AUTO DA FE

Seeing as I'm a fairly curious person, I have ended up on the mailing lists and in the e-mail address books of quite a number of people and organizations.


Consequently, I am "blessed" with any number of strange or disturbing e-mails.


I get Viagra spam, Cialis spam, and other bloat-yer-pork spam on a daily basis. It is widely known that I need a loan, diet pills, and phone sex. Several people out there think that I am bald and/or female. Others think that I have a huge discretionary income that I am dispensing madly in every direction like a whore with a spray-bottle of cootch-away. Oh boy.

[In case you didn't know, I am indeed both bald and female. Yes. And I'm also blessed with a duplicate set of needy naughty bits, and tonnes of money. Yes. If you are interested in corresponding, please contact me by entering your name and credit-card number in the comments field. Yes.]


However, as of this morning, in every single one of my e-mail accounts, I am the puzzled recipient of what may very well be the mother lode of stark raving bonkers.



An e-mail from a congregation of Jews for Jiziz.


An e-mail that asks me to prayerfully stand by.


An e-mail which asks: "It’s crunch time and final exams are on us, are you ready?"




Aaaarrrrgh, I had no idea there was going to be a test!

So, like any contestant, I decided to cheat. I e-mailed several friends for answers. The results so far have been gratifying (and I expect I'll get a few more after shabbes).


Several writers used words that can only be represented by blip or blipblip. And suggested that messianics were blipping blip. And blipped.


One writer reacted by asking me if I had flipped a bloody bead, what was I, nuts!!!?!? A groise pervert???!?!
Another stated that after reading the forwarded e-mail, he felt like washing his eyes with lye-soap and boiling water.
A third suggested that the sin of forwarding the e-mail could only be assuaged by reciting one hundred Hail Marvins ("Hail Marvin, just full of it, a veritable load is with thee....").


The 'prayerful' appeal for funds, which stated that no gift was too large or too small, received much feedback.
Mostly to the effect that a negative sum was in order. To match exactly the ministry's blessedness as considered by the donator. Prayerfully. And blip.


One person was (prayerfully) baffled by the statement that crunch time and final exams coincided.
I guess what that means is that it is time for an energy bar - but your dentist will take one look at your teeth and tell you to stop eating that crap. Prayerfully.


Regarding the name of the organization (Beis Goyim), a reader on the other side of the bay wrote: "I like the name "Beth Narishkite" better."
It struck me that both names suggest the United Nations more than they do a place where one will find a lot of Jews. Prayerful or otherwise. Either usage is blipping correct, as the dictionary would (prayerfully) say.


A person in the Netherlands requested that I find out where the "Messianic Rabbi" who wrote the blipping epistle got his smicha.

I suspect that the "Messianic Rabbi" got his smicha from Amazon or E-Bay, and I do not wish to question the "Messianic Rabbi" about it, as I fear he would take that as a sign of life. Where there is life, there is hope. And where there is hope, there is always the chance of a sucker.. I mean 'a conversion' .....
I would probably never get rid of him, and he would mention me by name in every subsequent e-mail lecture, asking the congregation to pray for my salvation - "bruddas and sistas, please pray for the immoral soul of the apikorus Blipblip son of Blipblip, that he may recover from his painful ailment of wrong-headedness and prayerfully accept the word of Blipblip the son of Blipblip...".


The statement that the congregation of Beis blippim was like the one 'back in Antioch, with Jews & Gentiles worshiping Ixtipoo the way he desires', got just one comment: "Dang! Cal the exterminators, maw, there's varmints in the house of goyzes!"



Well blip, that just about prayerfully says it all.