At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I'M ON THE RAG AND I'VE GOT A KNIFE!

Actually, I wanted to put a different name on this post. The title above could be seen as deliberately provocative (it is, but I'm denying that), and someone without a sense of humour might take it as offensive and sexist (recommendation: get a life).

What I actually wanted to place in bold letters above this post was:

BAREFOOT JESUS MEDICATED FOOT POWDER ©


The reason for the Barefoot Jesus Medicated Foot Powder caption would have been the comments that I received on some previous posts from a gentleman named Lev.


EXHIBIT NUMBER ONE:
"Where, pray, is the footlong posting about medicated pedal powder? We demand a disquisition!"

EXHIBIT NUMBER TWO:
"I shall not even try to babel-fish what you wrote. It's all double Dutch, isn't it?"

EXHIBIT NUMBER THREE:
"Uom might be a correct spelling in Indonchina, for one of the ethnic languages especially. Ober mir given in gonzen nisht a hoot vos di tribals es pronuntsen voln, un vil konsekvently es vi 'wong' shriebn."

[The only thing that connects these disparate comments is that they are by the same author.]


I like meshune comments. They liven things up. Especially when there is an element of sheer gibberancy. Admittedly the quotes above were brutally ripped from their contexts, but they were invested with crystal-clear unbalance to begin with, trust me. Lev saw the train leave the station and ran with it. He is able to take an incidental theme and slam it so sideways that it takes over the field. The ball is fertilized, the penguin is on fire, and the wombat is in the house, so to speak. Wow.

How sad that I cannot lecture at length about medicated footpowder. Even though I obsess about the perfect footpowder - does not clump, feels silken and feathery, has a right balance of cornstarch, silica, calcium, and desiccants, in addition to disinfectants, mold retardants, aloe, and a topical painkiller - I have not much thought about the subject. My only "research" is trying out a bottle whenever I discover a new brand.

[There are several half-empty footpowder containers under my bed which will probably never be used again - the product clumped, or smeared and felt moist, or caked up. Inferior foot powders, not up to snuff. I have extremely high foot powder standards. So far Desenex powder seems the best.]


Powdered feet are happy feet.
Think of it as the confectioner's sugar on a bund cake.
When strangers ask me why my shoes have white dust on the tops, I tell them that I work in the post office.

[The explanation 'Desenex leak' is too 'high-concept' for most people.]

Other than that, I have nothing to say about foot powder.
Sorry, Lev, I cannot help you. Good luck finding a brand of medicated footpowder that meets your needs.

[That deals with exhibit number one. Exhibits two and three were put there merely to illustrate the charming yet contradictory chaos behind Lev's commenting.]



EXPLAINING THE TITLE

The caption which drew your attention in the first place really has to do with the other people at the charity where Savage Kitten volunteers on Sundays. It's a soup kitchen, and some of the folks who help prepare food are not entirely compos mentes or gifted conversationalists. Others are too Christian.
Savage Kitten is not nearly as tolerant of the peccadilloes of her fellow humans as you might have thought - my quirks she accepts because of either fierce lust for my hot middle-aged body or my sheer hug-worthy lovability, and she'll put up with the personalities of lobsters and crawdaddies because they are utterly delicious. Other than that, scant patience. She is not a very sociable person.
That may be why they have her trim the beef at a work station by herself.

One of her Sunday co-workers, however, was fooled by her appearance ('looks like a shy Cantonese girl with no life and a sweet personality'), and being an absolute bulb kept trying to strike up a conversation, several Sundays in row. Previously she had distracted him by handing him trays and telling them where to put them, or asking him to dispose of a pan full of bloody gristle and meat juices......

Yesterday, her patience hit empty and swung into negative. When he came over to talk, she simply snapped "I'm on the rag and I've got a knife!".

He avoided her for the remainder of the shift.


I'm horribly jealous. It's a great line, but no one would believe me if I used it.
Besides which, it wouldn't be quite as effective, as I am not that fierce.

She came back from the soup kitchen wreathed in smiles. Best volunteer Sunday ever.

Labels: , , ,

38 Comments:

  • At 3:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Why Jesus? What does Our Lord have to do with you're smelly feet? I am confused.

     
  • At 3:09 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Thank you for admitting it.

     
  • At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Eric's Dispensing Department said…

    SEMPRINI!

     
  • At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    No doubt this will lead into a harangue about niddah and abstaining till she has sent in her bedikas cloth and recieved a positive response, nicht?

     
  • At 10:08 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    With all due respect to both BOTH and Lev, Lev reminds me more of a dog chasing parked cars than somebody running with a train.

     
  • At 10:11 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    Oh yes, I also say "Why Jesus?". Frequenty.

     
  • At 9:05 AM, Blogger Tzipporah said…

    Can I just say, I LOVE Savage Kitten? There is something very reassuring about knowing, when I'm struggling to get Baby Chalal out of the bath, that somewhere down south there's a misanthropic Asian lady reading a book and yelling down the hall that you better not be smoking a stinky pipe in the living room again... :)

     
  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous spiritually amphibious said…

    Call a Lama!

     
  • At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    There is newt need!

     
  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yes, this person Savage Kitten does sound enchanting. I fondly imagine a palm-size spitfire. One who looks remarkably like a little Japanese schoolgirl.


    ---Grant Patel

     
  • At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Boruch A. said…

    This new format of jblog sucks. Now it's two extra clicks to read your stuff. Tell them to stop, dammit!

     
  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    To quote Kinky Friedman:
    "I'll see your Jesus, and raise you a Peter."

     
  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous graham said…

    We, the original English speaking-people who gave up H.K. sadly & would have preferred to keep it and give the Falklands to the PRC - but they were not too impressed and insisted on H.K. as we had been a bit weak when the nips came - so we had to just go along with it because they have many more troops than we do - despite Tibet and all the other stuff of which we know nothing because we are in Iraq & Afghanistan trying to turn goatherds into thinking world citizens, who could treat women as equals...., salute Savage Kitten!

    keep on jamming SK!

    ...


    Cantonese?
    is that PC?

    Graham

     
  • At 11:55 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    Ah the Falklands, until recently home to many sheep, now tragically overrun with...

    QUIDADO LOS UOMBATS!

     
  • At 11:57 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    Although I have heard rumors that Basil the Sheep is fighting a dogged rearguard campaign in the highlands.

     
  • At 9:26 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Anybody remember that slew of Bloom County episodes in which Opus the Penguin was visiting his kinfolk in the South Atlantic?

    And are there, in mittn drinnen, any famous or well-known Falklandish recipes? Broiled Sheep a la Pays-Falk? Substitute a haunch of pengy if you are out of sheep.

    Has Tofurky made it to the Falklands yet, and if so, what do they do with it?

    Just wondering here.....

     
  • At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Barefoot Jesus? Must be the J-sahib from the next post. I did not know you hung out with Indian loonies.

    Rice Christians are an inferior form of rice crispies. Plus they give you high blood pressure. Knock off the rice-Christians. Hell, knock off several, and the world will be a better place.


    ---Grant Patel

     
  • At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    At last a post with only one wombat.
    Sheet, took a while - you guys are loopy!

     
  • At 11:00 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    QUIDADO LOS UOMBATS!!!

     
  • At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Spwambot said…

    Wombat, wombat, wombat;
    Wombat, wombat, wombat.
    Mushroom!
    Wombat, wombat, wombat;
    Wombat, wombat, wombat.
    Mushroom!
    Wombat, wombat, wombat;
    Wombat, wombat, wombat.
    Mushroom!

    Here comes the snaaaaake!

    Wombat, wombat, wombat;
    Wombat, wombat, wombat.
    Mushroom!
    Wombat, wombat, wombat;
    Wombat, wombat, wombat.
    Mushroom!
    Wombat, wombat, wombat;
    Wombat, wombat, wombat.
    Mushroom!

    Here comes the snaaaaake!

     
  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous amphibious said…

    Crunchy frog?!?

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jesus, Peter, and Semprini? Bunch of MExicans have infested the blog. Beinvenidos a blogue, amigos. Now clean up those wombats.


    ---Grant Patel.

     
  • At 12:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sab Flaklands-men bakri-choot hai. That explains why there are no Falklandish mutton recipes - they 'chooted' them all. Call a priest.


    ---Grant Patel

     
  • At 12:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I prefer Steel-spring Surpirse over Crunchy Frog - it sounds so much more hopeful and optimistic. Cheery, even, what. But nothing beats the Anthrax Ripple.


    ---Grant Patel

     
  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    ...lovingly garnished with lark's vomit.

     
  • At 10:05 PM, Anonymous el chupacapra said…

    "Uombats?
    We dont got no uombats.
    We dont need to show you no uombats.
    We ain't gonna clean no steenking uombats!"

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Luscious. I'm in the same bucket as a homicidal ragwoman. What a rare treat.

    How does she treat you when you try to strike up a conversation? I fondly imagine that the two of you hardly converse with each other. You gibber here, she is a Chinese person who is apparently hardly loquacious. Must be a ......dRag!


    Lev

     
  • At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    And thank you for a fifty percent Lev content. You could've named the post "now more Lev than ever".
    Shabbat shalom.


    Lev

     
  • At 10:06 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    All the protein a growing boy needs, with only half the fat.

     
  • At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey! When am I going to get equal billing? I'm at least twice the fat of Lev, and all the caffeine!

    I deserve my own bloody post!


    ---Grant Patel

     
  • At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Vietnamese fought for us, you hatefulled bastard! Keep your dmam opinions to yourself if you cant' keep a civvil tongue in your head.

     
  • At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

     
  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Afrigginmen! said…

    Stop the bugger already with the Jesus crap all. We have no itnerest in your Jesus puke, no friggin' G-ddam interest at all. Take your Jesus stuff and stick it, ramm it so hard it comes popping out of your craw, and pound it in with a claw hammer. Screw you, screw your Jessus bs, and screw your parish priest.

     
  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah, what he said.


    Lev

     
  • At 9:09 PM, Blogger Spiros said…

    Why Jesus?

     
  • At 12:05 AM, Anonymous amphibious ratbag said…

    BURMA!

     
  • At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Burma?

     
  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    No, BURMA!


    ---Grant Patel

     

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