MY HOVERCRAFT IS INDEED FULL OF EELS, JUST SO YOU KNOW

There are several American things that violently offend Europeans, per many articles on the internet. Food. Clothing. Tipping habits. Places. People. Cultural phenomena that prove that we Yanks have no culture, don't know about cuisines or darn well anything, are incredibly crass and vulgar, and, largely suck. We are, to put it bluntly, just bloody awful.

You know something? They can all go fudge themselves.
They invented Hitler and Stalin.
Plus lutefisk.

I mean really, Have you ever seen Vincent Van Gogh's famous painting "The Potato Eaters"? It's just depressing. Several scrawny peasant types dressed in rags sitting in a badly lit room dipping potatoes in vinegar. What life there was like before the post-war period.

Not even a Hershey Bar anywhere in sight!

Ghastly!

The next time you throw a July Fourth barbecue, which you should do every weekend or at least several times a year because we are Americans and sneer at European methods of showing dates, and Eurocentric time anyhow, serve something with fried starch, melted cheese, and bacon. Plus green onions and hot sauce.

The Europeans forced ABBA on us, and we should never let them forget it.


They also invented disco. Worst time to be alive.


Well okay, I will admit that American processed cheese, Hershey bars, and "What's Up?" by the American rock group 4 Non Blondes, are almost certainly crimes against humanity, and will permanently blot our escutcheon, along with Bay Watch (which is unwatchable, so bad title a priori), but those are actually minor compared to European "achievements".


Anyway, the tourists are back in town. I keep hearing French, German, and Italian on the streets here. Let's welcome them with typical American hospitality, offer them bad pizza and perfectly horrid croissants, plus weak burnt coffee, lots and lots of carbonated beverages to counter their dehydration, brimming with ice to cool them down because they're overheated, and delicately whisper "sie können hier nicht anhalten, das ist fledermausland" ("Vous ne pouvez pas rester ici, c'est le pays des chauves-souris"/"Non puoi fermarti qui, è il paese dei pipistrelli") in their refined ears, to make their American adventure more surreal. They only came to see the buffalo and the huge wilderness areas anyway, our presence on this continent probably offends them.


And remember, if you speak to them at any time, they're likely to say "that's okay, we speak English". Because they thought that you were trying to speak to them in their language.
Even if everything you said was in English.


你哋唔可以停留呢便，呢度係蝙蝠國家。



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