Friday, December 07, 2012


According to the Mayan Long Count Calendar, as interpreted by many people whose words we take for revealed truth, the deity Bolon Yokte will collide with a dark mysterious planetoid called Niburu sometime this month, ushering in a seven year period of tribulation, and, it must be assumed, a very great itch.
Good people will be tormented by zombies.
The flesh-eating undead.

Given what the average diet is supposed to be after the cataclysm, better get all your junk food in now. Including the deep-fried stuff.
Unless you like brain-fritters, in which case you have nothing to worry about. At least for the first few days. A steady diet of brain fritter might pall after a while.
And lead to acid reflux. At the very least, you'll want some salt.
And perhaps a bit of hot sauce.

"Brain fritter, again! Dagnabbit!!
Got any horseradish!!??"

"Anybody still have a can of Spam?"

See, that's what the Christians mean by 'great tribulation'. A complete absence of Spam. Or any other pork-shoulder product.

They'll also need some salt and hot sauce.

Personally, I am not worried in the slightest. I figure I'll make out like a bandit, given that I have bucket-loads of hot sauce stashed in my apartment. It will be in premium demand after the end-times, and I intend to charge profiteering prices.
Which will go up astronomically as my supply diminishes.
I also have two boxes of salt.
Morton's Kosher Salt.
They'll cost you!

Please don't worry, some of the obscene profits will go to a very good cause: Missions for the Eternal Salvation of Zombies.
I figure given their poor remaining brain-power, they'll make EXCELLENT followers of Christ, all deeply religious and spiritual and sh*t. They'll also be perfect for slave labour on my vast banana plantations, where they'll raise food for the galactic Jesus-monkeys who will repopulate the earth.

Some believers have suggested that it is best to kill oneself, one's children, and one's pets BEFORE it happens. These people are defeatists, who refuse to acknowledge the greatness, glory, and inevitability, of working in my vast banana slave plantations. However, accepting that some of them are stubborn as all git-out, it is recommended that they start with themselves, saving their children and pets for later.
That way at least there will be FLUFFY animals to play with.
The galactic Jesus-monkeys are sure to appreciate that.
Cats make GREAT zombie overseers, by the way.

Not quite sure how the children fit in. Perhaps cat food?
Those felines will get might testy if ALL they get to eat is zombie-brain fritters.
No salt. No hot sauce. No pork-shoulder by-product.
Quite the tribulation!

Are there any questions?

Please note: no cats or other sentient beings were harmed in the writing of this post.

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All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are a nut.

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