THOUGHTS OUTSIDE A BOX

You may have heard that I loathe tourists. In this I am unimaginative, and very European. The Spanish loathe tourists. So do the Italians. The French are notorious, as are the Dutch, English, Germans, and Scandinavians. The bus filled up with tourists in Sausalito yesterday evening, on the way back to the city. Loudly speaking French, German, Italian, and Spanish. In addition to Swedish Chef gabble. And something ghastly sounding from London, Manchester, or Aussielandish.

On the other hand, I rather like mainland Chinese. Knowing full well that this isn't Shanghai or Shenyang, and that little useful information can be gathered from the natives, they've all usually done their research, looked up how to identify and pay for transportation, and very likely even watched videos of useful things like that. "Here's Auntie Sung paying the fare on the bus back from Sausalito. Notice how she has a little blue icon on her screen? She holds it in front of the scanning device till it makes a musical note, and will tap off when she exits, so that the transportation agency driver won't shout incomprehesibly at her at the end of the ride". And, being excellent students, they've learned well, and don't repetitiously ask stupid questions in the hope that the driver will miraculously understand them if they get louder.

So naturally, when my stop was next, I politely excused myself in Cantonese to the Mandarin speaker who had sat down next to me, said 'mi scusi' to the Swedish couple standing in the way, a firm "entschuldigen sie doch" to the French speakers blocking the aisle, and "provolox dibassa" to the Spaniards. No need to use the correct language, as it all sounds like English to them anyway. Dang American!

There are many European towns that never get tourists, because the name of the place is unpronounceable to anyone but the natives and nobody famous ever cut off his ear there. Maybe they're jealous that they will never have to fight daily for the tightly doled out dollars, piasters, rials, and ringgits grudgingly released by tightwad tourists, but no one will ever know. I myself have never been there. But I might at some point. After studying the local argot for several months beforehand, and watching a video of Auntie Sung getting on the bus without unleasing torrents of abuse from the angry savage driving it. As well as researching when the weather will be perfect to not piss me off.

And I will remember to politely say "provolox dibassa" to anyone whom I regretfully might inconvenience. In an indoor tone. As civilized people do, because it's only proper.


Crucially, I will find out whether there is edible pizza and Chinese food there. Because one cannot live on European muck alone, sometime one needs a real meal.



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