LIKELY TO FRIGHTEN A WOMAN OUT OF HER WITS

It is with quite a bit of startlement that I realize that ALL my seduction techniques involve food. Which explains why I've never gotten anywhere. In so diet and health conscious a city as San Francisco, slinking up to a likely young thing and whispering "would you like some fresh asparagus stirfried with sliced Chinese sausage and ginger, over a bed of boiled rice-stick noodles?" just won't work. In fact, it is guaranteed to fail, no matter how brilliant my cooking.
I like to cook, and do it rather well.

Mentioning real food to most people, more than almost anything else, qualifies one as a creep, a pervert, and an unmentionable deviant.

Especially if you whisper, and she doesn't know you.

She might scream and turn green.
Or even faint.


The Chinese sausage in question was fine-ground and on the lean side, though still sufficiently fatty for flavour. Sorghum liquor perfumed with roses was used to cure it, and it was meaty and thick. Rather than slicing it diagonally across, I cut it as if it were a stick that I was sharpening with a pen-knife, ending up with nice juicy wedges that contrasted delightfully with the toothsome sweetness of the asparagus.
Which I blanched briefly, before sauteing.

The ginger was coarse-cut, to flavour the frying oil, and add an interesting bit of zippity doo da in the mouth.

To balance the lime juice, I added a small jigger of soy sauce and some sugar before squeezing the citrus over.
Ideally, some chopped cilantro would have been a lovely idea, but why buy an entire bunch, if most of it will be thrown away?

I think you'll agree that fitness-obsessed modern young ladies would be offended by this. They prefer tofu and shredded wheat instead.


"Would you like some shredded wheat with tofu and ginger, over a bed of crisp and un-inspiring lettuce?"


"Organic Tamari?"


Unless I force myself to like shredded wheat, I am destined to go through life alone.

Chinese sausage goes wonderfully in many vegetable dishes.

I'll share it, but I shan't give it up.



Dinner took less time to make than to enjoy. And was almost certainly better than snuggle-bunnies. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I still have some asparagus left over.

And a lot of sausage.


AFTERWORD

There are other foods I like:

Yauchoi with abalone sauce
Boiled chicken
Fatty roast duck
Lovely little lamb chops
Fish flavour eggplant
Steamed oysters
Carnitas
Poached fish
Smoked trout
Pork patty with salt fish
Bacon
Fatty pork chunks with shrimp sauce
Cumin potatoes
Mui choi kau yiuk
French fries dipped in Bearnaise
Ginger and scallion crabs
Etc.

Mentioning any of these to other people is almost guaranteed to blight your romantic prospects.

Glowering will ensue. Along with expressions of distaste.


The ideal man eats tofu and shits handbags.





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