Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Gesticulating with a bunch of shrubbery marks the true believer from the absolute kofer, the apikoros, and the mechutzif.
There is ONLY ONE correct way of vibrating.
And you had better leave green crap all over the floor of your shtibl, or you're doing it wrong.

The differences qua minhag:

ESWNUD: Per the Mechaber, the Rama, the Taz, one shakes east, south, west, north, up, down (clockwise: al derech yemin), which is Ashkenaz, Sefarad, and Mizrahi.

SNEUDW: Chassidim follow the Ari, as cited by the Mogen Avrohom, who paskenned south, north, east, up, down, west.

ESNUDW: The Levush preferred east, south, north, up, down, west.

ENSWUD: The Ba'al HaTurim preferred east, north, south, west, up, down.

NSEWUD: And Rashi preferred north, south, east, west, up down.

It is up to you to figure out which of these is the only true and correct tradition.
If you cannot, you are undoubtedly a kofer, an apikoros, and a mechutzif.
And boy, will your mother-in-law have something to say about that.

"We must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"
-----Kodos, one of the two aliens on the Simpsons.

According to heilige ancestral minhag, handed down ever since the Springfelder and rebbe Homer ben Avraham Simpson (reputedly a direct descendent of Harav Elisha ben Abuya) started their weekly shiurim, we follow Harav Kodos on this one.

Forward, not backward: because there must be progress.
Upward, not forward: as it says 'kol be yedei shomayim'.
Always: eternally; because of the Eternal One, blessed be He.
Twirling, twirling, twirling: with joy and kavanah combined.
Towards freedom: steadfastly concentrating on the objective, as Rebbe Nachman teaches, and also as a zeicher of the yetzias mitzraim.

Everything davka like that tarnegol a few days ago.
Ve ha maiven yaiven.

As for the esrog, we're somewhat baffled. It's a rather pointless addition.
What? Lemonade? Squeeze it over the Friday fish?
If the first, say borei pri ha eitz.
If the latter, shehakol.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


Ari said...

Nice drasha! 'Shkoyach.

Roger. Roger the Shrubber said...

Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.

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