There were over fifty e-mails that I did not get today. And actually, I’m feeling good about that. Not everything ever sent needs to arrive.
Most of the e-mails were about wonderful things I can do with my penis. Now, you would think that having had the thing for several years (my whole life, in fact), I myself would be most cognizant of strange tricks I can do with Brother Dongus. I’m in the best position to know, right?
No.
There’s a panel of experts out there, all of them alerting me to misuse.
Or leastways, incomplete or haphazard use. Of my penis. There is SO much more I can and should be doing (with my Johnson) that they feel the need to contact me.
Several of the e-mails had titles that referenced medication.
I did not open them, because I know EXACTLY where my John Thomas has been in the last thirty years or more, and I have reason to believe it has only been in good wholesome places.
My penis has led a fine upstanding life, in fact.
No medical treatment needed.
A number of e-mails suggested I should either encourage breathlessness, panicked gasping for air, or violent agitation.
Possibly this would also involve medication, and did I already mention that I’ve kept complete and accurate track of what my Dangling Modifier has ever done, and where?
I'm rather OCD that way. It's a gift.
Some messages were captioned in a way that suggested that penile dimensions and electric energy were linked – I do not intend to solve the energy crisis myself, so I did not read those either.
ZESTY YOUNG NUNS!
The one about teenage lesbians in the rectory looked interesting, but having seen more than enough nude documentaries over the years I am painfully aware that my tastes and the tastes of the average home and garden pervert do, in fact, differ considerably. I have good taste, the average deviant doesn’t.
Almost everything that Bubba MacSmut likes is unpleasant – the common pornographer has the jejune tastes of a twelve-year old, and the cinematographic hamhandedness of a tourist with a new gadget. We do NOT need to see your auntie wave at the camera in front of cousin Betsy blowing the world’s oldest donkey. But thank you for the offer, and feel free to keep showing that vacation tape to your friends and family.
They’ll be delighted!
The saddest e-mail was the one that may have suggested that sex with a teacher was in the cards.
I cannot remember any teachers who appealed to me in that way, although several of them did smoke cigars, and I like cigars. Cigars are very good.
Cigars are not a sound basis for exploitative sex with elderly people, however. And even though they weren’t elderly when I knew them, even in that day and age they weren’t quite my ‘type’.
Sorry.
Besides, it just isn’t right to depend on teachers for a bang. They probably cannot handle it with equanimity, and seeing the person who forced his exuberant youth on them in class everyday might make them nervous. In any case it would affect their instruction. Some teachers are shy, and blush easily, a few stutter at the drop of a hat.
And many are far too obsessed with their own peculiar subject to be interested in anyone else's "peculiar subject".
As per the recommendation of our e-mail filter, I have deleted all e-mails selected. Somewhere a spammer is weeping.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
SANDY, QUICK, AND FRAGRANT
We have been informed that our Hong Kong office is now on the other side of the road.
For the benefit of my coworkers, most of whom will never read this, here's a bit of linguistic help.
[If your machine is not configured to show Chinese script,you are well and truly hosed. Sorry.]
ADDRESS
地址 : 香港 九龍 尖沙咀東 麼地道 xx號 xx廣場 xx樓 xx室
[地址 address ('day-djee'; earth location, address): 香港 Hong Kong (Fragrant Harbour); 九龍 Kowloon (Nine Dragons); 尖沙咀東 Tsim Sha Tsui Tung (Sharp Sand Chew East); 麼地道 Mody Road (What? Earth Road; 道road, way, darma; also the Tao spoken of so fondly by white hippies) xx號 number xx xx廣場 XX Kwong Cheung ('XX Broad Stage/Threshing floor; 廣場 public square, commercial centre; 場 stage or threshing floor) xx樓 xxth storey (樓 lou = floor, storey; multi-storeyed building) xx室 xx room (室 sat = room, compartment, domicile).]
"Heungkong Kaulung Tseemsatsoey-tung, Mo-day tow xx ho, XX Kwong-cherng, xx lau, xx sat."
Region or country first, then city, then district, then street address, then floor, then room (suite).
Now please practice writing and saying that until you've got it down perfectly. There may be a test.
-----------------------------------------------------------
ADDITIONAL DATA
SHARP SAND
Tsim Sha Tsui (尖沙咀), often abbreviated TST, is an urbanised area in the Yau Tsim Mong District (油尖旺區) in southern Kowloon (九龍), Hong Kong (香港).
Tsim Sha Tsui East is mostly land reclaimed from Hung Hom Bay (紅磡灣; Hung Ham Waan - red sea-cliff bay) east of Tsim Sha Tsui. The area is bordered on the north by Austin Road and in the east by Hong Chong Road.
Geographically, Tsim Sha Tsui is a cape on the tip of the Kowloon Peninsula pointing towards Victoria Harbour (維多利亞港 Wei Do Lei Ya Gong). Several villages existed here before Kowloon was ceded to the British in 1860. Tsim Sha Tsui in Chinese means sharp sand mouth. It was also known as Heung Po Tau (香埗頭), fragrant wharf head - because of the export of tree-incense.
SWIFT WATER
Maps from the Ming (明朝) and Ching (清朝) dynasties give the channel between Tsim Sha Tsui and Central as Chung Mun (中門 middle gate) because it is located in between two other channels, Kap Shui Mun (汲水門 gulp water gate) in the west and Lei Yue Mun (鯉魚門 carp gate) in the east.
Kap Shui Mun (汲水門) is a large channel, between Lantau Island (爛頭 raggedy head, also called 大嶼山 - taai yu san: big islet mountain) and Ma Wan (馬灣 horse bay). It is on the major route along the southern coast, from Victoria Harbour to the Pearl River.
The original name of Kap Shui Mun was the same, but written with a different first character (急水門), thus reading as fast-moving water gate, which accurately references the treacherous current in the channel. In order to change the associations of the name with something more fortuitous, it was renamed: kap shui mun (汲水門), "water-fetching gate". Water implies wealth (so, in a sense, 'wealth seize gate').
SINKING FRANGRANCE
Incense tree (Aquilaria sinensis) from the New Territories was warehoused at wharves in Tsim Sha Tsui and transferred to Shek Pai Wan (石排灣 rock rows bay) on the southern shore of Hong Kong Island to be exported to rest of the world. Hence, of course, the name 'Fragrant Harbour' (香港 Heung Kong).
Aquilaria sinensis (agarwood 沈香 tsam heung: sinking frangrance) is a species of tree in the Thymelaeaceae family, native to China. The tree produces a heavy wood used for incense. Previously, incense sticks of this wood were manufactured in Hong Kong, but due to the scarcity of the wood this is now rare. Sandal wood and winter pear are still made locally, however.
The fragrant quality of the wood results from a stress condition that creates resin-rich strata within the heart wood. The resin can be extracted in large quantities at the site of natural fungal infections, or by incising to a depth of two inches through the bark. After a few years the resin which will have collected in the affected part can be harvested. Formerly, the tree would be felled and the resin expressed out by heat. Resin-rich pieces of the wood are still sold as an expensive and pure incense. Trees older than two decades yielded the best incense, and were more resin-rich, than young growth.
Nowadays decent quality agarwood is also derived from a related tree, Aquilaria malaccensis, but supplies of even that are diminishing.
Another name for the product is Pak Muk Heung (白木香) (White Wood Fragrance), because of the white to off-white hue of the wood.
NOTE: the very best 沈香 comes from old trees long dead in the wilds of Annam and Tonkin, or their malaccensis kin in the forests of Malaya and Borneo. These products can still be found in San Francisco if one looks with perseverance. But if such things are not available, or only the cheaper brands, you might prefer Snow Pear Fragrance (雪梨香 suut-lei heung).
Aquilaria renders a resinous almost oily aroma when smoldering, sandalwood and white sandalwood can be quite sweet, Snow Pear gives a thin dry mildly floral woodsiness.
Because of the spare fragrance of Snow Pear and the powderiness of the sawdust used to manufacture stick incense, joss can only be made when the humidity in the air is just right - less glue is used so as not to overpower - and the sticks can easily crack, the wood powder flake off in chunks, if badly made or improperly stored.
When you find it available, buy a few bundles for later.
All wood incenses discourage mosquitoes, evoke a literary mood, and will furthermore disguise the smell of pipe tobacco smoked in the side room overlooking the garden late at night, which one's significant other may have expressly and unreasonably forbidden.
Incense adds to the quality of life.
ADDENDUM: A FEW OTHER TERMS RELATED TO INCENSE
檀 Taan = sandalwood; purple-red; a surname.
紫檀 Zi taan = red sandalwood; 紫 Zi = purple, purple red; a surname.
青檀 Tseng taan = blue-green sandalwood (Pteroceltis tatarinowii Maxim), from the bark of which 宣紙 is made. 宣紙 = Suun chee ('proclamation paper'), an excellent caligraphy paper from Geng-Yun (涇縣), Suen Seng (宣城), in Onfai (安徽 Anhui) province.
栴檀 Jin taan = sandalwood.
欃 Tsaam = sandalwood (Santalum album), a tree that produces fragrant oil.
檀島 Taan-to = Sandalwood Isles; Hawaii.
For the benefit of my coworkers, most of whom will never read this, here's a bit of linguistic help.
[If your machine is not configured to show Chinese script,you are well and truly hosed. Sorry.]
ADDRESS
地址 : 香港 九龍 尖沙咀東 麼地道 xx號 xx廣場 xx樓 xx室
[地址 address ('day-djee'; earth location, address): 香港 Hong Kong (Fragrant Harbour); 九龍 Kowloon (Nine Dragons); 尖沙咀東 Tsim Sha Tsui Tung (Sharp Sand Chew East); 麼地道 Mody Road (What? Earth Road; 道road, way, darma; also the Tao spoken of so fondly by white hippies) xx號 number xx xx廣場 XX Kwong Cheung ('XX Broad Stage/Threshing floor; 廣場 public square, commercial centre; 場 stage or threshing floor) xx樓 xxth storey (樓 lou = floor, storey; multi-storeyed building) xx室 xx room (室 sat = room, compartment, domicile).]
"Heungkong Kaulung Tseemsatsoey-tung, Mo-day tow xx ho, XX Kwong-cherng, xx lau, xx sat."
Region or country first, then city, then district, then street address, then floor, then room (suite).
Now please practice writing and saying that until you've got it down perfectly. There may be a test.
-----------------------------------------------------------
ADDITIONAL DATA
SHARP SAND
Tsim Sha Tsui (尖沙咀), often abbreviated TST, is an urbanised area in the Yau Tsim Mong District (油尖旺區) in southern Kowloon (九龍), Hong Kong (香港).
Tsim Sha Tsui East is mostly land reclaimed from Hung Hom Bay (紅磡灣; Hung Ham Waan - red sea-cliff bay) east of Tsim Sha Tsui. The area is bordered on the north by Austin Road and in the east by Hong Chong Road.
Geographically, Tsim Sha Tsui is a cape on the tip of the Kowloon Peninsula pointing towards Victoria Harbour (維多利亞港 Wei Do Lei Ya Gong). Several villages existed here before Kowloon was ceded to the British in 1860. Tsim Sha Tsui in Chinese means sharp sand mouth. It was also known as Heung Po Tau (香埗頭), fragrant wharf head - because of the export of tree-incense.
SWIFT WATER
Maps from the Ming (明朝) and Ching (清朝) dynasties give the channel between Tsim Sha Tsui and Central as Chung Mun (中門 middle gate) because it is located in between two other channels, Kap Shui Mun (汲水門 gulp water gate) in the west and Lei Yue Mun (鯉魚門 carp gate) in the east.
Kap Shui Mun (汲水門) is a large channel, between Lantau Island (爛頭 raggedy head, also called 大嶼山 - taai yu san: big islet mountain) and Ma Wan (馬灣 horse bay). It is on the major route along the southern coast, from Victoria Harbour to the Pearl River.
The original name of Kap Shui Mun was the same, but written with a different first character (急水門), thus reading as fast-moving water gate, which accurately references the treacherous current in the channel. In order to change the associations of the name with something more fortuitous, it was renamed: kap shui mun (汲水門), "water-fetching gate". Water implies wealth (so, in a sense, 'wealth seize gate').
SINKING FRANGRANCE
Incense tree (Aquilaria sinensis) from the New Territories was warehoused at wharves in Tsim Sha Tsui and transferred to Shek Pai Wan (石排灣 rock rows bay) on the southern shore of Hong Kong Island to be exported to rest of the world. Hence, of course, the name 'Fragrant Harbour' (香港 Heung Kong).
Aquilaria sinensis (agarwood 沈香 tsam heung: sinking frangrance) is a species of tree in the Thymelaeaceae family, native to China. The tree produces a heavy wood used for incense. Previously, incense sticks of this wood were manufactured in Hong Kong, but due to the scarcity of the wood this is now rare. Sandal wood and winter pear are still made locally, however.
The fragrant quality of the wood results from a stress condition that creates resin-rich strata within the heart wood. The resin can be extracted in large quantities at the site of natural fungal infections, or by incising to a depth of two inches through the bark. After a few years the resin which will have collected in the affected part can be harvested. Formerly, the tree would be felled and the resin expressed out by heat. Resin-rich pieces of the wood are still sold as an expensive and pure incense. Trees older than two decades yielded the best incense, and were more resin-rich, than young growth.
Nowadays decent quality agarwood is also derived from a related tree, Aquilaria malaccensis, but supplies of even that are diminishing.
Another name for the product is Pak Muk Heung (白木香) (White Wood Fragrance), because of the white to off-white hue of the wood.
NOTE: the very best 沈香 comes from old trees long dead in the wilds of Annam and Tonkin, or their malaccensis kin in the forests of Malaya and Borneo. These products can still be found in San Francisco if one looks with perseverance. But if such things are not available, or only the cheaper brands, you might prefer Snow Pear Fragrance (雪梨香 suut-lei heung).
Aquilaria renders a resinous almost oily aroma when smoldering, sandalwood and white sandalwood can be quite sweet, Snow Pear gives a thin dry mildly floral woodsiness.
Because of the spare fragrance of Snow Pear and the powderiness of the sawdust used to manufacture stick incense, joss can only be made when the humidity in the air is just right - less glue is used so as not to overpower - and the sticks can easily crack, the wood powder flake off in chunks, if badly made or improperly stored.
When you find it available, buy a few bundles for later.
All wood incenses discourage mosquitoes, evoke a literary mood, and will furthermore disguise the smell of pipe tobacco smoked in the side room overlooking the garden late at night, which one's significant other may have expressly and unreasonably forbidden.
Incense adds to the quality of life.
ADDENDUM: A FEW OTHER TERMS RELATED TO INCENSE
檀 Taan = sandalwood; purple-red; a surname.
紫檀 Zi taan = red sandalwood; 紫 Zi = purple, purple red; a surname.
青檀 Tseng taan = blue-green sandalwood (Pteroceltis tatarinowii Maxim), from the bark of which 宣紙 is made. 宣紙 = Suun chee ('proclamation paper'), an excellent caligraphy paper from Geng-Yun (涇縣), Suen Seng (宣城), in Onfai (安徽 Anhui) province.
栴檀 Jin taan = sandalwood.
欃 Tsaam = sandalwood (Santalum album), a tree that produces fragrant oil.
檀島 Taan-to = Sandalwood Isles; Hawaii.
BIG BUCKET FULL
Savage Kitten is an exemplary woman. Most of the time. As my readers by now know, Savage Kitten is my longtime companion and better half. She is a small Cantonese-American female with a sharpish tongue and a lot of patience. She needs that patience because she lives with me.
Sometimes, however, I'm the one that needs the patience.
Especially when she says things in front of the open window that all the neighbors can hear.
Recently the kitchen sink got plugged. Probably because of her casual attitude towards tealeaves and other scrap material of vegetable origin. I am very careful about it, she believes that "if you wish it, it will go".
And everything goes in.
The kitchen sink is in front of the open window. The shared airwell is on the other side of the open window. Everything you say in front of that open window can be heard by everyone else on that airwell.
"Toad, have you been sh*tt*ng in the sink again?!?"
This pursuant the blockage that kept the basin from draining. I clarified that I had done no such thing. Ever.
You know what she meant, I know what she meant. Our neighbors do NOT know what she meant.
As is her wont, she looked studiously innocent after saying something embarrassing in front of the open window. The expression on her face said "who, me? I don't know what you're talking about". Looking like that is a carefully nurtured skill that usually works to my disadvantage, especially in public. She does it very well.
To deal with the drainage problem I proposed that I clear the liquid from the sink, and went to get a bucket from the bathroom.
"That's the bucket we bathe out of! Get a different bucket!"
The shower hasn't worked for years. It's rather pointless getting it fixed, as the equipment is a bit old. We simply dump buckets of water over ourselves.
As far as I'm concerned, our neighbors did not need to know that we bathe out of a bucket.
"No, not that one! That's my cootch bucket!!!"
Gee, hon, you really want everyone to know your c**tch is that big? What must they be thinking now? And what, pray tell, is a cootch bucket?
Turns out a cootch bucket is the bucket in which she washes her scanties. Women are strange that way, they'll wash their undies BEFORE taking them to the Laundromat.
No wonder those things smell so delightfully fresh. Mmmmm!
I didn't know one needed a special vessel for that. A cootch bucket.
The smallest bucket in the house. Delicate, tiny. Holds no more than four or five litres.
No idea what the ratio of cootches to litres is, your guess is as good as mine.
You could just wash 'em in the kitchen sink, hon, I wouldn't notice.
Oh wait. It's plugged. Never mind.
After I emptied the sink she insisted that I thoroughly wash her cootch bucket. When I suggested that that would be much more fun with her sitting in it, she screamed that I was a weird white man, an utter deviant, and an obsessed sicko.
In front of the open window.
I'm certain that several pairs of eyes followed me out of the building this morning.
POSTSCRIPT
In great good spirits she called me at work today to convey that the sink is no longer plugged, she had fixed it.
"In my hands a plunger is like a delicate surgeon's scalpel"
She is, after all, a landlords daughter, and related to engineers. She knows what she's doing. With her around, you don't need a man for your plumbing needs.
I hope the neighbors appreciate that there's no more sh*t in the sink.
Sometimes, however, I'm the one that needs the patience.
Especially when she says things in front of the open window that all the neighbors can hear.
Recently the kitchen sink got plugged. Probably because of her casual attitude towards tealeaves and other scrap material of vegetable origin. I am very careful about it, she believes that "if you wish it, it will go".
And everything goes in.
The kitchen sink is in front of the open window. The shared airwell is on the other side of the open window. Everything you say in front of that open window can be heard by everyone else on that airwell.
"Toad, have you been sh*tt*ng in the sink again?!?"
This pursuant the blockage that kept the basin from draining. I clarified that I had done no such thing. Ever.
You know what she meant, I know what she meant. Our neighbors do NOT know what she meant.
As is her wont, she looked studiously innocent after saying something embarrassing in front of the open window. The expression on her face said "who, me? I don't know what you're talking about". Looking like that is a carefully nurtured skill that usually works to my disadvantage, especially in public. She does it very well.
To deal with the drainage problem I proposed that I clear the liquid from the sink, and went to get a bucket from the bathroom.
"That's the bucket we bathe out of! Get a different bucket!"
The shower hasn't worked for years. It's rather pointless getting it fixed, as the equipment is a bit old. We simply dump buckets of water over ourselves.
As far as I'm concerned, our neighbors did not need to know that we bathe out of a bucket.
"No, not that one! That's my cootch bucket!!!"
Gee, hon, you really want everyone to know your c**tch is that big? What must they be thinking now? And what, pray tell, is a cootch bucket?
Turns out a cootch bucket is the bucket in which she washes her scanties. Women are strange that way, they'll wash their undies BEFORE taking them to the Laundromat.
No wonder those things smell so delightfully fresh. Mmmmm!
I didn't know one needed a special vessel for that. A cootch bucket.
The smallest bucket in the house. Delicate, tiny. Holds no more than four or five litres.
No idea what the ratio of cootches to litres is, your guess is as good as mine.
You could just wash 'em in the kitchen sink, hon, I wouldn't notice.
Oh wait. It's plugged. Never mind.
After I emptied the sink she insisted that I thoroughly wash her cootch bucket. When I suggested that that would be much more fun with her sitting in it, she screamed that I was a weird white man, an utter deviant, and an obsessed sicko.
In front of the open window.
I'm certain that several pairs of eyes followed me out of the building this morning.
POSTSCRIPT
In great good spirits she called me at work today to convey that the sink is no longer plugged, she had fixed it.
"In my hands a plunger is like a delicate surgeon's scalpel"
She is, after all, a landlords daughter, and related to engineers. She knows what she's doing. With her around, you don't need a man for your plumbing needs.
I hope the neighbors appreciate that there's no more sh*t in the sink.
REAL LUMBERJACK
A few years ago I mentioned that pipe smokers who have spent money on a tin of tobacco that they will never finish are a sour lot, given to vituperation and lyric fury. Consequently, the reviews they may render of a despicable product can be a joy to read.
Follows a sampling - some paraphrasis, and the actual name of the product omitted.
REVIEWS
"This is poo, and I'm tipping the rest of this ghastly mess in the dump. It smelled like the crapper caught fire.
If you like this you probably like smoking road kill."
"This one is not for sissies."
"I'm chucking the pipe in which I smoked this into the furnace."
"It tasted like unadulterated bear crap - not that I've ever smoked bear crap, but I will NOT spend my money on something that tastes like arse."
"It turned too harsh very quickly and made me sick."
"Heavy, sweet, and medicinal. It made me sick."
"Unique. It made me sick."
"This tobacco leaves a sticky brown residue on your hands. It takes great effort to light, then tastes like it smells - floral soap and chocolate.
I don't really like it that much."
"My wife did NOT like the way it smelled. But the dog didn't run away."
"I sing in the choir."
"It made me sick."
"Three stars, except for the burn and bite."
"The offensive topping smells like a sewer exploded - I've never tasted burning sewer, but you-all are real lumberjacks."
.........
Well now.
This sounds fascinating. Delightful, even.
I shan't tell you what product from which highly esteemed company this is, so as not to influence your buying decisions.
All I can say is I've got to get me a tin.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Follows a sampling - some paraphrasis, and the actual name of the product omitted.
REVIEWS
"This is poo, and I'm tipping the rest of this ghastly mess in the dump. It smelled like the crapper caught fire.
If you like this you probably like smoking road kill."
"This one is not for sissies."
"I'm chucking the pipe in which I smoked this into the furnace."
"It tasted like unadulterated bear crap - not that I've ever smoked bear crap, but I will NOT spend my money on something that tastes like arse."
"It turned too harsh very quickly and made me sick."
"Heavy, sweet, and medicinal. It made me sick."
"Unique. It made me sick."
"This tobacco leaves a sticky brown residue on your hands. It takes great effort to light, then tastes like it smells - floral soap and chocolate.
I don't really like it that much."
"My wife did NOT like the way it smelled. But the dog didn't run away."
"I sing in the choir."
"It made me sick."
"Three stars, except for the burn and bite."
"The offensive topping smells like a sewer exploded - I've never tasted burning sewer, but you-all are real lumberjacks."
.........
Well now.
This sounds fascinating. Delightful, even.
I shan't tell you what product from which highly esteemed company this is, so as not to influence your buying decisions.
All I can say is I've got to get me a tin.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
HOLDING FOR DOLLARS
Yes, that was probably me calling you about that invoice. The one for $1,024.95 which is now TWO MONTHS past-due. We want it paid.
Surely you can understand that?
I know you can!
And I really did enjoy little Jennifer answering the phone. I know you hire your staff because they are entertaining, or leastways ‘non-threatening’. Your customers are shy creatures and easily scared. It was so very amusing when she dropped the phone while taking a message. I’m truly sorry I said things that made her cry. Teenagers are SO fragile. Kiss her for me, and pat her on her shiny little head – there there, little one, everything is all right!
All right?
I hope she gets over the trauma; I wouldn’t want her first boyfriend to come stalking me.
Give her another bonbon.
No, I really don’t mind being on hold. While I’m waiting for you to emerge from your office, I’ll just fondle a piece of wood. It’s a Peterson pipe with a two-tone finish (a billiard shape, straight, tapered stem, with a shiny nickel band). An aesthetic experience, very comforting to the senses. Probably much more so than that bottle of Bourbon you hurriedly shoved back into the desk drawer when little Jennifer knocked and told you I was on line.
I knew if I called you three times before lunch I’d finally get a hold of you.
Stop drinking that cheap Bourbon. Real men drink Scotch.
A good piece of briar is quite the touchy-feely adventure. Erotic even.
I can fax the invoice, or e-mail it. I would prefer to e-mail it, I know you’re on the computer all day. I just tell myself that the internet exists for five things: recipes, pornography, kitten pictures, anti-Semitic ranting, and hunting down where you live and which sites you visit. Oh, and e-mailing you a complete list of what you owe us.
Your entire past is on line. I know which school you graduated from, your five last known addresses, where your parents live (so sorry about their divorce), the girl whose sister you married......
Did you know that little Jennifer put those embarrassing pictures from the "office" party on her myspace page? You and that Bourbon, my my my!
Thank you SO MUCH for saying that I should be in movies or on the radio! Yeah, other customers have said the same thing. Perhaps if I ever get off my duff I’ll make a demo tape and send it to a voice-agency.
[It’s probably the sensuous feel of the briar that I am slowly stroking while talking to you – it gentles my tone. Soothes the savage beast, as it were, and mellows the growl.]
SURE I’LL HOLD!
There are at least four more pipes on my desk I haven’t fondled yet. And some nice pipe-tobacco I have yet to sniff. Mmmm, gooooooood! Meanwhile, put little Jennifer on the line again. I am here to be entertained.
Surely you can understand that?
I know you can!
And I really did enjoy little Jennifer answering the phone. I know you hire your staff because they are entertaining, or leastways ‘non-threatening’. Your customers are shy creatures and easily scared. It was so very amusing when she dropped the phone while taking a message. I’m truly sorry I said things that made her cry. Teenagers are SO fragile. Kiss her for me, and pat her on her shiny little head – there there, little one, everything is all right!
All right?
I hope she gets over the trauma; I wouldn’t want her first boyfriend to come stalking me.
Give her another bonbon.
No, I really don’t mind being on hold. While I’m waiting for you to emerge from your office, I’ll just fondle a piece of wood. It’s a Peterson pipe with a two-tone finish (a billiard shape, straight, tapered stem, with a shiny nickel band). An aesthetic experience, very comforting to the senses. Probably much more so than that bottle of Bourbon you hurriedly shoved back into the desk drawer when little Jennifer knocked and told you I was on line.
I knew if I called you three times before lunch I’d finally get a hold of you.
Stop drinking that cheap Bourbon. Real men drink Scotch.
A good piece of briar is quite the touchy-feely adventure. Erotic even.
I can fax the invoice, or e-mail it. I would prefer to e-mail it, I know you’re on the computer all day. I just tell myself that the internet exists for five things: recipes, pornography, kitten pictures, anti-Semitic ranting, and hunting down where you live and which sites you visit. Oh, and e-mailing you a complete list of what you owe us.
Your entire past is on line. I know which school you graduated from, your five last known addresses, where your parents live (so sorry about their divorce), the girl whose sister you married......
Did you know that little Jennifer put those embarrassing pictures from the "office" party on her myspace page? You and that Bourbon, my my my!
Thank you SO MUCH for saying that I should be in movies or on the radio! Yeah, other customers have said the same thing. Perhaps if I ever get off my duff I’ll make a demo tape and send it to a voice-agency.
[It’s probably the sensuous feel of the briar that I am slowly stroking while talking to you – it gentles my tone. Soothes the savage beast, as it were, and mellows the growl.]
SURE I’LL HOLD!
There are at least four more pipes on my desk I haven’t fondled yet. And some nice pipe-tobacco I have yet to sniff. Mmmm, gooooooood! Meanwhile, put little Jennifer on the line again. I am here to be entertained.
Monday, August 02, 2010
BODY FLUIDS
One of my earliest memories of the Netherlands is being chased around a doctor’s office by a man with a needle.
It’s a very intense multi-facetted memory – institutional green surfaces, bright lights, a rainy day (a wet tannic aroma from the fallen leaves outside coming in through the open window), and the smell of strong disinfectant.
I’m not entirely sure, but I think my mother may have been laughing her head off. Discretely, of course. No need to traumatize the frantic three year old any MORE than necessary.
We can deduce TWO things from this little datum.
1. There must have been a previous experience with a needle. Why else would I panic?
2. Since then I have had an.. Issue.. With.. Hypodermics.. Puncturing.. Skin.. And.. Slipping.. Into.. Resistant.. Flesh.. Then.. Spurting.. Liquid.
I bring this up because there are good times to recount certain events and bad times.
What may seem like a good time to you may not be a good time to me.
On Saturday Savage Kitten donated blood.
Sunday afternoon we were on the bed, in a state of pronounced undress, when she started talking about being at the blood centre the previous day.
They no longer use butterfly needles at the blood centre - butterfly needles are useful for draining people who have narrow veins - which means that they're back to using the giant horse syringes that take a heavily muscled nurse Ratchett type to fiercely jab in, and in again, and again, until she finally finds that elusive vein.
Also, some middle-aged man in another donating bay was going into shock - they had to keep adding blankets over his shivering form, and apply cold towels to his fevered forehead.
At this point she casually remarked that in that light I looked distinctly green.
['No, honey pie, I too am going into shock. Do you HAVE to mention needles?']
Seeing as I didn't say anything, she blithely carried on. Apparently one person there had NO veins. They kept jabbing him and not finding anything. Or if they did, it was too tiny. See, that's where butterfly needles would have come in handy, they're good for small veins and delicately built victims. By the time they finally found a rich pulsating blood source in his other arm, he must have felt like a pincushion. She rolled the word 'pincushion' around in her mouth. Veins. Needles. Pincushion. Wonderful meaty words.
Long thin metal tubes with a vicious diagonal tip that just slides into the crux of the elbow. The spongy flesh resisting slightly, then enfolding the sharp device.
Savage Kitten also has thin veins. A butterfly needle would have been so nice. But they're probably economizing. Giant horse needles and nurse Ratchett instead.
Cheap sadistic bastards.
Warm dark red liquid pulsing into a baggy in an agitation device, sloshing back and forth, back and forth, to keep from coagulating. About forty minutes.
Everyone should give blood.
She was quite adamant about this. Detailed about the process, too.
Really, I'm going to have to tell that woman that certain things are just not bedroom conversation. Distracting in the extreme. They rather spoil the mood. And are, in fact, inappropriate subject matter for any time.
I was rendered quite "exhausted", and needed to "nap".
What did you expect?
It’s a very intense multi-facetted memory – institutional green surfaces, bright lights, a rainy day (a wet tannic aroma from the fallen leaves outside coming in through the open window), and the smell of strong disinfectant.
I’m not entirely sure, but I think my mother may have been laughing her head off. Discretely, of course. No need to traumatize the frantic three year old any MORE than necessary.
We can deduce TWO things from this little datum.
1. There must have been a previous experience with a needle. Why else would I panic?
2. Since then I have had an.. Issue.. With.. Hypodermics.. Puncturing.. Skin.. And.. Slipping.. Into.. Resistant.. Flesh.. Then.. Spurting.. Liquid.
I bring this up because there are good times to recount certain events and bad times.
What may seem like a good time to you may not be a good time to me.
On Saturday Savage Kitten donated blood.
Sunday afternoon we were on the bed, in a state of pronounced undress, when she started talking about being at the blood centre the previous day.
They no longer use butterfly needles at the blood centre - butterfly needles are useful for draining people who have narrow veins - which means that they're back to using the giant horse syringes that take a heavily muscled nurse Ratchett type to fiercely jab in, and in again, and again, until she finally finds that elusive vein.
Also, some middle-aged man in another donating bay was going into shock - they had to keep adding blankets over his shivering form, and apply cold towels to his fevered forehead.
At this point she casually remarked that in that light I looked distinctly green.
['No, honey pie, I too am going into shock. Do you HAVE to mention needles?']
Seeing as I didn't say anything, she blithely carried on. Apparently one person there had NO veins. They kept jabbing him and not finding anything. Or if they did, it was too tiny. See, that's where butterfly needles would have come in handy, they're good for small veins and delicately built victims. By the time they finally found a rich pulsating blood source in his other arm, he must have felt like a pincushion. She rolled the word 'pincushion' around in her mouth. Veins. Needles. Pincushion. Wonderful meaty words.
Long thin metal tubes with a vicious diagonal tip that just slides into the crux of the elbow. The spongy flesh resisting slightly, then enfolding the sharp device.
Savage Kitten also has thin veins. A butterfly needle would have been so nice. But they're probably economizing. Giant horse needles and nurse Ratchett instead.
Cheap sadistic bastards.
Warm dark red liquid pulsing into a baggy in an agitation device, sloshing back and forth, back and forth, to keep from coagulating. About forty minutes.
Everyone should give blood.
She was quite adamant about this. Detailed about the process, too.
Really, I'm going to have to tell that woman that certain things are just not bedroom conversation. Distracting in the extreme. They rather spoil the mood. And are, in fact, inappropriate subject matter for any time.
I was rendered quite "exhausted", and needed to "nap".
What did you expect?
Friday, July 30, 2010
LIGHTHEADED AND THINKING OF RODENTS
Apparently I have been smoking rat poison. No, I am nowhere near squeaking my last, but I am just a little disconcerted.
If I were a rat, I would be suffering internal bleeding by now. And probably croaking "take the boat, Cletus, I fear I cannot go with you".
Or something like that.
The substance in question stimulates macrophages to degrade extracellular albumen, which permits quicker resorption of edematous fluids. It is toxic to liver and kidneys, though only moderately so.
Unless you are a rat.
"Stay away from the flake, Ruby, they've spiked it!"
The way rats metabolize it, it causes internal haemorrhage. The little buggers bleed to death inside.
"Alas, my multitudinous furry grandchildren, I will never see them gnawing through electrical wires again! Woe!"
CITATION NEEDED!
Coumarin is often found in tobacco products and artificial vanilla substitutes, despite having been banned as a food additive in numerous countries since the mid-20th century. Coumarin was banned as a food additive in the United States in 1978. OSHA considers this compound to be only a lung-specific carcinogen, and "not classifiable as to its carcinogenicity to humans". Coumarin was banned as an adulterant in cigarettes by tobacco companies in 1997, but due to the lack of reporting requirements to the US Department of Health and Human Services it was still being used as a flavoring additive in pipe tobacco. [WIKIPEDIA]
Man, this stuff tastes good! I can thoroughly understand why rats smoke it, it's ultra fine!
I am ... slightly dizzy.
"Although coumarin has no anticoagulant activity, it is transformed to the natural anticoagulant dicoumarol by a number of species of fungi. This proceeds through production of 4-hydroxycoumarin, then further (in the presence of naturally occurring formaldehyde) into the actual anticoagulant dicoumarol, a fermentation product and mycotoxin."
[SOURCE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coumarin ]
Coumarin is an extractive from the Tonka Bean used as a flavouring. It is what gives Samuel Gawith's 1792 Flake its famous and peculiar perfume.
The tobacco itself is also very fine. This a very old-fashioned product with considerable charm.
This is what the tree and the beans look like:
http://www.google.com/images?hl=en&source=imghp&biw=933&bih=606&gbv=2&aq=f&aqi=&oq=&gs_rfai=&q=Dipteryx%20odorata&tbs=isch:1
Tonka Beans are discussed in terms easily understood by food mavens on this webpage:
http://www.uni-graz.at/~katzer/engl/Dipt_odo.html
It is reminiscent of vanilla, freshly mown hay, rootbeer, and perhaps also cinnamon, bitter almond, and cloves. An old fashioned fragrance, not particularly sweet.
1792 Flake renders down to a soft and fine ash, and can be smoked without fear of tongue bite. Because of the relatively high nicotine content the smoker may be woozy afterwards, and if too much is smoked the effects can be quite like a wallop to the head. So sit down.
I highly recommend it - but you may have difficulty finding it in the United States since tobacco was placed under the authority of the Food and Drug Administration.
You should probably just smuggle it in - got any relatives going overseas?
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
If I were a rat, I would be suffering internal bleeding by now. And probably croaking "take the boat, Cletus, I fear I cannot go with you".
Or something like that.
The substance in question stimulates macrophages to degrade extracellular albumen, which permits quicker resorption of edematous fluids. It is toxic to liver and kidneys, though only moderately so.
Unless you are a rat.
"Stay away from the flake, Ruby, they've spiked it!"
The way rats metabolize it, it causes internal haemorrhage. The little buggers bleed to death inside.
"Alas, my multitudinous furry grandchildren, I will never see them gnawing through electrical wires again! Woe!"
CITATION NEEDED!
Coumarin is often found in tobacco products and artificial vanilla substitutes, despite having been banned as a food additive in numerous countries since the mid-20th century. Coumarin was banned as a food additive in the United States in 1978. OSHA considers this compound to be only a lung-specific carcinogen, and "not classifiable as to its carcinogenicity to humans". Coumarin was banned as an adulterant in cigarettes by tobacco companies in 1997, but due to the lack of reporting requirements to the US Department of Health and Human Services it was still being used as a flavoring additive in pipe tobacco. [WIKIPEDIA]
Man, this stuff tastes good! I can thoroughly understand why rats smoke it, it's ultra fine!
I am ... slightly dizzy.
"Although coumarin has no anticoagulant activity, it is transformed to the natural anticoagulant dicoumarol by a number of species of fungi. This proceeds through production of 4-hydroxycoumarin, then further (in the presence of naturally occurring formaldehyde) into the actual anticoagulant dicoumarol, a fermentation product and mycotoxin."
[SOURCE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coumarin ]
Coumarin is an extractive from the Tonka Bean used as a flavouring. It is what gives Samuel Gawith's 1792 Flake its famous and peculiar perfume.
The tobacco itself is also very fine. This a very old-fashioned product with considerable charm.
This is what the tree and the beans look like:
http://www.google.com/images?hl=en&source=imghp&biw=933&bih=606&gbv=2&aq=f&aqi=&oq=&gs_rfai=&q=Dipteryx%20odorata&tbs=isch:1
Tonka Beans are discussed in terms easily understood by food mavens on this webpage:
http://www.uni-graz.at/~katzer/engl/Dipt_odo.html
It is reminiscent of vanilla, freshly mown hay, rootbeer, and perhaps also cinnamon, bitter almond, and cloves. An old fashioned fragrance, not particularly sweet.
1792 Flake renders down to a soft and fine ash, and can be smoked without fear of tongue bite. Because of the relatively high nicotine content the smoker may be woozy afterwards, and if too much is smoked the effects can be quite like a wallop to the head. So sit down.
I highly recommend it - but you may have difficulty finding it in the United States since tobacco was placed under the authority of the Food and Drug Administration.
You should probably just smuggle it in - got any relatives going overseas?
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Thursday, July 29, 2010
ANGST!
Actually, not angst. There is NO angst, more like a lack thereof. A dearth or void of anything remotely 'angstig'. A baffling lack of angstigkeit entirely.
A disappointing insufficiency of angst.
You see, on a mailinglist that I thoughtlessly joined awhile back, it has been revealed that I am not Jewish.
This infuriated at least one individual - a kahanist and Eretz-Yisroel hashleimanik. Two weeks ago that person said "must I allow my ideals be bulldozed by his twisted sense of justice just because he's a gentile who comes out to rallies?".
[Given that you never come to rallies......, maybe yes?]
BRUTAL BULLDOZING LEFT AND RIGHT
Golly, Batman, I had NO idea that common sense and reason were bulldozing your ideals.
What, pray tell, are those ideals?
"American values do not apply to Jews and Israel.
I honestly don't see the difference between someone on 'our' side demanding "justice" for Israel's Arab citizens and our opponents who essentially demand the same."
Well, there IS a fundamental difference, namely that the Arab citizen of Israel who obeys the law should be treated the same as any other citizen, the Jew who doesn't should be prosecuted as any other citizen.
Equal treatment, equal justice, and equal rights (very fundamental Jewish concepts, nota bene) - once you throw these out of the window, my dear Batman, you lose all claim to a moral high ground. American values do indeed apply to Jews and Israel - we aren't Europe, nor is Israel the Arab world.
Our opponents are demanding the destruction of Israel, more or less - what they chose to call it is immaterial, and mere propaganda in any case.
It certainly isn't 'justice'.
It would appear, however, that the fundamental flaw in my ability to see things from Batman's perspective is that I was "well taught in criticizing Torah from a Christian perspective".
Mmmmmmmm...............
I've been called everything from a baby-killing Jew-nazi to a kike racist and christkiller AND a rabid rightwing Christian fundamentalist.
My side has been characterized as everything from dictatorial rightwingers all the way through Stalinist leftwingers.
We are also violent Zionists, according to members of the other side.
All this in addition to being 'neurotic, dysfunctional, and delusional'.
"Well taught in criticizing Torah from a Christian perspective"
Now I'm a Christian Torah-critic. In addition to all that other good stuff.
Gosh darn it, folks, I'm wearing so many hats that my neck is crooked.
The only possible conclusion I can jump to is that I am an extremely talented and multi-facetted individual, just about filled with surprises. I'm so warm inside I could just kvell! No wonder I am entirely 'angst-free'!
As are we all.
Keep watching this site for more surprising revelations.
A disappointing insufficiency of angst.
You see, on a mailinglist that I thoughtlessly joined awhile back, it has been revealed that I am not Jewish.
This infuriated at least one individual - a kahanist and Eretz-Yisroel hashleimanik. Two weeks ago that person said "must I allow my ideals be bulldozed by his twisted sense of justice just because he's a gentile who comes out to rallies?".
[Given that you never come to rallies......, maybe yes?]
BRUTAL BULLDOZING LEFT AND RIGHT
Golly, Batman, I had NO idea that common sense and reason were bulldozing your ideals.
What, pray tell, are those ideals?
"American values do not apply to Jews and Israel.
I honestly don't see the difference between someone on 'our' side demanding "justice" for Israel's Arab citizens and our opponents who essentially demand the same."
Well, there IS a fundamental difference, namely that the Arab citizen of Israel who obeys the law should be treated the same as any other citizen, the Jew who doesn't should be prosecuted as any other citizen.
Equal treatment, equal justice, and equal rights (very fundamental Jewish concepts, nota bene) - once you throw these out of the window, my dear Batman, you lose all claim to a moral high ground. American values do indeed apply to Jews and Israel - we aren't Europe, nor is Israel the Arab world.
Our opponents are demanding the destruction of Israel, more or less - what they chose to call it is immaterial, and mere propaganda in any case.
It certainly isn't 'justice'.
It would appear, however, that the fundamental flaw in my ability to see things from Batman's perspective is that I was "well taught in criticizing Torah from a Christian perspective".
Mmmmmmmm...............
I've been called everything from a baby-killing Jew-nazi to a kike racist and christkiller AND a rabid rightwing Christian fundamentalist.
My side has been characterized as everything from dictatorial rightwingers all the way through Stalinist leftwingers.
We are also violent Zionists, according to members of the other side.
All this in addition to being 'neurotic, dysfunctional, and delusional'.
"Well taught in criticizing Torah from a Christian perspective"
Now I'm a Christian Torah-critic. In addition to all that other good stuff.
Gosh darn it, folks, I'm wearing so many hats that my neck is crooked.
The only possible conclusion I can jump to is that I am an extremely talented and multi-facetted individual, just about filled with surprises. I'm so warm inside I could just kvell! No wonder I am entirely 'angst-free'!
As are we all.
Keep watching this site for more surprising revelations.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
CLEAN WHOLESOME HABITS ONLY!
As an ‘approchement’ to the anti-tobacco fiends fanatics who insisted that firmly closed tins of pipe tobacco in my area offended their delicate sensibilities, I have taken much home, and put the rest away. My desk is at present free of tobacco. Now, can I demand that they stop drenching themselves with cheap-ass perfume?
I think I can.
But it would probably be more politic not to.
Among the tobaccos which have disappeared from sight, due to coworker fascism, are several tins of Samuel Gawith – products of a very fine and ancient company, which has brought far more joy to humanity than any number of wheat-germ snarfing health Nazis.
But this of course brings up a question: What kind of pipe tobacco person are you?
I have prepared a little list. Please choose for yourself which product best describes you.
I am keen to know you better.
TOBACCO PERSONALITIES
Samuel Gawith 1792 Flake
A dark pressed steamed Virginia flake aromatized with Tonquin oil. Strong and robust, must be smoked really slowly. [CLICK]
You are a sleek young miss with a very bright smile, round-faced but with sparkling eyes. Your panties (‘bikini briefs’) are probably electric pink. Like many Chinese girls, you like lobster.
Samuel Gawith Balkan Flake
Dark and fragrant, rich with Latakia. This is a luxurious product, which renders down to a fine white ash. [CLICK]
If you smoke this, you probably like flawless English pipes with two-tone staining, along with silken jammies, lace panties, and ruffles in surprising places. Your spectacles help you look more sweet and innocent than you actually are, but evenso you don’t want to upset your parents. They just don’t know about the pipe-tobacco you've got hidden in the giant plush Hello Kitty on your bed.
Samuel Gawith Commonwealth Mixture
Half aged Virginia, half Latakia. A smoky straightforward product. Full-bodied, for the tweed and leather type. Perfect for foggy evenings. [CLICK]
You have thick shoulder-length hair and a high forehead. You read mystery novels, although occasionally you can be found laughing yourself sick over Barbara Cartland romances. You speak Mandarin better than Cantonese, which displeases your aunties no end. Bad girl!
Samuel Gawith Full Virginia Flake
Brown pressed flue-cured tobacco, medium strength. One of the best flakes on the market right now, along with G. L. Pease’s Union Square. A must for all Virginia smokers. [CLICK]
A quiet little miss, demurely dressed. You favour dark skirts and pale blouses, and you look absolutely fabulous(!) wearing pearls - sometimes you wear nothing else. Home cooking is what you prefer – shrimp paste stuffed beancurd, steamed pork with salt fish, cold poached chicken with shredded ginger.
Samuel Gawith Grousemoor
Blonde ribbons made fragrant with an old-fashioned essence first used in snuff. An excellent product, for what it is, though it will not appeal to very many pipe aficionados. This is like smoking history. [CLICK]
You may come to a bad end, OR you’ll publish your first novel before you’re twenty. Either way, there is a depth to you quite out of keeping with your parents and classmates conceptions. You probably also read licentious literature in several languages. You own only one bra – you have given up on the idea of ever growing into it. That’s where you keep the tobacco, the sand-blast Sasieni, and the Comoy.
Samuel Gawith Skiff Mixture
Mild to medium English-Balkan. More Virginias than one would expect. Slightly heretical. The type of mixture that both young persons as well as old grumps can enjoy. [CLICK]
You are most comfortable in blue-jeans and sweaters. Sometimes athletic. You’ve probably got your hair in a ponytail. When you help out at your parents drygoods store you are friendly with all customers, including the old aunties who only speak hometown dialect, and the elderly uncles who call you ‘leng nui’. BBs.
Samuel Gawith Squadron Leader
The classic English-Balkan with a definite Turkish presence. Redolant and stinky, a profoundly satisfying smoke. Guaranteed to offend pretentious dipwads. Damn good stuff. [CLICK]
One of the most sparkling little ladies around, equally comfortable in jeans or skirts. Saucy, but very intelligent and sensible. You have kissable looking lips and you blush easily. Unlike the rest of your family you also like hotsauce with your food, not just that dab of oyster sauce or hoisin. You even like northern dishes!
Samuel Gawith Saint James Flake
Pressed Virginias and Perique. Strong but smooth, pleasantly sweet. This is the classic vaper. Sophisticated without being froofy or ‘la’. A remarkable product, a real smoke. [CLICK]
Not a day goes by that you don’t have a strong cappuccino or espresso. Yes, you are full of beans. If you were old enough to drink, you would favour brandy. You visit your auntie in C'town everyday – she finds your pipe smoking enchanting, because it reminds her of when she still lived in Hong Kong, sneaking out to party at night. Her oldest friend says the fragrance reminds her of a Shanghainese gentleman caller long ago.
Samuel Gawith Westmoreland Mixture
Virginias, Cavendish, and maybe 30% Latakia. Unusual by American standards, but never the less not uncommon across the pond. A pleasant smoke that some others will sneer at, even though there is nothing wrong with the product – it just doesn’t suit them. A few lucky smokers will find this delightful and exactly what the doctor ordered. It is. [CLICK]
Slim and lithe, with top grades in school. Lowell High is proud of you, and Berkeley can’t wait. But you’ll probably end up at Harvard. Underneath your clothes you wear undies trimmed with lace, because it feels good. Your long long hair is always tied in a ponytail. When tourists ask you anything you often pretend not to speak English. Just because.
See? Scope for everyone. And if you run out of tobacco, I can always give you some. Just look for me when you’re lurking near the tobacco store or in an alleyway up from Stockton Street, and you and I can enjoy a pleasant pipe together.
This is NOT an obscene proposition.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
I think I can.
But it would probably be more politic not to.
Among the tobaccos which have disappeared from sight, due to coworker fascism, are several tins of Samuel Gawith – products of a very fine and ancient company, which has brought far more joy to humanity than any number of wheat-germ snarfing health Nazis.
But this of course brings up a question: What kind of pipe tobacco person are you?
I have prepared a little list. Please choose for yourself which product best describes you.
I am keen to know you better.
TOBACCO PERSONALITIES
Samuel Gawith 1792 Flake
A dark pressed steamed Virginia flake aromatized with Tonquin oil. Strong and robust, must be smoked really slowly. [CLICK]
You are a sleek young miss with a very bright smile, round-faced but with sparkling eyes. Your panties (‘bikini briefs’) are probably electric pink. Like many Chinese girls, you like lobster.
Samuel Gawith Balkan Flake
Dark and fragrant, rich with Latakia. This is a luxurious product, which renders down to a fine white ash. [CLICK]
If you smoke this, you probably like flawless English pipes with two-tone staining, along with silken jammies, lace panties, and ruffles in surprising places. Your spectacles help you look more sweet and innocent than you actually are, but evenso you don’t want to upset your parents. They just don’t know about the pipe-tobacco you've got hidden in the giant plush Hello Kitty on your bed.
Samuel Gawith Commonwealth Mixture
Half aged Virginia, half Latakia. A smoky straightforward product. Full-bodied, for the tweed and leather type. Perfect for foggy evenings. [CLICK]
You have thick shoulder-length hair and a high forehead. You read mystery novels, although occasionally you can be found laughing yourself sick over Barbara Cartland romances. You speak Mandarin better than Cantonese, which displeases your aunties no end. Bad girl!
Samuel Gawith Full Virginia Flake
Brown pressed flue-cured tobacco, medium strength. One of the best flakes on the market right now, along with G. L. Pease’s Union Square. A must for all Virginia smokers. [CLICK]
A quiet little miss, demurely dressed. You favour dark skirts and pale blouses, and you look absolutely fabulous(!) wearing pearls - sometimes you wear nothing else. Home cooking is what you prefer – shrimp paste stuffed beancurd, steamed pork with salt fish, cold poached chicken with shredded ginger.
Samuel Gawith Grousemoor
Blonde ribbons made fragrant with an old-fashioned essence first used in snuff. An excellent product, for what it is, though it will not appeal to very many pipe aficionados. This is like smoking history. [CLICK]
You may come to a bad end, OR you’ll publish your first novel before you’re twenty. Either way, there is a depth to you quite out of keeping with your parents and classmates conceptions. You probably also read licentious literature in several languages. You own only one bra – you have given up on the idea of ever growing into it. That’s where you keep the tobacco, the sand-blast Sasieni, and the Comoy.
Samuel Gawith Skiff Mixture
Mild to medium English-Balkan. More Virginias than one would expect. Slightly heretical. The type of mixture that both young persons as well as old grumps can enjoy. [CLICK]
You are most comfortable in blue-jeans and sweaters. Sometimes athletic. You’ve probably got your hair in a ponytail. When you help out at your parents drygoods store you are friendly with all customers, including the old aunties who only speak hometown dialect, and the elderly uncles who call you ‘leng nui’. BBs.
Samuel Gawith Squadron Leader
The classic English-Balkan with a definite Turkish presence. Redolant and stinky, a profoundly satisfying smoke. Guaranteed to offend pretentious dipwads. Damn good stuff. [CLICK]
One of the most sparkling little ladies around, equally comfortable in jeans or skirts. Saucy, but very intelligent and sensible. You have kissable looking lips and you blush easily. Unlike the rest of your family you also like hotsauce with your food, not just that dab of oyster sauce or hoisin. You even like northern dishes!
Samuel Gawith Saint James Flake
Pressed Virginias and Perique. Strong but smooth, pleasantly sweet. This is the classic vaper. Sophisticated without being froofy or ‘la’. A remarkable product, a real smoke. [CLICK]
Not a day goes by that you don’t have a strong cappuccino or espresso. Yes, you are full of beans. If you were old enough to drink, you would favour brandy. You visit your auntie in C'town everyday – she finds your pipe smoking enchanting, because it reminds her of when she still lived in Hong Kong, sneaking out to party at night. Her oldest friend says the fragrance reminds her of a Shanghainese gentleman caller long ago.
Samuel Gawith Westmoreland Mixture
Virginias, Cavendish, and maybe 30% Latakia. Unusual by American standards, but never the less not uncommon across the pond. A pleasant smoke that some others will sneer at, even though there is nothing wrong with the product – it just doesn’t suit them. A few lucky smokers will find this delightful and exactly what the doctor ordered. It is. [CLICK]
Slim and lithe, with top grades in school. Lowell High is proud of you, and Berkeley can’t wait. But you’ll probably end up at Harvard. Underneath your clothes you wear undies trimmed with lace, because it feels good. Your long long hair is always tied in a ponytail. When tourists ask you anything you often pretend not to speak English. Just because.
See? Scope for everyone. And if you run out of tobacco, I can always give you some. Just look for me when you’re lurking near the tobacco store or in an alleyway up from Stockton Street, and you and I can enjoy a pleasant pipe together.
This is NOT an obscene proposition.
TOBACCO INDEX
==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
SMELLING IMPOSSIBLY BUTCH
Earlier a rumour reached me that one or two coworkers may be upset over the fact that they can smell tobacco.
I am the culprit.
See, whenever I go outside to indulge, I cover myself with a foul miasma, an odeur, a reek infernal.
A rugged manly smell. Tobacco.
Personally, I think I smell fine. Kind of old-fashioned, traditional.
When nobody is watching, I sniff deeply of my own fine perfume.
Mmmm. Nice!
It's rather like the delicate fragrance of the alloys that manufacturers used to use for drafting equipment. Something with a high nickel content, which gave the metal a hardness and a sheen. Not like that cheap German crap.
I can also smell ink - the kind of ink that had a slight acidic component. Not the sourness of a gallic acid liquid, nor the oxidized smell that such heavy inks had. More like the ethereal wiff of Namiki (Kabushiki Kaisha Pairotto Koporeshon) intense blue-black - slightly chemical, slightly resinous. Lovely.
Everybody should smell like this.
It's better than Brut. Emmes.
Buckets of real women are falling at my feet, I tell you.
I am the culprit.
See, whenever I go outside to indulge, I cover myself with a foul miasma, an odeur, a reek infernal.
A rugged manly smell. Tobacco.
Personally, I think I smell fine. Kind of old-fashioned, traditional.
When nobody is watching, I sniff deeply of my own fine perfume.
Mmmm. Nice!
It's rather like the delicate fragrance of the alloys that manufacturers used to use for drafting equipment. Something with a high nickel content, which gave the metal a hardness and a sheen. Not like that cheap German crap.
I can also smell ink - the kind of ink that had a slight acidic component. Not the sourness of a gallic acid liquid, nor the oxidized smell that such heavy inks had. More like the ethereal wiff of Namiki (Kabushiki Kaisha Pairotto Koporeshon) intense blue-black - slightly chemical, slightly resinous. Lovely.
Everybody should smell like this.
It's better than Brut. Emmes.
Buckets of real women are falling at my feet, I tell you.
Monday, July 26, 2010
WHINY BITCHES
The local cigar store is converting the lounge area back to actual shop space. And this has peeved the cigar smokers no end. They are livid. They are doleful. They are wounded.
But most of all, they are teenagers. Not real teenagers, you understand, but emotional teenagers.
They feel that that is their treehouse, their space. Why is the world being so cruel to them?
More to the point, why are the owners of the store being so cruel?
For the past week, over a dozen middle-aged men have been monotonously whining.
Oh, the agony and heartache!
SOUR & BITTER GEEZERTUDE
Simply put, guys, it's because you're all a bunch of putzes. Opinionated, juvenile, and, in many cases, staggeringly ignorant. Your collective intelligence is rather horrendously dumber than a load of bricks. It is quite likely that the owners were sick and tired of listening to the same old potty humour, worn out vulgarities, and appreciative wolf-grunts about passing women.
I gave up dropping by the store on Saturdays precisely because your conversations were so predictable. Even back when I still came, I hid in the corner near the back smoking my pipe, far away from your idiotic chatter and your big fat rumps wearing potholes in the comfy chairs near the window.
For the same reason I no longer drop by in the evening.
Individually many of you are rather decent chaps.
As a group, however, you really suck.
Plus you look funny and you eat too much.
So yes, I have no problem with the owners converting it back to a mercantile use, and actually making money from space for which they pay rent.
During the day, when it is time for my smoke break, I will still load up a pipe and saunter over. And as usual, after making my daily purchase, I will lean against the back wall, not saying much, perhaps not saying anything at all.
Just me, a fine piece of briar, and a stinky Oriental blend.
No ribald comments about the racks or dumptrucks of passing women, no drivel about ball games, no ridiculous rightwing comments about Obama.
Get over it, boys.
Take some valium for your shaken nerves, have therapy for the trauma if that is really necessary. And fercrapsakes stop weeping!
Buy a book. Find a girl friend. Get a life.
Grow up.
But most of all, they are teenagers. Not real teenagers, you understand, but emotional teenagers.
They feel that that is their treehouse, their space. Why is the world being so cruel to them?
More to the point, why are the owners of the store being so cruel?
For the past week, over a dozen middle-aged men have been monotonously whining.
Oh, the agony and heartache!
SOUR & BITTER GEEZERTUDE
Simply put, guys, it's because you're all a bunch of putzes. Opinionated, juvenile, and, in many cases, staggeringly ignorant. Your collective intelligence is rather horrendously dumber than a load of bricks. It is quite likely that the owners were sick and tired of listening to the same old potty humour, worn out vulgarities, and appreciative wolf-grunts about passing women.
I gave up dropping by the store on Saturdays precisely because your conversations were so predictable. Even back when I still came, I hid in the corner near the back smoking my pipe, far away from your idiotic chatter and your big fat rumps wearing potholes in the comfy chairs near the window.
For the same reason I no longer drop by in the evening.
Individually many of you are rather decent chaps.
As a group, however, you really suck.
Plus you look funny and you eat too much.
So yes, I have no problem with the owners converting it back to a mercantile use, and actually making money from space for which they pay rent.
During the day, when it is time for my smoke break, I will still load up a pipe and saunter over. And as usual, after making my daily purchase, I will lean against the back wall, not saying much, perhaps not saying anything at all.
Just me, a fine piece of briar, and a stinky Oriental blend.
No ribald comments about the racks or dumptrucks of passing women, no drivel about ball games, no ridiculous rightwing comments about Obama.
Get over it, boys.
Take some valium for your shaken nerves, have therapy for the trauma if that is really necessary. And fercrapsakes stop weeping!
Buy a book. Find a girl friend. Get a life.
Grow up.
Friday, July 23, 2010
HOMOSEXUAL ORTHODOX JEWS
For the last six months a number of Orthodox rabbis and educators have been preparing a statement of principles on the place of our brothers and sisters in our community who have a homosexual orientation.
---From the intro to 'Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community'
The full statement can be read here: SOPOTPOJWAHOIOC!
http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/
There are the usual codicillaries about heterosexual sex, and affirmations that from the point of view of halacha only marriage between a man and a woman provides a legitimate outlet for sexual urges.
What is truly admirable is that they encourage full participation by the homosexual orthodox Jew in the life of the community, and encourage him or her to remain a committed Jew in all other ways possible.
"Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability ... "
"The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect."
Additionally, a person's sexual orientation is none of your damn' business:
"Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden."
I encourage you to read the statement, and to bring it to the attention of friends and family. Especially if there are members of your shul who STILL subscribe to the redder necked attitudes.
=================================================
Please note: for future reference the entire text is also pasted on TOSOTL here: STATEMENT OF PRINCIPLES ON THE PLACE OF JEWS WITH A HOMOSEXUAL ORIENTATION IN OUR COMMUNITY
SOURCE LINKS: http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/ AND http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/2010/07/for-last-six-months-number-of-orthodox.html .
=================================================
---From the intro to 'Statement of Principles on the Place of Jews with a Homosexual Orientation in Our Community'
The full statement can be read here: SOPOTPOJWAHOIOC!
http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/
There are the usual codicillaries about heterosexual sex, and affirmations that from the point of view of halacha only marriage between a man and a woman provides a legitimate outlet for sexual urges.
What is truly admirable is that they encourage full participation by the homosexual orthodox Jew in the life of the community, and encourage him or her to remain a committed Jew in all other ways possible.
"Jews with a homosexual orientation or same sex attraction, even if they engage in same sex interactions, should be encouraged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability. All Jews are challenged to fulfill mitzvot to the best of their ability ... "
"The question of whether sexual orientation is primarily genetic, or rather environmentally generated, is irrelevant to our obligation to treat human beings with same-sex attractions and orientations with dignity and respect."
Additionally, a person's sexual orientation is none of your damn' business:
"Jews struggling to live their lives in accordance with halakhic values need and deserve our support. Accordingly, we believe that the decision as to whether to be open about one's sexual orientation should be left to such individuals, who should consider their own needs and those of the community. We are opposed on ethical and moral grounds to both the “outing” of individuals who want to remain private and to coercing those who desire to be open about their orientation to keep it hidden."
I encourage you to read the statement, and to bring it to the attention of friends and family. Especially if there are members of your shul who STILL subscribe to the redder necked attitudes.
=================================================
Please note: for future reference the entire text is also pasted on TOSOTL here: STATEMENT OF PRINCIPLES ON THE PLACE OF JEWS WITH A HOMOSEXUAL ORIENTATION IN OUR COMMUNITY
SOURCE LINKS: http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/ AND http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/2010/07/for-last-six-months-number-of-orthodox.html .
=================================================
Thursday, July 22, 2010
BURNING DOWN THE ORPHANAGE
The invading soldiers crossed the bridge and entered the forest of Banam Kurong in late afternoon, arriving at the orphanage before dusk. A heated discussion with the abbot of Pr(e)i Wihar turned into a shouting match. When the aged Buddhist monk slapped the commanding officer, all hell broke loose. Within minutes the soldiers were all over the monastery, bludgeoning and hacking the children who had sheltered there since the early years of the war.
When they had finished their slaughter they forced those who could still stumble, both monks and the young, to slop petrol over floors littered with dead and dying, and walls splattered with blood. Then they torched the place. Victims who tried to escape the buildings were machine-gunned. Many were already badly burnt when they were shot.
By late night the last flames died down, leaving charred corpses and collapsed walls. There were only two survivors - a human and a dog.
On a low hill a few miles outside the forest the commanding officer, still smarting at the effrontery of the bonze, gave a speech to his troops. "The children deserved to die. They were given a test - to reject the bourgeois values that bound them to a feudal order and in service to mere monks. They failed that test miserably! Had it been otherwise, they would have risen up and enslaved their masters. We had no choice, they were too corrupt to live."
He was absolutely correct.
Dawn, brutal and bright. Curls of oily smoke still drifted in the dark between the trees.
TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM
Last night, Savage Kitten and I went out to dinner at a local dhabba. It was heavenly - the murgh makhni was buttery and rich, the palak paneer creamy and divinely spiced, the masaladar bhengan textural and garlicky. Especially that last dish was to die for - eggplant chunks of just the right dimension, gepriggelt in ghee, with ginger, methi leaves, fennel, turmeric, coriander, dark toasted cumin. And garlick. Lots of garlic.
Perfect to enfold in fluffy naan, pulled apart with burning fingers.
Toothsome, oleaginous, aromatic.
Plus machli pakora and thick sweet lassi.
We may have eaten just a bit too much. It was extremely good.
By ten o'clock mild twinges of gout made themselves felt. Not bad enough to keep me awake..... and that, you see, was the problem.
Sleep was not quite peaceful repose.
It's strange what your mind does when it dreams - the uncontrolled id takes stimuli and interprets them the easiest way possible, forming images and sensations that are illogical in tandem, but make complete sense by themselves. The result is that you experience events which are unreal, and often unrealistic.
This dream, however, was very real. The images were extremely lucid, the sensations vibrantly painful.
When I woke up I could still smell petrol.
It's been a while since I last dreamt in the Tamarao language.
Savage Kitten also slept badly, and also dreamed of an orphanage. But her dream was far sweeter, albeit equally disturbing - someone had given her teddy bear to an orphanage, and she was determined to get Ms. Bruin back.
Even if she had to burn down the place to do so.
When they had finished their slaughter they forced those who could still stumble, both monks and the young, to slop petrol over floors littered with dead and dying, and walls splattered with blood. Then they torched the place. Victims who tried to escape the buildings were machine-gunned. Many were already badly burnt when they were shot.
By late night the last flames died down, leaving charred corpses and collapsed walls. There were only two survivors - a human and a dog.
On a low hill a few miles outside the forest the commanding officer, still smarting at the effrontery of the bonze, gave a speech to his troops. "The children deserved to die. They were given a test - to reject the bourgeois values that bound them to a feudal order and in service to mere monks. They failed that test miserably! Had it been otherwise, they would have risen up and enslaved their masters. We had no choice, they were too corrupt to live."
He was absolutely correct.
Dawn, brutal and bright. Curls of oily smoke still drifted in the dark between the trees.
TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM
Last night, Savage Kitten and I went out to dinner at a local dhabba. It was heavenly - the murgh makhni was buttery and rich, the palak paneer creamy and divinely spiced, the masaladar bhengan textural and garlicky. Especially that last dish was to die for - eggplant chunks of just the right dimension, gepriggelt in ghee, with ginger, methi leaves, fennel, turmeric, coriander, dark toasted cumin. And garlick. Lots of garlic.
Perfect to enfold in fluffy naan, pulled apart with burning fingers.
Toothsome, oleaginous, aromatic.
Plus machli pakora and thick sweet lassi.
We may have eaten just a bit too much. It was extremely good.
By ten o'clock mild twinges of gout made themselves felt. Not bad enough to keep me awake..... and that, you see, was the problem.
Sleep was not quite peaceful repose.
It's strange what your mind does when it dreams - the uncontrolled id takes stimuli and interprets them the easiest way possible, forming images and sensations that are illogical in tandem, but make complete sense by themselves. The result is that you experience events which are unreal, and often unrealistic.
This dream, however, was very real. The images were extremely lucid, the sensations vibrantly painful.
When I woke up I could still smell petrol.
It's been a while since I last dreamt in the Tamarao language.
Savage Kitten also slept badly, and also dreamed of an orphanage. But her dream was far sweeter, albeit equally disturbing - someone had given her teddy bear to an orphanage, and she was determined to get Ms. Bruin back.
Even if she had to burn down the place to do so.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
APPLY GHEE, RUB VIGOROUSLY
When I still worked at the Indian restaurant I witnessed several food fights. It's an Indian thing.
Food is worth fighting for, over, about.
Or with.
Several years ago, the vile South Indian woman who worked at the restaurant where I was the khazanchi got into a screaming match with the Punjabi headwaiter. Not unusual, except that this time she grabbed a bucket of rice pudding and dumped it over his head in front of a full house.
It was a busy evening - over a hundred and fifty people stared, mesmerized, at what appeared to be a hysterical yeti made out of creamy white goo.
PUDDING
Rice pudding, as everyone knows, is border-line sacramental.
In many parts of India, mothers will leave a bowl of fresh rice pudding out during Sharad Purnima (full moon festival, late September early October) to absorb goodness, which will be eaten for breakfast or as a snack the next day. At temples, the volunteers make it by first putting ghee in the pot, and only then adding the milk, sugar, rice, saffron, and cardamom. Ghee is THE great purifier, which cleanses everything it touches. Even if a lower caste person made the rice pudding, provided ghee was the first thing in the pot it can be eaten by higher castes as prasadam.
If there are important caste-differences, food cooked with lots of ghee is still acceptable.
Though it helps if the cook is a higher caste than the diner.
[A kshatria or a Brahman is by definition higher than a bania, and many Northwestern Indians take it for granted that they outrank Gujaratis and Southerners. Many Gujus, on the other hand, will not readily eat food prepared outside their caste, unless they are desperate for dhokla. It happens.]
Naturally, ghee is also the favourite Indian unguent. Condition your hair with ghee, for that lustrous sheen. Rub it on rough skin, massage it into your aching back, or drench your hot rice with it. Heck, bathe in it, it's that good. And it feels so niiiiiiice! Mmmmm, smoooooth!
You can even rub a leg of lamb vigorously with ghee and slow slow roast it till the meat falls off the bone. Pakwaan, yaar!
ROTI SHOTI
I bring this up, because Savage Kitten has been reading a book set in India. There are terms in it like sabjiwallah (vegetable seller), dhobi-machine (clothes washer), colony (gated community), wheatish complexion, kindly (please), and others not quite clear.
As well as 'greasy chili pakoras', 'sugary laddoo', 'ghee-drenched sweeties', 'tazi chai garma-garm', 'murghi kabab', 'rotli', 'poori', 'murabbat', 'falooda', 'pista barfi', 'pao bhaji', 'tender goat curry', 'chicken cutlet', 'fried ladies fingers', etcetera.
Being anywhere near her while she reads is interesting - she drools.
When she sleeps, I can hear her mumbling things like "just a little more imli, please", and "why yes, a tall glass of tyre WOULD be nice".
She's been really jonesing for Indian food.
So tonight we are going out to dinner.
They have the best naan at a nearby restaurant.
Food is worth fighting for, over, about.
Or with.
Several years ago, the vile South Indian woman who worked at the restaurant where I was the khazanchi got into a screaming match with the Punjabi headwaiter. Not unusual, except that this time she grabbed a bucket of rice pudding and dumped it over his head in front of a full house.
It was a busy evening - over a hundred and fifty people stared, mesmerized, at what appeared to be a hysterical yeti made out of creamy white goo.
PUDDING
Rice pudding, as everyone knows, is border-line sacramental.
In many parts of India, mothers will leave a bowl of fresh rice pudding out during Sharad Purnima (full moon festival, late September early October) to absorb goodness, which will be eaten for breakfast or as a snack the next day. At temples, the volunteers make it by first putting ghee in the pot, and only then adding the milk, sugar, rice, saffron, and cardamom. Ghee is THE great purifier, which cleanses everything it touches. Even if a lower caste person made the rice pudding, provided ghee was the first thing in the pot it can be eaten by higher castes as prasadam.
If there are important caste-differences, food cooked with lots of ghee is still acceptable.
Though it helps if the cook is a higher caste than the diner.
[A kshatria or a Brahman is by definition higher than a bania, and many Northwestern Indians take it for granted that they outrank Gujaratis and Southerners. Many Gujus, on the other hand, will not readily eat food prepared outside their caste, unless they are desperate for dhokla. It happens.]
Naturally, ghee is also the favourite Indian unguent. Condition your hair with ghee, for that lustrous sheen. Rub it on rough skin, massage it into your aching back, or drench your hot rice with it. Heck, bathe in it, it's that good. And it feels so niiiiiiice! Mmmmm, smoooooth!
You can even rub a leg of lamb vigorously with ghee and slow slow roast it till the meat falls off the bone. Pakwaan, yaar!
ROTI SHOTI
I bring this up, because Savage Kitten has been reading a book set in India. There are terms in it like sabjiwallah (vegetable seller), dhobi-machine (clothes washer), colony (gated community), wheatish complexion, kindly (please), and others not quite clear.
As well as 'greasy chili pakoras', 'sugary laddoo', 'ghee-drenched sweeties', 'tazi chai garma-garm', 'murghi kabab', 'rotli', 'poori', 'murabbat', 'falooda', 'pista barfi', 'pao bhaji', 'tender goat curry', 'chicken cutlet', 'fried ladies fingers', etcetera.
Being anywhere near her while she reads is interesting - she drools.
When she sleeps, I can hear her mumbling things like "just a little more imli, please", and "why yes, a tall glass of tyre WOULD be nice".
She's been really jonesing for Indian food.
So tonight we are going out to dinner.
They have the best naan at a nearby restaurant.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
PAEAN FOR THE SOUTH
My significant other, who is referred to on this blog as 'Savage Kitten', often produces odd things. Years ago she posted a flyer for a fictitious restaurant up and down the block where my office was located, advertising 'Round Rhonda's Midnight Eats'. Coming soon! Lard Puffs, Cornmeal Cheese and Bacon Fritters, Creamed Crawdaddy Pockets, Blue Cheese Pulled-Pork Po'Boys, Zesty Cajun Oyster Béchamel Shakes ......
Apparently Round Rhonda intended everyone to die of exploding heart. Something involving mega amounts of bad cholesterol, scarfed down after dark when you were really jonesing.
"Ya, that gooooood! Make you slap yo' mama!"
Many of my coworkers were bitterly disappointed that Round Rhonda's never opened. Engineers are a ravenous lot.
In a similar vein, she recently sent me an advertisement. She wrote it as an msword formatting exercise, but I really wish it were real.
To: Manny O’Hara
From: Scarlett Cohen
Redneck Adventures for Two
Begin your fabulous Redneck Adventures for Two by selecting your choice on the list. The most popular are highlighted in red. These outings have received rave reviews of 4.5 stars or above. A typical review is “God, I never thought people lived that way!!!”
Major categories of adventures include culinary, fashion, cultural and entertainment. Culinary adventures explore not only what types of critters are eaten, but how they are cooked to perfection, using natural resources within the region. 4 out of 5 of the Culinary adventures rank as Most Popular Adventures, prompting participants to say Thems Plumb Good Eatin’! Folks done said Thems Plumb Good Eatin'! so darn often that we now offer a package of those particular adventures at a discounted rate. The Thems Plumb Good Eatin'! package makes a wonderful birthday present for the persnickety. Truly, will a loved one be “surprised!” when chowing down on possum puddin’ cake.
As for our other adventures…fashion adventures make you rethink, for example, the versatility of printed flour sacks for unisex everyday wear. Cultural introduces you to music and handicrafts. Entertainment can embrace everything from shotguns to weddings. (Shotguns can include blunderbusses and other explosive weaponry, some handmade as shown in the Cultural Adventures.)
So if you’re feeling the ennui of “dang, but I’m soooooooooo bored with piss elegant livin’!!!” then my wussy friend, Redneck Adventures for Two will put some spark in your step again.
It’s our promise, dagnabbit, that you’ll come thru your adventure rethinking the meaning of life.
ADVENTURES REVIEWS
Culinary: 4.78
Fashion: 3.99
Cultural: 0.98
Entertainment: 4.09
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently Round Rhonda intended everyone to die of exploding heart. Something involving mega amounts of bad cholesterol, scarfed down after dark when you were really jonesing.
"Ya, that gooooood! Make you slap yo' mama!"
Many of my coworkers were bitterly disappointed that Round Rhonda's never opened. Engineers are a ravenous lot.
In a similar vein, she recently sent me an advertisement. She wrote it as an msword formatting exercise, but I really wish it were real.
To: Manny O’Hara
From: Scarlett Cohen
Redneck Adventures for Two
Begin your fabulous Redneck Adventures for Two by selecting your choice on the list. The most popular are highlighted in red. These outings have received rave reviews of 4.5 stars or above. A typical review is “God, I never thought people lived that way!!!”
Major categories of adventures include culinary, fashion, cultural and entertainment. Culinary adventures explore not only what types of critters are eaten, but how they are cooked to perfection, using natural resources within the region. 4 out of 5 of the Culinary adventures rank as Most Popular Adventures, prompting participants to say Thems Plumb Good Eatin’! Folks done said Thems Plumb Good Eatin'! so darn often that we now offer a package of those particular adventures at a discounted rate. The Thems Plumb Good Eatin'! package makes a wonderful birthday present for the persnickety. Truly, will a loved one be “surprised!” when chowing down on possum puddin’ cake.
As for our other adventures…fashion adventures make you rethink, for example, the versatility of printed flour sacks for unisex everyday wear. Cultural introduces you to music and handicrafts. Entertainment can embrace everything from shotguns to weddings. (Shotguns can include blunderbusses and other explosive weaponry, some handmade as shown in the Cultural Adventures.)
So if you’re feeling the ennui of “dang, but I’m soooooooooo bored with piss elegant livin’!!!” then my wussy friend, Redneck Adventures for Two will put some spark in your step again.
It’s our promise, dagnabbit, that you’ll come thru your adventure rethinking the meaning of life.
ADVENTURES REVIEWS
Culinary: 4.78
Fashion: 3.99
Cultural: 0.98
Entertainment: 4.09
-----------------------------------------------------------------
AFTERWORD
I don't know about you, but I'm all excited.
I don't know about you, but I'm all excited.
Stuff like this makes you realize how dull life normally is. Especially if, like Savage Kitten, you are a small Cantonese-American female with a burning yearning for new and interesting things to eat.
I wonder what's for dinner tonight.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Please note: We aren't really called Manny O'Hara and Scarlett Cohen. But in her world, we could be. Feel free to address us by those names.
Monday, July 19, 2010
THE YOUNG AND THE FECKLESS
Such a noisy bunch. They are banging around like a herd of buffalo, crashing into things, and emitting strange noises.
I am of course talking about the people mentioned in my previous post – now into day five of their departmental move. With as little progress to report as last week.
OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT
The brutal reek of industrial cleaning liquid comes wafting over from their new home - they must be using buckets of it. One of them is swearing, and there are the dulcet sounds of gagging - but they will disinfect if it is the last thing they do, even if it poisons the entire company.
On my way past I saw more desks in their area than there are people in their entire department. They have imperialistically occupied part of the common hallway, and blocked off the back of their area to prevent walk throughs.
I already mentioned that the Accounting Department completed its move in less than half a day, didn’t I? There are more of us, and we have more stuff.
[In addition to our files and boxes of papers, we also have an armadillo. A singing bunny rabbit. A dancing robot dressed like a member of Bay Area Women in Black. A wide-eyed plastic duck, a wooden monkey, and a giant rubber lizard. A flock of noisy penguins. Things that go 'beep'. Several miniature porcupines, doggies, squirels, and assorted homunculi. Many tins of pipe-tobacco, plus a furry troll, a freak in a glass jar filled with brownish fluid, and a dissipated looking Mickey Mouse. ]
But we moved in mere hours, our brisk and businesslike efficiency proving that we are trained professionals. With quiet determination we went about our task, no disinfectant, no bleach, no swearing.
No thumping or frantic wails.
No territorial ambitions about the hallway.
A Chinese-American woman with a fluffy black horsy is sitting across from me. She is unperturbed by the smoke and thunder emanating from the sterilized zone. Even if they break out in war chants, she will calmly continue her labours.
Unlike me, the howling of the hairy savages does not disturb her in the slightest.
I am in awe of her composure.
Good lord, something just crashed into the wall right behind me. Are they throwing furniture? It's going to be a long week. Our new neighbors have rabies.
More than ever, I am convinced that my department is far too normal.
I am of course talking about the people mentioned in my previous post – now into day five of their departmental move. With as little progress to report as last week.
OPERATIONS DEPARTMENT
The brutal reek of industrial cleaning liquid comes wafting over from their new home - they must be using buckets of it. One of them is swearing, and there are the dulcet sounds of gagging - but they will disinfect if it is the last thing they do, even if it poisons the entire company.
On my way past I saw more desks in their area than there are people in their entire department. They have imperialistically occupied part of the common hallway, and blocked off the back of their area to prevent walk throughs.
I already mentioned that the Accounting Department completed its move in less than half a day, didn’t I? There are more of us, and we have more stuff.
[In addition to our files and boxes of papers, we also have an armadillo. A singing bunny rabbit. A dancing robot dressed like a member of Bay Area Women in Black. A wide-eyed plastic duck, a wooden monkey, and a giant rubber lizard. A flock of noisy penguins. Things that go 'beep'. Several miniature porcupines, doggies, squirels, and assorted homunculi. Many tins of pipe-tobacco, plus a furry troll, a freak in a glass jar filled with brownish fluid, and a dissipated looking Mickey Mouse. ]
But we moved in mere hours, our brisk and businesslike efficiency proving that we are trained professionals. With quiet determination we went about our task, no disinfectant, no bleach, no swearing.
No thumping or frantic wails.
No territorial ambitions about the hallway.
A Chinese-American woman with a fluffy black horsy is sitting across from me. She is unperturbed by the smoke and thunder emanating from the sterilized zone. Even if they break out in war chants, she will calmly continue her labours.
Unlike me, the howling of the hairy savages does not disturb her in the slightest.
I am in awe of her composure.
Good lord, something just crashed into the wall right behind me. Are they throwing furniture? It's going to be a long week. Our new neighbors have rabies.
More than ever, I am convinced that my department is far too normal.
Friday, July 16, 2010
WHY ARE WE BEING PUNISHED?
There have been some departmental relocations in the company of late, a shifting of people and desks.
[Why are we doing this? Well, at the end of the day, the synergies we are trying to leverage and shifting paradigms we are hoping to target should allow us to raise the bar, think outside the box and drill down to our core competencies. Or something like that. Kler, nu?]
The Accounting Department completed its move in record speed – we shifted entire in one morning, and had ensconced ourselves in our new digs well before lunch. We’re now very comfy thank you, our files stowed safely, our tchatchkes all positioned, pipes, books and wooden monkey placed just so, the stuffed armadillo regally overlooking the ebb and flow of traffic down the centre aisle and guarding our labours.
The Sales Department, also due to move, did so only when they realized that we had made them look bad. They grumbled, and smashed things in their fury. But they moved. It took them two days longer than Accounting, despite their move being absolutely the shortest in the company (Accounting’s move was the furthest).
They had more action figures that needed to be arranged for maximum effect, you see.
The Operations department, however, is balking. They do NOT wish to move. At all.
It will put them too far away from the head. And the kitchen. And the water supply. Darnit, they LIKE their space! They’ve got cupcakes and a refrigerator there! Its home! And besides, they are way too busy, what with having to……. Say, what do those guys do anyhow?
It would take very little time for them to move – just load stuff from their desks into boxes, and carry it down the hall, dump it on the new desks. Wheel in the chairs. Arrange their tins of tea, canisters of chocolate, jars of coffee, boxes of bonbons and other kibble, plus cups, saucers, cake stands, fancy trays, and other oh so essential Operations supplies in the appropriate and commodious storage devices already provided.
Nope.
Bitch bitch bitch. Bellyache, whine, kvetch, shrey, wail, and grumble. Postpone, delay, find excuses. The previous occupants left that section a mess! They didn’t finish moving their cheap shmatte out! There are scuff marks! Empty binders! Harsh lighting! It just isn’t right! Woe!
Yesterday one of them disinfected her new digs with bleach, stinking out the entire floor. Following which she hammered and banged things around for three hours. She vocally gnashed her teeth the while – I know, because my desk is within hearing distance (next section over).
Then the entire Ops department decided not to move until next week. Late next week.
Yes, I am looking forward to it. Honest I am.
It won't be so quiet here when they're finally in place.
[Why are we doing this? Well, at the end of the day, the synergies we are trying to leverage and shifting paradigms we are hoping to target should allow us to raise the bar, think outside the box and drill down to our core competencies. Or something like that. Kler, nu?]
The Accounting Department completed its move in record speed – we shifted entire in one morning, and had ensconced ourselves in our new digs well before lunch. We’re now very comfy thank you, our files stowed safely, our tchatchkes all positioned, pipes, books and wooden monkey placed just so, the stuffed armadillo regally overlooking the ebb and flow of traffic down the centre aisle and guarding our labours.
The Sales Department, also due to move, did so only when they realized that we had made them look bad. They grumbled, and smashed things in their fury. But they moved. It took them two days longer than Accounting, despite their move being absolutely the shortest in the company (Accounting’s move was the furthest).
They had more action figures that needed to be arranged for maximum effect, you see.
The Operations department, however, is balking. They do NOT wish to move. At all.
It will put them too far away from the head. And the kitchen. And the water supply. Darnit, they LIKE their space! They’ve got cupcakes and a refrigerator there! Its home! And besides, they are way too busy, what with having to……. Say, what do those guys do anyhow?
It would take very little time for them to move – just load stuff from their desks into boxes, and carry it down the hall, dump it on the new desks. Wheel in the chairs. Arrange their tins of tea, canisters of chocolate, jars of coffee, boxes of bonbons and other kibble, plus cups, saucers, cake stands, fancy trays, and other oh so essential Operations supplies in the appropriate and commodious storage devices already provided.
Nope.
Bitch bitch bitch. Bellyache, whine, kvetch, shrey, wail, and grumble. Postpone, delay, find excuses. The previous occupants left that section a mess! They didn’t finish moving their cheap shmatte out! There are scuff marks! Empty binders! Harsh lighting! It just isn’t right! Woe!
Yesterday one of them disinfected her new digs with bleach, stinking out the entire floor. Following which she hammered and banged things around for three hours. She vocally gnashed her teeth the while – I know, because my desk is within hearing distance (next section over).
Then the entire Ops department decided not to move until next week. Late next week.
Yes, I am looking forward to it. Honest I am.
It won't be so quiet here when they're finally in place.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
DON'T TINKLE HERE!
These are hard times. Sacrifices must be made. We're all well aware of that.
Notification received from our office manager:
"The first floor restrooms are now locked due to homeless coming in and using them. Since many of us also use these facilities I have requested keys (2 sets of each).
Please let me know if you have any other questions."
Oh good. What you really mean is that building security wasn't capable of telling worker bees and hobos apart.
How..... reassuring.
Actually, I shouldn't be so snippy. There are some right freaks in this neck of the woods, and many of them are gainfully employed. Perhaps other tenants just got too paranoid. Strange people flushing toilets? Yes, that's a profound cause for worry.
It must be those folks in the law-offices and investment houses on the lower floors. They look askance at the eccentrics who populate the upper elevations - many of us wear tie-dye tee shirts and rubber sandals, and good heavens, there's a large number of Indians on some floors! You know, those people! They talk computerese!
Engineers, freight expediters, book keepers, IT-wallahs, and archivists.
Faugh!
Things like these disturb nice middle-class suburbanites; such stuff is precisely what they don't like about the city.
Funky clothing. Foreigners and accents. People going to the bathroom.
It's all so very very very non-white.
What IS this world coming to?
It is time to retreat to the hills and guard the potty. Buy a gun. Put barbed-wire around your children, and scream at people. Do not let strangers poo!
In other news, slide rules and quills are no longer available at the local stationers.
Nor vellum either.
Notification received from our office manager:
"The first floor restrooms are now locked due to homeless coming in and using them. Since many of us also use these facilities I have requested keys (2 sets of each).
Please let me know if you have any other questions."
Oh good. What you really mean is that building security wasn't capable of telling worker bees and hobos apart.
How..... reassuring.
Actually, I shouldn't be so snippy. There are some right freaks in this neck of the woods, and many of them are gainfully employed. Perhaps other tenants just got too paranoid. Strange people flushing toilets? Yes, that's a profound cause for worry.
It must be those folks in the law-offices and investment houses on the lower floors. They look askance at the eccentrics who populate the upper elevations - many of us wear tie-dye tee shirts and rubber sandals, and good heavens, there's a large number of Indians on some floors! You know, those people! They talk computerese!
Engineers, freight expediters, book keepers, IT-wallahs, and archivists.
Faugh!
Things like these disturb nice middle-class suburbanites; such stuff is precisely what they don't like about the city.
Funky clothing. Foreigners and accents. People going to the bathroom.
It's all so very very very non-white.
What IS this world coming to?
It is time to retreat to the hills and guard the potty. Buy a gun. Put barbed-wire around your children, and scream at people. Do not let strangers poo!
In other news, slide rules and quills are no longer available at the local stationers.
Nor vellum either.
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