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WAR ON CHRISTMAS 2007 BEGINS
Tupelo, Mississippi -- Protestors staged a rowdy demonstration outside the palatial mansion that conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly shares with his partner reverend Donald Wildmon today, burning red and green muppets in order to draw attention to the overt Christmasization of American commerce at this time of year. "There is something good and godless about American business", said spokesperson John Wildwood of the American Heathen Association, "and here these bozos seek to inject a totally unnecessary element of religion into the biggest secular holiday since Saturnalia".
Police estimated the crowd at hundreds of thousands, and struggled to keep the atheists from being assaulted by gangs of outraged Mississippians, eager to express their religious fervor with the violence sanctioned by their faith.
KUMBAYA TIMES TWO
Hebron, Israel -- In a heartwarming scene reminiscent of the joyous crowds that filled the streets of Berlin after reunification, right-wing settlers and murderous Hamas supporters embraced each other and sang 'kumbaya' today, united in their efforts to make the Bush Administration's peace conference in Annapolis fail. Both sides admitted to "liking the status quo just fine, thank you very much", and wondered how they would survive the cut-off of funding by interested outside parties if the negotiations were successful.
"We rely on the Euries and Saudis for our bread and butter", exclaimed Abu Sharmutter, a Hamas activist - "most of us don't have any actual skills or education that would make us employable. We need violence in order to survive. I have nine kids - who will feed them if there is no more funding for terrorism?".
Shloime Speckberg, standing nearby, agreed - "if there is ever peace between us, I would have to get a real job instead of shnorring from American tourists on the thrill-trip of a lifetime. Lets face it, other than the frisson of visiting the territories, there ain't nuttin' here, it's a blasted dump".
Abu Sharmutter and Shloime Speckberg have agreed to meet every week to plan further outrages to safeguard each other's livelihood.
STUDENTS DEMAND FEWER HOURS
Leiden, The Netherlands - Thousands of students took to the streets on Monday to demand fewer hours in grammar and high schools and more obedient school staff. Marching through the streets of this ancient university town, the mass of under-age students showed their resolve by threatening pedestrians, breaking store windows, and chanting slogans supportive of Hamas ("Hamas, Hamas, alle Joden aan het gas!"), to the general bafflement of more educated segments of society. "What does an anti-Semitic soccer slogan have to do with schools?" asked Willemien Oudewyf as she ducked the barrage of eggs and empty soda cans while running for cover, "how on earth will gassing solve anything?". Echoing her confusion, another passerby angrily opined that the rowdy teenagers had no clue what the issues were, and were simply out to taunt their elders and betters, adding that they were all (expletive deleted) Morocans and other ill-mannered garbage.
Which, to this reporter nursing a black eye and wondering what had happened to his wallet, watch, and bicycle, certainly seemed to be the case.
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NOTE: Only one of these news-articles is actually based on real events. Only one. I'll leave you to guess which one. Please post your guess as a comment - there is no prize for being right, nor will you be rewarded.
9 comments:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7115847.stm
http://www.ed.nl/eindhovenstad/2220023/Scholierenacties-worden-grimmiger.ece
http://www.ed.nl/eindhovenstad/article2221408.ece
hmm, clearly the muppet-burning is the only real one. Damn heathens. :)
I go for number 3: striking Dutch scholars who don't want a 9th lessonhour. They seem to be successful.
Number 1 cannot be true. I've never been in America, but Christmas a secular holiday over there?, and a demonstration of hundreds of thousands?
Number 2 HEBRON: a right-wing settler embrazing Hamas? Blogmaster, I'll fast for the rest of 5768.
Abu Sharmutter?
A sharmutah is a rag, and by extension a woman of extremely loose morals. Abu means father (of...).
I let this particular cat out of the bag only because I do not want you to use the term over at Mike's place.... that would be very bad.
Instead, you might say 'Abu Shanab' (father of the moustache).
There is, in fact, an Arab family that uses Abu-Shanab as its name.
There is even (or was) a popular pizza joint by that name just inside the Yaffa gate in the Old City.
In case anyone was still wondering, the first item was sishfull thinking, the second wild fantasy. The third item was more-or-less based on actual events.
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