Dear 'best-left-unnamed',
Yes. To both. Yeshiva Chipass Emess West Coast is the hottest heavy metal band this side of the Alleghenies. Trust me.
The one and only Boropark Pyro asks if there is such a thing as a Modern Orthodox Yeshiva (see here: http://boroparkpyro.blogspot.com/2006/09/modern-orthodox-yeshiva.html ), and poses that "We need a place where people can go to do nothing but learn, intensively and seriously"
And remarkably, the response to his shaylah is the virtually the same.
Yes. To both. Yeshiva Chipass Emess West Coast is the hottest M.O. Yeshiva this side of the Alleghenies. Trust me.
Let me prove that be reproducing the latest issue of the weekly 'RABAM Commentary On Pinky Schmeckelstein' (Parshas Kee Suhvoh -- With The Commentary of the RABAM) below.
Please note that the small bold text is the commentary of the Rabam. The original shiur text by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein (sollst sein shtark und gazunt) is in large type, italics.
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PARSHAS KEE SUHVOH
Ki Savo, the seventh parsha in this Seyfer. The title means "when you enter". Taken together with the previous parsha it’s a mess, but even more so by itself. Better you should read it in between some light TV – we suggest ‘Di Taglishes Sho’ with Rav Yonosson Stevartabam.
Psookim 26:1 through 29:8.
‘When you enter’, as title, contrast with the name of the previous parsha, Kee Saitzay, ‘when you exit’.
"When you enter, do not wake the owner" (Chiddushei Baal Ha Turetz).
This week's Parsha, Parshas Kee Suhvoh, features the most acidic chapter in the entire Toiras Moishe: the Toichecha, or Rebuke, in which Moishe Rabbeinu lays out the negative consequences of Klal Yisroel disobeying the Rebboinoisheloilum. The punishments include death, insanity, poverty, exile, children taken away from parents, and significantly higher taxes.
The Toichecha = Quite unreadable. The admonitions and punishments. The nasty things that will happen if you do not obey, being like the fine print in a rental contract, which is why it is customarily read fast. A paradigm of boilerplate.
Let's be perfectly frank -- You do not want to go to shul this week to hear the parsha! Stay home, put your feet up, watch a pay-per- view, do a little mitzvah with your wife, do a little work in the garage, unstop the toilets, change the cat litter, clean for Pesach eight months early -- anything to not have to listen to this Parsha. And if you do you go to shul, bring plenty of reading material. I highly recommend the new issue of The Knish at (http://www.theknish.com/).
The Knish = All hail Bodek, without whom we have nothing to read during the Tocheicha.
Bulbelishes!
Of course, you should also re-read this vort from Y.C.E., as well as all previous gitteverter, but if you’re caught with it, everyone will know whence come your deep insights. Including that hard to impress yenta whose daughter you married.
Why, the stuff in this Parsha is so harsh, it can even get my mother-in-law to stop talking for a few minutes, Imirtza Hashem.
Imirtza Hashem = Im yirtze Hashem: Aimishteh willing - with the help of the Aimishte. The phrase ‘be ezras Hashem’ (with the help of the Aimishteh – Aimishteh willing) means virtually the same. Abbreviated respectively as IYH and B’H.
Mother-in-law = Mechutenista; Schviver. B’siyata de-shemaya you should have a better one. After all, there’s more than one kind of chicken soup in the sea.
A gemarra in Baba Metzia cites a Braisa in which Rabbi Akiva asks: Why is Hakkadoshboruchhu so damn angry at Klal Yisroel all the time? Rav Huna answers that when we were young, the Aimishteh once sent us to the store to buy eggs, but we never gave Him back all the change, and he has held a grudge ever since.
Gemarra = A term both singular and plural. In the plural it refers to the superstructure of Talmud, being sixty three masechtes (tractates, volumes) of Aramaic commentary and discourse on the Mishna. In the singular it usually refers to the individual passages which encompass an entire chain of thought, such as back-story, historical incidents, and anecdotes, in addition to the margin scribbles of other students, and the phone numbers of hot shiksas.
Bava Metzia = The Middle Gate, one of three masechtes named Baba in the order of Nezikin (Damages). The other two are Bava Kamma (First Gate), and Bava Batra (Last Gate).
Originally they were combined into one very large gate, but as the Gemara for these gates in the Bavli are clearly edited by different redactors, the division into a triple-headed monster seems logical. Bava Metzia deals with resolving disputes, witness-oaths, possession, acquisition, transfer of title, loans, repossession, legal documents, and tithes.
Note: Metzia in Ivrit and Yiddish is NOT the same word, even though it looks identical. In Aramaic, middle; in Ivrit, a good find, and by extension of that meaning, in Yiddish, a bargain, a good purchase. Such a metzia = Such a bargain dearie.
Bava Kamma = First Gate: damages in several categories, liabilities, compensation.
Bava Batra = Last Gate: Land ownership, inheritance and succession, court transactions relating thereto, claims, relatives, disinheritances.
Nezikin = Damages. That order of the Talmud devoted to civil law (mostly), being the administration of justice, procedures and protocols, personal law, and a few crimes not covered elsewhere. Ten tractates: Bava Kamma (First Gate), Bava Metzia (Second Gate), Bava Batra (Last Gate), Sanhedrin (The Supreme Council), Makkot (Whippings), Shevuot (Oaths), Eduyot (Testimony), Avodah Zarah (Heathen Practices), Avot (Pirkei Avos - The Chapters or Ethics of the Fathers; Perek = chapter, Avos = fathers), Horayot (Decisions - mostly sin-offerings for Sanhedrinal error).
Rabbi Akiva = Talmudic noodge. A great scholar and teacher of the third century, student of Nahum of Gimtso, Rabbi Eliezer, and Rabbi Tarfon, who also are Talmudic noodges. He was sentenced to death by the Romans for teaching Torah to even more Talmudic noodges, and ripped to shreds with iron spikes as he recited the Shema Yisroel, expiring on the word 'echad' (one, signifying the unity of the divine).
Rav Huna = Another Talmudic noodge.
And are you really that fond of your mechutenista's jellied carp? You should visit Dovbear’s house for a proper boiled carp in jelly instead.
However, Rabbi Abba suggests that the Rebboinoisheloilum's anger is linked to the definition of the Jews being the "Chosen People." Rabbi Abba cites the traditional view of Shir HaShirim in which the male Hakkadoshboruchhu sees Klal Yisroel as the nation chosen to be His wife. And when a Jew is unfaithful and does something against a direct command, such as worshiping idols or eating fish and meat with the same plastic fork at a kiddush, He gives in to His uncontrollable jealous temper and smacks us around a bit. Rabbi Abba goes on to say that we really did deserve it, and promise not to tell the neighbors how we got our black eye, just He should please not do it ever again.
Chosen People = Because we said "we will do and we will listen" at Matan Toireh, thus becoming tied into a contractual relationship with the party of the ultimate first part. Hence we are chosen, as it says "asher bahar banu mi kol ha amim" (who has chosen us among all the peoples), and we are to be a priestly nation. However the status is conditional upon obedience, according to some authorities, and one might wonder what to make of our frequently not very favourable treatment by fate and the nations – being ‘chosen’ might not be an unalloyed blessing after all, choleelah.
Rabbi Abba = Talmudic noodge. Abba Shaul, a scholar quoted in Pirkei Avos (Chapters of the fathers), chapter two, psook 9: ‘He (R. Yochanan) used to say "If all the sages of Israel were to be on one side of a balance-scale, and Eliezer Ben Hyrkanos were on the other, he would tip them all. Abba Shaul said, in his (namely R. Yochanan Ben Zakkai’s) name "If all the sages of Israel were to be on one side of a balance-scale, Eliezer Ben Hyrkanos also, and Elazar Ben Arach were on the other, he would tip them all".’
This was said in reference to Yochanan Ben Zakkai's five famous students: Rabbi Eliezer Ben Hyrkanos, Rabbi Joshua Ben Chanania, Rabbi Yossei Ha Kohen, Rabbi Shimon Ben Netanel and Rabbi Elazar ben Arach. Who were Talmudic noodges.
Rabbi Abba was the scribe to whom Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai dictated the Zohar before his death, expiring at nightfall on the thirty-third day of the Omer (thirty three days after Peysach). It is said that to allow Rabbi Yochanan to finish dictating, the sun stood still, refusing to set, for so long that fire burst out all around the house where Rabbi Yochanan and his talmedim were gathered. When the last word was written down, a brilliant glow enveloped the building, and Rabbi Yochanan returned his soul to his maker. And the sun set.
Shir HaShirim = The Song of Songs, which is Solomon’s. One of the most exciting pieces of poetry ever. Lush, lyrical, intoxicating, a veritable fandango of erotic imagery. Oh my rebbele!
I’ll never think of fruit the same way again. Neither should you.
Particularly, bananas.
Rabbi Abba quotes a beautiful medrish that says that in the heavenly realm of the Aimishteh, where He sits on His throne of fire surrounded by angels playing harps, violins, flutes and accordions, as the human world recites this Parsha once a year, after each passuk (verse) the Rebboinoisheloilum responds "One of these days Alice, one of these days! POW, right in the kisser!"
Medrish = A derivational example, often in narrative or simile format.
Accordions = Polka if you’re bad, Cajun dances if you’re good. North Korean hymns if you’ve been truly awful. Which reminds me – why does she STILL make p’tcha? Horrible jiggly boiled down cattle-feet gelée. Yakkes!
Rava disagrees. He suggests that indeed Klal Yisroel was chosen, but not as a wife. Rather, we were chosen to be a pet dog. And just like a pet dog, we require discipline whenever we go on the carpet. And we shouldn't complain, because if He ever really tires of us we might get dropped off at the local pound. Or even worse, sold to a Korean restaurant.
Rava = Talmudic noodge. The study companion and successor to Abaya (a Talmudic noodge) as head of the academies in Bavel Born circa 270 CE, died 350 CE.
Korean restaurant = Great food, but truly horrible taste in music. Accordions. Socialist-hero of the working class pep-rally marches. High pitched kinderlech singing old-style soviet lieder, and revolutionary paeans to the great immortal leader, ill sung. A fate worse than death.
A fate worse than death? Her lokshn kugel! If you don’t have another helping, tocheicha, tocheicha, tocheicha!
Abaye agrees that we are like pets. However, he suggests that we are more like a pet goldfish. We are surrounded by other fish, some larger and some smaller. We get fed once a day if we're lucky. We have little or no real interaction with our benefactor. Other fish are constantly nipping at out tailfins. There is poop on the bottom of the tank and algae building up on the walls. The filter breaks down once in a while. And the best we can hope for is that at the end of 120 years we will die a natural death and be flushed down the toilet. Says Abaye, this Parsha is the best reason yet to convert to Catholicism. The only reason he doesn't is because he would rather have someone nipping at his tails than fondling his fins, if you know what I mean.
Abaye = Talmudic noodge. Study-partner of Rava (see above), one of the greatest of Amoraim (Talmudic noodges), head of the academies at Sura and at Pumbedita, who dwelt in Ma’ozah on the Tigris. Died 338 C.E.
Rava and Abaya = Nudzhein Ha Talmudeinu.
Catholicism = An all-embracing and yet all-excluding religion known by Ollandim as the tofel emunah (the ‘old religion’), because so many of the first Yidden in the Netherlands were refugees from Spain and Portugal, where they had been forced to convert. It is a religion with some bizarre rituals – white smoke means "we have another pontiff", black smoke means "we’re burning down the Gran’ Esnoga, again". Pax vobiscum.
Ollandim = Netherlandish Jews. In 1593, over twenty years after the Netherlands rebelled against the Spanish king Philip (who had inherited the united provinces), ten families fleeing Spain landed in Holland, and learned from Mozes Oerie Asjkenazie (Rabbi Moishe Uri, a Rabbi from Germany) that while the Dutch were suspicious of Spaniards, they were not so about Jews. Upon his advice, they took lodging in Amsterdam, and shortly afterwards all the males underwent Bris Millah, with the oldest of them, Don Jacob Tirado, going first.
Within months, their numbers had been augmented by other Iberian refugees, and that autumn the new community observed Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur in a safety that they had not enjoyed in Spain in generations.
Within a decade, in 1602, they built a synagogue which they named Beit Jacob after the man who had taken them up from Spain.
More synagogues followed - Neve Shalom was founded between 1608 and 1612, Beit Israel in 1618. The Grand Synagogue (the ‘Esnoga' or 'Gran' Esnoga') was built between 1671 and 1675.
A similar pattern occurred in Rotterdam, when Abraham De Pinto (Don Gyl Lopes Pinto, born Lisbon 1588, died Rotterdam 1668) fled from Antwerp with his entire family and his dependents to the north in 1647, and converted back to the faith of his ancestors.
Less than three years later the Yesiba De Los Pintos was inaugurated in Rotterdam, with Chacham Josiau Pardo (son of David Pardo, and grandson of Yoseph Pardo, chief Rabbi of Amsterdam) as Ros Yesiba.
Like Jacob Tirado, Abraham De Pinto was a converso nobleman whose family had fled to Portugal when the heat of the inquisition became too fierce in Spain. And like Jacob Tirado, he brought wealth plus business skills and commercial relationships with him when he came, having prepared his escape over a period of many years.
In the centuries following, more synagogues were built, printing presses founded, Rabbis educated (among them Menasseh Ben Israel (Manoel Dias Soeiro), 1604 - 1657). At the height of the community there were nearly five thousand Dutch Sefardim, at present a scant eight hundred.
In addition to the Esnoga, one other Sefardic treasure of note remains in the Netherlands, namely the Ets Haim library (which contains also the Livraria Montezinos, being the private library of David Montezinos, donated to Ets Haim in 1889), which is in the Esnoga complex, and was part of Yesiba Ets Haim (Academia Y Yesiba Ets Haim, fundado en 1616). It is one of the world’s great book collections. Six incunabula, five hundred original manuscripts and over thirty-thousand printed books, on many subjects, in over a dozen languages.
In relation to Ets Haim (the tree of life, as the Torah is to all who cleave to her), it is appropriate to quote visitors to Amsterdam who were amazed by the freedom enjoyed by Jews there, and the brazen effrontery represented by so splendid a building as the Esnoga.
Let us start with the Papal Nuncio of Cologne, Lazaro Opizio Palavicino, who wrote: "Fra i nuovi edificii, viddi la synagoga degl’Hebrei, fabrica veramente magnifica e della quale non è degna quella gente vile" (between the new buildings I saw the synagogue of the Jews, truly magnificent, and which so odious a people do not deserve). A pox on his name.
The next is Rector Johannes Schudt of Frankfurt, who wrote as follows: "Eine allzu grosse Juden Freyheit in Holland is es, dasz man denen Juden verstattet, so gar kostbahre magnifique Synagogen zu bauen, die selbige noch als Gottes Haus lobet" (a too great freedom in Holland is, that they permit the Jews to build a maginificently expensive Synagogue, that even may represent the house of G-d).
He continues "Es setzet uns billig in die gröste verwunderung, is aber auch recht schändlich und unchristlich, dasz gar Christen für die Juden Freyheit gesucht, solche synagog erbauen dürffen" (It easily causes us the greatest wonderment, being however downright scandalous and unchristian, that even Christians should have sought for the Jews the freedom to dare build such a synagogue). It was his opinion that the officials of Amsterdam were a disgrace, and degeneratim for permitting such an affront. A pox on his name.
On the other hand, an Italian nobleman, Guido De Bovio, who visited Amsterdam in 1677, had nothing but praise for the synagogue, describing it as splendid building, well designed, and full of light, which he delighted in visiting. His name remains fragrant.
The final word on the Esnoga, deservedly, goes to the engraver Romeyn de Hooghe, who kvelled:
"Dits ‘t leerhuys van de Wet, ‘t gebeedenhuys der Jooden,
Een bouwmans meesterstuck, de eer van ‘t nieuwe werck ,
Aan d’Aemstel en het Y; dees Godt gewyede Kerck ,
Vreest geen gewetensdrang, noch pijnigen noch dooden.
Wast eedle Juddaestam en laet uw looten bloeyen ,
Wat doet de kracht van ‘t land als burgers aenwas groeyen."
[‘This is the academy of the Law, the prayer house of the Jews, An architect’s masterpiece, and pride of the new projects At the Amstel and Y (rivers); this sanctified kirk Fears no forced faith, nor torture, nor killings. Wax, noble trunk of Judah’s tribe, and let your new growth flower, That shall strengthen the country as her citizens thrive.’]
Sefardim from Spain (and Portugal and Livorno, where many of the Sefardim had originally sought refuge) were not the main, just the first Jewish population in the Netherlands.
Shortly after the Sefardim established themselves in Mokum Alef (Amsterdam), Ashkenazim from Germany flocked in, primarily to get away from the sumptuary laws, residential restrictions, and vile treatment that was traditional in Germany as regards Jews. The first Ashkenazic synagogue in Amsterdam was founded in 1635.
Even so, real equality had to wait till the Napoleonic era, though the House of Orange (ancient princely family of the Netherlands, hereditary stadtholders from the fifteenth to the nineteenth century, monarchs since 1815) consistently over-ruled local government when some city fathers sought to keep Jews out (which did not prevent certain cities whose legal ties to the Princes of Orange was 'ally' rather than 'subject' from restricting them). The States General had generally legislated tolerance, but left it up to the cities and states to 'enforce' same.
By the end of the seventeenth century most Jews in the Netherlands were Ashkenazim, in proportions that, roughly speaking, have been maintained ever since – over 90 percent Ashkenazim, scarcely 3 percent Sephardim. The remainder? Mixtures of differing Jewish background, plus mixtures of Jew and Gentile.
Most Jews lived in the Amsterdam - Rotterdam axis (about 80%), with the largest block outside being in Groningen and Drenthe provinces.
A noteworthy development in many places was the gradual take-over of Jewish institutions by Ashkenazim, especially as the easterners rose in social class, and the Sefardim faded in proportion and prominence. In some areas, synagogues were fought over for three or four generations or more. In Naarden, for instance, the Ashkenazim formed their own 'illegal' synagogue (the Sefardim had the only permit, and were the officially acknowledged leaders of the community there), and by the time the last absentee keepers of the keys (Joseph Teixeira de Mattos Henriques de Castro, David Henriques de Castro, Rachel Henriques de Castro, and Hanna Henriques de Castro, having succeeded Abraham van David Teixeira de Mattos) yielded their authority over the main synagogue (Beit Shalom) in 1885 it was nearly two centuries later, the ceiling had partially caved in, the walls were mildewed, the Ark had many years since been removed for safekeeping, and there were only about half a dozen resident members of the Sefardic kehilla left.
Another odd development were the so-called marginal or bog-Jews (similar to the hedge-Christians during the Spanish oppression): unregistered to any kehal (and so not paying any fees or dues), who, to the local Gentiles, were often just ‘those folks who don't go to our church'. Some of these were so utterly unconnected with any officially constituted Jewish bodies that a fair number were 'under the radar' during the war years. An old friend of the RABAM’s family named Chaim was birth-registered as Harry, because local officials did not know what a 'Chaim' was... Same situation with uncle Henry, also Chaim, who like Harry also survived those years under Gentile colours.
The middle class provincial Jews, however, who formed the link between the bog-Jews and the wider Jewish Oilam, were largely extinguished during the Shoah, and with their disappearance, many of the surviving marginal Jews disappeared from Jewish radar entirely.
In 1945, barely twenty percent of the Jewish population of the Netherlands (over 140 thousand in the nineteen-thirties, approximately thirty-thousand in 1945) had survived the war; they returned to communities which did not recognize them, and which were not particularly happy to see them back (as their betrayers often had survived the war unscathed, and many people at all levels of society had profited from the destruction that befell the Jews). There are now approximately 45 thousand Jews in the Netherlands, of whom 35 thousand can be said to be unquestionably Jewish, with the remaining ten thousand being mixed, mostly vader joods (father-Jewish).
On September 29th, 2005, the Dutch Railway Company officially apologized for having fully co-operated with the Germans in the deportation Dutch Jews. It was because of their efficiency, professionalism, and sheer dedication that the Germans could boast that the destruction of Dutch Jewry happened with greater ease than was the case anywhere else. It couldn’t have been done without them.
Thanks for the apology, dudes.
It’s a little late.
Ma’ase shehaya, kach haya (a tale that happened, as follows): Many years ago, on a wintry Friday evening, a family in Den Haag has one of the kids keep an eye out for a passerby to ask to stoke the stove for them (though it is beastly cold, shabbes-melacha is out of the question). A very dignified looking gentleman comes strolling down the street, is asked in, the situation explained, and the request made. Of course he will light the stove for them, with pleasure! When he has done so, they thank him, and as was customary give him an apple for his 'labour', asking his name at the same time.
He introduces himself, and hands them his card, on which can be read that their shabbes goy is a chief justice - and, coincidentally, a fellow Jew!
Jacob Tirado = Original name: Guimes Lopes Da Costa. He is described in correspondence as "Al muy illustre senyor Jacob Tyrado, parnas de la naçion Portuguese que reside en esta muy noble y opulenta villa de Amstradama" (The greatly illustrious gentleman Jacob Tirado, administrator of the Portugese nation, residing in the very noble and rich city Amsterdam). It should be remembered that ‘nation’ in those days did not have the connotation it has today, but referred to ethnic or national group, often residing among other such groups, much like tongue (lingua) could mean the speakers of a particular language in the armies of kings.
Commenting on this Gemarra, Reb Saadya Goyn offers a completely different interpretation. He suggests that the Rebboinoisheloilum would never threaten Klal Yisroel with such hostility as we read in this Parsha. And neither would Moishe. Rather, it was the fault of one of Moishe's speechwriters. Moishe told him, "hey, I gotta make a speech, and make it dark." Moshe was referring to adding in some elements that would appeal to his constituency in the olive skinned tribe of Naphtali. But the speechwriter thought he meant thematically dark, and the rest is history. (Meyla, this is the same writer who, years earlier, when told by Moishe that he had seen a burning bush in the desert, thought that Moishe was telling him that he had spotted a hot red head skinny dipping at an oasis.)
Saadya Goyn = Rabbeinu Saadya Ben Yosef (Said Ibn Yusuf El-Fayyumi, 892 - 942), a philosopher, grammarian, linguist, and rosh yeshiva(and Talmudic noodge) from Egypt, who settled in Baghdad. The book he is probably best know for is the Kitab Al-Amanat W’al Itikadat - The Book of Doctrines & Beliefs, known in Hebrew as Sefer Ha Emunot Ve Ha Deot.
He is also largely remembered for ripping the Karaites another one.
Naphtali = A tribe with a reputation for aggressiveness, sprung from the loins of Yakov and Rachel’s slave Bilhah. Naftali derives from patal – wrestle. But note that there are words that suggest tar, oil, and foreign origins that have similar sounds. Hence, perhaps, a reference to skin-pigmentation or hue. But this is speculative.
Regarding Bilhah, know also that Reuven lost his rights when he "yishkav et Bilhah" (‘(And) he lay TO Bilhah’), rather than "yishkav im Bilhah" (‘(and) he lay WITH Bilhah’). In this non-standard construction we may read a euphemism for rape. And perversion, because of the family relationship. Disgusting little man.
Meyla = An expression indicating a result, or a premise that is irrelevant to the main statement. But which might nevertheless be of interest. Frequently used to give back-story data.
Hot red-head skinny dipping at an oasis = Oooh! Got to take a break!
.
.
.
Back now. Better much.
The RAMBAM takes a completely separate approach. He suggests that indeed Hakkadoshboruch did mean to make the threats as written. And the reason He takes such a tough stand is that he is obviously a Republican. Look at the facts: He is tough on Law and Order, He takes a no-compromising stand against the Babylonians, and He favors using the death penalty as frequently as possible. Sums up the RAMBAM: the Aimishteh wants us to stop behaving like "stiff-necked Israelite Girly-men."
The RAMBAM = Talmudic noodge, post-Amoraic era. Rabbi Moishe Ben Maimon (1135 - 1204), a doctor from Cordova who moved to Cairo to get away from the harshness then prevalent in Moorish Spain. He wrote about everything under the sun, is the author of one of the most authoritative listings of commandments and the explanations for same: the ‘Sefer HaMitzvos’, but is probably most famous for his Halachic works, of which the Mishneh Torah (the Restatement of the Law) is one. Surely the noodge she be noodgim.
The RASHBAM disagrees, suggesting that the RAMBAN had probably taken to sampling items in his medicine bag when no one was looking. The RASHBAM holds farkert -- the Rebboinoisheloilum is actually a card carrying Democratic. As proof he points to the key social legislation mentioned elsewhere in this week's Parsha:
-- The insistence that we care for orphans and widows, that we set aside a portion of our Maiser, our tithing, for their benefit (Welfare? In the Toirah? Am I reading this correctly?);
-- The concern for the integrity of the legal system (What's pshat you can't give a bribe?); -
- The recognition and care that we grant to the Gair, the non- Israelite/ non-Jewish resident who lives among us.
Rashbam = Rabbi Shmuel Ben Meier(1083 or 1085 - 1174), a farmer in northern France, brother of Rabbeinu Tam (Rabbi Yakov Ben Meyer, 1100 - 1170) and the Ribam (Rabbeinu Yitzhak Ben Meier, also called the Rivam, which in addition to being an acceptable acronymic, also means ‘battle, as in ‘ravta et rivam" – and then you "fought their battles", from the prayer Al Ha Nisim (For The Miracles), recited on Chanuka and Purim), and one of the Tosafist greats. He studied under his grandfather Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yitzhok, 1040 - 1105).
Ger, Gair = The foreigner or stranger. One who, provided he commits no offense, has the right to safety and protection. What resident Gentile’s are in relation to Judah.
That’s ‘ger’, NOT mechutenista.
The RASHBAM concludes that the harsh words of the Toichecha simply point out once again that, at the end of the day, Hakkadoshboruchhu is a "pessimistic flip-flopper." To back up his point, the RASHBAM cites a medrish which says that the Aimishteh didn't even split the sea during the exodus from Egypt -- It split through natural causes, but He has tried to claim credit ever since.
Both archeology and geologic evidence indicate that the sea in question was hardly half a foot deep at that time. The miracle? That, in effect, the Egyptians drowned in a bath-tub.
But was it reed sea or red sea?
In Ivrit, both words sound as similar as they do in English. Reed sea suggests a marsh through which heavy chariots could not go. Heavily armed cavalry would have sunk into the mud, much like that Spanish army which sank beneath the water and muck of the Malpy Fens between Valkenswaard and Achel (the natives subsequently built a cloistery near the site, possibly to keep the Spaniards down).
However, the Moireh Nevuchim has a much simpler answer. LeOilum, he holds that the Rebboinoisheloilum did make all the threats mentioned in the Toichecha. And the reason that Hakkadoshboruchhu speaks so harshly is simply because He is an anti-Semite. Let's examine the facts: He asks us to do the impossible and complains when we cannot achieve it; He treats us differently than He treats others; He singles us out for persecution; He casts us into exile and then gets angry when we assimilate; He gives us a geopolitical conundrum and places obstacles at every potential solution.
Moreh Nevuchim = The Guide for the perplexed, by Rav Moishe Ben Maimon of Cordoba. Es iz a sehr bavuste sefer, oyf elegantes lashoin, perhaps the most bakante sefer the Rambam ever wrote. Don’t wait for the movie.
In short, the Aimishteh is an anti-Semite. He doesn't like Jews with our hook noses and penny counting, the horns on our heads, our control of the media, or our aspiration for setting up a world government. He in particular is angry at us for rejecting Christ, Mohammed, the Buddha, the Hindu Pantheon, and L. Ron Hubbard.
Rejecting Christ, Mohammed, Buddha, and all those other noodges, etc. = Would THEY have eaten that lokshn kugel either? I don’t think so. In-edible! Not even Moishe Rabbeeno would. He slaughtered Midian because of it, or something. So the question, ‘why is HE raggin’ on US’, is legit. Inquiring minds want to know.
He’s got issues maybe?
Nebech.
I am reminded of a famous story about the Dubner Maggid. One Shabbos afternoon he sat in shul surrounded by both children and adults as he regaled them for three hours with inspirational stories of the great sages, and shared wise parables that explained the cosmic, loving relationship between the Rebboinoisheloilum and Klal Yisroel. At one point a five year old boy asked him, "But mister Maggid, if Hakkadoshboruchhu loves the Jews so much, why must we spend our lives in exile?"
Dubner Maggid = Yakov Ben Wolf Kranz of Dubno (1741 – 1804), an itinerant preacher who illuminated his discourse ad nauseum with meshalim (parables and homilies).
As we head towards the days of awe (from Rosh Hashana to Yom Kippur), I am reminded of a story my holy ancestor the Rebbe of Prolicz heard from the Dubner Maggid, as follows: Yankel, a poor peasant, was forced to move to a large city to pursue his livelihood. As he and his wife were busy unpacking their possessions at their new abode, a local official dropped by, and Yankel invited him in, asking his wife to make something tasty for the important man, and pulling out his last bottle of GlenMorangie to give him a drink. For two hours, the official ate, drank, and conversed with these new residents of the ward, and left at last looking wel-fed, tiddly, and ever so pleased.
A neighbor across the street, having observed much from his front stoop, figured that he would also enjoy a free lunch off these yokels. So, putting on his best clothes, he crosses the street, knocks at the door, and introduces himself, welcoming Yankel "in the name of the gonze gasse". "How nice", says Yankel, "a sheynem dank, have a nice day yourself", and turns to go back inside. "Aren’t you going to ask me in?" says the neighbor. "Sorry", says Yankel, "it is quite late, and we still have much to do, perhaps another time". And slams the door.
A few years later, Yankel has to appear before the local tax commission. Alas, the freeluncher is one of the commissioners. The case drags on a few weeks, and one day, as the freeluncher passes by Yankel’s house, Yankel rushes out, and frantically invites him in, putting delicacies and some very nice Balvenie 24 year old in front of the man. "Well", says the man, "this is quite a change from a few years ago, when you wouldn’t even give me the time of day…, and now all of a sudden I’m worthy of the same hospitality as that official?"
"Of course", says Yankel, "A few years ago you were just a schmuck looking for a free lunch. Now, however, I need you on my side. So please, eat, drink, enjoy yourself, and be sure to remember me favourably when the time comes to decide my case."
And so it is with us, at Rosh Hashana and Yoim Kipper - Be sure to remember us favourably when the time comes.
"Why must we spend our lives in exile" = The Rebbe of Prolicz used to explain this with another mashal: Reb Yussele the landlord used to drop by the McGuires every Saturday evening to have a drop whiskey, all friendly-like, and to scope out lovely Colleen. Old Mrs. McGuire, not at all stupid, realized that the landlord would make a fine son-in-law, and took every opportunity to highlight the charms of her daughter. A roaring fire in the grate to encourage Colleen to dress lightly, bright candles to show off the creamy skin on her well-turned arms and the golden glints in her luxurious hair, and a nice comfy chair near the hearth for Reb Yussele to sit in, angled just ever so.
After several months, the inevitable happens. Fair Colleen McGuire becomes Mrs. Yussele Oleiristein. And at this point, the hospitality at ‘chez McGuires’ changes radically. No more turf on the fire. Only one small candle when it’s dark. A rickety old chair in the draft near the door, instead of the comfy fauteuil near the hearth. And the whiskey stops flowing! Finally Reb Yussele can’t stand it any longer, and asks her why she’s treating him so mean. "Because", says Mrs. McGuire, "You married the bitch".This week's parsha makes one wonder if this is how the Reboinoisheloilum feels about us sometimes.
At that, the Dubner Maggid stopped speaking. After a long, uncomfortable pause, he replied in a very low voice that was almost a whisper, "Oh damn. I never thought of that one." The very next day he shaved his long beard and opened up a shoe store.
Indeed, this week's Parsha highlights the complexity of religion and the price of faith. While some view their faith, and its rewards, with the cup half full, other view them as half empty. However, I think that they are both wrong. If you look at the chapter of the Toichecha, Perek Chuff Chess in Devarim, only the first 14 (of 68) Pesukim talk about the potential rewards of faithfullness. However, the VAST majority -- the next 54 Pesukim -- speak in aweful detail of the potential punishments. So, rounding out the numbers, one should either see the cup at one fifth full, or four fifths empty. I personally don't like 5 to 1 odds against, so I suggest we look at betting on a different horse.
54 Pesukim = The same number as there are Parshas. This isn’t a coincidence. One potentially awful smacking for each and every oversight. You really should read more.
5 to 1 =The perfect proportions for a Manhattan cocktail: Five parts Bourbon, one part Noilly Pratt, shaken over ice, with a twist of lemon peel.
A Maraschino cherry, in lieu of a twist, is common, but suggests gender ambivalence, and is not our minhag.
Perhaps it is yours.
Damn’ hippie.
Ah gutten Shabbos, you Minuval.
-----Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
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ADDENDUM: SEPTEMBER - OCTOBER 2006:
For those of you who are not zoiche to live near Yeshivas Chipas Emmess West Coast, here are the important dates for September and October, which WILL be observed by the West Coast campus. You’re so lucky we tell you these things.
Erev Rosh HaShana: Friday September 22nd. * Rosh HaShana: Saturday September 23rd.. * Fast of Gedalia: Monday September 25th. * Erev Yom Kippur: Sunday October 1st. * Yom Kippur: Monday October 2nd.. * Erev Sukkos: Friday October 6th. * Sukkos: Saturday October 7th. * Chol Ha Moed Sukkos: Sunday October 8th through Friday Ocober 13. * Hoshana Raba: Friday October 13th. * Shmini Atzeres, Simchas Toirah, Hairy Hassid Dancing Day: Saturday October 14th. * Isru Chag Sukkos: Sunday October 15th. * Chag Ha Levine: Tuesday October 31st. *
You will note that three different events are scheduled for Saturday October 14th. What are the chances?!? Get a good night’s sleep. We expect you to be zrizusdik.
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Further note: Hoshanna Raba coincides with the Rabam's birthday this year. I happen to know that he is hoping for a nicely bound set of Shas from the Talmedim this time - you all remember what a disaster last year's birthday was, and how we had to shoot the horse (and mention of the horse was ONLY an expression, fercrapsakes!). And you'll perhaps also recall that following that Purim debacle he had to hock his other set of Shas to cover bail.
So make it happen, you behaymas!
And some chocolate cake. The Rabam particularly likes chocolate cake. Which he didn't have any of last year on his gaburtztog, it being yoim kipper and all.
Chocolate cake is a mitzvah.
A sheynem dank foroys.
Final note: Actually, it isn't 'the latest' - it's simply last year's shiur, with some very minor updates. We see no reason to fix it if it ain't broken, and the terms of our probation require us to stay at least three hundred feet away from computers and their fragile little insecure mechanical egos. Or something.
Dense Goyishe legalese you expect me to read?
Are you nuts already?
3 comments:
OMG man you write soooo mucccchhhhh
Torah — both serious and tongue-in-cheek — and Dutch Jewish history, and recipes, and heavy metal too!
That is the minneg of the Rebbe of Prolicz. Didn't you know?
What's a cheese doodle?
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