OK, CUPID, WHERE'S WALDO?!?

Just like all the other single men in the entire world (meaning: San Francisco), I have subscribed to OkCupid. Which is a dating site.
Not everyone there looking for the man or woman of their dreams is single, please understand, and some of them don't actually exist in real life. In some ways it's Creep Central with a few natural barriers built in, so a measure of caution is advised.
I seriously doubt that I'll find anyone there -- and I suspect that my animal magnetism does not carry over the internet at all -- but it is, nevertheless, both interesting and educational to browse.

Some people read books, some spend all day thinking about art.
There are far too many people who jog or exercise.
Many people love their dogs.

They don't smoke, rarely drink and then only socially, are Christians or not, and have six things they couldn't live without.
And they never do drugs.


This blogger definitely does drugs.

Caffeine, nicotine, and highly refined white sugar.

Consequently, you may spot me occasionally lurking in huge crowds, wearing my inconspicuous red and white striped jersey and matching beanie, looking quizzically stoned through my black rimmed bottle-bottom glasses, mere moments before I strip naked and start doing a merry dance to Spring. While singing about Joe Camel, the Marlboro Man, Mrs. Olson and her bottomless pot of Java oh sexy lady I want you as my grammar school mama, and pure cane shuga from Hawaii that's the one.
Or, if you're lucky, the 1970's jingle for Vaseline Intensive Care.


"Working hands! Working hands! Whatever the work you doooo; Now the working lotion, is working harder for you! New Vaseline! Intensive Care! Is working harder, for you!"


If you're in the mood, I'll follow up with the 'Welcome To Miller Time' song. After which we will recline upon our disreputably stained couch and watch black and white Sci-Fi movies from the fifties till four o'clock on the morning.

Now that's where the caffeine, nicotine, and highly refined white sugar come in. They're study aids. You cannot stay up till four o'clock in the morning without their help. Caffy, nicky, shuga, babe.
These three are key to upping productivity and remaining human.
They also make plain why the couch is so stained.
We're jittery, and we spilled our beverages.


In fact, I'm using all three of those things RIGHT NOW.

Coffee, with a spot of cream and spoon of sugar. It's strong-bodied.
Blonde Virginia flake tobacco, fully rubbed out, in a Savinelli pipe (shape no. 101, made for the Golden Gate Pipe Club), at perfect cruising speed. Sweetly tinglesome down the tip of the tongue.
It's all good. Exceptionally good. Utterly and divinely good.
The breakfast of champions, at any time of day.
I'm high as the proverbial kite.

You should be here to share all this.


You should message me if:

You want to meet the man you've been warned about.
You need someone weird for the family picnic.
You. Are. Legend.
Your brow needs wiping, you're about to faint.
Foggy nights make you want to take a walk.
You wish to paint the town a nice shade of mauve.
You need help with that lobster bisque.
You Jane, me British anthropologist.
You want an impartial observer.
The search for the best milk-tea is finally over.
Ob-gyn? Add ob-vermouth and ob-liv for an ob-martini!
You can't remember what your sign says about you.
Your nurse fantasies involve lime jello and wheel chair races.
Suggestive vegetables bring out the cleaver in you.
You think I have something of yours.
Your life isn't surreal enough.
The lab burned down and you need a place to hide.
It's very lonely out in the desert, Gringo.
The entire family went to Vegas and you've got lots of coffee.
You've seen 'My Neighbor Totoro' several times.
You've used your bra as a slingshot for conkers.
You'd like a man to look deep into your eyes and whisper "let's eat".
Everyone mind their own business! It's delicious, okay!?!
You want some cookies, please.



Oh, and honk if you ran over Jesus.





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