Friday, July 25, 2008

THEY MUST NOT READ MY BLOG

On a daily basis I receive a fairly large amount of spam e-mail. On the basis of which I can understand what the spambrains think of me. Or at least what they fondly imagine that I am.



PROFILE

I am a short middle-aged bald person with a tiny penis and mediocre breasts, who is passionately interested in Britney Spears naked and the sex-lives of female celebritities. I need more fake watches, university degrees, and designer handbags. Plus excercise equipement, diet pills, and a tummy tuck.

And I want money desperately - hence the lottery e-mails from Europe and bank-account queries from Africa. As well as the circulars telling me to buy this stock now now now before Wall Street discovers it.

Lonely girls in Russia wish to share their vacation photos (I think that's what those are) with me, and I must learn one foreign language right now while I sleep - probably so that I can communicate with my insta-girlfriend in ANY city in the continental United States.

Quite the portrait, eh?



JEEBUS

Oh, and apparently I am a Christian. This according to Amazon, who cannot figure out that someone who buys Toratot (well, chumeshim), commentaries, and biographies of rabbis, as well as much stuff about the Talmud, may, probably, with a certain degree of likelihood, not be passionately committed to the best Christian fiction of 2008.

Echt. And b'emmes.

I am in gonzen not interested in reading about the first tentative married steps of a shy young virgin with Jesus in her heart. The uplift, the end of days, and the mark of the beast are not major themes I look for in romance fiction. Feeling sadness for those who are left behind in massive car-crashes on the freeway, after the heavens rain fire and blood, is not an emotion that figures heavily in my appreciation of paperback novels.
In fact, unlike you I could probably go for weeks without needing the words Christ, sin, Eden, rapture, salvation, Revelations, and The Damned. Normally they do not figure prominently in my vocabulary.


The only prolonged conversation I've had in recent years about Jesus was when I explained to a coworker that Torah study with a friend did not, would not, and never had, involved her dear lord in any way imaginable. Jesus and Torah study do not go hand in hand. They are in fact more or less mutually exclusive. This surprised her, and she barely spoke to me for at least the next two years. I believe she still wonders when I'll burst into flames.

It is a darned good thing that the coworker in question does not read my blog. She might take to wearing garlic and silver if she did.



READ THIS NOW

If many people had read my blog, it would have saved them much time and effort.
Hundreds of people in west-Africa might have realized that all the heartfelt missives they sent me over the years have fallen on deaf eyes. I am not their target audience.
The lonely Russian girls would know that I am only interested if they are petite, have dark hair, and blush prettily.
Amazon would cease telling me about wholesome Protestant novellas.
Various people in major European cities would know that I do not gamble, and have not played any games of chance outside of California.
The sellers of herbal supplements, breast enhancers, and three inch augmentifiers would appreciate that I am an enormous hairy manly man built like a rampaging stallion, and the Christians would grasp the utter nonsense of their ideology.


If you have sent me any of the spam mentioned above, please stop.
I do not need it.


I am only interested in panties, wombats, blushing schoolgirls, and elderly rabbis. Whether you want to sell these to me, or merely show me zesty pictures, is up to you.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am a short middle-aged bald person with a tiny penis and mediocre breasts

And remarkably, I am ready to believe you.


Lev

Anonymous said...

It would explain much.


Lev

Spiros said...

CUE THE VIKINGS!!!

Spam spam spam spam
Spam spam spam spam...

Anonymous said...

A dee spam, dee spam dee spam.

I hate spam.

I'll have some rat-tart instead.

Anonymous said...

And by rat-tart, I do not mean lonely Russian girl.

Rat, skinned and boned, in a gelatinous gravy, in a pie-shell. Sort of a steak and kidney pie without steak and kidney.

Comes in two kinds: one with, one without mushrooms.

The Australians make it with wombat.

Anonymous said...

Compleat goobus writing. Stop. Dammed foll.

Tzipporah said...

The petite Asian schoolgril blushed prettily when she realized the wombat had made off with her panties... what would she do, with an elderly rabbi about to arrive for Torah study (which, under no circumstances, would involve Jeebus).

The back of the hill said...

My heavens. What a fetching conceit. I just love the series of mental images this conjures up. Yet for some reason, the only way I can picture the wombat is as a muppet. Perhaps Gonzo, or one of the dancing shrimp from the Swedish Chef episode. Maybe a cousin of the Cookie Monster.

I also have to wonder how a manga illustrator would do an elderly rabbi....... spectacles, shtreimel, and super-dude outfit?

Anonymous said...

I am only interested in panties, wombats, blushing schoolgirls, and elderly rabbis.

And medicated foot-powder. Let me quote from your Henry Darger post, "teenage schoolgirls only occur occasionally in my writings - Food and pipe-tobacco are obsessions, medicated foot-powder perhaps also.
Uniformed schoolgirls and their healthy habits, and delightful lack of sartorial choices, aren't".

Where, pray, is the footlong posting about medicated pedal powder? We demand a disquisition!


Lev

Anonymous said...

Jesus tiny penis? Jesus tiny penis! Jesus tiny penis? Jesus tiny penis! Jesus tiny penis? Jesus tiny penis! Jesus tiny penis? Jesus tiny penis! Jesus tiny penis? Jesus tiny penis! Jesus tiny penis? Jesus tiny penis! Jesus tiny penis? Jesus tiny penis!

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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"Ever since I started on your herbal supplement, Sharon says sex is so much more pleasurable for her, and she comes much more easily". David, Florida, USA

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The back of the hill said...

Three anonymi of a kind. Shopping is not better than sex, dear boys, and I doubt that Jesus and herbal penis supplements really belong in the same comment string. Feel free to disagree. Why don't you tattoo an image of one on the other? Your choice which.

And to David in Florida: Sharon is lying to you. It's for your own good. She doesn't want to hurt you. But she does think you're a lousy lover, and marriage is out of the question, you dink.

Anonymous said...

Spam: Tofu for non-vegetarians.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Vikings: non-vegetarians.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Jesus: a fictional vegetarian.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

BTW

what exactly must I grant Patel?

Is Patel kosher?
Is Patel a friend of wombats & the fauna of Australia?
Is Patel man enough to smoke a Meerschaum without coughing?
can we trust Patel to find his way around major cities of the Netherlands without seeking solace in a coffee shop?

this & many other questions pertaining to panties/baccy/ & slightly silly recipes for those who have too much time to spare - a fridge full of amazing ingredients - after getting home & going to bed, must be addressed & dealt with 'ere the cock crows!

Graham

Anonymous said...

Crowing cocks in German?

Wir habn es nicht gewitst!

Anonymous said...

Nobody expects a Spanish Disquisition!

Spiros said...

There is no reason to beleive that David in Florida's use of herbal supplements has any relation to Sharon's comings and goings: no where is it mentioned that David and Sharon are having sex together.

Anonymous said...

She turned me into a NEWT!

Anonymous said...

She turned me into a NEWT!

You were already a newt, you were always a newt.

Then you found Christ.
Now you are still a newt, but you no longer recognize that fact.

Spiros said...

Why Jesus?

Anonymous said...

I hear that Mustafa Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie named Jesus.

Do you have a newt license?

Anonymous said...

Oh dear god no, not a comment string of "CUIDADO LOS NEWTS!"

Not the newts, man, not the newts.... I've had a long day, and I HATE the newts!


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

"I am a short middle-aged bald person with a tiny penis and mediocre breasts...."


I personally find your breasts ...enchanting.
(poignant sigh)

Anonymous said...

"I am a short middle-aged bald person with a tiny penis and mediocre breasts...."


I personally find your breasts ...enchanting.
(poignant sigh)

The back of the hill said...

I personally find your breasts ...enchanting.
(poignant sigh)


Oh dear. I do not know how to react. Am I flattered? Am I disturbed? Which of these?

I would invite you to describe how you see my breasts, but I'm afraid of what you will say. I suspect that I might receive a long disquieting disquisition on imaginary puffy parts. Or a treatise on the Man-zeer.

My breasts are in disarray.

Anonymous said...

There is no reason to beleive that David in Florida's use of herbal supplements has any relation to Sharon's comings and goings: no where is it mentioned that David and Sharon are having sex together.

They aren't even in the same state! There is no way Sharon could say that (and despite the bloating, he's a he, not a she).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illnesses_of_Ariel_Sharon

Quod Erat Demonstrandem!
And punt!
Vavoom.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

A few blogs back H.B was wondering how he could boycott Britain.

The language was a no-go. H.B. goes Dutch as often as poss., but apart from Lemuel & myself the world does not seem to care....

The world wants it in English dudes!

So, a few blogs on, the obvious choice must be

MONTY PYTHON & HIS FLYING CIIIRCUUUS!

Graham

ning!

Anonymous said...

It's not easy being green.

Anonymous said...

It's not easy being green.

Anonymous said...

Not so much green as cabbage-hued.

Anonymous said...

" THEY MUST NOT READ MY BLOG"

Does anybody?

Anonymous said...

NONE SHALL PASS!

Anonymous said...

What...is the capital of Assyria?

.
.
.

What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Anonymous said...

Newts rule.

Anonymous said...

All the newts that's fit to print.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

No more newt beaches ever! We're gonna stay up all night and clean this mess!

Anonymous said...

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Spiros said...

Why Jesus?

Anonymous said...

Cuidado los Jesusses!


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Blasted buggery bollocks all over those Jesusses. Wombat!


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Wombat. Wombat. Wombat.
Mushroom.

Wombat. Wombat. Wombat.
Mushroom.

Here comes the snaaa...., oh shit, there's Jayzus again!

Damn!

Buggery religious nuts.

Cumberland stem. Poker. Ron Fairchild. Next week. Interesting.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

You ARE a looney!

Anonymous said...

I am not! How dare you suggest that! I have a license for a fish, and I'm not scared to use it!

It is a fully loaded fish... so round, so firm, so fully slapped.

I flound it in a school.


---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

does anyone think porn is the only business still thriving during the credit cruch? I think many folks seek refuge in buying and wanking porn during the crunch

Anonymous said...

crazy idea i know but how do u think credit cruch affected porn?

The back of the hill said...

crazy idea i know but how do u think credit cruch affected porn?

It's driven the small mom and pop porn stores out of business, leaving many neighborhoods bereft.
Several old familiar smut vendors in this part of the city have disappeared.

But it isn't entirely a matter of economics - part of it has to do with technology.

Nowadays most people probably cruise the internet for zesty pictures. Better quality, more choices.

Still, I miss the seadiness of a good old-fashioned dirty book store.

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