WHAT WOMEN SHOULD WEAR IN SPRING - NO, IT'S NOT MANGA BABE OUTFITS!

The original title of this post was "Torn Blue Panties and Frilly Pink Bras", in honour of a regular reader's recent assertion that "this blog is getting better every day!"

But I decided against it.

The first reason being that I didn't want to scare off any young ladies who might wander in - there are so few young ladies in my life that each and every one of them is precious - and the second reason is that this post is NOT about torn blue panties and frilly pink bras.
Even though I personally am enchanted by feminine underwear, and could consequently read 1960's Sears Roebuck catalogues for hours at a stretch, I fear that my readers are not so inclined.
Nor that resolute.

So, no panties, no bras.


WHAT WOMEN SHOULD WEAR IN SPRING

Ladies, may I suggest that high-heels are NOT a good idea? Yes, they do wonderful things to your rumps. Unfortunately the horrible effect on your posture and your locomotive flow is aza shreklekh that it does you more harm than good, and falling head over kilter while twisting your ankle distracts us so horribly that we cannot benefit from seeing your undergarments exposed.

My dear, this is San Francisco! You can rely on the wind to exhibit frilly bits! Really!

Female residents of Chicago are equally blessed, btw.


By the same token, tight white pants are not a good idea either. No one wants to see the imprint in your thighs of the chair that last you occupied, OR the uncomfortable thong thing going up the arroyo.
White pants add twenty pounds to your weight. Just so you know.

Skirts are fine. Skirts are, in fact, purely excellent. Just remember that we aren't your gynecologists.
Unless you have really charming legs.
In which case a whole bunch of us may express regrets about the career path we have chosen.
Was that the effect you intended?

Again, avoid thongs. We prefer to have a positive mental image of spaghetti.
Thank you.


Regarding tops, showing too much is far worse than far too little. And by that I mean silk, cotton, or linen. Fabric. Please wear some.

If you have a lovely cleavage, it should be the crème brûlée at the end of dinner, not the extensive preview of coming attractions.
A present is ALWAYS nicer if wrapped, instead of just plonked in front of you with a grunted "here, yours".
Like with the white pants, avoid tight. Nothing is more painful to the eyes than seeing a back cut in half by a brassiere that is too small, or a stomach that is painfully taught against the tortured fabric.
We like bras, just like we appreciate panties. If you really want us to know the brand you're wearing, nothing beats a discrete invite.
Sharing it with Tom, Dick, and Harry lessens our interest considerably.

A simple white shirt or blouse is perfect, however. Yes.


SHAMPOO!

And finally, please wash your hair. Even if it doesn't need it. And use a real shampoo - not one of those trollop in a bottle brands.
Most of you are shorter than us men (especially if you took my advice and ditched the chase-me-fudge-me heels), and on a tightly packed bus heading downtown early in the morning, my nose may be mere inches away from your golden ringlets.

You had spaghetti last night, didn't you? I'm not getting a good feeling about spaghetti right now.
It just doesn't combine well with Fructease. Or Desert Temptress. Or whatever that ghastly sweet muck is.
And you sweated while you slept. Or did your cat pee on you? Whatever.
Remember, if I vomit, my mouth is mere inches away!


FINAL WORD

All of this is actually immaterial. Most men have no taste and no sense of smell anyhow. As a gender, we tend toward totally oblivious.
And in the middle of the working day, we'll be far too distracted by work, or our own chafing underwear, to notice you. Dang, that itch! These tidy-whities are too tight and white!
Can I get away with turning around and discretely scratching? Why does it feel like sandpaper down there?
Should I have shaved? Plucked?

* * * * *


In other words, it's just me. I care what you wear.

I wear boxers, so there is no chafing. None. I'm comfy.

Young ladies wearing skirts & blouses, or nice summer frocks. Mmmm!
Clean-smelling hair. Mmm!
Just tripping along, expressing the freshness and beauty of spring. Mm!
Good posture! Excellent locomotive flow!

Mmmmm!

Now if you could just gather that lovely hair into a bouncy ponytail.......


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