TEST RESULTS AND REASONABLE AVERAGES

Per research posted on the internet, people who drink their coffee black are more likely to be psychopaths. Both the emperor Nero and Tiberius were black coffee drinkers, that theory holds, and just look at what they did. Accordingly, I shall assume that the last ten callers from American Benefits (eight gentlemen with Indian accents, two ladies who sounded remarkably like your worst Filippina nightmare) prefer their coffee without dairy.

Most of the time I add milk and sugar.
Sometimes I fly psycho.


You shouldn't take all "research" seriously. I suspect that the coffee thing was the direct result of someone looking for evidence to support their theory or fondly cherished belief, likely to poke their significant other who said something glib and snarky at six in the morning.

"Sweetheart, you are bonkers."

You're probably better off not getting up at six in the morning. Or, if you do, make sure you have unfettered access to both the kitchen and the bathroom. I suspect that all those people who get up that early to walk their dogs are, at that time of day, functionally insane. Which is why when I'm talking a stroll for an early morning pipe I tend to twitch and gibber from half a block away so as to give them fair warning that if need be I can outcrazy them by a bucket load, and please don't make any rude comments about the evil smell of tobacco dears.
There isn't a judge or jury that would convict me.

For the life of me I cannot understand how my apartment mate can immediately after waking up physically co-ordinate making her hot beverage, preparing something to eat, AND turning on her computer for more tidbits about Harry and Meghan (aka "Old Ginger Bollocks" and "Harry's Wife"). For me, mornings are about sweetness and light; NOT tiresome third rate celebrity attention whores like those two. Who probably drink their coffee black.


That's another reason to leave the house with a pipe to watch dogs pooing that early. So that I don't have to hear that stuff. Good morning, how are you, did you sleep well, I'm going out for a smoke, see you in a bit. That way I'll also avoid the first call by the Indian and Filippino Spam call workers ("hello, this is Sarah from American Healthcare Advisors on a recorded line"), who are in a different time zone and hepped to the gills on black coffee so that they can attentively and assiduously mine their victims for useful data.

Sarah, REAL healthcare professionals don't call at six in the buggery morning.

Unless they see that the results of recent tests show that you are carrying a space alien baby that any moment could rip its way out of your chest OR have fast developing cancer of the vasilikoid malakas. Neither of which are likely, as I had my most recent tests (part of the yearly check-up) over a month ago.


It was quite overcast when I had my first smoke this morning. The only sweetness and light was represented by dog poo and dog pooers. It's now bright and mostly sunny, a balmy sixty four degrees. Time for another pipe, and a cup of tea. I'll check on the turkey vulture in my bed to see if he's still quaking with fear over what the other small creatures plan to do with him, or whether he would like a hot apple turnover. In lieu of a little girl hamster who looks exactly like a juicy meatball. See previous post for clarification of that statement.

THE TURKEY VULTURE

==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================