FULL OF IT AT DAWN

Anybody who hasn't seen the documentary Grey Gardens is blessed. And anyone who has, deserves to be. More than anything else it reveals New Yorkers' love for the Hamptons. Which, in their tightly restricted and obsessive world, stands for everything good and decent and desirable.

But I shall not pursue that chain of thought. Doing so on the internet inevitably leads to group insanity.

And off-key singing. Lots of off-key singing, darnit.

Facebook is ripe for organ harvesting.

Recent remarks prove this.

I admit guilt.


ONE

"Most people in high sin tax states simply purchase their quality pipe tobacco from internet retailers. Often a huge savings!"

In some ways I am a hypocrite, in that I disapprove of the tendency to buy everything on line. It ruins neighborhoods and puts honest merchants out of business. In some states internet shopping has caused such a decrease in tobacco stores, book shops, clothiers, and toy merchants, that the local strip mall is given over entirely to Birdcage Wok, Outback Steakhouse, Applebee's, Panda Express, and Boston Market.

I'm thinking particularly of New York and California, where the sneering puritan hordes wish to interfere in the lives of every one else, and tax whatever they disapprove of out of existence. Or ban it outright.
Such as smoking, soft drinks, shopping bags, and seafood.

Don't shop. Just get fat.

No wonder so many people are nasty looking; the bio-chemicals generated by unpleasantness and sh*tty food are oozing out of their dermis.

I do not want you to rely on the internet for tobacco.

However, I shall continue to do so.

I'm cheap.


TWO

"BTW: pipe smokers are notorious tightwads. On those rare occasions when they DO actually wander into a brick and mortar, they'll take up to an hour to NOT buy a pipe, then at least twenty minutes deciding which tin of tobacco. Or even longer. High maintenance customers by definition.
Whereas a cigar aficionado will spend five times as much in six minutes, walk out with a smile, and be back in three days to repeat the process."

Buy your stogies locally. Then get stuffed at Birdcage Wok, Outback Steakhouse, Applebee's, Panda Express, and Boston Market, fatso.

Hmmph. Cigars.


THREE 

"The Orang Utan deserves our sympathy. Obviously the shiksa in the bikini is one twisted mama, either a sadist or a sexual deviant, and a sociopath. He's the victim here!"

Tropical wildlife and white chicks are a bad combination.

I do not wish to be that ape.


FOUR

"Dudes! Always mention Pinot Noir, Tofu, and Hello Kitty! Always!"

These are cultural metaphors for California.
Not San Francisco. California.


FIVE

"Your mother and I have a shipment of plastic explosives coming in; it belongs to the bass player for "Guns 'n' Spittle". I've been giving him all the pocket change I steal from your pants while you sleep. Please don't let this affect your basic trusting attitude toward people."

Maybe this is what my sex-life would be like if I were a young blonde woman. Yes, if that were my misfortune, I'd probably engage in risky procreative behaviours with sleazoid lawyers and band members.
As, I have reason to believe, many of them do.

Fortunately I am a middle-aged male. With good taste.
Not a young blonde woman.


"Everything is made of plastic now, not like the old days. When we still used rock for everything. "Here honey, happy Valentines day; it's a rock!" "

I miss the days of my youth, when nice girls still carried rocks.


SIX

"Burley blends, as well as some of the richer Cavendishes. Not so much Latakia mixtures, because the characteristic of a corncob is that while it delivers a very satisfying smoke, it does not pull as broad and deep a spectrum of flavours from the tobacco. With proper care, even a corncob can last for a great many years. And, even if smoked multiple times in one day, it breathes, and consequently will dry out better overnight. Evenso it is best to have three or four for proper rotation, if that is the only type of pipe being smoked (with briars, of course, a regular smoker will need half a dozen or more). I would avoid the standard aromatics; Cornell & Diehl make some lovely Burley mixtures, and if he wants to try aged Virginias (flue-cured leaf, not necessarily even from anywhere in the States), he can't go wrong with Samuel Gawith: Best Brown Flake, Golden Glow, St. James Flake, and Full Virginia Flake."

Valuable advice for a gentleman who purchased an inexpensive smoking tool recently. With a bit of luck he'll graduate to briars, and fully experience the pleasure that pipe tobacco can provide.
Especially if bought cheaply.



Strip malls are like smorgasbords. So many fabulous edibles and quasi-edibles to choose from, tons of chain-snacks, and a wealth of oozing fatheads and young blondes for your viewing pleasure.
It's nothing at all like San Francisco.

Eat it before it all melts.



NOTE:

Much of the commentary above was indirectly inspired by tourists and suburbanite types, both of which are blisteringly loathesome. The rest can be blamed entirely on a yearning for little fatty pork meatballs in a green curry sauce, which is unsuitable for breakfast, and would take a little too long to prepare anyhow.

Normally breakfast is not an issue; two cups of strong coffee, and a pipeful of dark flake. That almost always does the trick.

I'm heading to Marin in a short while.
The horror, the horror.


"Houri: from the city of Hawar, famous for plump, clear fleshed grapes. Hence a descriptive of eyes (where the white is visible all around the iris), luxuries and delicacies (such as sweet juicy raisins), fabulous and rare trade goods (see above), and the haunches of racing camels (don't ask). So: if you die for a noble cause, surely you will be rewarded (follows a series of metaphors for a semi-illiterate audience, who at that moment are not enthused about the horrible prospects). More or less the equivalent of 'a land flowing with milk and honey', and other poetic images in other Semitic tongues."

To which the only possible response is "Tempeh, on the other hand, is a euphemism for "inedible substance".

It might be better to eat at Birdcage Wok, Outback Steakhouse, Applebee's, Panda Express, and Boston buggery Market.

The last time I sang karaoke every one went outside for a smoke break.
Even the non-smokers.

Learn Dutch instead; FAR more useful.


Facebook; it's organic.




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