THE DEFINITION OF A GOOD WOMAN

Several of my habits appall the fairer sex, and rightly so; this blogger is by all rational standards a fairly disgusting specimen. If you met me on the street, you might run away screaming.


I rather wish you would.


I'm still smarting from the remark made by an imposing woman that by smoking tobacco I was to blame for the death of puppies and little children.
No, I don't feel particularly guilty about it, as there are very many of both of those items remaining, and they are an infinitely renewable resource.
But I would have preferred it if she had worshipped the ground.
Seeing as pipe smokers are universally avuncular.
Precisely what canines and kids like.
Uncle Stinky-winky! Oooh!
And 'woof'.

I rather suspect that the repulsive specimen of femininity may have been an anti-smoking tofu-abusing veg-head member of PETA and several other ultra-radical action fronts OR a tacky suburbanite soccer-earth-mom shopaholic, as well as malnourished, despite her girth. A lack of protein in the diet leads to brain problems, oedema, and aggression.
Plus hyper-sensitive nostrils.


In addition to smoking, I also consume highly refined sugar, non-organic non-green coffee and tea, animal flesh, and strong condiments.
I have not eaten soy-bean curd in several weeks.

I'm sure my soap was animal tested.

Did I mention lard?

Buckets!


It's probably quite unfair to equate all women with that person. Several members of the other gender ('female') are in fact extremely likable, and immensely good company for a filthy male individual like myself or of my ilk. At least TWO of them smoke cigars! Admittedly, the bourbon-drinker is a vegetarian, but it is likely that the other one eats meat.
She seems far too nice to not have any 'vices'.
Another woman I know is a committed carnivore, which makes up for her never touching tobacco or alcohol, and the rabbit mom who lives across the bay is a notorious disturber of the peace and a dangerously incorrect person, both of which are traits I find admirable.
Actually, there are a few such among my ken.
All upstanding in my book.


So, in conclusion, your sanity is preserved if you adhere to at least two or three of the following evil practices: meat-eating, tobacco smoking, whiskey drinking, rabbit keeping, rabble rousing, and disturbing both peace and Presbyterians.


And if you're white, please don't cook tofu.

That last is just an opinion, of course.

But I've eaten white-cooked tofu.

It was extremely upsetting.



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