Monday, August 11, 2008

CHANGE OF PACE - ONE SLUTTY LITTLE VIRGINIA

Sometimes, instead of the zesty Oriental, your eye falls on a perky brunette.
It's only natural, all men flirt with strange girls - at least, that is what I tell myself.

The sweet young thing in question, however, has the weirdest taste in perfume. I thought she was supposed to smell of single malt, but for the life of me I cannot figure out what that reek is. It ain't whiskey. Or at least not whiskey alone. Perhaps after rolling in the whiskey she drenched herself with eau de teenage slut so her parents won't notice the liquor.

I am talking about a flavoured pipe tobacco, of course.


FOUNDERS RESERVE
Blended at THE MALTHOUSE Tobacco Manufactory
Aged 12 Weeks
Blended, matured, and packaged in the E.E.C. by Dan Tobacco Manufacturing Ltd.


The tobacco consists of broken flakes and shreds of a pleasing mottled appearance that break and crimp nicely for the pipe. Lights fairly easily, and smokes down coolly and cleanly to a fine white ash. The taste is mild, sweet, not particularly exciting. The strange fragrance does not stick in the pipe. Like all Virginias, and particularly the eccentrically aromatized flakes that Dan Tobacco produces, it is at its best puffed slowly - so slowly that instead of savouring the flavour, one might almost forget that one is smoking.

It is a pleasing smoke, but not a memorable one - except for that smell....... No one in their right nose would identify it as "an outstanding blend of sweet Virginia that is infused with Scottish Single Malt Whisky".



I normally don't care much for perfumed tarts.

When I first opened the tin several weeks ago, I thought it smelled of molasses mixed with rotting autumn apples - there was a sweet and over the top pong, you see.
Now that it is a little dryer and the cake essences have evanesced, it is more reminiscent of dense plum pudding - one made with an excess of dry fruits and rum.
Despite the dark brown fruity image, the taste is remarkably light. Almost refreshing. And biteless.
A decent thoughtless tobacco which will not unduly upset the angry women in one's vicinity.


Last night, while smoking this tobacco at the Cinch, a very striking lesbian told me how much I reminded her of her father - he also smoked a pipe, and his tobacco was very similar to mine. She wished her girlfriend would take up the habit. Indeed, pipesmoking, and pipesmokers, were all very fine by her.
That, as much as anything else, qualifies as an endorsement.




TOBACCO INDEX


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15 comments:

Anonymous said...

You have really got to stop suggesting that tobacco is the immoral equivalent of sex. It is most disturbing to expect something perverted, and to then be pulled up short by a perfectly ordinary smoke rant.


Lev

Anonymous said...

All tobacco is sexual. All sexuality is smnoke. Face it.


---Grant Patel

Spiros said...

How does one pronounce "smnoke"?
Is it "Smm-no-KAY"? Sounds a bit like a combination of "smoke" and "nookie".

Anonymous said...

Smew-key.

A pipe is a sexual organ. But a very innocent one. Rather like the heaving bosom of a young lady. A pleasingly familiar touchy-feely, in other words.


---Grant Patel

Spiros said...

You were struck by a lesbian at the Cinch?

The back of the hill said...

Indeed I was. Please imagine what was at eye level for a seated pipe-smoker.

Yum.

The back of the hill said...

Rather like the heaving bosom of a young lady. A pleasingly familiar touchy-feely ...

And it would've been nice to touchy feely. Touchy feely is a sporting event. But I contented myself with looky thinky.

Spiros said...

So what struck you where?

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, breasts like ripe mangoes, yes?


MmmmmmMmMmmmmmMMmMmmmMm!!!!



---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

What's this about "slutty virgins"?

Anonymous said...

What's this about "slutty virgins"?

The back of the hill said...

All Virgins are slutty. It takes someone who truly knows to act perfectly innocent. Just look at the teenagers on the bus.

===========================
Postscript to the post:

The Balkan Sobranie mixture began an obsession with Oriental mixtures which I have had ever since. Balkan Sobranie was, for a frustrated teenager in Holland, the answer to nearly everything. Which, judging by the huge amount of Balkan Sobranie related posts, and Balkan Sobranie imitations, may not have been unusual. Apparently many people love Orientals.

Anonymous said...

Also, "oriental" is not the prefered nomenclature..."asian", dude.

Anonymous said...

I hit the ball, first time...and there it was, in the back of the net!

Correction needed said...

"looky kinky"

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