DAM, DAM, DIDDY DIDDY DAM DAM

[In which we learn that Gallitziyaners are hot, and get the distinct impression that the Rabam needs to get out of San Francisco before next Simches Torah (and the happy dancing with the hairy men).]


Because the Knitter of Shiny things has a headache (see here: http://stillinthewoods.blogspot.com/2006/09/more-research.html) , this extract from the infamous unpublished sefer (Likoot-eye ha Yeshivas Chipass emess ) by the Rabam (a direct descendant of the Baal ha Turetz and the Rebbe of Prolicz) is presented below. It is more than a little bit smakeloos - you have been warned!


Excerpt:


NIDAH - ZIVAH - ZAVAH - MIKVAH
Undsoweiter.......


Nidah = Ritual impurity (tuma) of a woman during the menses, or after having given birth, and also the menstrual woman herself. It is defined by a discharge of blood (dam) from the female reproductive organ. Seven days from the moment the menses (dam nidah) start are nidah. Then follow eleven days of zivah (running or radiant flow - the clean and clear flow of menstrual blood after the uterine lining has been cast off. Any bleeding during zivah is dam zivah; the zivah woman is a zavah.

Shoyn. After ziva-zava comes a state of being tahor (pure).


But it is a different ball game after giving birth. After a boy, she is impure for seven days from when vaginal bleeding stops and until she goes to the Mikvah (ritual bath); after a girl, for fourteen days following the cessation of bleeding and until she goes to the Mikvah. But if she has given birth by Caesarian section and there has been no vaginal bleeding, she need not wait the seven or fourteen days - she is considered to be clean (tahor). Please note that until the woman goes to the Mikvah she remains unclean, no matter what type of vaginal bleeding is involved.


Mikvah = Pool. In this context, a pool for the ritual cleaning or purifying of people (men also!) and things (cooking utensils!). Not just any puddle of water will do; it has to be Mayim Chayim - living water, meaning water that moves: river or lake water, streams, or pools of fresh rain water. It may however be 'augmented' by tap water. When making use of a Mikvah, a woman is supposed to immerse herself entirely without holding on to anything (lest that portion of the skin in contact with the support not be wet at the same time as the rest of her). Then the blessing (bracha) is recited: 'Blessed art thou O Lord our G-d, King of the Universe, Who has sanctified us by His Commandments and commanded us to perform the ritual immersion' (Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al ha-tevilah). Women MUST use a Mikvah, men MAY use a Mikvah, but are not obligated to do so. Both should wash themselves thoroughly and completely before entering the pool. Be especially careful of creepy men and of scholars with red kippot when using the mikvah.


Now, if all of this gives you a queasy feeling, tough. Thems the breaks. Experimenting with alternatives to heterosexual congress is frowned upon.


Which inevitably brings us to….......


MISHKAV ZACHAR!

It is written in Vayikra (Leviticus) 18:22 "V'et zachar lo tishkav mishkvei ishah to'evah hu” (And with a male do not lie down in bed of a woman - it is nasty).

And in verse 20:13 "V'ish asher yishkav et zachar mishk'vei ishah to'evah asu shneihem mot yumatu - dameihem b'em" (And a man lies down with a male in the beds of women, both of them have done something icky: dying, they will die! Their blood is on them.).


But does this necessarily mean homosexuality?

Two other interpretations present themselves – one relating to female impurity, the other to heathen ritual.

Female impurity (because of the menses) which affects everything she rests upon, is quite the most likely - a man who lies on the bed of a menstruating woman becomes ritually polluted and must cleanse himself, much like a man who has a nocturnal emission or one who touches a corpse. The more men, the greater pollution.

The other possibility is in reference to heathen religious sex rituals, which were staggeringly popular among the Canaanites (and the Greeks, the original Apikorsim), which I will spare you details and not describe. Suffice to say that the heathen had congress with either gender of man or beast. The sheer mechanical aspect of such activity absolutely contradicts a healthy emotional relationship between two people who are committed to each other, entirely separate from the obviously horrific sin of participating in avoidah zara.

A man who opportunistically takes another man to bed while his wife is off limits (nidah), and does so in his wife’s bed to boot, is clearly beyond the pale. Men with aza netiyois should not marry women, even though we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply (prooing the old oorvoo, so to speak).


Of course, if you are a Canaanite or any other non-Jew, you absolutely need not be multipliciously fruitful - there are more than enough of you already. But the same principle holds for Jew as well as Gentile - you shall not treat your eishes chayil (your good woman) this way, so don't do this in your wife's bed, nor even in the same house, you mechutzeff!


Grada, that is what kollel is for.

Or the gym, for Goyim.


Marrying the other sex is not for everyone. Why increase unhappiness in the world? It is better to look to your own wellbeing, than insist that someone with needs which will not be met by marriage with the opposite gender make of one unhappy person two unhappy people.


Again, kollel. Sof mayse.


Need I mention that men NEVER get nidah? Or accidentally pregnant?
These are things to think about.

Plus, nothing says HOT like a big hairy streimel - which ought to please all of you Gallitziyaners!

You’re the epitome of geshmak.


Who knew?
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The above was written by the Rabam, rosheshiva of Yeshiva Chipass Emess West Coast.

For more verter, perhaps you should subscribe to the riezige shiurim of Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein with the commentary of the Rabam. It's a suggestion. Mamesh.

The most dangerous phrase in Talmudic studies is probably "dude, we're getting the Yeshiva back together!"

In other news: the birthday of the Rabam this year is marked by violence with willows.