, anyone?
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Monday, September 15, 2014
A LONGISH DISQUISITION WITH A HINT OF INSANITY
One of the first steps is fixing a nice cup of tea. Then dump the stems into bleach. Ream and scrape the bowls, add alcohol to soften the hard muck, fiddle and repeat. More tea. Rims. Pick and twiddle. There's tar encrusted in the sandblasted grain around the top. Use dabbed alcohol and jeweler's screwdrivers to pick it out, much like a dental hygienist, albeit with considerably less foul language. Fix some more tea. Files, prongs, and a twiddly thing to get the tar and noxious build-up out of the shank. Again, the image of a dental hygienist, but this time one with lots of liquor and a sadistic streak. Jab, jab, jab. Swill with hot tea, because the mouth now feels dry; the effect of prolonged concentration.
At least and at last the insides are clean.
By the time I got through, the stems had sat in bleach for two hours, and all the oxidation had lifted off.
TIDE SCRAO\PE OUT A FRADTHOLEAN
That sentence is in my notes. I have no idea what it means, and I must assume that it was an unintentional lapsus calami. Either that, or it's a negative judgement of the previous owner of the briar pipes I was working on. Some smokers leave their favourite pieces as filthy as a Roman sewer, and I suspect that they may not actually be able to tell the difference.
Back in the stone age of pipe smoking (a generation ago), the common wisdom was that you gave your pipe a completely personal character by smoking it regularly and often, developing a carbon layer that reflected your taste, and letting it age "gracefully", acquiring patina, colour, depth, and the occasional ding and nick as a record of your life and your unique habitus.
The corollary to that set of beliefs was that many people used only a few pipes, seldom cleaned the beasts, oversmoked them till they reeked and felt clammy and wet, and ended up with pieces of wood to which the term 'fugued-up to a fare-thee-well' applied.
There's one customer who drops off three or four pipes every six months to be reamed, cleaned, and restored. He only has eight pipes in all, and every time I see them I can smell them from ten feet away before even opening the drawer. The phrase "skanky pervert" comes to mind.
I know when he's been in; it's that evil miasma.
The howling gothic pit of tortured wood.
Nightmares, trauma, and agony.
Embedded suffering.
Despair.
Can a piece of briar feel angst? I would like to think so. When you die, you will meet the shades of all the pipes you have ever ruined. They will drench you with the nicotiniac ooze and tarry slime that you never freed them from, every noxious aromatic gag-inducing dung mixture you ever rammed into them will be forced down your throat for all eternity.
THREE BUNDLES OF BRISTLY CLEANERS AND A PINT OF VODKA
There are six pipes that I'm working on now, even though it's a day off and I'm at home. They're in the oven at one hundred and eighty degrees, baking for several hours. This tightens up the wood, which is necessary after all that I've done to them. These are pieces that everyone else thought unredeemable, but like many such, they've become a personal Mount Everest. Yes, the nomenclature will be barely visible at best, but in their cases it was not an illustrious family tree anyhow.
The point is that they will smoke very well once I'm done.
The stems are in a little saucer to my left.
Goldang they look nasty.
Honestly, I cannot believe that someone put those things in his mouth. Necrotic and repellent, they bear the encrustations of several decades of idiot drool and slobber, and that particular shade of puss-green in all its impossible variation suggests kanker, fester, devolution, and moral filth.
These will require two hours in bleach.
Rinse, scrape out the air passages.
Then buff like a maniac.
THE KEY TO PIPE HAPPINESS: CLEAN LIVING
Always let your pipes rest after smoking them. Do not abuse them with tobacco that reeks of Hello Kitty perfume or Vegas hookers, use pipe cleaners often, and don't drop or bang. Own enough pipes that you see different ones each day. If you do buy a prize piece for several hundred dollars, for craps' sake don't wreck it.
The way some men abuse their pipes makes you wonder how they treat their family. The traumatized wife probably dreams fondly of shooting him while he's whimpering on the kitchen floor after she whacked him with the toaster -- repeatedly, on the back of his head -- and his teenage daughters are going to run off with the very first preacher that winks at them from the pulpit. If he trips in the yard, the chained doberman will feast upon him while he still breathes.
The son-of-a-bitch probably raises goldfish for frat-boy contests.
Unheard-of diseases thrive in his loins.
Depravity and turpitude.
I bet cats hate him
The putrid sod.
On a brighter note, I smoked several bowls of Rattray's Hal O'The Wynd yesterday, in between the many cups of tea. Bought the tin over three years ago, finally opened it on Saturday. Nice.
I had so much caffeine that I was spinning.
Didn't eat until after four o'clock.
Far too much fun.
Fruits. Peaches, plums, and even nectarines.
There's a high natural sugar content.
Red Virginias, touch of other.
Fragrant. Heavenly.
Ionones, damascones and damascenones.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
At least and at last the insides are clean.
By the time I got through, the stems had sat in bleach for two hours, and all the oxidation had lifted off.
TIDE SCRAO\PE OUT A FRADTHOLEAN
That sentence is in my notes. I have no idea what it means, and I must assume that it was an unintentional lapsus calami. Either that, or it's a negative judgement of the previous owner of the briar pipes I was working on. Some smokers leave their favourite pieces as filthy as a Roman sewer, and I suspect that they may not actually be able to tell the difference.
Back in the stone age of pipe smoking (a generation ago), the common wisdom was that you gave your pipe a completely personal character by smoking it regularly and often, developing a carbon layer that reflected your taste, and letting it age "gracefully", acquiring patina, colour, depth, and the occasional ding and nick as a record of your life and your unique habitus.
The corollary to that set of beliefs was that many people used only a few pipes, seldom cleaned the beasts, oversmoked them till they reeked and felt clammy and wet, and ended up with pieces of wood to which the term 'fugued-up to a fare-thee-well' applied.
There's one customer who drops off three or four pipes every six months to be reamed, cleaned, and restored. He only has eight pipes in all, and every time I see them I can smell them from ten feet away before even opening the drawer. The phrase "skanky pervert" comes to mind.
I know when he's been in; it's that evil miasma.
The howling gothic pit of tortured wood.
Nightmares, trauma, and agony.
Embedded suffering.
Despair.
Can a piece of briar feel angst? I would like to think so. When you die, you will meet the shades of all the pipes you have ever ruined. They will drench you with the nicotiniac ooze and tarry slime that you never freed them from, every noxious aromatic gag-inducing dung mixture you ever rammed into them will be forced down your throat for all eternity.
THREE BUNDLES OF BRISTLY CLEANERS AND A PINT OF VODKA
There are six pipes that I'm working on now, even though it's a day off and I'm at home. They're in the oven at one hundred and eighty degrees, baking for several hours. This tightens up the wood, which is necessary after all that I've done to them. These are pieces that everyone else thought unredeemable, but like many such, they've become a personal Mount Everest. Yes, the nomenclature will be barely visible at best, but in their cases it was not an illustrious family tree anyhow.
The point is that they will smoke very well once I'm done.
The stems are in a little saucer to my left.
Goldang they look nasty.
Honestly, I cannot believe that someone put those things in his mouth. Necrotic and repellent, they bear the encrustations of several decades of idiot drool and slobber, and that particular shade of puss-green in all its impossible variation suggests kanker, fester, devolution, and moral filth.
These will require two hours in bleach.
Rinse, scrape out the air passages.
Then buff like a maniac.
THE KEY TO PIPE HAPPINESS: CLEAN LIVING
Always let your pipes rest after smoking them. Do not abuse them with tobacco that reeks of Hello Kitty perfume or Vegas hookers, use pipe cleaners often, and don't drop or bang. Own enough pipes that you see different ones each day. If you do buy a prize piece for several hundred dollars, for craps' sake don't wreck it.
The way some men abuse their pipes makes you wonder how they treat their family. The traumatized wife probably dreams fondly of shooting him while he's whimpering on the kitchen floor after she whacked him with the toaster -- repeatedly, on the back of his head -- and his teenage daughters are going to run off with the very first preacher that winks at them from the pulpit. If he trips in the yard, the chained doberman will feast upon him while he still breathes.
The son-of-a-bitch probably raises goldfish for frat-boy contests.
Unheard-of diseases thrive in his loins.
Depravity and turpitude.
I bet cats hate him
The putrid sod.
On a brighter note, I smoked several bowls of Rattray's Hal O'The Wynd yesterday, in between the many cups of tea. Bought the tin over three years ago, finally opened it on Saturday. Nice.
I had so much caffeine that I was spinning.
Didn't eat until after four o'clock.
Far too much fun.
Fruits. Peaches, plums, and even nectarines.
There's a high natural sugar content.
Red Virginias, touch of other.
Fragrant. Heavenly.
Ionones, damascones and damascenones.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Sunday, September 14, 2014
WHERE TO EAT IN CHINATOWN: FOUR RECOMMENDATIONS
Yesterday evening on the bus back from Marin several passengers asked the busdriver how they could get to Chinatown. Golden Gate Transit is a fount of information, but that isn't part of it. They'll get you to the city, but what you do then is something they will not think about.
So I verbally stepped in.
'Get off at Sacramento and Van Ness. Walk to the corner of Clay and Van Ness, take the Number One California across the hill. Get off at Stockton. And lo, you are there!'
Me: "So, what do you plan to do in Chinatown?"
Them: "Eat dinner, but we do not know where."
Me: "If I may, I have a number of suggestions...."
I had heard them speaking Mandarin all the way over, as they were sitting right behind me. My Mandarin is rather ramshackle, but I can write fairly decently.
三陽咖啡餐屋
SAN SUN RESTAURANT
['saam-yeung ka-fei chan-ok' *]
848 Washington Street
San Francisco, CA 94108.
Telephone: 415-296-8228
Between Stockton and Grant, corner of Ross Alley
越華僑風味的粉湯與小食
Noodle-soup and small eats to the Sino-Viet taste
Yuè huáqiáo fēngwèi de fěn tāng yǔ xiǎoshí
['yuet-waa-kiu fung-mei dik fan-tong yue siu-sik']
You go here for noodles and unpretentious Viet-Chinese food, well done, tasty and interesting. Plus either Vietnamese coffee or milk-tea.
I often have the bittermelon and pork or chicken over rice, or the grilled pork strips and rice-stick noodles in soup, but there is a lot to choose from, and you really have to try to be dissatisfied.
Unless you are from the Midwest.
In which case it's easy.
* "three suns coffee dining room"
京都餐館
CAPITAL RESTAURANT
['king to tsan-kwun' *]
839 Clay Street
San Francisco, CA 94108.
Telephone: 415-397-6269
Between Waverly Place and Hang Ah Alley
家庭式粵菜
Family-style Cantonese food
Jiātíng shì yuècài
['gaa-ting sik yuet-choi']
Salt and pepper chicken wings, whole steamed fish, crustaceans and shellfish, home style dishes, nicely stir-fried vegetables and the regular real Chinese restaurant standards, as well as rice-plates. Fish flavour eggplant (魚香茄子), fish and fresh vegetable (菜遠蘢利魚飯), or black bean bitter melon and fish (豆豉凉瓜魚片). Lo fo tong if you have a rice plate. Very popular with the Chinatown crowd, but Europeans are often baffled.
That's a common thing, by the way.
European bafflement.
* "metropolis dining establishment"
上海飯店
BUND SHANGHAI RESTAURANT
['seung-hoi fan-diem' *]
640 Jackson Street
San Francisco, CA 94133.
Telephone: 415-982-0618
Between Grant and Kearny
滬淮美食
Shanghainese and Huai beautiful eating
Hù huái měishí
['wu waai mei-sik']
Wu-Huai cuisine, very good. I highly recommend it for couples on a date, small family groups, and five or six friends who simply want some darn fine food at a darn fine place. The waitstaff is courteous and professional, the kitchen standards are extraordinarily high.
For Shanghainese exiles it's a breeze from home, but for this blogger it's where I get steamed dumplings (蒸的水餃子) when I absolutely must have steamed dumplings.
* "on sea rice shop"
嶺南小館
R & J LOUNGE
['ling naam siu gwun' *]
631 Kearny Street
San Francisco, CA 94108
415-982-7877
On the corner of Commercial, between Sacramento and Clay
最好的高品粵菜
Best high-grade Cantonese Cuisine
Zuì hǎo de gāo pǐn yuècài
['jeui-hou dik kou-pan yuet-choi']
Top-notch Cantonese food in a nice restaurant setting, probably the best you can find in Chinatown, maybe even the entire city. A very popular place, where you can also have an expertly crafted cocktail. Like all fine Cantonese dining establishments, they assume that you really want to order seafood, and get out of your shell culinarily. Unless you're from the Midwest or Europe, in which case you'll probably order the dishes you always get at your local take-out, and you'll be disappointed.
The Chinese regionymic handle of this establishment proudly advertises Cantonese. Which absolutely means fish and crustaceans.
* "high-passes south little establishment"
I sincerely hope that wherever they ended up, they ate very well. Judging by Yelp -- which exists primarily so that people who are always angry can slag businesses which made them more so -- there is nothing worth eating in Chinatown, and "my aunt from Hong Kong hated it".
Or maybe the aunt was from the Midwest.
I myself stayed in last night. I knew there was an evening ball game on, and consequently the place where I would normally go for a drink and conversation while smoking a pipe or two would be filled with screaming sportsfiends, and any discussion would be impossible.
Likely quite futile to attempt.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
So I verbally stepped in.
'Get off at Sacramento and Van Ness. Walk to the corner of Clay and Van Ness, take the Number One California across the hill. Get off at Stockton. And lo, you are there!'
Me: "So, what do you plan to do in Chinatown?"
Them: "Eat dinner, but we do not know where."
Me: "If I may, I have a number of suggestions...."
I had heard them speaking Mandarin all the way over, as they were sitting right behind me. My Mandarin is rather ramshackle, but I can write fairly decently.
三陽咖啡餐屋
SAN SUN RESTAURANT
['saam-yeung ka-fei chan-ok' *]
848 Washington Street
San Francisco, CA 94108.
Telephone: 415-296-8228
Between Stockton and Grant, corner of Ross Alley
越華僑風味的粉湯與小食
Noodle-soup and small eats to the Sino-Viet taste
Yuè huáqiáo fēngwèi de fěn tāng yǔ xiǎoshí
['yuet-waa-kiu fung-mei dik fan-tong yue siu-sik']
You go here for noodles and unpretentious Viet-Chinese food, well done, tasty and interesting. Plus either Vietnamese coffee or milk-tea.
I often have the bittermelon and pork or chicken over rice, or the grilled pork strips and rice-stick noodles in soup, but there is a lot to choose from, and you really have to try to be dissatisfied.
Unless you are from the Midwest.
In which case it's easy.
* "three suns coffee dining room"
京都餐館
CAPITAL RESTAURANT
['king to tsan-kwun' *]
839 Clay Street
San Francisco, CA 94108.
Telephone: 415-397-6269
Between Waverly Place and Hang Ah Alley
家庭式粵菜
Family-style Cantonese food
Jiātíng shì yuècài
['gaa-ting sik yuet-choi']
Salt and pepper chicken wings, whole steamed fish, crustaceans and shellfish, home style dishes, nicely stir-fried vegetables and the regular real Chinese restaurant standards, as well as rice-plates. Fish flavour eggplant (魚香茄子), fish and fresh vegetable (菜遠蘢利魚飯), or black bean bitter melon and fish (豆豉凉瓜魚片). Lo fo tong if you have a rice plate. Very popular with the Chinatown crowd, but Europeans are often baffled.
That's a common thing, by the way.
European bafflement.
* "metropolis dining establishment"
上海飯店
BUND SHANGHAI RESTAURANT
['seung-hoi fan-diem' *]
640 Jackson Street
San Francisco, CA 94133.
Telephone: 415-982-0618
Between Grant and Kearny
滬淮美食
Shanghainese and Huai beautiful eating
Hù huái měishí
['wu waai mei-sik']
Wu-Huai cuisine, very good. I highly recommend it for couples on a date, small family groups, and five or six friends who simply want some darn fine food at a darn fine place. The waitstaff is courteous and professional, the kitchen standards are extraordinarily high.
For Shanghainese exiles it's a breeze from home, but for this blogger it's where I get steamed dumplings (蒸的水餃子) when I absolutely must have steamed dumplings.
* "on sea rice shop"
嶺南小館
R & J LOUNGE
['ling naam siu gwun' *]
631 Kearny Street
San Francisco, CA 94108
415-982-7877
On the corner of Commercial, between Sacramento and Clay
最好的高品粵菜
Best high-grade Cantonese Cuisine
Zuì hǎo de gāo pǐn yuècài
['jeui-hou dik kou-pan yuet-choi']
Top-notch Cantonese food in a nice restaurant setting, probably the best you can find in Chinatown, maybe even the entire city. A very popular place, where you can also have an expertly crafted cocktail. Like all fine Cantonese dining establishments, they assume that you really want to order seafood, and get out of your shell culinarily. Unless you're from the Midwest or Europe, in which case you'll probably order the dishes you always get at your local take-out, and you'll be disappointed.
The Chinese regionymic handle of this establishment proudly advertises Cantonese. Which absolutely means fish and crustaceans.
* "high-passes south little establishment"
I sincerely hope that wherever they ended up, they ate very well. Judging by Yelp -- which exists primarily so that people who are always angry can slag businesses which made them more so -- there is nothing worth eating in Chinatown, and "my aunt from Hong Kong hated it".
Or maybe the aunt was from the Midwest.
I myself stayed in last night. I knew there was an evening ball game on, and consequently the place where I would normally go for a drink and conversation while smoking a pipe or two would be filled with screaming sportsfiends, and any discussion would be impossible.
Likely quite futile to attempt.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Saturday, September 13, 2014
SIMPLE CHINESE, FOLLOWED BY A LOBSTER
The past half year has been in some ways a feast of solitude. Good food, cooked as I like it, without worrying about other people's tastes and dietary peculiarities, in between nibbling snacks in Chinatown.
Given that I am a middle-aged single man, this is easy to manage.
I buy many of my ingredients in Chinatown, primarily because such things as sparklingly fresh seafood and streaky pork (五花腩 'ng faa naam') are not commonly available elsewhere, and non-Asian supermarkets and groceries never stock bitter melon, long beans, mustard stalks, or lactuca indica (A菜 'ngaa-choi').
The other reason I get my food in C'town is because I tend to cook sort of Chinese a lot of the time. Also Dutch or Dutch-Indonesian, slapdash Indo-Chinese, and due to prolonged exposure, Indian.
But in the last half-year, mostly Chinese.
[The recipes linked below will eventually end-up cross-posted on my food-blog (Cooking with a Lizard, but I haven't gotten around to that yet. It's been updated to the first of this year, but not further.]
You might enjoy revisiting these food essays.
Or telling me how wrong my recipes are.
Feedback is always appreciated.
And if you have dishes that you want to tell me about, please do.
On reading what's below, you'll know what I go for.
Feel free to surprise me; I like surprises.
焢肉
HONG BAK VERSUS... HONG BAK; A FUKIENESE QUANDARY
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/09/hong-bak-versus-hong-bak-fukienese.html
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 02, 2014
A traditional dish among the Fujianese (福建人) in South-East Asia. Fat-layered pork sealed on one side, slow-braised to perfection with soy sauce, sugar, and a splash of sherry or rice wine. As the fragrance rises, you remember favourite aunties and the meals that they prepared.
炒臘腸涼瓜
BITTER MELON TO LOVE
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/08/bitter-melon-to-love.html
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27, 2014
Probably the easiest way to prepare bitter melon. I myself am inordinately fond of bitter melon, but there are a few people who can't seem to bend their buds around the taste. Very sad for them.
滬式上湯獅子頭
LION HEADS IN SOUP
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/08/lion-heads-in-soup.html
THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, 2014
Large meaty balls in broth. Very Shanghai, very Hong Kong. At its simplest it is profoundly old-school and tastes of home, but if you doll it up it is also festive. Very satisfying.
蝦醬蒸五花肉
SHREDDED GINGER, SHRIMP PASTE, AND PORK
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/07/shredded-ginger-shrimp-paste-and-pork.html
WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2014
Streaky pork simply steamed. The pig is a marvelous animal. No wonder every one's fondest memories taste like pork. And ginger. And shrimp paste.
茶葉蛋
CHINESE TEA EGGS
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/07/chinese-tea-eggs-cha-ye-dan.html
TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2014
Boiled eggs. What could be easier? And why are you actually buying those, when you could make them at home? Soy sauce, dried orange peel, star anise......
海味或乾海產 -- XO醬
XO SAUCE -- WHAT AND WHEREFORE
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/07/xo-sauce-what-and-wherefore.html
SATURDAY, JULY 12, 2014
Not so much a condiment as a cooking ingredient. And not at all precious and rare, despite the hoopla. Make a batch at home, rather than buying an expensive and tiny jar.
魚香茄子
FISH FRAGRANCE EGGPLANT
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/06/fish-fragrance-eggplant-imagine-what_20.html
FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2014
Home-cooking, Szechuanese style, as Hong Kong people imagine it, and Chinatown restaurateurs provide in many convenient locations.
But why eat out, when you could eat in?
蠔仔煎蛋
HOKKIEN OYSTER OMELETTE
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/06/hokkien-oyster-omelette.html
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 04, 2014
A favourite snack of Fujianese people, especially in Singapore and Penang. But also popular as late-night munchies in Taiwan.
Almost a cliche, but a good one.
避風塘炒蟹
HELL FOR CRUSTACEANS
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/06/hell-for-crustaceans.html
SUNDAY, JUNE 01, 2014
Typhoon Shelter Crab: a very Hong Kong specialty, and one of the must tries of your visit. If you go to Hong Kong. Otherwise, make it at home. First time, for yourself; you're experimenting. Second time, for your wife or girl-friend; that's why you experimented first.
HACHEE
DUTCH HASH
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/05/dutch-hash.html
THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2014
That doesn't look Chinese, does it? It isn't. What it is, is a very nice simple Netherlandish stew. Profoundly a taste of somewhere else, even exotic, here in the New World.
Well now. To finish with something very Cantonese, about as totally Cantonese as it can possibly get, here's lobster:
薑蔥龍蝦
GINGER SCALLION LOBSTER
['geung chung lung-haa']
One lobster, about two pounds.
Quarter cup chicken stock.
Quarter cup cornstarch.
Quarter cup sherry.
One TBS oyster sauce.
Half a Tsp. freshly ground pepper.
Half a Tsp. salt.
One thumb of ginger, peeled and slivered.
Half dozen scallions, cut diagonally.
A few drops sesame oil.
Oil as needed.
Mix sherry, soy sauce, and one tablespoon corn starch in a bowl and whisk smooth. Add chicken stock and set aside.
Dump lobster headfirst into a cauldron of boiling water, and cook for about three of four minutes more after it returns to a boil.
Remove, rinse under cold water. Drain.
The head may be removed and cleaned to decorate the serving platter, OR chopped in half and whacked, cleaned of some of the weird stuff inside as you see fit, and treated the same as the remainder of the beast.
Some people like sucking on the head.
Twist off tail and claws. Using a heavy cleaver split tails in half along the length, then across into large chunks. Whack each part of the claws to expose the meat.
In a large bowl, dust the lobster pieces well with the cornstarch and the salt and pepper, tossing to coat.
Heat one or two cups of oil in a large wok till almost smoking. Slide in the lobster pieces and fry till pale golden and barely crisp. Remove and drain in a sieve over a metal bowl.
Decant almost all the oil, and heat what remains till almost smoking. Add ginger, scallions, and stirfry fragrant. Return lobster to pan and stir to mix. Re-whisk the sherry and cornstarch mixture, and pour into the pan. Once the glaze thickens, add a few drops of sesame oil and slide everything onto a platter.
Remember: rice and Sriracha hot sauce with everything, plus Oolong tea or Pu-Erh for clarity and harmonious digestion, followed by a pipe full of matured Virginia tobacco, or a cigar.
If you really want to go total Chinatown, have a bowl of "old fire soup" (老火湯 'lo fo tong') alongside the meal. Blanch some meaty bones plus chicken and lean pork (瘦肉 'sau yiuk'), rinse, and dump in a pot to simmer with a slice of ginger and a carrot. Tonifying herbs if you wish, and know how to use them. Use plenty of water, the broth should be light in flavour and clear. Simmer for several hours on a low flame, adding liquid as needed. A few minutes before you need to serve it, add watercress or pre-soaked wood ears, plus maybe a little cilantro. It is not a hefty dish, but merely a pleasing liquid accompaniment. Done well, it is a fundament, as much as the rice and the tea.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Given that I am a middle-aged single man, this is easy to manage.
I buy many of my ingredients in Chinatown, primarily because such things as sparklingly fresh seafood and streaky pork (五花腩 'ng faa naam') are not commonly available elsewhere, and non-Asian supermarkets and groceries never stock bitter melon, long beans, mustard stalks, or lactuca indica (A菜 'ngaa-choi').
The other reason I get my food in C'town is because I tend to cook sort of Chinese a lot of the time. Also Dutch or Dutch-Indonesian, slapdash Indo-Chinese, and due to prolonged exposure, Indian.
But in the last half-year, mostly Chinese.
[The recipes linked below will eventually end-up cross-posted on my food-blog (Cooking with a Lizard, but I haven't gotten around to that yet. It's been updated to the first of this year, but not further.]
You might enjoy revisiting these food essays.
Or telling me how wrong my recipes are.
Feedback is always appreciated.
And if you have dishes that you want to tell me about, please do.
On reading what's below, you'll know what I go for.
Feel free to surprise me; I like surprises.
焢肉
HONG BAK VERSUS... HONG BAK; A FUKIENESE QUANDARY
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/09/hong-bak-versus-hong-bak-fukienese.html
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 02, 2014
A traditional dish among the Fujianese (福建人) in South-East Asia. Fat-layered pork sealed on one side, slow-braised to perfection with soy sauce, sugar, and a splash of sherry or rice wine. As the fragrance rises, you remember favourite aunties and the meals that they prepared.
炒臘腸涼瓜
BITTER MELON TO LOVE
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/08/bitter-melon-to-love.html
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27, 2014
Probably the easiest way to prepare bitter melon. I myself am inordinately fond of bitter melon, but there are a few people who can't seem to bend their buds around the taste. Very sad for them.
滬式上湯獅子頭
LION HEADS IN SOUP
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/08/lion-heads-in-soup.html
THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, 2014
Large meaty balls in broth. Very Shanghai, very Hong Kong. At its simplest it is profoundly old-school and tastes of home, but if you doll it up it is also festive. Very satisfying.
蝦醬蒸五花肉
SHREDDED GINGER, SHRIMP PASTE, AND PORK
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/07/shredded-ginger-shrimp-paste-and-pork.html
WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2014
Streaky pork simply steamed. The pig is a marvelous animal. No wonder every one's fondest memories taste like pork. And ginger. And shrimp paste.
茶葉蛋
CHINESE TEA EGGS
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/07/chinese-tea-eggs-cha-ye-dan.html
TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2014
Boiled eggs. What could be easier? And why are you actually buying those, when you could make them at home? Soy sauce, dried orange peel, star anise......
海味或乾海產 -- XO醬
XO SAUCE -- WHAT AND WHEREFORE
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/07/xo-sauce-what-and-wherefore.html
SATURDAY, JULY 12, 2014
Not so much a condiment as a cooking ingredient. And not at all precious and rare, despite the hoopla. Make a batch at home, rather than buying an expensive and tiny jar.
魚香茄子
FISH FRAGRANCE EGGPLANT
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/06/fish-fragrance-eggplant-imagine-what_20.html
FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2014
Home-cooking, Szechuanese style, as Hong Kong people imagine it, and Chinatown restaurateurs provide in many convenient locations.
But why eat out, when you could eat in?
蠔仔煎蛋
HOKKIEN OYSTER OMELETTE
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/06/hokkien-oyster-omelette.html
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 04, 2014
A favourite snack of Fujianese people, especially in Singapore and Penang. But also popular as late-night munchies in Taiwan.
Almost a cliche, but a good one.
避風塘炒蟹
HELL FOR CRUSTACEANS
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/06/hell-for-crustaceans.html
SUNDAY, JUNE 01, 2014
Typhoon Shelter Crab: a very Hong Kong specialty, and one of the must tries of your visit. If you go to Hong Kong. Otherwise, make it at home. First time, for yourself; you're experimenting. Second time, for your wife or girl-friend; that's why you experimented first.
HACHEE
DUTCH HASH
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2014/05/dutch-hash.html
THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2014
That doesn't look Chinese, does it? It isn't. What it is, is a very nice simple Netherlandish stew. Profoundly a taste of somewhere else, even exotic, here in the New World.
Well now. To finish with something very Cantonese, about as totally Cantonese as it can possibly get, here's lobster:
薑蔥龍蝦
GINGER SCALLION LOBSTER
['geung chung lung-haa']
One lobster, about two pounds.
Quarter cup chicken stock.
Quarter cup cornstarch.
Quarter cup sherry.
One TBS oyster sauce.
Half a Tsp. freshly ground pepper.
Half a Tsp. salt.
One thumb of ginger, peeled and slivered.
Half dozen scallions, cut diagonally.
A few drops sesame oil.
Oil as needed.
Mix sherry, soy sauce, and one tablespoon corn starch in a bowl and whisk smooth. Add chicken stock and set aside.
Dump lobster headfirst into a cauldron of boiling water, and cook for about three of four minutes more after it returns to a boil.
Remove, rinse under cold water. Drain.
The head may be removed and cleaned to decorate the serving platter, OR chopped in half and whacked, cleaned of some of the weird stuff inside as you see fit, and treated the same as the remainder of the beast.
Some people like sucking on the head.
Twist off tail and claws. Using a heavy cleaver split tails in half along the length, then across into large chunks. Whack each part of the claws to expose the meat.
In a large bowl, dust the lobster pieces well with the cornstarch and the salt and pepper, tossing to coat.
Heat one or two cups of oil in a large wok till almost smoking. Slide in the lobster pieces and fry till pale golden and barely crisp. Remove and drain in a sieve over a metal bowl.
Decant almost all the oil, and heat what remains till almost smoking. Add ginger, scallions, and stirfry fragrant. Return lobster to pan and stir to mix. Re-whisk the sherry and cornstarch mixture, and pour into the pan. Once the glaze thickens, add a few drops of sesame oil and slide everything onto a platter.
Remember: rice and Sriracha hot sauce with everything, plus Oolong tea or Pu-Erh for clarity and harmonious digestion, followed by a pipe full of matured Virginia tobacco, or a cigar.
If you really want to go total Chinatown, have a bowl of "old fire soup" (老火湯 'lo fo tong') alongside the meal. Blanch some meaty bones plus chicken and lean pork (瘦肉 'sau yiuk'), rinse, and dump in a pot to simmer with a slice of ginger and a carrot. Tonifying herbs if you wish, and know how to use them. Use plenty of water, the broth should be light in flavour and clear. Simmer for several hours on a low flame, adding liquid as needed. A few minutes before you need to serve it, add watercress or pre-soaked wood ears, plus maybe a little cilantro. It is not a hefty dish, but merely a pleasing liquid accompaniment. Done well, it is a fundament, as much as the rice and the tea.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Friday, September 12, 2014
SIX WHOLE MINUTES OF CHINESE PASSENGERS FIGHTING ON THE BUS
A young fellow in Wuhan refused to give up his seat to an elderly person; a seat which was specifically designated as due the aged, the infirm, and others of much need. Precisely like, in fact, the seats at the front of a San Francisco bus, which must also be yielded.
Even though they are often not.
The number of times when some self-satisfied prig who works in the law offices located down in the Embarcadero Center refuses to vacate for an elderly person or a pregnant woman is well-nigh countless. Because, of course, he or she had a long day working for lawyers doing important stuff; they are justifiably tired, whereas an aged or infirm person obviously didn't do anything nearly so meaningful.
Especially if they are Chinese.
The rush-hour buses are standing room only at least one block before Chinatown.
Important law-office white people do NOT offer their seat to pregnant Chinese women, elderly Chinese of either gender, or damned well anyone else at all.
Again, that's folks who work in the Embarcadero Center office towers, where there are more lawyers and law-offices than anywhere else in the city. It's the beginning of the Number One California line.
In the video below, the disrespectful Wuhanese yuppie gets roundly chivied by several old folks. His lack of common courtesy and civilised manners is not appreciated.
Very actively dis-appreciated.
武漢一男子因公交上未讓座遭多名老人暴打!
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEZB5yx78RM; it can also be seen here: http://v.163.com/zixun/V8GAM8GTF/VA4D1RLM6.html.]
It used to be common in the Western World for younger people to yield their seat to older passengers, and men to stand so that women could sit down. Not so much an unwritten code as taken for granted.
That's how I was taught, and I'm not even an antique.
But many people today weren't raised like that.
Law-office support staff, for instance.
In Wuhan, the other passengers reacted with ire to a younger man being so uncivil, and he got the worst of it.
I would love to see that happen on the Number One California.
Heading up Nob Hill with a full load of law office garbage.
Instead, what I usually see are passengers studiously absorbed in their cell-phones, so that they do not have to act like human beings, social creatures, or folks with any sense of ethics, decency, or manners.
They believe that it is only right and proper that elderly Chinese people should stand while they sit. Because, after all, they are not like them.
Apparently the young man in the video was not injured.
Which is a very great pity.
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Even though they are often not.
The number of times when some self-satisfied prig who works in the law offices located down in the Embarcadero Center refuses to vacate for an elderly person or a pregnant woman is well-nigh countless. Because, of course, he or she had a long day working for lawyers doing important stuff; they are justifiably tired, whereas an aged or infirm person obviously didn't do anything nearly so meaningful.
Especially if they are Chinese.
The rush-hour buses are standing room only at least one block before Chinatown.
Important law-office white people do NOT offer their seat to pregnant Chinese women, elderly Chinese of either gender, or damned well anyone else at all.
Again, that's folks who work in the Embarcadero Center office towers, where there are more lawyers and law-offices than anywhere else in the city. It's the beginning of the Number One California line.
In the video below, the disrespectful Wuhanese yuppie gets roundly chivied by several old folks. His lack of common courtesy and civilised manners is not appreciated.
Very actively dis-appreciated.
武漢一男子因公交上未讓座遭多名老人暴打!
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEZB5yx78RM; it can also be seen here: http://v.163.com/zixun/V8GAM8GTF/VA4D1RLM6.html.]
It used to be common in the Western World for younger people to yield their seat to older passengers, and men to stand so that women could sit down. Not so much an unwritten code as taken for granted.
That's how I was taught, and I'm not even an antique.
But many people today weren't raised like that.
Law-office support staff, for instance.
In Wuhan, the other passengers reacted with ire to a younger man being so uncivil, and he got the worst of it.
I would love to see that happen on the Number One California.
Heading up Nob Hill with a full load of law office garbage.
Instead, what I usually see are passengers studiously absorbed in their cell-phones, so that they do not have to act like human beings, social creatures, or folks with any sense of ethics, decency, or manners.
They believe that it is only right and proper that elderly Chinese people should stand while they sit. Because, after all, they are not like them.
Apparently the young man in the video was not injured.
Which is a very great pity.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Thursday, September 11, 2014
A SCOTTISH MOVIE MAN
Per a tradition dating back to when I lived on Broadway and The Amphibian worked at the second-hand bookstore of lamentable and not-to-be-mentioned in polite company name, once a week the both of us end up at a dive bar in Chinatown.
Start with horrible wine on Broadway.
Pint of beer elsewhere while observing craziness at the intersection from our perch above the mob, as well as art in the alleyway.
Finish with whiskey while people screech.
Full service karaoke.
I am still baffled why Deutsche Welle was on the television at the dive in Chinatown.
AGENDA, WITH BRENT GOFF
Deutsche Welle is the German 'mission civilisatrice'.
News, kultur, and existential angst.
No, it's not Sprockets
Panel discussion, four participants, as near as we can tell talking about child refugees, mistakes made in the fight against Ebola, and the upcoming Scottish separatist vote.
Brent Goff, Usman Shehu, Karl Kopp, and Billy MacKinnon.
Two journalists for Deutsche Welle.
A European asylum activist.
And a Scotsman.
Remember, it's a bar with Chinese people.
And a karaoke machine.
The sound was off on the television, so the Amphibian and myself were the only ones paying attention to the roundtable discussion, and that only because Billy MacKinnon has the most bizarre hand language. Flying, swooping, jabbing, fruit-picking, diving, and twirling, twirling, twirling.
Twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling!
Flutters, twitches, and a series of full upper torso wobbles to boot.
Like watching a man with syphilitic muscle spasms
Or directing an imaginary orchestra.
Inner karaoke.
William (Billy) MacKinnon has quite a few praestations under his belt.
Writer (6 credits)
2014 Dawn (adaptation)
2012 Aufzug (The Lift) (Short)
2009 Wayfaring Stranger (Short) (writer)
2007 Savage (Short)
1998 Hideous Kinky (writer)
1996 Small Faces (written by - as Billy Mackinnon)
Producer (5 credits)
2012 Violine (Short) (executive producer)
1996 Small Faces (producer - as Billy Mackinnon)
1990 The Last Crop (TV Movie) (producer)
1989 Sweetie (co-producer - as William MacKinnon)
1986 Passing Glory (Short) (producer)
Miscellaneous Crew (5 credits)
2014 Shongram (story editor)
2010 The Orgasm Diaries (script editor)
1999 Mauvaise passe (script editor)
1993 The Piano (script editor)
1989 Sweetie (script editor)
Second Unit Director or Assistant Director (2 credits)
1998 Hideous Kinky (second unit director)
1996 Small Faces (second unit director)
[SOURCE: The Internet Movie Database. ]
Honestly, I had never heard of Mr. William (Billy) MacKinnon before.
Now I cannot get his ridiculous hand mannerisms out of my head.
A flapping of fingers till the feathers fly.
His bucket-load of nervous tics.
Or the evil of his smirk.
Stop that!
It must have been a good show, but unfortunately all we know is that that man needs a straight-jacket, if only so that his fellow tablers don't seize one of his hands and smack it down on the table. "Stop moving those hands, just stop!" Perhaps lock the offending extremity down by jabbing a steak knife through it and pinning it to the table. He'd swoop his other hand around in expressive indignation, good, that one gets immobilized too.
With both out of action, maybe he'd finally fall silent.
How do you know when Billy MacKinnon is talking?
Simple.
If you think I'm making too much of him and this, it's because I am.
His fellow paneleers started unconsciously emulating him, gesticulating ever more absurdly, and soon even the Amphibian was nearly levitating from the wild wingbeats with which he punctuated his witty commentary on the spectacle. It was altogether irritating and embarrassing, plus intensely and painfully annoying. It grated horribly upon the eyes.
Very gay, but not in a nice way.
No doubt there's a medicine for that.
Valium should work.
Or a taser.
Flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping!
Once again: valium.
Horse pills.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Start with horrible wine on Broadway.
Pint of beer elsewhere while observing craziness at the intersection from our perch above the mob, as well as art in the alleyway.
Finish with whiskey while people screech.
Full service karaoke.
I am still baffled why Deutsche Welle was on the television at the dive in Chinatown.
AGENDA, WITH BRENT GOFF
Deutsche Welle is the German 'mission civilisatrice'.
News, kultur, and existential angst.
No, it's not Sprockets
Panel discussion, four participants, as near as we can tell talking about child refugees, mistakes made in the fight against Ebola, and the upcoming Scottish separatist vote.
Brent Goff, Usman Shehu, Karl Kopp, and Billy MacKinnon.
Two journalists for Deutsche Welle.
A European asylum activist.
And a Scotsman.
Remember, it's a bar with Chinese people.
And a karaoke machine.
The sound was off on the television, so the Amphibian and myself were the only ones paying attention to the roundtable discussion, and that only because Billy MacKinnon has the most bizarre hand language. Flying, swooping, jabbing, fruit-picking, diving, and twirling, twirling, twirling.
Twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling, twirling!
Flutters, twitches, and a series of full upper torso wobbles to boot.
Like watching a man with syphilitic muscle spasms
Or directing an imaginary orchestra.
Inner karaoke.
William (Billy) MacKinnon has quite a few praestations under his belt.
Writer (6 credits)
2014 Dawn (adaptation)
2012 Aufzug (The Lift) (Short)
2009 Wayfaring Stranger (Short) (writer)
2007 Savage (Short)
1998 Hideous Kinky (writer)
1996 Small Faces (written by - as Billy Mackinnon)
Producer (5 credits)
2012 Violine (Short) (executive producer)
1996 Small Faces (producer - as Billy Mackinnon)
1990 The Last Crop (TV Movie) (producer)
1989 Sweetie (co-producer - as William MacKinnon)
1986 Passing Glory (Short) (producer)
Miscellaneous Crew (5 credits)
2014 Shongram (story editor)
2010 The Orgasm Diaries (script editor)
1999 Mauvaise passe (script editor)
1993 The Piano (script editor)
1989 Sweetie (script editor)
Second Unit Director or Assistant Director (2 credits)
1998 Hideous Kinky (second unit director)
1996 Small Faces (second unit director)
[SOURCE: The Internet Movie Database. ]
Honestly, I had never heard of Mr. William (Billy) MacKinnon before.
Now I cannot get his ridiculous hand mannerisms out of my head.
A flapping of fingers till the feathers fly.
His bucket-load of nervous tics.
Or the evil of his smirk.
Stop that!
It must have been a good show, but unfortunately all we know is that that man needs a straight-jacket, if only so that his fellow tablers don't seize one of his hands and smack it down on the table. "Stop moving those hands, just stop!" Perhaps lock the offending extremity down by jabbing a steak knife through it and pinning it to the table. He'd swoop his other hand around in expressive indignation, good, that one gets immobilized too.
With both out of action, maybe he'd finally fall silent.
How do you know when Billy MacKinnon is talking?
Simple.
If you think I'm making too much of him and this, it's because I am.
His fellow paneleers started unconsciously emulating him, gesticulating ever more absurdly, and soon even the Amphibian was nearly levitating from the wild wingbeats with which he punctuated his witty commentary on the spectacle. It was altogether irritating and embarrassing, plus intensely and painfully annoying. It grated horribly upon the eyes.
Very gay, but not in a nice way.
No doubt there's a medicine for that.
Valium should work.
Or a taser.
Flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping, flapping!
Once again: valium.
Horse pills.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
STOCKTON STREET IN SAN FRANCISCO: CHINESE MUSHROOMS, SAUSAGES, DRIED SEA-FOOD, SOUP INGREDIENTS, AND MANY MORE TASTY THINGS
Recently a reader posted a question in my 'letterbox' (which is linked at the bottom of this and other posts), writing: "I just moved to SF and was wondering if you knew of a place to find Dong Gu 冬菇 the Chinese Winter Mushrooms. I'm not Chinese and don't know the city too well but it seems like you might know. Thanks so much! "
Of course I promptly wrote back.
Because it's a food quest.
Food is great.
[Begin cite]
Hi G.L.,
Almost any grocery store that caters to Asians will carry those. In C'town, check the places along Stockton Street that have bottled sauces and dry goods. But there are also shops on Jackson between Stockton and Grant.
Wing Scene: 898 Stockton Street, corner of Clay Street, is as good a place as any, as well as at the Stockton Seafood Center (green awnings) across Clay at 900 Stockton, which sells only dry goods, including herbs and tonics. But further down Stockton between Washington and Broadway is filled with food places that are good for browsing.
BTW: on Jackson, between Stockton and Powell, north side of the street, are butcher stores that sell the preferred Cantonese cuts of meat, including the Wah Hing Market (華興公司), where a number of basic Chinese grocery store items can be found, including odd sauces and dried ingredients.
Note that none of these stores have much of a visible English language sign presence; for their customers, that isn't necessary.
The very best kind of dong gu (冬菇) are thick, beautifully puffy looking, and have an even crackly skin on the cap. These will cost a lot more. For regular purposes, lesser grades are just as useful, however.
You might find those at Nan Hai Corporation, 919 Grant Avenue, between Washington and Jackson. They're good to keep in mind for many Chinese dried goods, as well as an extremely impressive selection of teas.
There are also numerous Chinese-Viet grocery stores in the Tenderloin, and along Clement Street, as well as in the outer Sunset and Richmond.
Good luck.
[End cite]
NOTES
A) - First two stores mentioned
Wing Scene
永勝食品公司
['wing sing sik-pan gung-si']
898 Stockton St, San Francisco, CA 94108
A multitude of groceries. Dried goods, wafers, biscuits, crackers, Chinese candies and snacky things, sauces, etcetera. One can also find imported mooncakes here, during the season, as well as patent remedies and eggroll cookies.
Stockton Street Seafood Center
蟲草城海味店
['chung-chou seng hoi-mei dim']
900 Stockton St, San Francisco, CA 94108
Mostly dried fish of various types, dry shrimp, dry oysters and other bivalves, tonic herbs and bulk dried vegetables, canned abalone, and similar things. Plus some staples.
The dried mushrooms (冬菇 'dung-gu') are arrayed opposite the bins of sea cucumber (海參 'hoi-saam'); they also have Indonesian pure white swallows nest (印尼白燕窩 'yan-nei baak yin-wo'), beautiful humongous dried African abalone (非洲鮑魚 'fei-chau baau-yü'), Japanese purple ling zhi fungus (日本紫靈芝 'yat-pun ji ling-ji'), fish belly (魚肚 'yü tou'), San Wui aged dried orange peel (新會陳年舊陳皮 'san-wui chan-nin kau chan-pei'), Yunnan tienchi (雲南田七 'waan-nam tin-chat'), and Guangdong ji red fruit (廣東吉紅果 'gwon dung kat hung gwo'；a type of hawthorn). Plus, for tea purposes, Hangzhou tribute chrysanthemum flower (杭州貢菊花 'hong-jau gung guk-faa'), Xinjiang Kunlun snow chrysanthemum (新疆崑崙雪菊 'san-geung kwan luen suet guk-faa').
And of course American ginseng (花旗參 'faa-gei saam').
B) - Places along Stockton Street
Just walking down from the tunnel to Broadway, a number of shops strike the eye. Not all of them will sell dried mushrooms, but many of them do. Besides numerous fascinating condiments, dried goods, and fresh foods.
Between Sacramento and Clay Street:
Won Kow Food Products
環球海味食品公司
['waan-kau hoi-mei sik-pan gung-si']
814 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Dried seafoods, and a variety of other things. Nowadays, mostly magazines, movies, fifty-part television melodramas, and doodads for your cell device.
Wycen Foods Inc.
祥發臘味
['cheung faat laap mei']
832 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Excellent preserved meats, sausages, cured pork. And of particular note: delicious beef jerky (美味的牛肉幹 'mei mei dik ngau yiuk gon').
Wing Scene
永勝食品公司
['wing sing sik-pan gong-si']
898 Stockton St, San Francisco, CA 94108
Between Clay and Washington Street:
Stockton St. Seafood Center, Inc.
蟲草城海味店
['chung-chou seng hoi-mei dim']
900 & 902 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Between Washington and Jackson Street:
Tai Sang Trading Co. Inc
大生堂
['taai sang tong']
1018 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Hop Hing Ginseng Co.
合興參茸藥行
['hap hing saam-yung yuek hong']
1027Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Tonic herbs and quality dried ingredients.
Rainbow House
彩雲軒
['choi wan hin']
1014 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh fruit and vegetables galore.
Golden Way Trading Company
偉恆貿易公司
[wai-hang mau-yi gung-si']
1024 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Booze, dry goods, cookies, candies, tea. Teabags especially. Friendly owners.
Mei's Groceries Inc.
嘉美雜貨公司
['gaa mei jaap-fo gung-si']
1037 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Dry goods, vitasoy drinks, lots of condiments.
Kang Hua Trading Inc.
康華參茸藥材行
['hong waa saam-yung yuek-choi hong']
1040 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Mostly herbs and patent remedies, plus tonics.
Wan Cheong Ginseng Company
萬昌參茸行
['maan cheung saam-yung hong']
1043 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Ginseng, herbs, and sea-flavour dried goods. Particularly sea cucumber (海參 'hoi saam'), octopus (章魚 'jeung yü'), and Japanese dried oysters (日本蠔豉 'yat-pun hou-si').
Vegiland Market
橙地蔬果店
['chaang dei so-gwo dim']
1055 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Lots of fresh vegetables and fruit.
Between Jackson Street and Pacific Avenue:
Little Paradise
多樂趣
['do lok-chuk']
1101 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Vegetables, fruits, groceries, juices, candies.
Sheng Hing Market
生興孖結
['saang hing maa-git']
1105 -- 1109 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh and dried goods, condiments. But by far, mostly lots of fruits and vegetables.
City Super
Lien Hing Supermarket Inc.
聯興超級市場
['leun hing chiu-kap si-cheung']
1108 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Variety of fresh fruits and vegetables.
D & T Market
大同超市
['daai tung chiu si']
Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh fruit and vegetables.
New United Supermarket
新聯華超級市場
['san luen waa chiu-kap si-cheung']
1117 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Kin Sun Market
健新雜貨
['gin san jaap-fo']
1118 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
"SEAFOOD WORLD"
海鮮世界
['hoi sin sai-gaai']
1135 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh fish, shellfish, pork, lamb, and poultry (家禽 'gaa-kam'). Please note that this business does not appear to have an English name, but is never-the-less an excellent resource.
Pacific Ave. Seafood Trading Co.
新同發魚翅海產
['san tung faat yü-chi hoi-chaan']
1143 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
An excellent place for lobster and live eel.
Liang's Food
梁生生海產
['leung saang saang hoi-chaan']
1145 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Seafood.
Kwong Cheong Tai
廣昌泰
['gwong cheung taai']
1199 B. Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Dried sea flavours, fermented fish, and mixed goods.
An enjoyable place to shop, particularly for desiccated shrimp and oysters.
Between Pacific Avenue and Broadway:
"GREAT CHINA HERBS"
大中華參茸行
['daai jung waa saam-yung hang']
1201 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
A big bright herbs and dried goods emporium, with no English name.
Dates, ling zhi, fish maw, and shrimp.
Sun Sang Market
永豐燒臘肉食公司
['wing fung siu-laap yiuk-sik gung-si']
1205 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fresh meats, roasted or barbecued meats like duck, pork, and chicken, and prepared dishes to take home.
Liang's Seafood Inc.
魚蝦蟹
['yü haa haai']
1207 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
High quality fresh seafood. Reliable.
Sun Wah Trading Co.
新華集團有限公司
['san-waa jaap-tuen yau-haan gung-si']
1211 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
New Louie's Inc.
新雷氏孖結
['san leui si maa-git']
1213 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Mostly fruits and vegetables.
Sunnyland Produce
新發食品公司
['san faat sik-pan gung-si']
1215 - 1217 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fresh fruits and vegetables, plus condiments and canned food.
Chung Chou City
蟲草城海味店
['chung-chou seng hoi-mei dim']
1230 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133
Dried foods: beche de mer, seahorses, shrimp, dried fish.
On the awning:
鮑參翅腸，急凍海產。'baau saam chi cheung', 'gap dung hoi chaan'.
蟲草總匯，燕窩參茸。'chung-chou jung-wui', 'yin-wo saam-yung'.
Basically, that's abalone, ginseng, fins, stomach; flash frozen ocean products.
Company harvested products; swallow's nest and traditional tonics.
Inside the store certain things stand out, like "country bumpkin dried bokchoi" (鄉下佬白菜乾 'heung-haa-lou baak-choi gon'), dried flounder (大地魚 'daai dei yü') for stock, firewood fish (紫魚肉 'ji yü yiuk') for a yummy saveur, and a marvelous selection of dried mushrooms in apothecary jars: "monkey head mushroom" (猴頭菇 'hau-tau-gu'; hericium erinaceus), "slick kiddie mushroom" (滑子菇 'gwat ji gu'; possibly a relative of the common champignon), "precious concubine mushroom" (珍姬菇 'jan gei gu'; perhaps a relative of the tree oyster), "abalone mushroom" (鮑魚菇 'baau yü gu'; pleurotus cystidiosus), "dancing antlers mushroom" (舞茸菇 'mou yung gu'; grifola frondosa, maitake), and "goat belly mushroom" (羊肚菌 'yeung tou kwan'; the morel).
One other thing caught my eye, namely Jilin deer tendons (吉林鹿腳筋 'kat-lam luk keuk gan' ), and I can only hazard a guess what those are good for.
Kin Tat Co.
祫逹公司
['haap daat gung-si']
1248 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fresh produce.
No, I don't know where the pronunciation 'kin' comes from.
It may be an alternate reading of which I am ignorant.
Sun Sun Trading Co.
新新參茸海味行
['san san saam-yung hoi-mei hong']
1252 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Jing Ye Co.
景業公司
['ging yip gung-si']
1254 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Best Food Produce
新頂好
['san ding hou']
1262 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables
Kum Luen
金錀
['kam luen']
1265 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables.
Between Broadway and Vallejo Street:
Chung Kui Imports & Exports Co.
中僑參茸公司
['jung giu saam-yung gung-si']
1306 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Medicinal and tonic herbs.
Pang Kee Bargain Market
平記平價市場
['ping gei ping gaa si-cheung']
1308 & 1310 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Canned and bottled items from South East Asia, and a vast variety of crunchy snacky things. Plus the flaky eggroll cookies (蛋卷;'daan kuen') in large red tins that you really need to buy for Chinese New Year.
Tian Shan Ginseng and Herb
天山參茸藥行
['tin saan saam-yung yuek hong']
1341 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
New Nature Herbal Line
佰草堂
['baak chou tong']
1341 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Sun Kau Shing Co., Inc.
新國興公司
['san gwok hing gung-si']
1352 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Good selection of condimenta.
Between Vallejo and Green Street:
Lee's Market
百佳超級市場
['baak gaai chiu-kap si-cheung']
1401 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fruits, vegetables, and crowds.
Asia Herbs
亞洲參茸藥材
['ngaa-jau saam-yung yuek-choi']
1418 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
C) - On Jackson, between Stockton and Powell
JC Trading Company
華興公司
['waa hing gung-si']
830 Jackson Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Various cuts of pork much preferred by Cantonese people, and a good selection of dried ingredients and noodles.
Hang Seng Meat Market
恒生肉鋪
['hang saang yiuk pou']
834 Jackson Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Good meat.
D) - Nan Hai Corporation and Grant Avenue
Nam Hai Corp
南海集團參茸行有限公司
['naam-hoi jaap-tuen saam-yung hong yau-haan gung-si']
919 Grant Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Probably the best place for loose-leaf teas in Chinatown, well-laid out and organized, with a friendly staff. There are also raw herbs, tonics, and patent remedies, as well as the usual naambaakhong clutter of ginseng and standard dry ingredients.
Look for 毛蟹王 ('mou-haai-wong'); the "hairy crab king".
It's a type of semi-fermented tea.
A lovely product.
Not strictly speaking relevant, but it should definitely be mentioned:
Ming Kee Game Birds Inc.
明記家禽
['ming gei gaa-kam']
1136 Grant Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94133.
For all your ptarmigan and grouse needs.
Treat your friends to something fabulous.
AFTERWORD
You will have noticed that I did not include any of the small eateries on Stockton Street or its vicinity. Those are detailed here: snacky things, in an article that also mentions places elsewhere in Chinatown.
Nor are any of the bakeries listed. Many bakeries can be found in this post: pastries and milk tea; and again, not only Stockton Street.
Roast meats, particularly fowl, will be listed in dream duck. Quack.
Kam Po Hong Kong Kitchen (港新寶燒腊小食) at the intersection of Powell and Broadway, and Gourmet Delight Carousel (新凱豐燒臘店) between Pacific and Jackson on Stockton.
Lastly, a place where you can eat roast goose:
Yee's Restaurant
文仔記燒臘茶餐廳
['man-chai-gei siu-laap cha-chan-teng ']
1131 Grant Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94133.
They have a pretty darn good selection of both roast meats to go as well as hot dishes to eat there, and can accommodate larger groups. But the single diner will be treated as well as anyone else.
Their name brings up another subject: the cha-chanteng (茶餐廳 "tea restaurant"). That being a style of eatery where strong milk-tea (港式奶茶 'gong-sik naai cha') is served, or half tea half coffee with condensed milk (鴛鴦 'yuen-yeung'), plus unique Hong Kong interpretations of food may be found in such a place, such as syrup bombe HK French toast, dolled-up insta-noodle, fried spaghetti, and baked dishes.
Decent list here: milk-tea, and full ideal menu here: cha-chanteng.
Live well. Go ahead.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Of course I promptly wrote back.
Because it's a food quest.
Food is great.
[Begin cite]
Hi G.L.,
Almost any grocery store that caters to Asians will carry those. In C'town, check the places along Stockton Street that have bottled sauces and dry goods. But there are also shops on Jackson between Stockton and Grant.
Wing Scene: 898 Stockton Street, corner of Clay Street, is as good a place as any, as well as at the Stockton Seafood Center (green awnings) across Clay at 900 Stockton, which sells only dry goods, including herbs and tonics. But further down Stockton between Washington and Broadway is filled with food places that are good for browsing.
BTW: on Jackson, between Stockton and Powell, north side of the street, are butcher stores that sell the preferred Cantonese cuts of meat, including the Wah Hing Market (華興公司), where a number of basic Chinese grocery store items can be found, including odd sauces and dried ingredients.
Note that none of these stores have much of a visible English language sign presence; for their customers, that isn't necessary.
The very best kind of dong gu (冬菇) are thick, beautifully puffy looking, and have an even crackly skin on the cap. These will cost a lot more. For regular purposes, lesser grades are just as useful, however.
You might find those at Nan Hai Corporation, 919 Grant Avenue, between Washington and Jackson. They're good to keep in mind for many Chinese dried goods, as well as an extremely impressive selection of teas.
There are also numerous Chinese-Viet grocery stores in the Tenderloin, and along Clement Street, as well as in the outer Sunset and Richmond.
Good luck.
[End cite]
NOTES
A) - First two stores mentioned
Wing Scene
永勝食品公司
['wing sing sik-pan gung-si']
898 Stockton St, San Francisco, CA 94108
A multitude of groceries. Dried goods, wafers, biscuits, crackers, Chinese candies and snacky things, sauces, etcetera. One can also find imported mooncakes here, during the season, as well as patent remedies and eggroll cookies.
Stockton Street Seafood Center
蟲草城海味店
['chung-chou seng hoi-mei dim']
900 Stockton St, San Francisco, CA 94108
Mostly dried fish of various types, dry shrimp, dry oysters and other bivalves, tonic herbs and bulk dried vegetables, canned abalone, and similar things. Plus some staples.
The dried mushrooms (冬菇 'dung-gu') are arrayed opposite the bins of sea cucumber (海參 'hoi-saam'); they also have Indonesian pure white swallows nest (印尼白燕窩 'yan-nei baak yin-wo'), beautiful humongous dried African abalone (非洲鮑魚 'fei-chau baau-yü'), Japanese purple ling zhi fungus (日本紫靈芝 'yat-pun ji ling-ji'), fish belly (魚肚 'yü tou'), San Wui aged dried orange peel (新會陳年舊陳皮 'san-wui chan-nin kau chan-pei'), Yunnan tienchi (雲南田七 'waan-nam tin-chat'), and Guangdong ji red fruit (廣東吉紅果 'gwon dung kat hung gwo'；a type of hawthorn). Plus, for tea purposes, Hangzhou tribute chrysanthemum flower (杭州貢菊花 'hong-jau gung guk-faa'), Xinjiang Kunlun snow chrysanthemum (新疆崑崙雪菊 'san-geung kwan luen suet guk-faa').
And of course American ginseng (花旗參 'faa-gei saam').
B) - Places along Stockton Street
Just walking down from the tunnel to Broadway, a number of shops strike the eye. Not all of them will sell dried mushrooms, but many of them do. Besides numerous fascinating condiments, dried goods, and fresh foods.
Between Sacramento and Clay Street:
Won Kow Food Products
環球海味食品公司
['waan-kau hoi-mei sik-pan gung-si']
814 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Dried seafoods, and a variety of other things. Nowadays, mostly magazines, movies, fifty-part television melodramas, and doodads for your cell device.
Wycen Foods Inc.
祥發臘味
['cheung faat laap mei']
832 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Excellent preserved meats, sausages, cured pork. And of particular note: delicious beef jerky (美味的牛肉幹 'mei mei dik ngau yiuk gon').
Wing Scene
永勝食品公司
['wing sing sik-pan gong-si']
898 Stockton St, San Francisco, CA 94108
Between Clay and Washington Street:
Stockton St. Seafood Center, Inc.
蟲草城海味店
['chung-chou seng hoi-mei dim']
900 & 902 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Between Washington and Jackson Street:
Tai Sang Trading Co. Inc
大生堂
['taai sang tong']
1018 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Hop Hing Ginseng Co.
合興參茸藥行
['hap hing saam-yung yuek hong']
1027Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Tonic herbs and quality dried ingredients.
Rainbow House
彩雲軒
['choi wan hin']
1014 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh fruit and vegetables galore.
Golden Way Trading Company
偉恆貿易公司
[wai-hang mau-yi gung-si']
1024 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Booze, dry goods, cookies, candies, tea. Teabags especially. Friendly owners.
Mei's Groceries Inc.
嘉美雜貨公司
['gaa mei jaap-fo gung-si']
1037 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Dry goods, vitasoy drinks, lots of condiments.
Kang Hua Trading Inc.
康華參茸藥材行
['hong waa saam-yung yuek-choi hong']
1040 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Mostly herbs and patent remedies, plus tonics.
Wan Cheong Ginseng Company
萬昌參茸行
['maan cheung saam-yung hong']
1043 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Ginseng, herbs, and sea-flavour dried goods. Particularly sea cucumber (海參 'hoi saam'), octopus (章魚 'jeung yü'), and Japanese dried oysters (日本蠔豉 'yat-pun hou-si').
Vegiland Market
橙地蔬果店
['chaang dei so-gwo dim']
1055 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Lots of fresh vegetables and fruit.
Between Jackson Street and Pacific Avenue:
Little Paradise
多樂趣
['do lok-chuk']
1101 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Vegetables, fruits, groceries, juices, candies.
Sheng Hing Market
生興孖結
['saang hing maa-git']
1105 -- 1109 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh and dried goods, condiments. But by far, mostly lots of fruits and vegetables.
City Super
Lien Hing Supermarket Inc.
聯興超級市場
['leun hing chiu-kap si-cheung']
1108 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Variety of fresh fruits and vegetables.
D & T Market
大同超市
['daai tung chiu si']
Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh fruit and vegetables.
New United Supermarket
新聯華超級市場
['san luen waa chiu-kap si-cheung']
1117 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Kin Sun Market
健新雜貨
['gin san jaap-fo']
1118 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
"SEAFOOD WORLD"
海鮮世界
['hoi sin sai-gaai']
1135 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Fresh fish, shellfish, pork, lamb, and poultry (家禽 'gaa-kam'). Please note that this business does not appear to have an English name, but is never-the-less an excellent resource.
Pacific Ave. Seafood Trading Co.
新同發魚翅海產
['san tung faat yü-chi hoi-chaan']
1143 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
An excellent place for lobster and live eel.
Liang's Food
梁生生海產
['leung saang saang hoi-chaan']
1145 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Seafood.
Kwong Cheong Tai
廣昌泰
['gwong cheung taai']
1199 B. Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Dried sea flavours, fermented fish, and mixed goods.
An enjoyable place to shop, particularly for desiccated shrimp and oysters.
Between Pacific Avenue and Broadway:
"GREAT CHINA HERBS"
大中華參茸行
['daai jung waa saam-yung hang']
1201 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
A big bright herbs and dried goods emporium, with no English name.
Dates, ling zhi, fish maw, and shrimp.
Sun Sang Market
永豐燒臘肉食公司
['wing fung siu-laap yiuk-sik gung-si']
1205 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fresh meats, roasted or barbecued meats like duck, pork, and chicken, and prepared dishes to take home.
Liang's Seafood Inc.
魚蝦蟹
['yü haa haai']
1207 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
High quality fresh seafood. Reliable.
Sun Wah Trading Co.
新華集團有限公司
['san-waa jaap-tuen yau-haan gung-si']
1211 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
New Louie's Inc.
新雷氏孖結
['san leui si maa-git']
1213 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Mostly fruits and vegetables.
Sunnyland Produce
新發食品公司
['san faat sik-pan gung-si']
1215 - 1217 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fresh fruits and vegetables, plus condiments and canned food.
Chung Chou City
蟲草城海味店
['chung-chou seng hoi-mei dim']
1230 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133
Dried foods: beche de mer, seahorses, shrimp, dried fish.
On the awning:
鮑參翅腸，急凍海產。'baau saam chi cheung', 'gap dung hoi chaan'.
蟲草總匯，燕窩參茸。'chung-chou jung-wui', 'yin-wo saam-yung'.
Basically, that's abalone, ginseng, fins, stomach; flash frozen ocean products.
Company harvested products; swallow's nest and traditional tonics.
Inside the store certain things stand out, like "country bumpkin dried bokchoi" (鄉下佬白菜乾 'heung-haa-lou baak-choi gon'), dried flounder (大地魚 'daai dei yü') for stock, firewood fish (紫魚肉 'ji yü yiuk') for a yummy saveur, and a marvelous selection of dried mushrooms in apothecary jars: "monkey head mushroom" (猴頭菇 'hau-tau-gu'; hericium erinaceus), "slick kiddie mushroom" (滑子菇 'gwat ji gu'; possibly a relative of the common champignon), "precious concubine mushroom" (珍姬菇 'jan gei gu'; perhaps a relative of the tree oyster), "abalone mushroom" (鮑魚菇 'baau yü gu'; pleurotus cystidiosus), "dancing antlers mushroom" (舞茸菇 'mou yung gu'; grifola frondosa, maitake), and "goat belly mushroom" (羊肚菌 'yeung tou kwan'; the morel).
One other thing caught my eye, namely Jilin deer tendons (吉林鹿腳筋 'kat-lam luk keuk gan' ), and I can only hazard a guess what those are good for.
Kin Tat Co.
祫逹公司
['haap daat gung-si']
1248 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fresh produce.
No, I don't know where the pronunciation 'kin' comes from.
It may be an alternate reading of which I am ignorant.
Sun Sun Trading Co.
新新參茸海味行
['san san saam-yung hoi-mei hong']
1252 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Jing Ye Co.
景業公司
['ging yip gung-si']
1254 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Best Food Produce
新頂好
['san ding hou']
1262 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables
Kum Luen
金錀
['kam luen']
1265 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables.
Between Broadway and Vallejo Street:
Chung Kui Imports & Exports Co.
中僑參茸公司
['jung giu saam-yung gung-si']
1306 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Medicinal and tonic herbs.
Pang Kee Bargain Market
平記平價市場
['ping gei ping gaa si-cheung']
1308 & 1310 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Canned and bottled items from South East Asia, and a vast variety of crunchy snacky things. Plus the flaky eggroll cookies (蛋卷;'daan kuen') in large red tins that you really need to buy for Chinese New Year.
Tian Shan Ginseng and Herb
天山參茸藥行
['tin saan saam-yung yuek hong']
1341 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
New Nature Herbal Line
佰草堂
['baak chou tong']
1341 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Sun Kau Shing Co., Inc.
新國興公司
['san gwok hing gung-si']
1352 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Good selection of condimenta.
Between Vallejo and Green Street:
Lee's Market
百佳超級市場
['baak gaai chiu-kap si-cheung']
1401 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
Fruits, vegetables, and crowds.
Asia Herbs
亞洲參茸藥材
['ngaa-jau saam-yung yuek-choi']
1418 Stockton Street, San Francisco, CA 94133.
C) - On Jackson, between Stockton and Powell
JC Trading Company
華興公司
['waa hing gung-si']
830 Jackson Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Various cuts of pork much preferred by Cantonese people, and a good selection of dried ingredients and noodles.
Hang Seng Meat Market
恒生肉鋪
['hang saang yiuk pou']
834 Jackson Street, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Good meat.
D) - Nan Hai Corporation and Grant Avenue
Nam Hai Corp
南海集團參茸行有限公司
['naam-hoi jaap-tuen saam-yung hong yau-haan gung-si']
919 Grant Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94108.
Probably the best place for loose-leaf teas in Chinatown, well-laid out and organized, with a friendly staff. There are also raw herbs, tonics, and patent remedies, as well as the usual naambaakhong clutter of ginseng and standard dry ingredients.
Look for 毛蟹王 ('mou-haai-wong'); the "hairy crab king".
It's a type of semi-fermented tea.
A lovely product.
Not strictly speaking relevant, but it should definitely be mentioned:
Ming Kee Game Birds Inc.
明記家禽
['ming gei gaa-kam']
1136 Grant Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94133.
For all your ptarmigan and grouse needs.
Treat your friends to something fabulous.
AFTERWORD
You will have noticed that I did not include any of the small eateries on Stockton Street or its vicinity. Those are detailed here: snacky things, in an article that also mentions places elsewhere in Chinatown.
Nor are any of the bakeries listed. Many bakeries can be found in this post: pastries and milk tea; and again, not only Stockton Street.
Roast meats, particularly fowl, will be listed in dream duck. Quack.
Kam Po Hong Kong Kitchen (港新寶燒腊小食) at the intersection of Powell and Broadway, and Gourmet Delight Carousel (新凱豐燒臘店) between Pacific and Jackson on Stockton.
Lastly, a place where you can eat roast goose:
Yee's Restaurant
文仔記燒臘茶餐廳
['man-chai-gei siu-laap cha-chan-teng ']
1131 Grant Avenue, San Francisco, CA 94133.
They have a pretty darn good selection of both roast meats to go as well as hot dishes to eat there, and can accommodate larger groups. But the single diner will be treated as well as anyone else.
Their name brings up another subject: the cha-chanteng (茶餐廳 "tea restaurant"). That being a style of eatery where strong milk-tea (港式奶茶 'gong-sik naai cha') is served, or half tea half coffee with condensed milk (鴛鴦 'yuen-yeung'), plus unique Hong Kong interpretations of food may be found in such a place, such as syrup bombe HK French toast, dolled-up insta-noodle, fried spaghetti, and baked dishes.
Decent list here: milk-tea, and full ideal menu here: cha-chanteng.
Live well. Go ahead.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
DEFINITION OF HOOHAH: SOMETHING SHINY ON E-BAY?
A reliable authority informs me that my hoohah smells 'narsty'. That is the news, as of a day and a half ago. I have a 'narsty' hoo-hah, and I should wash with carbolic, definitely more than once every few years or so.
As background, I beg to inform that the small stuffed animals (collectively known as 'the roomies') come alive when my apartment mate returns home. They're fairly silent when I'm alone in the apartment, but as soon as she closes the door behind her, small rude voices pipe up.
They tend to say outrageous things.
I've been denying the small sock sheep the opportunity to become Head Roomie. That role belongs to the 'acting head roomie', a small she-sheep, and the 'senior Teddy Bear', who is on a sanity break.
Snidely desperately wants to be appointed 'head roomie', so that he can organize a grand parade (!) in his own honour.
I maintain that he is too young & silly.
In response, he maligns my hoohah.
"IT'S NARSTY!!!"
I have no clue what my hoohah is. He cannot describe it. If I knew what it was, I could wave it at him (which I've threatened), or wash it.
I thought I was clean.
He says 'no'.
"Is it round? Square? Triangular?
Perhaps trapezoid shape?"
"IT'S NARSTY!"
Since my apartment mate broke up with her boy-friend, she's been staying home a lot in the evening. The roomies utter meanspirited things towards each other and to me, while she quietly cruises the internet for period costume jewelry, and refuses to take part in the conversation.
When I started chanting "hoohah, hoohah, hoohah", she merely told me to stop teasing the little dude. Who was grunting as if constipated, in his frustration and fury.
Hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah!
I didn't know sheep could squeal. He really does sound plugged up.
Probably too much candy, not enough veggies.
Hoohah.
I don't know if my apartment mate found what she was looking for on e-bay. I was too intrigued by the concept of digestively blocked farm animals and veterinary high colonics to ask.
Feel free to speculate about my hoohah, whatever that is, either in the comments field or via personal message placed in the letterbox below. Just remember, it is very clean, because I bathe regularly, and despite mean-spirited statements, it does not smell.
It is round, square, and triangular.
As well as trapezoid.
Hoohah.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
As background, I beg to inform that the small stuffed animals (collectively known as 'the roomies') come alive when my apartment mate returns home. They're fairly silent when I'm alone in the apartment, but as soon as she closes the door behind her, small rude voices pipe up.
They tend to say outrageous things.
I've been denying the small sock sheep the opportunity to become Head Roomie. That role belongs to the 'acting head roomie', a small she-sheep, and the 'senior Teddy Bear', who is on a sanity break.
Snidely desperately wants to be appointed 'head roomie', so that he can organize a grand parade (!) in his own honour.
I maintain that he is too young & silly.
In response, he maligns my hoohah.
"IT'S NARSTY!!!"
I have no clue what my hoohah is. He cannot describe it. If I knew what it was, I could wave it at him (which I've threatened), or wash it.
I thought I was clean.
He says 'no'.
"Is it round? Square? Triangular?
Perhaps trapezoid shape?"
"IT'S NARSTY!"
Since my apartment mate broke up with her boy-friend, she's been staying home a lot in the evening. The roomies utter meanspirited things towards each other and to me, while she quietly cruises the internet for period costume jewelry, and refuses to take part in the conversation.
When I started chanting "hoohah, hoohah, hoohah", she merely told me to stop teasing the little dude. Who was grunting as if constipated, in his frustration and fury.
Hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah, hoohah!
I didn't know sheep could squeal. He really does sound plugged up.
Probably too much candy, not enough veggies.
Hoohah.
I don't know if my apartment mate found what she was looking for on e-bay. I was too intrigued by the concept of digestively blocked farm animals and veterinary high colonics to ask.
Feel free to speculate about my hoohah, whatever that is, either in the comments field or via personal message placed in the letterbox below. Just remember, it is very clean, because I bathe regularly, and despite mean-spirited statements, it does not smell.
It is round, square, and triangular.
As well as trapezoid.
Hoohah.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW WHAT YOU DO?
It's a valid question. But perhaps it's a bit inconvenient to answer right now, and you don't have to tell me. But your Nana has questions, nay, appears perversely fascinated by the whole subject! Your lesbianism, that is. And she's quite obsessed with holes.
Given that she's ninety years old or whatever, that's not entirely surprising. There's huge holes everywhere at that age, magically appearing and disappearing.
And lord knows when I reach ninety, I too shall insistently ask people inconvenient questions about holes. Perhaps not with the same single minded focus -- I expect I'll be a little off-target, maybe even in a haze of assisted care facility valium so that the overworked nurses can ignore me for an hour or two instead of dealing with my suggestive leers and kissy face -- but dangitall, I will want to know about those holes!
Sorry, I got a little sidetracked by the holes.
Thank you, someone else's Nana.
You brought them up.
Holes.
NANA, FERCRAP'S SAKE DON'T MENTION GOD!
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SOH4xFnRno#t=134.]
I find Nana's curiosity and worry about the various holes infinitely more interesting and emotionally gripping than her granddaughter's lesbianism.
Okay, da girlie be gay; no problem.
Some very fine people indeed are flaming dykes.
But in grandma's day, lesbianism had not been invented yet.
"You kiss her and you love her?"
It's a very sweet video. I'm sure grandma will eventually get over it.
Maressa Darezzo, your Nana is hella cool.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Given that she's ninety years old or whatever, that's not entirely surprising. There's huge holes everywhere at that age, magically appearing and disappearing.
And lord knows when I reach ninety, I too shall insistently ask people inconvenient questions about holes. Perhaps not with the same single minded focus -- I expect I'll be a little off-target, maybe even in a haze of assisted care facility valium so that the overworked nurses can ignore me for an hour or two instead of dealing with my suggestive leers and kissy face -- but dangitall, I will want to know about those holes!
Sorry, I got a little sidetracked by the holes.
Thank you, someone else's Nana.
You brought them up.
Holes.
NANA, FERCRAP'S SAKE DON'T MENTION GOD!
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SOH4xFnRno#t=134.]
I find Nana's curiosity and worry about the various holes infinitely more interesting and emotionally gripping than her granddaughter's lesbianism.
Okay, da girlie be gay; no problem.
Some very fine people indeed are flaming dykes.
But in grandma's day, lesbianism had not been invented yet.
"You kiss her and you love her?"
It's a very sweet video. I'm sure grandma will eventually get over it.
Maressa Darezzo, your Nana is hella cool.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Monday, September 08, 2014
THAT RICH MANLY SMELL, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT!
I think I may have turned a crotchet at a very young age: fourteen. That was when I finally started buying tobacco to shove into the pipe I bought several weeks earlier, when I was thirteen. As you would expect, within less than a month I was complaining that nothing was the same anymore boy back in my day sonny oh yes!
Women were blonder, and boobs still had magic!
The sky was more cloudless then too.
I cannot remember which pipe tobacco I smoked before Erinmore Flake, but it was probably either Niemeyer Scottish Mixture or Niemeyer Irish mixture. Whatever the case, it did not make me vomit.
That role was reserved for Erinmore.
Twice. Forsooth, I say!
Fourteen.
I should mention that I presently have about three dozen tins of it. Underneath that fruity top-dressing, it's actually a very sound albeit hefty flake. The perfume burns off within moments, and if you smoke it with calmness, it is quite satisfying and yields a fine white ash.
It is surprisingly subtle.
Almost pongless.
But smoke it very slowly.
Almost on the cusp of going out.
If you don't, perhaps you too will barf.
I mention all this to highlight the fact that despite the constant stream of whiners comparing the past to today's horrid situation, vis–à–vis smoking and the availability of fine addictive substances, we actually live in a golden age. More fine tobacco is available now than ever before, and because all the fatso hairy-chested gold-chain-wearing vulgarians are huffing expensive stogies to show off their wealth and fantasy penis-size, we no longer have to worry about pimp-styling cretins ruining our reputation in the eyes of young impressionable people.
Break out the champagne, Cletus.
We iz become cool again!
Hot dawg!
And we smell good.
It's like we're magic, or something.
With a mysterious background hint of tropical fruits.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Women were blonder, and boobs still had magic!
The sky was more cloudless then too.
I cannot remember which pipe tobacco I smoked before Erinmore Flake, but it was probably either Niemeyer Scottish Mixture or Niemeyer Irish mixture. Whatever the case, it did not make me vomit.
That role was reserved for Erinmore.
Twice. Forsooth, I say!
Fourteen.
I should mention that I presently have about three dozen tins of it. Underneath that fruity top-dressing, it's actually a very sound albeit hefty flake. The perfume burns off within moments, and if you smoke it with calmness, it is quite satisfying and yields a fine white ash.
It is surprisingly subtle.
Almost pongless.
But smoke it very slowly.
Almost on the cusp of going out.
If you don't, perhaps you too will barf.
I mention all this to highlight the fact that despite the constant stream of whiners comparing the past to today's horrid situation, vis–à–vis smoking and the availability of fine addictive substances, we actually live in a golden age. More fine tobacco is available now than ever before, and because all the fatso hairy-chested gold-chain-wearing vulgarians are huffing expensive stogies to show off their wealth and fantasy penis-size, we no longer have to worry about pimp-styling cretins ruining our reputation in the eyes of young impressionable people.
Break out the champagne, Cletus.
We iz become cool again!
Hot dawg!
And we smell good.
It's like we're magic, or something.
With a mysterious background hint of tropical fruits.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
NINE BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING FILIPINO-AMERICAN: VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR!
Auntie Joy, Auntie Lou, and Auntie Esther, plus Baby, Honey Boy, Bong Bong, Joker, Pinky, Neneng, Sunshine, Jeprocks, Balsy, Pepsi, Cookie, Cheeto, Grace, RJ, JR, and Mary Anne, all agree that it's that sparkly sourness that makes it all special. And I'm inclined to agree.
I am not a Filipino-American, so I'm simply going with the flow.
Being agreeable and diplomatic. As is my natural inclination.
Vinegar.
Actually, however, the best thing about all those other people being Filipino-American is that I might eventually get some Adobo. Yes, I can make it myself. But even if it tastes exactly like anyone else's Adobo, it tastes better when someone's mom or auntie made it.
Vinegar is one of the ingredients.
But there's more than that. According to the video below, there are actually NINE best things about being Filipino American.
Including Halo Halo.
Halo Halo is iconic.
Talagang kahangahangang, na.
Vinegar is usually NOT one of the ingredients.
THAT'S PETER, HE BROUGHT THE DR. PEPPER
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2IHPIqTNcI.]
Did you notice the bottle of vinegar? I'm sure you did. Vinegar is the ever-present Filipino magic potion, and in some guise present at every meal. Often the most evident manifestation of vinegar is a little bowl with chopped or crushed garlic in pure white vinegar.
Especially good with pork, and shrimp, chicken, deep-fried food, noodles, lumpia, sisigan, pata, crunchy things, alimango, tsitsaron, batchoy, vegetables or whatever, and more pork.
Or just spooned over your rice.
Especially if there's pork.
Either in, or on.
Magdagdag suka sa lahat ng bagay; highly recommended.
Datu Puti White and Cane Vinegar
From the 'Philippine's foremost producer, marketer and distributor of quality sauces and condiments': "Datu Puti Vinegar provides "Mukhasim" sourness. It will enliven & awaken the flavors of your favorite Filipino dishes. It provides the distinct kick and spike needed for dipping and cooking applications Datu Puti, pakawalan ang tunay na asim!"
[SOURCE: NutriAsia Group.]
It's masyadong maasim, masarap to da max. Talaga.
Face-scrunchingly sour.
I once gave a bottle of homemade hot chilipepper vinegar, with garlic, peppercorns, and other spices, plus touches of citrus, salt, and sugar, to a friend. A few days later she told me that she and her husband had used the whole bottle for dinner, on their pork chops and rice, and it was ganap delicious!
Okay then. Entire bottle.
Yowza.
Mafran Banana Ketchup should've also made the list.
Making it 'ten best things'.
Seriously.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
I am not a Filipino-American, so I'm simply going with the flow.
Being agreeable and diplomatic. As is my natural inclination.
Vinegar.
Actually, however, the best thing about all those other people being Filipino-American is that I might eventually get some Adobo. Yes, I can make it myself. But even if it tastes exactly like anyone else's Adobo, it tastes better when someone's mom or auntie made it.
Vinegar is one of the ingredients.
But there's more than that. According to the video below, there are actually NINE best things about being Filipino American.
Including Halo Halo.
Halo Halo is iconic.
Talagang kahangahangang, na.
Vinegar is usually NOT one of the ingredients.
THAT'S PETER, HE BROUGHT THE DR. PEPPER
[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2IHPIqTNcI.]
Did you notice the bottle of vinegar? I'm sure you did. Vinegar is the ever-present Filipino magic potion, and in some guise present at every meal. Often the most evident manifestation of vinegar is a little bowl with chopped or crushed garlic in pure white vinegar.
Especially good with pork, and shrimp, chicken, deep-fried food, noodles, lumpia, sisigan, pata, crunchy things, alimango, tsitsaron, batchoy, vegetables or whatever, and more pork.
Or just spooned over your rice.
Especially if there's pork.
Either in, or on.
Magdagdag suka sa lahat ng bagay; highly recommended.
Datu Puti White and Cane Vinegar
From the 'Philippine's foremost producer, marketer and distributor of quality sauces and condiments': "Datu Puti Vinegar provides "Mukhasim" sourness. It will enliven & awaken the flavors of your favorite Filipino dishes. It provides the distinct kick and spike needed for dipping and cooking applications Datu Puti, pakawalan ang tunay na asim!"
[SOURCE: NutriAsia Group.]
It's masyadong maasim, masarap to da max. Talaga.
Face-scrunchingly sour.
I once gave a bottle of homemade hot chilipepper vinegar, with garlic, peppercorns, and other spices, plus touches of citrus, salt, and sugar, to a friend. A few days later she told me that she and her husband had used the whole bottle for dinner, on their pork chops and rice, and it was ganap delicious!
Okay then. Entire bottle.
Yowza.
Mafran Banana Ketchup should've also made the list.
Making it 'ten best things'.
Seriously.
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
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GRITS AND TOFU
Like most Americans, I have a list of people who should be peacefully retired from public service and thereafter kept away from their desks,...
