PEACEFUL CUSTOMS

Today is the day that we celebrate how peaceful the natives were, many of them peacefully raping, enslaving, torturing, and pillaging their neighbors, or like the very peaceful Aztecs and other Meso-Americans, peacefully sacrificing people by the cartload to the sun god, until the peaceful civilized Europeans came here, and misguided by Christopher Columbus turned into rabid war-like Yankees and promptly went berserk for five centuries or something.

Before that, everybody here was a non-alcoholic vegan communing with nature.
Also, there was no disease, and both sage and ganja were free.
And there was spiritualism, with crystals.

Hail, Gaia!

Yep. The Europeans actually had nothing to do with it. The perpetrators were all Anglos, as you would expect, and the modern world looks askance at that type, regretting that they escaped and weren't all killed to protect civilization. It's been downhill ever since.

As a result the natives got slaughtered by syphilitic Americans, and we got tobacco. Which seems like a fair trade to me. Besides, we New Netherlanders bought the entire shebang for twenty two dollars worth of trinkets anyway, so what are all of you hosebags doing here?
It's all ours, g'wan piss off. And quitcher bellyaching.

Bunch of melodramatic wankers.

Christopher Columbus, as is well-known, invented the hamburger. Which is best consumed with French fries and a milk shake. An all-American meal that makes the Europeans weep with envy. And there is no vegan version.

I lament the disappearance of greasy spoons, lunch counters, and actual decent sit-down restaurants where burgers were available. They used to be everywhere. Sadly, the world has changed. Instead of buxom rosy waitresses there are now sallow art school graduates and theatre majors talking dispiritedly about the specials of the day, which always seem to involve baby vegetables and artisanal something. Really unique. Our chef has spent ages perfecting her craft on a freezing mountain top in Paris, Barcelona, Milan, or Tokyo. And we recycle more sincerely than our competitors! We've tasked a charity run by Berkeley orb-weavers to carefully sift through our discards and refuse for each category of waste, and part of the proceeds go to an Amazonian tribe which makes musical instruments!

I've strayed somewhat from whatever point I was trying to make, alas. But you can blame Christopher Columbus for that. As well as a diet rich in fatty meats.


Happy savage-spread-of-Christianity day.



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