IN WHICH MANY MATTERS ARE MADE CLEAR

You may have seen a previous expression of wonder at the missives readers leave underneath my humble postings of late. Sometimes the missive is longer and more confusing than the essay which inspired it.

A recent epistolic screed underneath a blogpost gives evidence of both alcoholic haze and a profound familiarity with my past literary efforts.

There are at least TWO possible candidates who may have written it, but unfortunately neither one of them is a short Chinese American female college graduate with a passionate interest in badgers, mediaeval Dutch literature, pipe tobacco, fruit bats of Australia and the South Pacific, or Marguerite Yourcenar.

Whether it was a short Chinese American female college graduate who wishes to share a bowl of preserved egg and lean pork congee (with an oil stick!) is also highly doubtful.
Many, if not most (meaning: the overwhelming majority) of my friends and readers are not short Chinese American female college graduates.

Actually, I know of only one, that being my ex girlfriend, with whom despite her complete and utter disinterest in badgers, mediaeval Dutch literature, pipe tobacco, fruit bats of Australia and the South Pacific, plus Marguerite Yourcenar, I am still on excellent terms.
We have shared cookies.

She's probably had preserved egg and lean pork congee with an oil stick, but we've never shared that.

And by short is meant five foot four inches. Not really short, all things considered, but let fine bone structure stand in for minor stature.
I'm only five foot eight and half, so I rather like short.
Being remarkably fond of foreheads.
A question of daled amos.


I am still looking.


Anyhow, here is the missive recently left (in large italics), with clarifying commentary interspliced in square brackets, smaller font - this in lieu of Rashi, with less lomdus, more free-association.

I have given it too much thought.


Dear Esteemed Expert,

Salutes and Greets, meneer, for we have returned from our voyage in old Hon-sing of Kou-lei. While there, we sampled the local six-hundred fourscore and nine varieties of tealeaf. Actually, "abominable interpretations" would be a more apropos term than would befit "varieties", as we found them to be nothing but insipid imitations of the Canton-Chewchow-Fukien Triumvirate of Tea Ritual. But no matter, as the streets were smattered with quite literally thirty shrines on every block to the melange called "keo-pee", which we have been informed is a corruption of the Arabic "al-qahwatu". Upon patronizing one of these (quite literal) qahwaterias, we decided that this was one foreign import that the Chō-sen People have done correctly, perhaps a better improvement than its progenitors in the Harrar Highlands.

[Kou-lei: Reference is made to Korea, which, given modern international relations, means the south. And it is known that the Seoul is passed down through the mother, unlike Koheinus, which is patrilineal. Note that all of the Chō-sen share descent from four matriarchs, one of whom, Ruth, was from Moab, and altogether of outside lineage. From her loinage King David descended, who slaughtered countless thousands in rigorous pursuit of truth, justice, and the American way; he and his successors are a model up to the present. Tea can be taken to mean bsomim, the heavenly fragrance of which recalls both the sabbath, as well as reminder-offerings of the countless dead. Tea Ritual: The tea is sometimes served in small glasses called 'istakhan', but more often in tiny handleless porcelain or pottery cups (piala). An hour or so later, one gets up from one's tushak and goes out back, for what is known as "answering to the tea" (ghare ke piche pishab-karna).  Qahwateria: Sturbacks. A chaikhana favoured by heathens, hence the idolatrous signage. About which we know nothing!
The Harrar Highlands are hot, that being the meaning in the local tongue of Harrararrar. Harribly hot.]

The Falash-Mura must be liberated, speedily and in our days.

[The Falash-Mura are among the inhabitants of Yerushalayim, the offspring of Bint Al Jebus three thousand years ago. Bimheira, bimheira; bimheira ve yameinu. Mura means bitter, as in the psuk: 'amar min al handal'. Sukar ziyada is not mura. Always ask for sukar ziyada. 
Their greatest hero is Falash Gordun.]

But of no importance. We have received terrible tidings of our friend in the Middle Kingdom. You might so recall him having been a liaison of the Binleung Israelites with our group. [Through a relay of no less than twenty individuals (call it information-laundering), it has been informed to us that he was detentioned for "unspeakable crimes" (the officiall name of his charge). We have also heard that his punichmentes ranged from "having his stones pulled" and "filling his mouth with cement", but further research illustrates that these are only (gratefully) meted out to those accused of murder.]

[Middle Kingdom: Lotharingia, because it lies between both the Franks and the Teutons. Binleung: a sacramental nut, betel or pinang.
Information laundering: as per the Sfas Emes, you are the guardian of what you hear or see, and you must judge whether what you hear or see is fit or not. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Punichmentes: mediaeval word-association, by means of which the tolerance and guilt of an accused person are measured, much like the cart is put before the horse.]

It happened thusly, and no less: he had promised the Israelites that he would bestow unto them a guide of the delights of Balut, and he had relied on us to deliver him the Good Word. It is why we tasked you with giving this much-needed primer, as we have not the literary clout to persuade successfully as you do. Days and months they waited, but it became clear to even them that he had failed to procure on this information and deliver his promise.

[Thusly: in this manner, according to the details stated following the clause. Balut: balus in classical Ahskenazis, as spoken in Galicia and the Harrarrarrarrar Highlands, meaning an acorn. Strength, power, and ersatz coffee. Good Word: to those who know, a riezige sefer fun Reb Avigdor Ben Simcho Halevi (c. 1725 - 1810), a grammarian who moved from Googlehow to Berlin; davar tov, an instructional manual on speechifying for fun and profit. Tselb-helf vorter. Hence mention of "this much-needed primer".
Clout: strong and powerful unterveish, which is what the Hindus wear. It is much celebrated, and the origin of the modern pantie, such as the French cut, the high cut, the boy short, the granny, and the bikini brief. Orthodox preference is for the classic high-waisted garment (aka: Mormon Temple Clothing), both Reform and Reconstructionists prefer the thong. Days and Months: because every month there are more or less ten days when, due to niddah and subsequent spotting, the woman is gonz farshpetterd.
But we shall not mention that. Niddah, zivah, zavah.
Promise: half an hour to deliver pizza or it's free.]

We were also told, according to local Binleung legend, that an unfullfilled vow is a grave trespass in Israelite custom. For you see it brings dishonour unto those to whom were promised - and as you no doubt know, bringing shame is tantamount to execution in non-Occidental ideology.

[Grave trespass: Trespassing on graves is, in most societies, considered both bad luck and an offense. Mamesh.]

It was for all this that our friend was circumscribed by the Israelites, never to return to this Shangri-la of maize and cacahuetes (its most numerous exports). He has told us personally that he was literally "run out of town", when angry Israelites chased after him yelling "A Shah! A Shah!" We have no idea why the Aryan Monarch would become such a foul epithet, but once again local legend demonstrated that they were likewise chased from their homeland-in-exile, and from that day they would do the same to heretics, informers, and of course, shamers and promise-breakers.

[Cacahuetes: The pinda or guber, a paste of which combines nicely with grape jelly, especially on wonder bread (pan de nissim), but badly with marmelade. Circumscribed: that which takes place eight days after birth.
A Shah! A Shah! Gesundheit! But in the Seifer hamivharim and the Sefer hasheiles, Ibn Ezra shpers that 'shah' is an epithet for Moishe Rabeinu, camping at Yatvata (Yosvoso).]

For our imminent return to Holam-sing, we are now burdened with the efforts of finding a new traductor for which we cannot function. This is a task that strains our resources, something which we would quite like to avoid. When we return, we will no doubt encounter this same question again. Lest we lose another liaison to the highly guarded Israelite honor, we implore you to provide us with a proper thesis, preferably in full post form, to pass down the awaiting Israelites of the deliciousness of Balut.

[Now note that the aleph has a holam in it, wherefore we must mean Omar, an obvious misspelling (scribal error?) of Oman, a land famous for Frankincense and Myrh, referring back to the 'tea' (bsomim) mentioned previously. Traductor: chazzen. Burden: according to Ibn Ezra, the staff that smote his shoulder; something one indeed would wish to avoid. Balut: Beitzim muzarot. Deliciousness: as it says in the Shir Ha Shirim, "I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse, I have gathered my myrrh with my spices, I have gustated my honeycomb with my honey, I have drunk my wine with my lactic exudate; eat, O friends, and drink, yes, drink abundantly, O beloved." Shlomo HaMelech wrote in English; who knew?]

Or Dinuguan.

[Ibn Ezra did not write about dinuguan.]

They must know the essence of Philippine délicacies!

[Philippine Delicacies: The Yerushalmi kugel and Apple sauce noodle kugel, as mentioned here: what to eat in Kikar Safra.]

Delay no more,

[Tom Delay, a heathen king, possibly Amalek. The gematria of his name spells out 'Mordor', which is a place of shadow and gloom.]

Thirty Day Beer

.   .   .   .   .


My best educated guess is that the person who signed himself 'Thirty Day Beer' is actually a Fratboy ('yeshive bocher') from the Midwest, who celebrated the end of term with a monumental bender.
Beer and pizza, for a solid month.

Both balut and dinuguan are ways of curing a hangover.
Neither are kosher le peysach, as they are associated with rice.
The prohibition is strictly de rabbanan.
See maseches kiddushin.



I had preserved egg and lean pork congee for lunch today.
With an oilstick (crispy fried dough).

Al netilas yadayin, hamotzi, and mezonos.
Plus a shehakol, just to be sure.





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