Wednesday, January 10, 2018


My friend the bookseller knows batteries. Specifically, a remote control uses double A, but flashlights and dildos take regular or single A. Because of the dimensions, obviously. Triple A is strictly for hamsters or gerbils. Personally I feel that that is wrong, and that modern dildos are built for the double A's, but he was adamant. Triple A: hamsters. Or gerbils.

I wasn't going to argue. The discussion about batteries lasted from Stockton Street to Hyde, and if we woke you up I apologize. He had had way more to drink than me, and he was adamant.

While he had remained at the bar, with the owner refilling his glass, I had been to the bathroom, stepped outside twice to smoke, and gone to watch a fight on Broadway near Romolo. I had told the cops that "these three were not involved, honest, we were all just drinking at the bar when someone texted us about a rumble, and we had all curiously ambled over".

I didn't have a cellphone, so I couldn't show him the message.
Which friend? Don't know (it was Michael).
They don't speak English.

Actually, two of them do, but three Chinese gentlemen watching Mexicans trying to kill each other over blondes should not excite the interest of the police, who ten minutes after the ruckus finally arrived. Five cop cars. All over man, nothing to see here. And we'd like to just move along, but y'all decided to make three Chinese gentlemen sit at the curb for whatever reason. There's several more onlookers from the same bar near Broadway, and none of them were involved, so questioning these three was ... odd.

Hi. I speak white. With educated diction.
How very inconvenient!

Later we all agreed that the chubby dude ("fei lo") had caused trouble ("ho maa fan"). Demanding a police man's number! What was he gonna do, call him? Kam soh ge! Chan hai nei!

The chubby guy may take a while to live this down.

But the pothead is a different matter.


According to his own words, he's "the most dangerous criminal" in Chinatown! Despite not having a record, and being totally clean!

Shee-willikers! I am the most dangerous middle aged kwailo in Chinatown.
Almost no competition, there's probably no other kwailo who speaks Cantonese here, but heck. No record and totally clean too.

He's packing heat. Good thing no search.

I must admit that I have not a clue how we ended up discussing batteries, hamsters, and gerbils after we left. As far as I know neither of us have been anywhere near a place in which a dildo might find itself in several years.

We more or less agreed that a dildo is carrot-shaped.
Or sometimes, exceptionally, like a dill-pickle.

Him: two beers, eight shots of Jameson.
Me: half a pint and only three.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

No comments:

Search This Blog


What this society needs is churchpeople going on regular tours of low places to spread the word of god. Not because habitués of such places ...