Monday, October 31, 2011


If little children dress up like the kind of people they would want to be - cowboys, little princesses, Superman or Spidy, skeletons, fairies - and adults dress like sex gargoyles and zombies - or decomposing dead sluts - what do animals dress up like?

I suspect that somewhere in my neighborhood, a raccoon is dressed up like a lump of tofu.
Nice, innocent, totally safe tofu. You'll never suspect a thing.

"Hey Martha, a giant piece of tofu is raiding our garbage can!"
'Harold, you're imagining things!'
"No, I'm not! I can see it! Now the tofu is brutalizing the cat!"
'Have you been at the medicinal grade marijuana AGAIN?!?'

And so Harold subsides, grumbling, with his pot pipe, comforting himself with little stinky clouds of joy.

It isn't till the cat comes stumbling in, looking blissfully the worse for wear, with a silly grin all over its face, that Martha finally realizes that something went on in the back yard.

Say, what gender is that cat anyway?

It doesn't matter. Tofu is bisexual.

Especially here in San Francisco.

We do not judge anyone.

Just beware of chunks of wandering tofu, especially on Halloween. They're likely to be oversexed and violent. Personally, I always look askance at hunks of beancurd crossing my path, especially if they leer knowingly.
Ambulatory tofu is almost always pure EVIL.
Possibly you can bribe them with candy.
But your pussy will be quite pissed.
Tofu is smooth, and so silken.
And totally safe sex, too.
Your cat values that.
Modern age love.
Howl now.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:

All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


shank said...

ahhhh....the sexy beige menace....

Anonymous said...

This post is quite likely the most degenerate thing that you have ever written.

The back of the hill said...

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty well sure you've written much more degenerate items.

The back of the hill said...

You are likely to be disappointed. I am an altogether clean-minded fellow.

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