I WOULD EAT THAT!

If the End Times come upon us, you can blame the Swiss. Those famously "neutral" Swiss. Who invented American food that even most Americans wouldn't touch. And I now know why European tourists in the city are so disappointed with our food. Not only do our Chinese and Italian restaurants NOT resemble anything in Bremerhaven, but even our "American" food is disappointing. So unimaginative, lah!

Our burgers, as but one example, are just grilled patties with lettuce, tomato, onion, mustard, ketchup, and pickles. On a toasted bun. With a splash of Sriracha for the adventurous.

[Well, okay, maybe melted blue cheese. But they have that also. So what's the point?]

We don't grab life by the horns, as they expect us to, and put avacado, mango salsa, and sweet and sour sauce on everything. Kung pao corndog is hard to find. No grilled possum with sweet potatoes and mayo. No General Tzo'z crawdaddies over grits.

There is absolutely nothing to eat here!

Dammit, we're boring.

Fortunately, those canny (and evil) Swiss have invented dishes that the cowboys can eat. Bern and Zurich must be awash with cowboys. Maybe those are only folks from Arkansas wearing their native costumes, or New Englanders, but whatever. They will not starve.
As the heavens open up, fire comes down from the sky, and rivers run with blood.
Dr, Oetker is a fighter for truth, justice, and the AntiChrist.

I suddenly have an urge to square dance.

Because, culture!



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