Seeing as I'm a fairly curious person, I have ended up on the mailing lists and in the e-mail address books of quite a number of people and organizations.
Consequently, I am "blessed" with any number of strange or disturbing e-mails.
I get Viagra spam, Cialis spam, and other bloat-yer-pork spam on a daily basis. It is widely known that I need a loan, diet pills, and phone sex. Several people out there think that I am bald and/or female. Others think that I have a huge discretionary income that I am dispensing madly in every direction like a whore with a spray-bottle of cootch-away. Oh boy.
[In case you didn't know, I am indeed both bald and female. Yes. And I'm also blessed with a duplicate set of needy naughty bits, and tonnes of money. Yes. If you are interested in corresponding, please contact me by entering your name and credit-card number in the comments field. Yes.]
However, as of this morning, in every single one of my e-mail accounts, I am the puzzled recipient of what may very well be the mother lode of stark raving bonkers.
An e-mail from a congregation of Jews for Jiziz.
An e-mail that asks me to prayerfully stand by.
An e-mail which asks: "It’s crunch time and final exams are on us, are you ready?"
Aaaarrrrgh, I had no idea there was going to be a test!
So, like any contestant, I decided to cheat. I e-mailed several friends for answers. The results so far have been gratifying (and I expect I'll get a few more after shabbes).
Several writers used words that can only be represented by blip or blipblip. And suggested that messianics were blipping blip. And blipped.
One writer reacted by asking me if I had flipped a bloody bead, what was I, nuts!!!?!? A groise pervert???!?!
Another stated that after reading the forwarded e-mail, he felt like washing his eyes with lye-soap and boiling water.
A third suggested that the sin of forwarding the e-mail could only be assuaged by reciting one hundred Hail Marvins ("Hail Marvin, just full of it, a veritable load is with thee....").
The 'prayerful' appeal for funds, which stated that no gift was too large or too small, received much feedback.
Mostly to the effect that a negative sum was in order. To match exactly the ministry's blessedness as considered by the donator. Prayerfully. And blip.
One person was (prayerfully) baffled by the statement that crunch time and final exams coincided.
I guess what that means is that it is time for an energy bar - but your dentist will take one look at your teeth and tell you to stop eating that crap. Prayerfully.
Regarding the name of the organization (Beis Goyim), a reader on the other side of the bay wrote: "I like the name "Beth Narishkite" better."
It struck me that both names suggest the United Nations more than they do a place where one will find a lot of Jews. Prayerful or otherwise. Either usage is blipping correct, as the dictionary would (prayerfully) say.
A person in the Netherlands requested that I find out where the "Messianic Rabbi" who wrote the blipping epistle got his smicha.
I suspect that the "Messianic Rabbi" got his smicha from Amazon or E-Bay, and I do not wish to question the "Messianic Rabbi" about it, as I fear he would take that as a sign of life. Where there is life, there is hope. And where there is hope, there is always the chance of a sucker.. I mean 'a conversion' .....
I would probably never get rid of him, and he would mention me by name in every subsequent e-mail lecture, asking the congregation to pray for my salvation - "bruddas and sistas, please pray for the immoral soul of the apikorus Blipblip son of Blipblip, that he may recover from his painful ailment of wrong-headedness and prayerfully accept the word of Blipblip the son of Blipblip...".
The statement that the congregation of Beis blippim was like the one 'back in Antioch, with Jews & Gentiles worshiping Ixtipoo the way he desires', got just one comment: "Dang! Cal the exterminators, maw, there's varmints in the house of goyzes!"
Well blip, that just about prayerfully says it all.
DON'T PANIC
There is a very sweet looking woman of an age which would be most unsuitable friends and acquaintances would be shocked oh my yes we didn...
9 comments:
Once again, time to dust of Mel Brooks, HISTORY OF THE WORLD PART 1:
"The Auto Da Fe, what's the Auto Da Fe?"
"It's what ya oughtn't to do, but ya do anyway!"
Maybe I am being dense, but what does Auto da Fe have to do with this?
Leah Kleim's stats on her blog are way down and she's desperate for something to help her raise her stats.
First she tried to pose nude photos of herself.
That didn't work because she is quite ugly, tattooed with G-d name on her back side, and cheap looking fake tits in the front.
Not to mentioned that the insides of her arms, are as ugly as hell, being that she is a self-mutilated CUTTER.
She then resorted to posting generic porn on her blog, of the lowest grade but even that didn't help her stats.
Since her body is so fat, ugly, tattooed and mutilated by cutting, she decided to get herself painted with flowers, in hopes that the flowers will cover up for the ugliness of her natural body.
She even has a video online on her blog called Leah Kleim Tits and Flowers.
Why the Tits?
Because Sex Sells (Leah, hasn't got any real Brains, or anything else, to sell, except her fake tits) and she desperately needs her stats to go up.
But why the flowers to cover up her tits?
Because her tits are SO FAKE and ugly, no one would look at them unless it's covered up with flowers, so the beauty of the flowers will cover for the ugliness of her fake tits.
Leah is a child, which desperately needs, lots of attention to survive.
Even if you think Leah is ugly, please visit her blog, anyway, so she can get her desperately needed attention before she resorts to doing something much worse.
She regularly says she wants to commit suicide, but hasn't the IQ, to quite figure out, just how to do it, successfully and has failed, every time she tried, so far.
Maybe I am being dense, but what does Auto da Fe have to do with this?
Sending some one who is clearly heading AWAY from Christianity an messianic message that tries to get people outsiders INTO Christianity is an 'act of faith' - blind, insane, bugger-all-the-unbelievers faith.
In addition to the perversity of the message itself.
Also in several ways the equivalent of taking action against Judaizers.
Let me rephrase that - this time without the errors:
Sending some one who is clearly heading AWAY from Christianity a messianic message that tries to get - outsiders INTO Christianity is an 'act of faith' - blind, insane, bugger-all-the-unbelievers faith.
In addition to the perversity of the message itself.
Also in several ways the equivalent of taking action against Judaizers.
I thought you were talking about the more traditional meaning
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auto_da_fe
I got an email from one of the mail order diploma people that was also offering smicha.
KR
I'll say a prayer for you!
Pour moi, c'est un réel succès. Je suis preneuse.
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