Thursday, March 26, 2015

LIKELY TO FRIGHTEN A WOMAN OUT OF HER WITS

It is with quite a bit of startlement that I realize that ALL my seduction techniques involve food. Which explains why I've never gotten anywhere. In so diet and health conscious a city as San Francisco, slinking up to a likely young thing and whispering "would you like some fresh asparagus stirfried with sliced Chinese sausage and ginger, over a bed of boiled rice-stick noodles?" just won't work. In fact, it is guaranteed to fail, no matter how brilliant my cooking.
I like to cook, and do it rather well.

Mentioning real food to most people, more than almost anything else, qualifies one as a creep, a pervert, and an unmentionable deviant.

Especially if you whisper, and she doesn't know you.

She might scream and turn green.
Or even faint.


The Chinese sausage in question was fine-ground and on the lean side, though still sufficiently fatty for flavour. Sorghum liquor perfumed with roses was used to cure it, and it was meaty and thick. Rather than slicing it diagonally across, I cut it as if it were a stick that I was sharpening with a pen-knife, ending up with nice juicy wedges that contrasted delightfully with the toothsome sweetness of the asparagus.
Which I blanched briefly, before sauteing.

The ginger was coarse-cut, to flavour the frying oil, and add an interesting bit of zippity doo da in the mouth.

To balance the lime juice, I added a small jigger of soy sauce and some sugar before squeezing the citrus over.
Ideally, some chopped cilantro would have been a lovely idea, but why buy an entire bunch, if most of it will be thrown away?

I think you'll agree that fitness-obsessed modern young ladies would be offended by this. They prefer tofu and shredded wheat instead.


"Would you like some shredded wheat with tofu and ginger, over a bed of crisp and un-inspiring lettuce?"


"Organic Tamari?"


Unless I force myself to like shredded wheat, I am destined to go through life alone.

Chinese sausage goes wonderfully in many vegetable dishes.

I'll share it, but I shan't give it up.



Dinner took less time to make than to enjoy. And was almost certainly better than snuggle-bunnies. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I still have some asparagus left over.

And a lot of sausage.


AFTERWORD

There are other foods I like:

Yauchoi with abalone sauce
Boiled chicken
Fatty roast duck
Lovely little lamb chops
Fish flavour eggplant
Steamed oysters
Carnitas
Poached fish
Smoked trout
Pork patty with salt fish
Bacon
Fatty pork chunks with shrimp sauce
Cumin potatoes
Mui choi kau yiuk
French fries dipped in Bearnaise
Ginger and scallion crabs
Etc.

Mentioning any of these to other people is almost guaranteed to blight your romantic prospects.

Glowering will ensue. Along with expressions of distaste.


The ideal man eats tofu and shits handbags.





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8 comments:

Anonymous said...

What do you think of this essay? Do you appreciate its content, style, or message?

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Smoking-Cigarettes/2679109

Smoking Is Fun. I am a female and I feel really sexy when I smoke. I love to smoke while waiting for the bus or train. I get there early to wait just so I have time to smoke a couple of marlboro reds. Although I am 18, I barely look 16. It is funny to see horrified looks of people when they see this cute, young blond girl smoking. I love the look on a store clerk's face as they hastily ask for my id when I buy a new pack. I know its not healthy but we all die anyways. Plus, all my friends who are anti-smoking activists love to lie out on the beach and get tan. I don't see why they think that getting cancer by tanning is ok but by smoking is so wrong. I'll try and quit maybe one day...definitely before I have kids. But for now I'll smoke. Whenever I am sad, depressed, lonely, bored, they just get my mind off the world.

The back of the hill said...

That's certainly an interesting perspective.

Try a pipe instead.
More satisfying, greater gravitas.

And far better for you.

Anonymous said...

How is it better for you?

The back of the hill said...

Less nicotine intake, at a slower pace, means a far lower and milder nicotine "high". Plus, partly because cigars and pipes require gentle attention rather than deep draws, AND you are not advised to inhale the smoke, far less tar enters the lungs, far less nicotine enters the bloodstream, and Pavlovianly, a calm steadiness is conditioned in the smoker, rather than nervousness and stress, as with cigarettes.

At the very least, a pipe or cigar smoked furiously leads to tongue-bite, possible headaches, and an unenjoyable smoking experience.

Whether you wait until you have the time to smoke, OR teach yourself to calm down and take the time, it's a better experience over-all. And unlike cigarettes, which inevitably lead you to smoke more, and at ever-decreasing intervals, to maintain a growing habit and feed the withdrawal symptoms (that need you have to light up, and the nervousness and tension which gives you an excuse), pipes and cigars are not an irresistible urge or must-have-now thing.

Pipes and cigars calm you down. Cigarettes encourage tension.
Guess who lives longer on average.

Doctor said...

Ah, so less nicotine intake, and less tar in the lungs, equals healthier? Then surely wouldn't it be healthiest just not to smoke at all?

The back of the hill said...

Indeed. But everything within reason, and in moderation.

The pleasure of good tobacco, used lightly, outweighs the dubious benefit of total abstention.

It can be a good habit. Often it isn't.

The back of the hill said...

And, as you night have noticed, I prefer the naughtiness of women smoking pipes or cigars on occasion, to the rather depressing almost sleazy impact of a woman addicted to cigarettes.

Good taste and stubborn individuality versus passive unthoughtout habit.

The back of the hill said...

By the way, my work-week starts tomorrow, so until Sunday evening I may not be able to fully address this conversation as it deserves.

And by Sunday evening I may not be quite rational. On Monday I should be normal again. On Tuesday, a long work day will lessen that.

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