THE SHORTBREAD STRATAGEM

Positively the worst phrase to utter lasciviously at a stranger of almost any type may very well be "I wish to lick the crumbs off your bare midriff". Using your Bela Lugosi voice only detracts slightly from the total creepiness. It is, however, excellent for saying to Indian phone centre drooges when you have a mouth full of shortbread and they call you up out of the blue desirous of scamming you. Over the past several years I have gotten sick of Indian accents, because over ninety percent of the time it's a telephone criminal trying his luck at defrauding the stupid white people. And normally I simply pick up in Cantonese.
Good luck with that, stupid aparadhi.

This came to mind, and was immediately put into practise, because my friend Neil makes fabulous shortbread. Of which I was eating some (yes, there still is a supply a week later) when the subcontinental electronic bottomfeeder called me up.


And while the idea of licking shortbread crumbs off the bare midriff of an attractive member of the opposite gender has a certain playful charm, proposing that might get me into trouble.

That's just a guess. Won't test the fates on that one.

Neil would probably be upset if his shortbread necessitated bail money.

Besides, it's far too early in the day to think of disturbing random women.



For your information, saying "I wish to lick the crumbs off your bare midriff" in Cantonese makes very little sense, does not contain the appropriate skeevy frisson, and sounds both clinical and quite staggeringly deranged in Cantonese. 我想舔走你裸露嘅中腹嘅碎屑 ('ngo seung tim jau nei lo lou ge jung fuk ge seui sit') suggests strongly that you have a need to clear debris off her mid-stomach. And things would have to be pretty far advanced before the manner in which you propose to do that makes even contextually any sense at all.

"How did you two meet?"
"He proposed clearing my debris. So I hit him with a baseball bat."
"Oh, so romantic (嘩，噉浪漫 'waa, gam long maan')!"

The proper woman, naturally, has a baseball bat in her purse.
One must be prepared for any eventualities.
Stands to reason.



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