There's a good reason why you should not wake up your eyshes chayil in the middle of the night. It has to do with the fundamental difference between the sexes. Sometimes men and women can not be more dissimilar.
For example, if asked "how was your day?", a man will usually answer monosyllabically. 'Fine. It was fine. Yep. Fine. Grunt. Fine'.
A woman is likely to wax polysyllabic for at least half an hour, possibly even longer. How much time you got?
One can't hardly get more non-monosyllabic than that - you might as well grab a cup of tea (with a cookie), make yourself comfortable, and sit back. You're gonna hear all about it. Oh man. You asked, and now she's off like a racehorse.
Men and women communicate differently (if at all).
What the man above said with a simple non-emotional grunt was 'I've put work behind me, I'm sitting with a book on my lap and a pipe in my mouth, I'm cool, baby'.
What the woman, in the totally and completely HYPOTHETICAL example above, conveyed with her long disquisition was 'please grunt encouragingly at the appropriate moments while I get the entire day, in excruciating detail, out of my system - I'm not asking for advice, I'm not asking for input, I'm not looking for any perspective whatsoever, I just like the attentive way you grunt, thank you'.
It's as simple as that. Charming. Feel free to substitute beer for tea, if you like beer. Everything else should remain the same. Grunt.
Grunt.
Lying in bed last night I couldn't get to sleep. At about one o'clock my hands wandered......., wandered......., wandered....... smooth flesh, contrasting nicely with cotton. Silky. Roundnesses, and curves. Warm to the touch......., touch......., touch.......
For the next two hours I got to hear all about her work. Turns out there's some old woman at Savage Kitten's office who has mannerisms that are between Joan Crawford and Baby Jane. Intensely irritating. Like working with Special Ed. Or an angry muppet. This woman does not eat lunch at a convenient time. And does much more. In tormenting detail. Great bothersomeness, a stress factor, personality issues, frowny faces, the break room, and the mail-area. Desks. Chattersome Philippinas.
Please don't ask me any questions about what she said, though, because I wasn't really paying any attention. Grunt.
Grunt.
My grunts were sympathetic, and I hope just what the doctor ordered. I grunt well. My grunts spoke of a deep empathy, a keen sensitivity, a delicacy of comprehension, and an intelligent subtlety. My grunts were refreshingly angst-free. There was much to grunt for, and I grunted with feeling.
Consequently, I am operating on a sleep-deficit. I only had four hours of rest. Woke up quite unrelaxed, with weird dream-fragments floating through my brain. Maori tattoos, letters of recommendation, visas stamped in passports. Winter. Something about being naked in a hotel near a river, without any money.
All in all, a fractured night.
My hands had a fine time however - the fingertips remember.
OR MAYBE YOU ARE A HIPSTER
The first smoke of the day is accompanied by stumbling and dog poo. Not for me, as I am chipper and vibrant with hot strong coffee boiling t...
28 comments:
Speaking only for myself, I find both tea and beer to have too much of a diuretic propensity. I would offer a nice crisp red, along with a good blue cheese (say a Stilton or a Cashel) on sourdough, as an alternative. Especially to beer and cookie, which sounds ghastly.
I was utterly entertained by your blog and caught myself laughing out loud a couple of times...'please grunt encouragingly at the appropriate moments while I get the entire day, in excruciating detail, out of my system - I'm not asking for advice, I'm not asking for input, I'm not looking for any perspective whatsoever, I just like the attentive way you grunt, thank you'. FUNNY! And so true.
And there were a couple other things that cracked me up, mainly because they ring so true.
I know about a couple of hudred thousan women who would disagree with me but who cares, it's the really knowing inside that makes it so fun!
What was removed? And how does one remove it?
Lev
Lev, a silly response to Spiros was removed. Something about beer and skittles. Not up to my usual standard (which, admittedly, is low enough...).
Spiros, it is always time for tea. In fact, it is tea time right now.
Cheese, of course, only several hours after meat. Which presuposes meat. One cannot be happy with no meat.
Happy friday.
Lev
Skittles? You could've said something about domestic beer and imported cheese cancelling each other out. And they do. Plus beer and cheese breath is killer.
Lev
Read again - he suggested "a nice crisp red". It was I that brought it back to beer. Crisp red and blue cheese do not make a lovely combo either..... appealing and sexy it is not.
Of course, it would throw everything into perspective.
Skittlebrau.
I enjoyed your letter, the beautiful way you express yourself. You wrote "I am operating a sleep-deficit". Something else that gives you a sleep-deficit are the Netherlands and the Dutch. An article that can give you more peace: see www. nik.nl/Rabbijn Raphael Evers/Parasja van de week. It's in Dutch, but I am sure you will enjoy it.
Degeneritas, degeneritatum, omnia degeneritas, dixit aTBOTH.
---Grant Patel
Skittlebrau? Sprios, they already have such a thing. It is made in Belgium with cherries or blue berries. It tastes like bad sodapop. It is very flemish, and probally exceptionally good with pork.
The word BLEAH is on the tip of my tongue. They are called 'Belge' with good reason. Blurk. And Blayorkkkkkkk. A rather vomitous place, no doubt.
Lev
Also on the Simpsons, apparently (missed the episode), not to mention chocolate covered bacon, a culinary monstosity perpetrated by some friends of mine BEFORE it appeared on the Simpsons.
In Mexico they eat grubs in mole poblano. Probably great with fruity Belgian ales.
Or fruity Belgians.
Chocolate covered bacon?
How about instead some Chicken-fried Bacon, as served at Sodolak's Original Country Inn in Snook, Texas? Thems eats!
Served with cream gravy.
Chicken Fried Bacon:
1 lb thick sliced bacon.
1 egg.
1/2 cup milk.
1/2 cup flour.
Generous pinches salt, pepper, cayenne.
At least an inch of oil or shortening in a deep cast-iron skillet, het till smoking.
Klits egg and milk together in one bowl, sift flour and generous pinches of spices in another bowl. First dip the bacon in the milk'n'egg, then in the flour. Shake off excess, and repeat. Put in the skillet and fry crispy - crunchy - golden.
Cream Gravy:
Quarter cup rendered animal fat.
Four Tbs flour.
Four cups milk.
Pinches nutmeg and pepper.
Make a pale roux, cook lightly, add spices, then slowly whisk in the milk. When it thickens, decant to a bowl for dipping the chicekn-fried bacon strips.
"Everybody knows that the one sure-fire way to make something taste better is to fry it - that extra coat of grease increases the yum factor of any food"
Now that's Southern food at its finest.
And you can do the same with sushi. Just double-dip, then deep-fat fry them, and serve with a bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce on the side.
California Rolls never tasted so good.
It's the Appetizer of Champions.
Sodolak's Original Country Inn
Proprietor: Frank Sodolak.
9711 Fm 60 Road West, Somerville (Snook), TX 77878.
PH: 979-272-6002
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfbTO0GlONU
OR:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfbTO0GlONU&eurl=http://www.seriouseats.com/required_eating/2008/06/video-chicken-fried-bacon-sodolaks-original-country-inn-snook-texas.html
Fat, double-coated in fat, fried in fat, served with more fat.
Part of a balanced meal. Just needs salt.
"What's that yer eatin', Cletus?"
"Armadiller jerky...wom-bat?"
Chicken-fried armadillo - a feast fit for kings. Garnished with sliced chillies, and served with both cream gravy and red-eye gravy.
"My grunts were sympathetic, and I hope just what the doctor ordered. I grunt well. My grunts spoke of a deep empathy, a keen sensitivity, a delicacy of comprehension, and an intelligent subtlety. My grunts were refreshingly angst-free. There was much to grunt for, and I grunted with feeling."
I am ever so gratefull you did not write Grant. Though I too am not angst filled.
---Grant Patel
Oh, and "NEE WOM!"
As an afterthought, you know.
---Grant Patel
It would be interesting to compare the timbre of BOTH's grunts to the grunts of a somnolent wombat. I didn't say edifying, I said interesting.
Somnolescent wombats, languidly tumbling in the crepusque.
Ah, the melodious grunting of the antipodean marmots, affectionate and cruel.
We weep. Because we knew them.
Grunting wombats rule. We love the wombats, wombats, grunting. Grunting to the morning, of wombats do we sing.
Do any English goalies speak highly of wombats?
Lev
I am not interested in wombats.
Lev
Oh Yangtse, river full of...
CUIDADO LOS UOMBATS!!!
What is it with all the wombats? I just don't get it. Are you all crazy?
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