PASSOVER REVISITED

This post is not suitable for anyone looking to spice up their second seder with deep and meaningful insights that would make a kiruv rabbi spouting simplistic mussar proud. You will not stand up and say, "a vort what I heard by Rabbi Pruzanski last shabbes hot es azoy ...... "
Well you could. But only if your listeners knew that Rabbi Pruzanksi gives you the willies, much like Rabbi Kolko, and most especially Rabbi Yosef Mizrachi. And that you were going to vote for Hillary or Bernie, because the Republic candidates are in many ways far too much like Messrs. Steven Pruzanski, Yehuda Kolko, and Mizrachi.


Earlier today I had asked Evil Dan B. (a self-proclaimed Bad Jew™) what he did for his first seder, which would have been yesterday evening.
He mentioned a pork chop, and in the same breath stated that he was Modern Orthodox. Then he took a long drag on his cigar and muttered that that was enough of the Jew-talk.

Tonight he's fixing himself a bacon-cheeseburger with chrayn between two pieces of matza. Because half a mitzva is better than none.

Other than mumbling that there is a brocha for that I had no real response.

So, for the benefit of the lawyer in the painting -- also a cigar smoker, but NOT the aforementioned Evil Dan B. -- for whom there is still hope, even if, or especially if, he continues dating the Chinese schoolteacher, here are links to interesting Passover posts on this blog.


A GRUNDFLIEGELICHE PEYSACH
Featuring scholarly commentary on a well-known Passover message circulating in Teaneck. Not suitable for rabbis of delicate sensibilities.
Or any kind of frimmer leit, really.


EIGHTY DEGREES, LEATHER, AND TOO MANY JEWS!!!
The Godol Hador (author of a tiefe un riezige blog elsewhere) had a fit about a hotel. I sympathized with him then, I still do so now.
Especially because I favour srugies.


HOLY HANDGRENADES, BATMAN!
There is a symbolic connection between Monty Python (And Þe Holy Grail), and Passover. Which scholarly readers probably realized.
After downing a fifth glass of wine.



There's also a peculiar correspondence between Pesach and Purim, which is that four glasses of wine leave you too shikker to know the difference between Haman and Mordechai. Or Moses and Akhenaten.
Especially if the maggid goes on too long.
And the brisket grows cold.

Although, if you are following the cookbook of R. Simeon b. Yohai, that's probably just as well; in addition to being a notorious mechutzef, he was also a Litvak, what I have heard by Rabbi Mizrachi.
A misnagid of monumental proportions.
Or so I have been told.




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NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
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IT WAS AN EPIC VICTORY!

Generally speaking, I'm whacked to the eye-brows when I return from Marin County. Due to a lot of caffeine. The day starts with two cups of reasonably strong coffee, and as soon as I've landed on the other side of the Golden Gate I make myself a cup of tea.That first one is followed by at least four more throughout the day.
Marin people are a bit dull, you see. It's that blistering self-satisfaction that suffuses their being. They know their auras are golden, and that karma must inevitably favour them.
Some of them do yoga, or exercise their flabby parts.
Please observe their saintliness.

And quite a few of them are nuts.

Peace, love, and vegetarianism.


OR, CONVERSELY, THEY WILL SIT IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION SET AND SCREAM WHILE LARGE MEN IN BODY-HUGGING PANTS WRESTLE EACH OTHER, IN THE MOST HOMO-EROTIC SPORT IMAGINABLE: FOOTBALL.


Personally, I cannot see the appeal. And I fear that makes me an outcast. But by keeping silent about my baffled loathing at the magnetism of large male bottoms in shiny breeches cavorting in pursuit of a pointy prolate spheroid made out of pigskin, I maintain peace in my vicinity.

No one has suggested that I return to my home planet.

Plus I have a clever disguise: a snazzy athletic sweatshirt, stylish black with white lettering, that references Medrash Govoha in connection with American Football. With an American Football pictured thereon, indicating that the year of importance was 2010.
Very sporty and collegiate.
And geshmak.

---dot---dot---dot---


GIVE ME A 'G'! GIVE ME AN 'O'!
VOHA! VOHA! VOHA!

From Wikipedia: "Beth Medrash Govoha is a post-graduate institution and the general age of entry for new students is about 22. A level of analytic skill and comprehension in understanding the Talmud is required to the extent that a student is be able to study a subject from the starting point all the way to the most complex areas of that subject on his own. The yeshiva does not have a remedial program for weak or unprepared students, and reaching the level required to be a successful student at the yeshiva takes several years of intense, full-time study."

And: "The daily schedule consists of three sedarim (study sessions) – a morning session, 9:30am–1:45pm, an afternoon session, 3:30pm–7:15pm, and an evening session, 9pm-11pm, in which a total of 10 hours of each day is spent studying. For each session there is a limud (subject) which is a chapter of the mesechta that that group is learning."



So okay then. Please feel free to believe that we Talmud scholars make time in our busy lives for an invigorating game. Physical culture is part of a well-rounded education, and it takes a healthy body to make a healthy mind, and all that inspiring hooh-hah. There's vim, and also vigour!


We are proud of our jocks; their glory reflects on all of us.

Go team. Medrash Govoha. Yay.



American Football.

It's serious sh*t.




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

DRINKEN FIR FRIMME VIMMINS

Rabbosai, pursuant the long list of recipes I gave several weeks ago, suitable for young ladies and others of that ilk, I really must repair a grievous omission.

[This post:
http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2009/12/high-school-girls-now-much-more-zesty.html ]

What was the omission? I hear you ask.
I neglected to provide culture-specific recipes for young ladies (and others of that ilk) going to Beis Yakov! Quite the most insensitive omission possible!

[Not a nocturnal omission; no sitting in cold water till evening.]


I can hear you gasping.
Very well, here for your delectation, three appropriate potables.
Serve them at your next mixer or pajama party.


ZISSE VEIBE KOCKTEIL

Two ounces unflavoured vodka
Two ounces blackcherry vodka
One ounce Amaretto

Shake over ice, pour into a chilled V-glass, and garnish with a maraschino.


DOS PILEGESH

Two ounces Bacardi 151
Two ounces Midori Melon Liqueur

Pour over ice in a pint glass, fill up with orange juice. Garnish with a lime-wedge and an umbrella.


YINGE MEIDL KOCKTEIL

Two ounces unflavoured vodka
Two ounces coconut rum
Heavy dash grenadine

Shake over ice and pour into a young lady.
Garnish with pink lace.
[Or an orange slice.]


NOTE: If too many such are consumed, she will be mingling wool and linen in no time, a bracha levatulla, mamesh. It is best to pour her (and others of her ilk) into a taxi before that happens. Kol haschalos kashos.


SHIKKERE SHIKSE KOCKTEIL

Three ounces unflavoured Vodka

Shake vigorously after drinking.

==================================================


ABOUT MIXED DRINKS

Rabbeinu Tam (Yakov Ben Meier, 1100 – 1170, brother of both the Rashbam and the Rivam) defined Shaatnez as including cloth spun and woven separately, then sewn together, whereas his grandfather Rashi ((Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki,1040 – 1105) opined that it is shaatnez only if the wool and linen are spun and woven together, his argument being that the prohibition against shaatnez is specifically against garments of mixed materials.
Rashi and Rabbeinu Tam lived in France; hence their neurotic interest in clothes.

The point they disputed has to do with the prohibition against kilayim (the mingling of things which it is inappropriate to mingle). Es shteyt in Parshas Shoftim (Judges) in Vayikra (Leviticus) 19:19 "Et chukotai tishmoru behemteicha; lo tarbiya kilayim sadcha, lo tizra kilayim u veged kilayim shaatnez lo ya'ale aleicha" (My statutes you shall guard; do not let your cattle mix-breed, do not sow your field with mixed seeds, and do not wear a garment of mingled cloth.).

Hence there are four categories of things which should not be mingled: plowing by cattle and asses in the same furrow, grapes and other crops in the same arbor, wool and linen in the same garment, and Jews and Midianites in the same world.
According to the Mishneh Toireh, such prohibitions promote peace.

But according to the Rebbe of Prolicz (descendant of the Baal Ha Turetz), this means 'keep fools out of fields, avoid fruit-cake, go naked, and don't invite strangers into your bed - only friends and relatives, or their wives and children'.

But, le havdil! The Tzerdraiter Rov (chavruso of Der Prolickzer) hott gezogt azoi: "there are four things that mark the end-times and the possible return of that horrid horrid man, zi seinen: Second Dutch Reformed with First Dutch Reformed and Fourth Dutch Reformed in the same Classis (Hackensack), Gefilte Fish with Mayonaise AND chrein at the same simcha (feh!), plaid ties over striped shirts with a tweed jacket (gottenyu), and your wife, your mother in law, and your mistress at your daughter's wedding (gevalt)".

From this Rabbeinu Gershom naturally derives a prohibition against mixed drinks, because the quality of liquor in mediaeval Ashkenaz was gonz schreklich.

Nevertheless, it is a mitzvah of riezige zechus to shtell a shidduch, as it says "vatidbak nafsho bedina bat-Yaakov va yeehav et-ha naara va yedaber al-lev ha naara".
All is fair in love and war. Nisht?
And meyle our liquor is so much better than what the Chossidei Ashkenaz consumed.

Hence under certain circumstances, it may be appropriate to mix substances that, properly speaking, should never be combined - like cheap Dutch liqueurs and expensive vodka, Bourbon and cherry juice, or tobacco and fire-arms.

The result, guaranteed, is a chuppah in your foreoutsight.


Ich hob es gehirt in a shiur at Yeshiva Chipass Emess - West Coast.
So it's emmes straight from hapehasus.

MY COMPUTER HAS A KIPPAH

On one of the mailinglists, the question was raised about permissible activity during Chol HaMoed.

[Chol HaMoed: חול המועד - the intermediate days of an eight day festival such as Peysach or Sukkos.]


What one MUST do is enjoy the holiday. But is one allowed to work?

Well, yes. Within limitations.


The five types of permitted work are as follows:
1. Davar HaAveid: Work which is necessary to prevent loss or damage provided it does not require overmuch effort (tircha yeteira).
2. Tzorchei HaMoed: Work that is necessary for yom tov or chol hamoed needs.
3. Bishvil po-eil she ein lo ma yochal: That which enables another to earn money for food or other yom tov essentials during chol hamoed.
4. Tzorchei Rabim: Work that benefits society.
5. Maasei Hediyot: Simple tasks, including makeshift repairs that are necessary.

Work that involves much effort, or professional competence, is discouraged.

Whether these conditions are d'oraisa or d'rabbanan is a matter of considerable debate - the Tur holds insists on the latter, Rabbi Yosef Karo opines the former. The Rambam waffles considerably on the issue, and the machlokes continues.


I have been at the office everyday during chol hamoed. I am, as you may have guessed, not a shomerish type person. But on the other hand, nothing I do really qualifies as work. Even during the rest of the year I am here to be entertained. This is my living room, my cockpit, my window on the universe.

Especially now.
There's a drawer full of chocolate hidden in the Accounting Department. All kinds of chocolate. A surfeit of seasonal goodness. And I know where it is. Not everybody does, but I do.
I am zipped to the eye-brows, all day, everyday. Life is very good indeed.

But, in honour of the season, and so that at least part of me is Peysachdik, I have placed a kippah on my computer. As a zeicher of the zaman. But also because without the computer I might as well be a half-wit.
This thing does a lot of my thinking for me, and there is much kedoosha within.

Caffeine. Theobromine. Sugar. Wheeeeeeee!!!!!! Chag sameach.

KOL ISHA

In many ultra frum circles, the sound of a woman, even the sight, and everything that is of a woman, is considered damaging.

Personally, I cannot fathom this.

If the choice is between looking at a dewy teenager and a bearded old git, you may take it as a given that I will observe the dewy young thing every time. And it is a great pleasure to do so.


Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha Olam, shekacha lo b'olamo!
[ " .... Who has such beautiful things in His universe."]


If you do not say this upon returning home and seeing your significant other every day, something is wrong.

INVENTORY OF WORK SPACE

The items that one surrounds oneself with say a lot about a person. Especially the things in the place where one spends the majority of one's waking hours - the office. Personal effects are often a louder statement than any curriculum vitae.


Follows a list of "decorative items" in my cubicle.

Eight Israeli flags.
Three American flags.
One "destroy Hezbollah" sign.
Seven assorted other protest signs.
A dancing robotic Woman in Black.
Six month supply of pipe tobacco.
Dolls: daemon, joker, frog, evil mouse.
Plush: mostly rodents.
Plastic animals: rabbit, lizard, dinosaur.
Three realistic heads, one of which is a mutant alien baby.
A knit kippah (blues and greens).
Framed Smicha (Yeshiva Chipas Emess).
Three Chabad baseball caps.
Three paintings (one of which represents Nick Berg and three Islamic militants).
Over a dozen "test tube babies", one of which is large and adrift in yellow liquid.
Two dozen books, of which half a dozen are linguistic reference.
Eight umbrellas.
Nearly three hundred empty cigarillo tins (brand: Panter).
A stuffed armadillo (real, dead, rotund).

And a cheerful Totoro, who encourages me with his dazzling smile.
[He is sitting on the Nederlands Etymologisch Woordenboek, by Jan de Vries (fourth edition, published by Koninklijke Brill in Leiden in 1997).]


The children of coworkers avoid my area when they visit the company. It is very wise of them to do so, even though I no longer bite. My cubicle is a cacophony.

I AM AN ANTI-SEMITE

That is what a correspondent firmly believes. She is serious, and horribly offended. Decent people should avoid me, and you might want to hang garlic on your monitor before reading any further.

In addition to being an anti-Semite, I would also like to propose that I am a strikingly beautiful black woman with high pert breasts. Might as well go for the complete makeover, don't you agree?


I wrote:
I am capable of believing that voodoo, Catholicism, several forms of Christianity, and many aspects of Orthodox practice are wrong. That several million people believe something does not mean we have to praise and accept that belief as valid. Especially as regards religion one can agree to disagree. Or demand to disagree.

This generated a howl of outrage.


I wrote:
I did not attack Judaism.
I do not accept all of orthodox praxis as valid.
Orthodox Judaism is not all of Judaism. Nor is all of orthodox Judaism actually orthodox Judaism.

Now the other person started jumping up and down and foaming at the mouth, as I could tell from hundreds of miles away. Furious scribbling ensued.


I wrote:
I fail to see how it could possibly be offensive.
Unless you consider all versions of orthodoxy, from the several variants of hareidi all the way through modern orthodox, to be identical. In which case the ultra-orthodox refusal to accept smicha from certain rabbinical schools becomes ridiculous.

Of course, the Conservative movement might also have an issue with the sneering non-acceptance of their accreditation by the ultra-orthodox.

But that begs the question - can Satmar validly be offended by Chabad? To the point that they refuse to accept the opinions of anyone associated with Chabad, or deny their kashrus certification? Those who are easily offended, will be offended.

For that matter, I would more likely accept the graduate of Yeshiva Chovevei Torah as normative in his rabbinical lomdus, than let us say, a rabbi from Beis Medrash Gohova, Belz, or even the Chabad milieu.

To the degree that I do not accept them as normative, they may be offended. More than likely, it would not matter one whit to them.

Again, I fail to see where the offense lies.

Further to the offense, I would offer the following representative sampling of elements of orthodox Judaism which are utter balderdash: Segulos, Kabbalah, Dybbuks, Sheidim, Klipos, and Gematria.

You will find that though these things are all well within orthodox belief, they are by no means universally accepted. They represent a strain of superstition rife with borrowings from heathendom and folk-beliefs. Avodah zara, more or less. Torah codes are also in that category, and quite as ridiculous.

A careful reading of the sources will show that many authorities in the past were adamantly opposed to such nonsense. Such people as the Rambam, Ibn Ezra, even the Ramchal.......

At this point, she accused me of dam-near hating Jews and Judaism.

So yes, dear readers, I am an anti-Semite.



BLACK AND FULLY BREASTED

I am also a tall and incredibly stunning black woman with lovely gazongas. Tribal jewelry suits me very well, and I wear bold colours with grace and ease.

Deeply plunging v-necks show off my lovely attributes nicely, by the way.

I have not yet decided whether I am a straight black woman, or a raging Lesbienne, nor, if the latter is the case, if I like cute little blondes or prefer chubby brunettes. But whatever I am, I have no fetiches, and a broad spectrum of tastes. A whole new world of exciting choices has opened up, and it may take me a while to choose all my predilections.

Please send me your suggestions - I need help deciding.



In the meantime, I remain, affectionately, ROTFLMAO.


-----B.O.T.H.

EVERYTHING IS A FETISH

Over dinner on Saturday, one of the people at the table hazarded that I could turn anything into a fetish. Or at least a lurid description. She has read my blog, and judges it not entirely suitable for small children and sensitive yeshiva bocherim. Which, given what I've been writing about for the past several months, is actually fairly correct.

A person whom I shall call the Cherry-Vodka Zionist then stated that every time he's cruised in, the blog seemed devoted to panties and pipe-tobacco.


So, for both of them, and for you, a fetishizing of a spectrum. I hope that you can find yourself in at least one thing here, and I want you to tell me all about it. Please go ahead - wax lyrical.
I quiver with antici.... pation.


OLD LADY

Her crepe-like skin was soft, and felt like washed silk; her eyes sparkled with a love of life. Insistently, her delicate-boned hands stroked the satin coverlet with a gentleness that belied their strength...... closer, closer.......


FAT MIDDLE-AGED PERSIAN HOMOSEXUAL

The roll of tanned stomach suggestively flowed over his taut waistband like a smooth golden pillow, tempting the fingers with an expanse of shiny black hair, like grass upon a hill-side. He shifted slowly and gracefully on the divan, and his eyes within their heavy lids sparkled with good-natured malice.


PENGUIN

Roger admired the elegant profile of the bird, the downy stomach feathers, and the intelligent eyes of his newly acquired love-beast, and he yearned to stroke the narrow shoulders, pet the inviting curve of the lower abdomen.....


ANTIQUE CHERRY-WOOD CABINET

An expanse of cool and velvet wood, smoothed by the fond touch of generations, with a rich patina that called to mind the warm summer evenings long ago, when Adelbrecht would move silently through the darkened house, and rub his naked body over the heirloom furniture......


STAINED TABLE CLOTH

Afterwards, when the guests had all gone, Mohammed lowered his nose to the damask, and inhaled deeply of the wine-stains that suggestively blotched and spattered the fine fabric. A hint of rose, a berry-like sweetness, the warm nose-feel of tannins. His hands felt under the edge of the cloth, and, as if with a mind of their own, lifted it higher and higher. His eyes closed, and he imagined the cool bases of the now empty goblets pressed upon his own skin. Quivering, he slid to the floor, his knees having entirely failed him at this point.


CELADON PLATE

In the evening Baruch would retire to the crepusculed sun room, to sit in darkness and run his finger tips over the rims of his porcelain collection, listening to the delicate pinging of glazes crackling further, as if the clay still remembered it's cooling from the kiln. The faintest glimmer of light reflected from a celadon treasure, a ghost-like glistening at the edge of vison. Ah, the moon-dust Ming plate! He truly loved the almost mentholated physicality that he felt whenever his breath misted over the semi-translucent surface. As he felt a trembling begin he gently put the beloved antique back down, scared that his quivering would sully the pale powder-velvet longuan iron oxide, or perhaps cause it to shatter into ten-thousand tempting fragments.


I shall stop here. It is for your well-being, as I fear that you cannot control yourself much longer. These descriptions probably excited you, and it is possible that you need a cold shower now. A nice long cold shower, the crystal clear water running in smooth hard rivulets over your skin, which tightens, perceptibly, as you let the comforting coolness seep into your bones and send thrills down your spine. The stroking streams of water flow between the pale digits of your hands and feet, seeming almost flesh themselves from the journey across your arms and legs, you can feel the droplets pearled upon your shoulders, the moistness in the back of the knees, the intense wetness of that cold, cold embrace.........

ABOUT YOUR PERVERSE FANTASIES

The semi-refrocked defrocked (i.e. partially clothed) Bray guest-posted about adultery on Dovbear's site today, and one of our mutual readers begs me to indulge his nurse fetish.


I actually have TWO readers who are desperate that I cater to their nurse fetish.


Sweet Jesus, as they say. Sweet Jesus!
[In point of fact, I have just as little invested in Jesus sweet or otherwise as I do in the nurse fetish.]


Rabbosai, I refuse to go into any detail whatsoever about comely wenches with tight cotton panties wearing nurses' uniforms. The entire subject of shapely young ladies in short white dresses and modest little hair-caps, whether or not they are wearing thigh-high stockings, or dark hose that delineate their meaty little thighs, is not a concern to this blog, and the zesty mental image of a petite shapely Filippina perched perkily upon an operating table, naughtily smoking a cigarette in a long ivory holder, will not be mentioned here at all. Crimson pouty lips or not.

Nor will we discuss the tightness of certain uniforms over the upper torso, or the pale golden skin temptingly visible in the vee of the open collar. Small slightly plump hands at the ends of curvy arms coming out of short-sleeved tunics? Not to be spoken of.

You are reading too much into this blog. And other blogs. The Sheitel thing is not a fetish either - no matter the delicate fragrance that a well-washed sheitel may have. Please ignore the frisson some yeshiva-bocherim experience walking past the tastefull photographs of female faces in the wigshop window near Chaim Berlin. There are NO barely bar-mitzvah age males who shiver and sink to the floor of a New York city bus at the sight of a young mother pink and glowing under her Indian-hair peruque.


We are not a fetish blog. That is why we never mention Jesus either.
Odd idolatry, superstition and ignorance, and addictive fantasies are not on the menu. We are a serious blog, and discuss shwerre subjects. Yes indeed.

If you wish to talk about the shidduch crisis, Yeshivishe shprach & verter, the Mid-East, or Dutch degeneracy, this is the place. Please go ahead. Discuss. Otherwise, no im gonzen.

Mir seinen farklempt.

ACHER

The Other, Elisha Ben Abuya, one of four sages from the Tannaitic period who entered Pardes (Paradise, The Garden). He is called ‘the other’ because of his apikorsus (heresy).

Ben Azzai died, Ben Zoma lost his mind, Ben Abuya started whacking at everything with pruning shears (which is taken to mean that he lost his faith), and Akiva "entered in peace, and left in peace", allegedly going on to write what may be the oddest little book ever – the Sefer Yetzirah (the Book Of Creation).


Now note that ‘other’, or ‘one other’, is also a way of referring to the evil one. It is no coincidence that the realm of impurity is also ‘other’ (sitra achra: the other side).
But another account (in the Talmud, Meseches Kiddushin) relates that Elisha Ben Abuya once saw a boy on a ladder raiding a bird's nest as he was instructed to do by his father. The boy removed the mother bird, then accidentally fell from the ladder and died. This caused Elisha to doubt scripture, because it is written that one who obeys his parents, and one who removes a mother bird before taking her young (so that she does not suffer the sight of her children being taken) will both enjoy long life.


------Notes excerpted from 'Likutei ha Rabam'
[Yeshiva Chipas Emes Publishing and Dry-cleaners]



All of this pursuant an unreadable book discovered by e-kvetcher (http://search-for-emes.blogspot.com/) who mentions it here: http://search-for-emes.blogspot.com/2008/01/rabbi-yishmael-acher.html

I do not know what e-kvetcher is looking for precisely, but I can hazard a pretty loose guess. No matter..... He keeps discovering interesting things.

SIMCHAS TORAH

REMINDER TO THE TALMEDIM

The rosheshiva (soll sein gazunt) of Yeshiva Chipass Emess - West Coast (in beautiful downtown San Francisco, soll sein sehr shain) wishes to stress to the talmedim that hagba and slivovitz do NOT go together. Ever.

We do not want a repeat of that disgraceful episode from last year. You know who you are (*).


And further, don't just dance with your chavrusa, he gets all your attention anyway.
This time dance with someone else (especially you, Shmelkele - remember those rumours?).

As for the rest of you menuvlim, have a happy Simches Torah.

That is all.


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(*) Yes, we know you claimed that someone covered the floor with chicken fat. That's not an excuse we're willing to accept.

K'MENTIOS ZITZERS

I can not resist the lively market place of ideas and bile that is the blog of the bear. It's a compulsive thing.


And he has the most diverse readers, too.

Including, chos vay forefend, Christians!


Follows a SMALL cherry-picked sampling of comments appended to a recent Dovbearian post about Mother Theresa and her crisis of faith, as recently revealed in published letters.
[This post: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/09/blurring-line-between-god-and-jesus.html]

Within mere seconds in blog-time, the comment-thread degenerated into a Christian love-fest. An odd developement, but like a nudist train-wreck, fascinating to watch.

We'll start with Lipman, who commented before the Christians crawled out of the woodwork:

------------------------------

Catholic or Jewish, there's certainly a fundamental difference between saying there is no God (or god, or 1/3 god), and being brouges with it (or him, or a fraction of them).

Writing this, I'm sure there are traditional ways of combining this, for instance if she (hypothetically) didn't believe God/Jesus was benign, one could equate this with a denial of god (3/3 or 1/3) as taught by Catholic doctrine. But that would be pilp-, sorry, Jesuite sophistry.Lipman Homepage 09.06.07 - 1:20 pm

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MT rejected the son. (or didn't feel the sons presence or whatever)

WHAAAAAAT???? A MOTHER rejecting the son?

Has child services been notified?

If I were MT I would cede custody to the father, hope to never see the little bastard again and never look back!The Bray of Fundie Homepage 09.06.07 - 2:53 pm #

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Enough already with the Jesus shtoos ...


OFF TO WATCH ANOTHER RERUN OF "MY MOTHER THE VIRGIN" ON THE CATHOLIC CHANNEL. TODAY'S EPISODE: POPE BENEDICT IS CAUGHT ON VIDEO SUREVEILANCE IN A JEWISH DELI IN ROME DURING LENT AND CONFESSES TO AN ADDICTION TO KOSHER SALAMI.Abe 09.06.07 - 5:10 pm #

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Did I miss something, or did this suddenly turn into the I Love Jesus website? Why should we waste our time talking about this illegitimate son of a hair dresserbaruch 09.06.07 - 9:35 pm #

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What is the role of Jesus in Judaism? I was born a Jew and later found the Lord. Most Jews do not seem to be knowledgable as those posting on this blog.Jonathan 09.06.07 - 10:16 pm #

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Jonathan,
There aren't enough crackpot sects among our Jewish bretheren that offer you rapturous invitations to lunacy? I mean if you can't resist worshipping dead people, consider Lubavitch or Breslov. At least you'll remain in the tribe.Abe 09.06.07 - 11:18 pm #

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Yep, that's what they always say about us Jews: We have better sects.Lurker 09.07.07 - 7:00 am #

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Jonathan,
I'm glad Jesus loves you because I sure don't. You are obviously one very confused individual. I imagine that you probably grew up reformed or conservative pretending that you were a goy and then decided to make it official. This is why I send my son to a Yeshiva.baruch 09.07.07 - 7:22 am #

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Speaking as a Jew, I think that perhaps the Jews should reconsider their outright rejection of any honor for this "Jesus" fellow. Of course, there is no need to follow the Chrisitian Trinity stuff, breaking up the One God into three sefirot, the "F-ther," "S-n," and "Holy Gh-st." After all real Jews would never, ever, break up their One God into multiple sefirot, would they?

No, a kosher Jewish theology of Jesus would go as follows:

Jesus was, indeed, the Mashiach, but G-d had him killed before he could Save the World, due to the Sinas Chinam then prevalent in k'lal yisrael at the time. The crucifixion was a warning to the Jewish people that was disregarded, which thus led God into messing with minds of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza, and thus the destruction of the Temple and our current exile.

As nearly all of Jesus' teachings are consistent with (i.e. ripped off) the Torah, we can consider him as basically a great rebbe who really did die for our sins, though, of course, his death didn't absolve us of anything, as it was done as a warning.

Thus, "Jesuser Jews" could follow the following simple customs:

1)They could observe the Birthday of Jesus as "Chag HaMolad" on December 25. While this is not exactly the same as turning Christmas into a Jewish holiday, it would go a long way to ending the December Dilemma, as well as making the winter solstice less depressing for Jews on those years when Chanukka falls out weeks before the solstice. I believe there is already a sefer of halacha out on this subject ("What if Christmas were a Jewish Holiday?"), so it should be pretty easy for Jews to observe Chag HaMolad.

2) The Yartzeit of Jesus (known to the goyim as "Good Friday") should be observed as a solemn day of repentance (after all, Jesus died for our sins, and we still didn't do anything about them.) I would recommend the following observances:

a) fast from sunrise to sunset, with a modest and subdued Shabbos meal as a break-fast.

b) midnight s'lichos services at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. (Reform services to be held at the Garden Tomb.)

c) Abbreviated s'lichos prayers as part of chacharis and mincha services.

d) A custom of eating candy eggs at the break-fast meal, as eggs are a sign of mourning.

All of this could spiritually prepare us for Tisha B'av.Jesus H. Christ Homepage 09.07.07 - 8:57 am #

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Moabite...was the above comment you?The Bray of Fundie Homepage 09.07.07 - 9:33 am #
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"Jesus H. Christ"
I know that you are in part pulling my leg, but your suggestions make sense and would appeal to a lot of Jews who have come to know the Lord but who do not want to reject Judaism. I never felt loved and acccepted before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and personal savior. This is true for many Jews that I have come to know. Also, Baruch you seem like a very angry man. My parents actually go to a local Bais Chabad and the Rabbi has invited me on more than one occasion to attend servce. He speaks of the Messiah and has asked me about the Lord.Jonathan 09.07.07 - 11:33 am #
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JONATHAN ...
ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE JESUS SHTOOS.

JOIN ME IN WATCHING ANOTHER RERUN OF "MY MOTHER THE VIRGIN" ON THE CATHOLIC CHANNEL.
TODAY'S EPISODE: JESUS IS BEDRIDDEN AND JOSPEH SUSPECTS THAT HIS SUPER POWERS HAVE BEEN DIMINISHED BY INGESTION OF THE ONLY SUBSTANCE CAPABLE OF HARMING THE SUPER GOD --- EXPOSURE TO AN UNKOSHER SHELLFISH --- CRABTONYTE.Abe 09.07.07 - 11:55 am #

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your suggestions make sense and would appeal to a lot of Jews who have come to know the Lord but who do not want to reject Judaism. I never felt loved and accepted before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and personal savior.

Nudnick!! That's NOT what I meant. Jesuser Jews only believe that Jesus was mashiach who lost his job because he couldn't get the Jews to stop bickering amongst themselves. At most his words would be studied as one might study the works of a great rabbi. No Jesuser Jew would ever "accept" Jesus as his "Lord" and "personal savior." That would be the height of blasphemy. The only "Lord" a Jew has is the One God YHVH, and the only "personal savior" a Jew has his himself (or herself), through the performance of mitzvos.Jesus H. Christ Homepage 09.07.07 - 11:57 am #
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Thank you for clarifying your position, but believe it or not your previous suggestions seemed to make sense and would help me feel more comfortable being Jewish while maintaining my faith in the Lord. I know that many Jews consider Jesus to be a great rabbi but have trouble accepting him as the annointed one. Is there anything I could do to convince them that he is the "moshiach." The Rabbi at my parents' Bais Chabad also suggested that I have a meeting with him before Rosh Hashanah. I suspect that he is curious about my ideas and wants to help spread the word of the Lord.Jonathan 09.07.07 - 12:21 pm #

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I met a girl at college who is also Jewish and who along with her parents accepted Jesus as her Lord. She also keeps kosher and says she observes Shabbat. Her dad is even a rabbi, and I'm going to ask him to get me ready for my meeting with my parents' rabbi at the shul. I know that Jesus loves me and that's all the suport I need.Jonathan 09.07.07 - 2:07 pm #

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Jonathan,

I suffer from bulemia and until I read your posts, I was having trouble throwing up today. Thanks for your efforts.Abe 09.07.07 - 3:08 pm #

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It all started when went to a bible study group at my college. I never met such nice people in my life. My interest in the Lord was not an intellectual thing at all. I always thought that Judaism was just so cold and mechanistic. When I accepted Jesus as my Lord, I was filled with a feeling or peace that I had never experienced before. Many of those who post on this blog seem to be mean sprited which is what I always found with my parents and their friends in the religious Jewish community. I also find Chabad to be obsessed with ritual with no real feeling toward other people and to be overly concerned with the superficial aspects of life.Jonathan 09.07.07 - 5:59 pm #

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Jonathan,
Thank you for ruining my Shabbos. You should be so lucky as to have been born a Jew. You are most likely a disturbed person who needs urgent psychiatric care.
baruch 09.07.07 - 6:04 pm #

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I cannot say that I've ever enjoyed a discussion about jayzits more. It even reminded me of the Bible study group I attended three Thursdays in a row, over twenty years ago. The preacher's wife was this lovely young thing.... a round-headed brunette, creamy-skinned, petite, and discrete of mammary. Lordy, she was cute. Ooo-wee!

That old-time religion always reminds me of eye-candy.

That, and chewing gum.

Be sure to tune in next week, when Yonosson discovers Moishe Rabbeinu and is saved hallelujah, plus further episodes of "My Muddah De Voidjin", by Abe.

ZESTY DIQDUQGEEKETTE, OH MY

Bad news, rabbosai: the Rabam, who is the Rosheshiva of Yeshiva Chipass Emes - West Coast (YCE - WC) soll sein shtark und gazunt, is back in the klink after righteously behaving Sunday morning. The toy store will probably not press charges provided he pays them for the window and the fifteen Hamas rats he destroyed. Negotiations continue. Classes at the Yeshiva are consequently cancelled for the remainder of the week.


Just so that you have at least a minimum shiur of YCE-WC lomdus this week, the following lecture (written on cocktail napkins) has been forwarded from the pokey.

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NON PERVERSE HALOCHO FUNDAMENTALISTS

A mechallel shabbas b'farhesia is davka defined by the gemora, and the Rambam, Shulchan Aruch, Mishna Brura, and the Aruch HaShulchan as having the status of a non perverse halocho fundamentalist.

This accords with the position of the Aruch HaShulchan, who states that when it comes to shabbes observance the status of the individual in question is explicitly that of a non perverse halocho fundamentalist, if done in public.

Contrariwise, the Rambam, who was either not a perverse halocho fundamentalist OR possibly the very epitome of a perverse halocho fundamentalist, in Hilchos Shabbes perek 30 halacha 15 writes "takka, shabbes is a sign between Him and us forever. Therefore, one who violates other mitzvos has the status of the wicked of Israel, but one who is mechallel shabbes befarhesia, vahine, he is (also) like one who worships idols, and both of these are like a non perverse halocho fundamentalist in all respects".

The Lechem Mishna disagrees with the Rambam, because the Rambam at the end of Hilchos Teshuva perek 3 states that anyone can do tshuva (including a non perverse halocho fundamentalist), and suggests instead a rather farkrampte resolution to the stira, which he admits appeals to him on a deeply personal level, rather like the zesty mental image of a hypothetical diqduqgeeqette reading haftaros on qelaf, or chasvesholom, the Shir Ha Shirim (asher li Shlomo). Riezig. Er shreibt that it is indeed possible to do tshuva for aveiros of this nature, but they are of such a gadlus that anybody who truly did tshuva for them would kick the bucket in that endeavor, as we see from various stories in the Gemoro, where some people did aza tiefe und gevaldige teshuva that they bought the farm.

From which we know that tshuva is like a voyage. Some people take a long cruise on loving boats, with bridge and bingo nights and dancing under a tropic moon with women not their own, others slog through the badlands eating aphid crap for forty years.

The Lechem Mishna adds "not that there's anything wrong with that".

It's all good, little butterfly.

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An interesting question is whether perverse and halochic don't contradict or exclude each other. But the meaning of "perverse" is probably not really "perverse", but rather, as Chazal (al pi der Bazler) have written, "very strongly". Thus the key concepts are perverse halocho and fundamentalism, as represented by a fundamentalist of perverse halocho.

Is it Relativistic Trans-Masoreticism? We don't know. None of this applies in any way to a Mishnaic Karaite.

Questions? Comments? Be sure to give the Yeshiva your feedback. They love hearing from all of you menuvlim. You can also communicate your thoughts to the MAGAB in Yerushalayim, whose birthday is on the eighteenth of May. He too loves hearing from menuvlim.

TFILLIN PER THE RABAM

Note regarding Tfillin from the RABAM shlita (rosheshiva of Yeshiva Chipass Emes - West Coast).

[As usual, a baffling communication, especially in light of this being given during his one permitted phone-call from the holding cell. He also said something about Hungarian Slivovitz being mer sharf und feirik vi Slovakian, but that is neither here nor there.]


"There are two types of tfillin, one containing the rolled up parchments in the order approved of by Rashi, one following the order prescribed by Rabbeinu Tam, who out of this molehill of an issue made a veritable Har Sinai. Many frimme leite, when wearing tfillin, wear both styles, thus hedging their bets. Which is kind of like going to confession before attending shul.

The Baal HaTuretz held that Rabbeinu Tam tfillin are pointless without a nice suite of Rabbeinu Tam shatnez, and in any case, Milan determines what is geshmak, no one listens to the French anyway.

The Rabbi of Prolicz opined that two kinds of tfillin are merely a way of showing the entire shtetl what a macher you are, that you can afford TWO sets of tfillin, hoohah! "

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Rabbeinu Tam = Yacov Ben Meir, 1100 - 1171. A grandson of Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki, 1040 - 1105), and the brother of Rashbam (Rabbi Shmuel Ben Meir, 1083 – 1174) and Ribam (Rabbi Yitzhak Ben Meir, late eleventh century to mid-twelfth).


Tfillin = Phylacteries. Two boxes, with straps, that are fastened to the forehead (the shel rosh - as a sign between your eyes) and upon the biceps of the weaker arm (the shel yad, so the right biceps if your lefthanded). Prayer boxes. Note that if there has been any water damage, cracking, or rounding of the corners, the tfillin are no longer kosher – you will have to shell out a considerable amount of money to have them replaced.

MENTAL EXCERCISE, OR TORAH CALISTHENICS?

Chaim G. writes:
Followed the link to Rabbi Pinky Shmeklestein. Was revolted.

BOTH We Jews also have a trinity. Yisrael, v'Oraysa V'Kudhs brikh hu khad hu ="Israel, the Torah and G-D are one". Hence loving Jews and loving the Torah are two sides of the same coin. One who loves Rabbi Pinky Shmeklestein despises Torah. As you are indeed a Philo-Semite I beg you case and desist your "uncovering the nakedness" of Rabbi Shmeklestein at once!

[This was his reaction to Dovbear's posting 'Better Know a Blogger' about this blog, in which it became apparent that there was a connection between myself and Rabbi Pinky Schmecklestein. See here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/04/better-know-blogger_27.html]



Tayere Chaim,

I can understand your reaction. And I don't expect you to 'get' it. Not everyone does.

Think of the Yeshiva Chipass Emes phenomenon as part of a broad-perspective approach to the Judaic world. A different way of learning, a way of focusing on the texts and the traditions without breaking one's head over the rocks. Or even, merely a way of tumbling the material around in one's head.

Your initial reaction was against the absurdity and irreverence (oh, and also probably the potty humour). But your reaction was immediate, and intense, and reflected a life-time of conditioning. Which explains precisely what you are and where you are coming from.

[And aren't you still the same person you were before your exposure to YCE?]

Not everyone has your background or comes from that environment, and some, even of impeccable Jewish origins, have not come anywhere near Yiddishkeit or studying the material their whole lives. And there are also those who have fled.
Yeshiva Chipass Emess brings the material up - that people react, however they react, is good. They're reacting. They're looking at material that you, me, Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein, and many other people, all consider worth time and effort. And they're relating to it.
It is up to them how they choose to approach the material afterward. In its own way, it's a test. If they don't explore any further, that is their lookout.

We don't all look at it the same way, but we're all looking at it, and making it our own.

[If anyone took the Schmeckelsteinian interpretation as the straight deal, one could be absolutely certain that they had no sense of humour, lacked a functioning brain, and would be eternally incapable of dealing with any other interpretation also.
At the Yeshiva we have fortunately not met anyone like that - other than the occasional putz trying to cope with a terminal case of shverre Yushkaism. Most literalists have such blinkers that they cannot see the Yeshiva.]


One can laugh at something while nevertheless remaining passionately committed to it. Sometimes the contrast is what throws it into sharpest relief, often stepping back gives one a better perspective.
It is not only possible to see things from different angles, it is essential. Taking only one approach to a subject yields only a mono-dimensional familiarity. A flatness, a lack of depth and perspective.

And as a friend put it, "someone who cannot laugh at religion probably shouldn't have religion".


A war metaphor: There is a blindfolded man on a battlefield - he cannot see the attack, where it is coming from, or the danger he himself is in. But once the blindfold is removed......

A shabbes metaphor: A man spends hours happily studying on shabbes, his neighbor simply eats tsholnt, belches, and has a good long nap. When they meet and compare what the other is doing, they're baffled at how the other one spends the day. But each tries the other's approach a few times, and while they don't change their habits, what they have experienced gives them a new appreciation for shabbes, and for each other.

A language metaphor: After many years of learning proper text-book French, the brilliant student visited Paris. And realized that he should have also read French newspapers, magazines and cheap novels, because while he understood every word that was said to him, he had no clue what they were actually saying.

A food metaphor: Chrain and charoses - different in taste, in association, in way of approaching the memory of Egypt. Is a seder without both complete? Now extend that idea to everything else on the peysach table. No single element makes the seder, but all of them together make it whole.


There are different ways of experiencing. Whether they are valid, well, that depends on the individual.

Four men entered paradise. Ben Azzai died, Ben Zoma lost his mind.....

And the point of that tale is that Elisha Ben Abuya was already a lost case before he saw paradise, while Akiva, because of what he already was, "entered in peace and left in peace".
What they were determined how they would react.


I'm certain that people are capable of digesting the Schmeckelsteinian point of view without indigestion. That they can enter in peace and leave in peace. In fact, I'm convinced the better the person, the better they will be after experiencing the Schmeckelsteinian point of view.


On a final, and somewhat absurdist note, at a party a long time ago, a friend who could not eat cake rubbed it on her face instead - thus experiencing it to the fullest despite her inability to eat it.
Her perception of cake was not the same as everyone else's, but it was just as valid.

THE WISDOM OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN REGARDING KRETCHMUTCH

[Note: two errors spotted by attentive readers (one at 4:55 pm, the other at 5:03 pm) have been corrected. Thank you. If anyone spots any other factual errors, pleas let me know. Errors of snarkiness can be debated in the comments. If I like what you say, I'll steal it.]


You guys are so lucky that Yeshiva Chipas Emmess sends out these lectures. Spreading lomdus is a mitzvah, you should be so grateful.

[For the full Yeshiva Chipas Emmess experience, and all the lectures by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein soll sein gazunt, see here: http://www.geocities.com/npoj8/index.html Go on, click. You know you want to. You lust after wisdom, you beheimah.]

Below, for your pleasure and edification, is the Christmas Drasha of Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein, soll sein gazunt, rosh yeshiva, soll sein gazunter.



CHRISTMAS DRASHA
WITH THE COMMENTARY OF THE RABAM
12/21/06

CHRISTMAS DRASHA

Christmas = Nittel. A Russian celebration during which the Cossacks get drunk and drive their sleighs into the wall of the shul next door. Repeatedly, and at great speed. Whereupon they invite themselves in, and continue their celebration with the Rabbi’s liquor cabinet, before borrowing your station wagon for a middle of the night drive to Bayonne.

Nittel used to be celebrated in January, but since the revolution it has been celebrated a few days after the solstice.

Our minhag is to play chess that night - there are so many malicious spirits about on nitel night that we couldn’t possibly lern Toireh or Talmud, for fear that our good friends the Cossacks might come to an accident.

Rabbi Yoichanan Ben Zakai, in a Braisa brought down in Maseches Airuvin, asks: What is the true mitzvah of Christmas? Is it to share the joy, the festivities, the gift-giving, and the spirit of good will towards all men? Or is it to go to a matinee, pay half price, and stay the hell off the street until the goyim sober up?

Yochanan Ben Zakkai = A close friend and chavrusa of Rish Lakish, whom Yochanan treasured because he challenged everything that Yochanan said, testing his logic and his reason till it was watertight – we all need such a chavrusa.

Oh, wait - DTL tells me that was Rebbi Yôhhonon bar Nappohho (Sepphoris, then Tiberias; died in 279 CE), not Rabbon Yôhhonon ben Zakkai (Jerusalem, then Jamnia; died around 80 CE).

[Crap, these Chazalic names are all so confusing! Why couldn't Chazal have nice normal names like Dovbear, or XGH, or Margavriel, or Steg, or Jameel, or Tafka?]

Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai used to say, "If you have learnt much Torah, do not reckon it as merit, because for that purpose you were created."

Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai dictated the Zohar to Rabbi Abba on his deathbed, expiring on the thirty-third day of the Omer (thirty three days after Peysach). On that day, the sun stood still, to give Rabbi Yochanan time to finish, and fire burst out all around the house where Rabbi Yochanan and his talmedim were gathered. With the last word, a brilliant light enveloped the building and Rabbi Yochanan’s soul returned to the Master of the world.

Oh, wait..... that's ALSO some other dude. Shoot, all those names look alike.

The Zohar was written by Shimeon BarYohai, who spent thirteen years in a cave, at the end of which time he probably heard voices. Shimeon was reincarnated by Moishe Ben ShemTov DeLeon, a Castillian charlatan, between 1250 and 1305. His latest incarnation is as Madonna Louise Ciccone (b. 1958), who after a sex-change operation renamed himself Esther.
Beraisa = ‘On the outside’; a statement or argument not included in the Mishna, but of equally ancient ancestry, often written in one of the extra-mishnaic works, such as the Tosefta, the Mechilta, Sifra, and Sifrei.






Often Beraisos are included as annotations or margin notes in Talmudic commentaries.

Tosefta = Supplement; a compilation of the oral law, like the Mishna, and from roughly the same era. It was compiled by Rabbi Hiyya and Rabbi Oshayah, whereas the Mishna was compiled by Yehudah HaNasi (Judah the prince, a scholar descended from Melech Dovid), a leader of the talmidish olam in the second century CE who is accorded such stature that he is also referred to as Rebbi (my teacher) and Rabbeinu HaKadosh (our saintly rabbi).

Mechilta = Two separate books are meant: Mechilta Dhe Rabbi Ishmael, and Mechilta Dhe Rabbi Shimon Ben Yohai. Both are exegetical midrashim on Bereishis.

Sifra = A third century CE commentary on the Mishna, of uncertain authority and authorship.

Sifre = Halachic exegesis on Seifer Bamidbar (Numbers) and Seifer Dvarim (Deuteronomy).

What has come down to us is not the full corpus, parts are clearly missing, and the Talmud references parts which were changed or lost.

Maseches Eruvin = Blendings; second tractate of Seder Mo’ed in the Bavli.

The twelve tractates of Seder Mo’ed are Shabbes (Sabbath laws and Chanuka; #1), Eruvin, (blendings, and permissible Sabbath space; #2), Peysachim (leavening, pascal sacrifice, and the seder; #3), Beitza (egg; food which may be prepared on festivals; #4), Hagiga (feasting; offerings during festivals; #5), Mo’ed Koton (minor times; intermediate festival days; #6), Rosh Ha Shana (New Year; #7), Ta’anis (fasts, and self-deprivation; #8), Yoma (day – Yom Kippur; #9), Sukko (booth – feast of tabernacles; #10), Shekelim (tithing and sacrifice-contributions; #11), and finally Megilla (which is about Purim; #12).

This line of questioning echoes a story of Eliyahu Hanavi, as he faced down the priests of Baal on Har Carmel. As they each brought sacrifices and rejoiced in their Avoidah Zarah, Eliyahu chose to sit on the side and clip coupons, rather than participate. And when it came time to show the power of the Aimishteh, Eliyahu chose to consume all the priests with fire, rather than pay to provide refreshments for everyone.

Eliyahu HaNovi = Elijah the Prophet. The name Elijah translates as ‘my god is lord’. His nickname, from his place of origin, is ‘the Tishbite’ (haTishbi). A rabble-rouser and bad-influence, you don’t want your children to play with him.

His period of exile in the wilderness is oddly echoed in the tale of John the Baptist, who was fed by crows while living in the wilds near the river Jordan (as, indeed, much of the Kristic mythos is a conscious echoing of well known themes from Hebrew scripture - as Koheles says, there is nothing new under the sun, and all is vanity).

Eliyahu HaNovi left the world of the living in a fiery chariot, pulled by flaming horses, which came from the sky to lift him up. It is said that when the Moshiach comes, his imminent arrival will be announced by the return of Eliyahu, for whom we fill a cup and leave a space each peysach, and for whom a chair is provided at each bris, in the hopes that mirtzeshem it should happen soon and in our lifetime.

According to the RAN, this story captures the essential dilemma of ambivalence we all feel at this time of year. All year long we function as a part of external secular society, with our own traditions and peculiarities accepted in an air of viva la differance. But at Christmas time we are not Battul BeShishim; we stand out as the minority that we are.

The Ran = Rabbeinu Nisim Ben Rav Reuven Girondi (d. ~1380), whose supercommentary on the mefarsh of the Rif (Rabbi Yitzhak El Fassi, 1013 – 1103) is printed in the back of the Gemoro, along with the Rosh (Rabbi Asher Ben Yechiel, 1250 – 1328). Every student encounters these three with regularity, and learns to appreciate the interplay of their reasoning and thought processes.

Battel be shishim = Annulled by (as less than one part in) sixty, a point at which contamination of food is considered negated, EXCEPT during peysach. During Peysach, any contamination, no matter how minute, disqualifies the substance thus polluted, which must be discarded as unfit.
Assimilation can only go so far – comes a point when we have to say ‘include me out’. We are to be separate, bein ha goyim – that’s why country clubs and retail pricing exist.

According to some authorities, the use of the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ betrays one’s status as a secular humanistic Sodom-and-Gomorah lifestyle adhering liberal pinko commie (meaning, in this context, a Jew) – so it is recommended that instead of wishing someone a happy holiday, you merely grunt sincerely.

If someone tries to press the issue by insisting ‘merry Kratchmatch’, you may respond with a heartfelt ‘bah humbug’ (a neutral and traditional sentiment uttered at this time of year).
Or more grunting.

The minority that we are = Why is this said? Because Krutchmitch celebrates the birthday of Mithras, a Persian prophet, at the end of six days of orgies in Rome marking the solstice (it used to be called Saturnalia). Even if the followers of Yushka had not opportunistically grabbed the holiday as soon as the previous users had left, we would feel a little put off – the Persians tried to whack us several times, then the Romans tried to exterminate us.

Perhaps because this strange idolatrous Perso-Roman amalgam is NOT our first choice of inclusionary celebrations our ancestors ignored the advertising campaign and refused the free action figures.

Either that or tacky plastic figurines in red bekeshes remind us too much of those neighbors we can’t stand, despite having our ears to the wall all day Saturday listening to the game on their television, the heathens, and grunt sincerely whenever they greet us.

Mithras = The saviour deity of a syncretist Graeco-Persian mystery religion which competed with Christianity for the disaffected vote. Mitra was the intermediary between mortals and Ahura Mazda (the benevolent creator of all that is good), and protected adherents against Ahriman (the evil spirit). His sect was wide-spread in the Roman military, appealing to loyalists of Rome as well as mercenaries striving for honour. Very Roman.
The Roman military, in mittn drinnen, were psychopaths.

It is remarkable how many correspondences there are in the Kristic haggadah to Mithraist themes: three wise guys, a star in the east, divinely ‘inspired’ pregnancy, a mother of utter purity, miraculous childhood, disappearance for several years, disputations with priests, and a miraculous ascent, to name just a very few. There is nothing new under the sun, and all of this is utter vanity.

One could certainly think of Yushkism as a syncretic Hebreo-Persian corollary to Mithraism, a version of Zoroastrianism more tailored to stiff-necked rebels against Rome than to the troops sent to deal with uppity Jews of whatever stripe. Which it may very well have been, given the times and the tendency towards cultural fusion, contamination, and overlapping idolatries.
But no wonder so many Roman legionnaires converted – they were very confused, takkeh.
And psychopaths.

Did I mention that Koheles says there is nothing new under the sun?

It is davka because of all the avoideh zara going around in this period that Eliyahu Hanovi, being mamesh filled with bile, had the prophets of Baal put to death after besting them in a magic-competition on Mount Carmel.

Yet, we needn't abandon this Yuntif entirely, given our myriad connections to it:

- Jesus was, of course, a Jew. Indeed, a medrish in Matthew Rabbah refers to him using a cell phone in a movie theatre and taking Mary Magdolyn on a shidduch date for drinks at the local Marriot;

"Jesus was, of course, a Jew" = Wow! Am I surprised (I thought he was a min, or even a koifer ba ikker). And what a coincidence that he was born on the same day as Mithras!
Maybe they just couldn’t remember the exact day, and arbitrarily decided that a popular heathen feast-day was as good a day as any to celebrate a birthday – no work, lots of parties to go to, and a good old-fashioned bean-feed to cap it off.
Lots of bishel akum, some wine, and some really hot shiksas.

Of course, the fact that he didn’t graduate from yeshiva and make a good shidduch was also an excuse for high drama. That, and his evident denial of the fundamentals (ikkerim) of his faith (emunah). Amongst which are the non-mortality, the indescribability, and the indivisible unity of Hashem.

So imagine, if you will, a woman named Miriyam wailing: "I have no son! He’s dead, do you hear me, dead!"[I would’ve thought it much better to have her echo Yakov’s lament, when he was told that Yoisef had snuffed it; "Alas, I will go down to She’ol to my son, in utter sorrow" (Seifer Bereishis, Parshas Vayeishev (and he settled), psook (verse) 37:35).
But then, I’m not in the business of inventing a religion, and heck, she may have been told that there was no body and no proof - ‘have-us a corpus, or not have-us a corpus, that is the question’.]

Alternatively, kvelling over him besting his teachers at arguing Talmud-Torah.


And that rumour of Mary Magdalene being a prostitute sounds exactly like what a disappointed mother would say about that shiksa her son was seeing. Mary Magdalene was probably blonde.

It is said that when the children of Chassidim and Misnagdim marry, both parents mourn for the dead.

How much more so Kratchmachnikim and people.

Nearly two millennia later, and we’re still hearing about that woman’s ‘precious’ son.

Yikes.

- Christmas tree lights are a modern day expression on the ancient Germanic festival of lights commemorating the winter solstice. This, in itself, is partly reflected in the lighting of the Chanukah candles;

Ancient Germanic festival = Bringing dead pine-trees into the house is a recipe for disaster – there’s already a fire-hazard with the flame under the blech left on full bore over shabbes, ober mit an etz-kretshmatsh, dos gonze hoys volt gehn in flammen oyf.

Yule, by the way, the ancient Germanic festival referenced above, had Indo-European roots – hence the somewhat similar celebration in ancient Persia, also at the time of the solstice.
And, like peysach, Persians still celebrate the beginning of spring as the new year, and serve a fruit and nut compote as a festive dish, along with several symbolic foods in a dining ritual, reminiscent of the charoses we eat during chag ha aviv and the tiefe symbolizmuz of our own seder.

Might that mean that our yomim tovim are mere echoes or mirrorings of the chagim ha goyim?

Absolutely not!
And chasvechollileh!

The Zohar asserts that certain times of the year are mesugal that certain events have to happen then.

Pesach happened when it did because at that time of the year we have the shtarke tendenz of cheirus. Mimeila yetzios mitzrayim, b'hechrach.

At the end of the summer, the Shaarei Rachamim are especially open, and that time is mesugal for teshuvah – hence Yoim Kippur and the other Yomim Noraim.

This time of year normal people have a tiefe teivah for Chinese food.

- Christmas is a celebration of...RETAIL. According to the RAMBAM's Mishnah Toirah, one of the key Mitzvois Asei SheHazman Gerammah is the raising of ALL prices by 20% between December 10th and December 24th. Boruch Hashem for Kratzmach -- this Yuntif pays for my kids' Yeshivah tuition! Indeed, all of my talmidim are encouraged to contribute
to a Christmas fund for families who cannot afford toys, the Kratzmach Gemach, so that Jewish merchants will not suffer because the Goyim are in the middle of a recession.

The end of the civil year is mesugal for retail. We are zoiche to benefit from that, as indeed iz dos gonze oilam, baruch Hashem. It is an ungezetste tzeit, what better way to clear your karma than by buying geshenkn fur di gonze mishpoche – especially if you lack the kidooshah and nemonus to withstand advertising.

And with winter broken, the entire family can help in the store. A great yuntif.

- There is a famous Mishnah that states that just as Roish Hashanah is the New Year for the universe and Tu BiShvat is the New Year for trees, Christmas is the New Year for big, fat, bearded white guys. And I know many Rabbanim in our community who should therefore celebrate this Yuntif too.

Roish Hashanah, Tu Bishvat = Two new years festivals – Roish Hashanah takes place in autumn, Tu Bishvat in winter.

There is a famous Maiseh SheHoya about the Lubavitcher Rebbe. In an effort to raise money for vodka for his Chasidim one year, he dressed up as Santa Clause and stood in front of the local Bloomingdales, pretending to be from the Salvation Army. Who should walk by, but his archenemy, the Satmar Rebbe.

Lubavitcher = Adherents of the Chassidic lineage founded by Rav Shneur Zalman (1745 – 1813) of Liadi, a student of the Maggid of Mezzeritch Rav Dov Baer (1710 – 1772), who was taught by the Ba’al Shem Tov Rabbi Yisroel Ben Eliezer (1698 – 1760).

Satmar Rebbe = The Krulyer rebbe, Rav Yoel Teitelbaum (1887 – 1979), a descendant of the Yismach Moishe (Rav Moishe Teitelbaum, 1759 – 1841), who became Rebbe of Satmar in Hungary in 1929, and rebuilt Satmar Chassidus in the U.S. after WWII.

"So, Menachem-Mendel," the Satmar Rebbe declared in a loud voice, "Your movement truly has evolved into another religion."

Evolved into another religion = An accusation first made by the misnagdim about Chassidus. But who listens to them? They have charismatic rebbes? Teevee preachers? Madonna?

"Not at all," the Lubavitcher Rebbe calmly replied. "We simply never miss an opportunity to find joy. What do you say you and I do a couple of shots, sing a niggun, and make-up underneath the mistletoe?"

Niggun = A song with words of no particular meaning, or great particular meaning, often having a supra-textual meaning not immediately clear from the lyrics. Very Chassidish – when you’re happy, sing and dance. When you’re sad, sing and dance. Song and dance, in that they lift the spirit out of the ordinary, are a form of devotion.

Cynics say that a Rebbe with scant talent for mussar (didactic moral Torah lecture) will instead urge his chossidim to sing niggunim around the shabbes-tish. Yet others have said that only a great tzadik can compose an effective niggun, because only such a man can instill a complete sermon into pure emotion.

It is also said that a great Rebbe will infuse a mitzvah-tanz with all that is in the Torah, and perform with great spiritual grace at the chassunah, whereas an unexceptional Rebbe merely infuses it with the meaning of the Sears Catalogue, and crashes into the kallah.

You had to be there.

The Satmar Rebbe was so upset by the confrontation that day, he insisted that all of his followers use reindeer meat in their cholent that shabbos.

"When Father Kratchmatch’s son was born in the garage, native herdsmen came around with reindeer, and the Kingston Trio with da ganja, da spleeve, and da bong. Tiny Tim roasted a lamb, and they all got shikker on eggnog because there was no rum at the inn."

You wouldn’t believe the superstition and bobe-meises my youngest comes home with this time of year! Almost as if she was tinoke she nishba bein ha goyim. Urrrghh!

Cholent = A very dangerous dish made with meat, lentils, onions, spices, which is stuck into an oven on low over Friday night, so that, as is a mitzvah to us, we may partake of a hot meal and acid-reflux on Saturday afternoon. Only those zoiche to be nifter are excused, everybody else gets a shot of Pepso-Bishmoil.

Meanwhile, the Lubavitcher Rebbe raised enough money to keep his Chasidim drunk through the end of the month of Tayvais. That night, the Reboinoisheloilum came to him in a dream. "Rebbe," the Aimishteh said, "Have I not given you enough to celebrate in Yiddishkeit? Why are you and your followers embracing another religion?"

Embracing another religion = Did someone say that the Rebbe was the Moshiach Ben Dovid? But there are also those who hold that the Rebbe was Moshiach Ben Yoisif. Both beliefs are meshune, to say the least.

Ober voss iz mit a nomen? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

"But Hakkadoshbaruchhu," the Lubavitcher Rebbe responded, "we have not strayed from Yiddishkeit. It's not as if any of my Chasidim will ever embrace the concept of resurrection or anything like that."

Resurrection or anything = Instead, some doubt that he died. But thousands of others attended the funeral, and heard the hesped. There is scant room for doubt, though there’s always room for denial and years and years of therapy.
Damn’ hippies.

So we have a lot more in common with Christmas than we originally thought. We should therefore neither ignore the holiday nor treat it with disrespect. Rather, we should treat it as the money making opportunity that it truly is.

Sell them dreidels.


Ah Gutten Yuntif, You Mechutziff.

Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshiva Chipas Emmess

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COMING REALLY, REALLY SOON, THOUGH NOT IN TIME FOR CHAG HaYUSHKAH, YOU MECHUTZIFF -- VOLUME ONE OF THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN, WITH THE PUBLICATION SUPPORT OF THE RAGU AND THE COMMENTARY OF THE RABAM SHLITA.

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Note: Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein soll sein gazunt is the Rosheshiva of the East Coast campus, the Rabam is a notorious drunkard in San Fra...., errrmm, I mean administers the West Coast campus, located in beautiful downtown San Francisco. Inquire about tuition. Takka mamesh a mitzva, sey gazunt. Bli neder.

PARSHAS CHAYEI SARAH REVISITED

ALL BEGINNINGS ARE HARD = kol haschalos kashos (Mechilta Shemos 19, Parshas Yisro).

The text underneath relates to Parshas Chayei Sarah. Much of it is from the RABAM, who is Rabbi Pinky Shmeckelstein's collaborator, and Rosheshiva of Yeshiva Chipas Emess West Coast, sometimes located in beautiful downtown San Francisco, sometimes somewhere listening to da steel bands ya man!

You might want to have a bit of bronfen while drinking this - it is deep stuff, and you're gonna need help. Like much of the Rabam's scribbling it only makes sense if you have Rabbi Pinky's drasha in front of you, along with a copy of the Torah.

[And yes, tayere Lakewoodyid, I've cleaned it up!]


RIVKA'S AGE

It was after the passing of his wife that Avraham decided to marry off his son.
[Forty years old, and still living with his father? Achenebbish!]

Rashi postulates that Rivka was an infant, azoi: Sarah Imeinu was 90 when Yitzhok was born, 127 years old when Avrohom and Yitzhak go up the mountain. After the Akeida, Avrohom et famiglia return to Be’er Sheva, then Sarah dies in Chevron, at which time Yitzhak was 37. Then Avrohom hears of the birth of Rivka, who his son Yitzhok will marry in three years.
From this Rashi shpers that Rivka was three years old.

Ibn Ezra, ma she’ein kein, takes a far less meshune tack on this, pointing out (Seder Olam Rabba) that Rivka’s birth is mentioned before Sarah’s death, even though Avrohom only hears about it afterwards. Ibn Ezra further postulates that at least a dozen years passed between the Akeidah and the death of Sarah Imaeinu, and if Rivka was born in the same year as the binding, then she was only thirteen years younger than Yitzhak – not so much a chidush as a much more reasonable assumption.
After all, a three year old is hardly likely to be at the village well drawing buckets of water for the household, giving an elderly gentleman (Eliezer) a tip of a jug for a drink of water, AND watering his camels.

Supporting the belief that Rivka was three years old at the time of her shidduch, Beraishis Rabba 58:2 says ‘Ere Hashem allows the sun of one righteous person to set, He causes the sun of the next righteous person to rise’, which is taken to mean that G-d balanced out the death of Sarah with the birth of Rivka.

But should we really assume so close a match in time?

Probably not. In Bereishis 24:16, Rivka is referred to as a na’arah, which means a girl who has reached the age of sexuality – at least bat mitzvah age, or even older. A girl who would’ve been much more likely to slide down from the camel she was riding when first seeing her future husband, whereas a three year old would’ve probably fallen off and hurt herself (which is not how it is described in this parsha, though in the Gemara...).

A teenager, in other words.

The Vilna Gaon cites Beraishis Rabba 56:11 which says that Yitzhak was 26 years old at the time of the Akeidah, and that Sarah Imaeinu did not die at that time, as it was at the end of the time when Avrohom and his family lived in the land of the Pelishtim, and after that they lived in Chevron for another twelve years. So, if Avrohom heard of Rivka’s birth after the death of our mother Sarah, then Rivka would have indeed been a na’arah.

[But Rashi disagrees, telling us "because through (hearing) the report that her son was bound for slaughter, her soul flew from her and she died. In other words Avraham killed his wife by pretending to kill her son.]


Now note further that Rashi states that 127 years signifies one hundred years of being like the innocence of a twenty year old, and the twenty signifies the beauty of a seven year old.

[The beauty of a seven year old!?!??.]


SARAH'S TOMB

Meuras Ha Machpelah = The cave of Machpelah, which is by the oaks of Mamre asher mipnei Chebron. A choice bit of real-estate owned by Efron the Hittite.

When Avraham made inquiries about the cave on the property of Efron the Hittite, the elders of the community wish to give it to Avraham, but he refused it as gift, instead insisting on purchase, at a fair price, so that thereafter no one can say that he took land, or was dependent upon strangers for the grave of his wife. It is the first part of the Eretz Kadosh owned by the Bnei Yisroel. It is on the Yishmoeli side of the line, and hence disputed over by Arabs, Jews, and Reb David Wilder.


ELIEZER

Avraham sends Eliezer, his steward, to Aram Naharaim (the land of Aram between the rivers: Mesopotamia. Modern Bavel) to find a women among his kinfolk who has all the virtues that a woman who will give birth to the nation of Yisrael will need – a suitable mother of a tribe which will be numerous as the grains of sand and the stars in the sky.

Eliezer travels north-eastward, and comes to a well outside the city. At this point, he is wondering how to complete the task that Avraham set him.

It then says in psook 24:14 "Ve haya ha naara asher omar eleiha hati-na chadech ve eshte ve amra shete ve gam-gemaleicha ashke ota hochachta le avdecha le Yitzhak u va eda ki-asita chesed im-adoni"
(So let it be ordered, that the girl to whom I shall say ‘lower your pitcher, I ask you, that I may drink’ shall say ‘drink, and I will give your camels to drink also"; let this same one be she that you have designated for your servant, for Isaac, and thereby shall I know that you are kind to my master).

Psook 24:15 "va yehi-hu terem kila le daber, ve hine, Rivka yotset asher yulda li Vtuel ben Milka eishet Nachor achi Avraham ve chada al-shichma"
(And so it happened that before he had finished speaking, that, lo, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, the son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher on her shoulder).

Psook 24:16 "ve ha na’ara tovat mare meod betula, ve ish lo yedaa, va tered ha aina va temale chada va taal"
(And the girl was very nice to look upon – and a virgin whom no man had known, and she went down to the spring, and filled her pitcher, and came up).

Psook 24:17 "va yarats ha eved likrata, va yomer ha gemiini na meat-mayim mikadech"
(And the servant ran to meet her, and said 'please give me a little water to drink from your pitcher').

Psook 24:18 "va tomer shete adoni, va temaher va tored kada al-yada va tashkehu"
(And she said: 'drink, my lord', and she promptly lowered her pitcher onto her other hand (to support it), and gave him drink).

Psook 24:19 "va techal le hashkoto va tomer gam li gmaleicha eshav ad im-kilu lishtot"
(And when she had given him drink, she said 'I will draw for your camels also, until they too have drunk').

Psook 24:20 "va temaher va tear kada el ha shoket, va tarats od el-ha beer lishov va tishav lechol-gemalav"
(And she emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again to the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels).

Psook 24:21 "ve ha ish mishtae la macharish la daat hahitsliach Adonai darko im-lo"
(And the man observed her thoroughly, saying naught, to know whether the Lord had made his journey fortunate or not).

Psook 24:22 "va yehi ka asher kilu ha gemalim lishtot, va yikach ha ish nezem zahav beka mishkalo u shenei tsemidim al-yadeiha asara zahav mishkalam"
(And so it happened that when the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring of half a shekel in weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight in gold).


Question: why does Eliezer put his hand underneath Avrohom's thigh?

Per Rashi: "one who takes an oath must take in his hand an object of a commandment (an item with which a mitzvah was performed) such as a Torah scroll or a set of tfillin. And circumcision was the first commandment given to him, so Avraham had Eliezer take hold of his manly part, because it was precious to him".


[If Yitzhok had gotten married while his mother was still alive, Rivka would’ve been big with seed within mere months; it is well known that grandchildren are caused by nagging mothers-in-law.]

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Ibn Ezra = Abraham Ben Meir Ibn Ezra, born between 1089 and 1093 (probably the latter), died 1167. Native of Tudela in the emirate of Sarragosa. One of the greatest Torah commentators and a forerunner of modern criticism. Much admired by Spinoza, he was one of the first to translate writings of Muslims and Arabic-speaking Jews into Hebrew. A rationalistic and scientific minded interpreter of Talmud-Torah, a grammarian, and a mystic. A scholar whose profound influence on later scholars continues even today.

Rashi = Rabbi Shlomo ben Yitzhak, a mediaeval bible commentator (1040 - 1105) from Troyes. His commentary and annotation of the Torah and Talmud is often included on the printed page, and is considered the basis from whence all study of the material must grow. He was thorough, but not always correct. By the unimaginative he is made much of.

[Tayere Rabbosai, he did not invent the Torah, he merely inherited it – so stop acting like he’s the second coming of Moishe already!]



The Vilna Gaon = The Genius (Gaon) of Vilna (Vilnius - the capitol city of Lithuania, once the intellectual heartland of Yiddishkeit). Rabbi Eliyahu Ben Shlomo Zalman, 1720 - 1797. He and his followers were called the Mitnagdim (opposers) because of their rejection of mysticism and mumbo-jumbo, to which category they reckoned Hasidus.
He is also called the GRA (an acronym of Gaon Rav Eliyahu), and also Ha Gaon Ha Chassid Mi Vilna – the saintly genius of Vilna.
By what is he a genius?
As a toddler he memorized the Torah, at the age of seven he was studying Talmud, and by ten he was already engaged upon independent study. When barely an adult, he was consulted by rabbeyim regarding halacha, by goyishe scientists regarding astronomy and mathematics.
In his late fifties he became embroiled in the quarrel between the followers of the Besht (Ba’al Shem Tov; Yisroel Ben Eliezer, 1698 to 1760, the founder of Chassidus), who at that time were led by Rabbi Shneer Zalman of Liyadi (1745 to 1813, founder of Lubavitch and ancestor or Rebbe Shneerson), versus the mainstream of Rabbinical Judaism.
The upshot was that the entire Chassidic community was put under a cherem (decree of excommunication), and it was forbidden to associate with them in any way.
The Gaon was not a much published writer in his lifetime, but collections of his commentaries and glosses to many major works were published in the years following his death. Among others: Shanos Eliyahu (the years of Eliyahu – a commentary on the Mishna), Aderes Eliyahu (the glory of Eliyahu – a commentary on the Torah), and perhaps most notably the Biur Ha Gra (Gloss of the Gra – an annotation and supercommentary on the Bavli and the Shulchan Aruch).
He was a humble and somewhat withdrawn man – it should be noted that the titles above were put on works assembled after his death.
He did not refer to himself as the saintly Chassid of Vilna, nor to his Torah commentary as glorious. But we do.

PARSHAS KI SAVO

So, pursuant one of yesterday's posts (see here: http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2006/09/dam-dam-diddy-diddy-dam-dam.html ) a correspondent best left unnamed shreibs: "Dude, I didn't understand a single friggin' word of this. Just what the balazes is a Yeshiva - some kind of rock group?! And are you on crack?"

Dear 'best-left-unnamed',
Yes. To both. Yeshiva Chipass Emess West Coast is the hottest heavy metal band this side of the Alleghenies. Trust me.


The one and only Boropark Pyro asks if there is such a thing as a Modern Orthodox Yeshiva (see here: http://boroparkpyro.blogspot.com/2006/09/modern-orthodox-yeshiva.html ), and poses that "We need a place where people can go to do nothing but learn, intensively and seriously"

And remarkably, the response to his shaylah is the virtually the same.

Yes. To both. Yeshiva Chipass Emess West Coast is the hottest M.O. Yeshiva this side of the Alleghenies. Trust me.


Let me prove that be reproducing the latest issue of the weekly 'RABAM Commentary On Pinky Schmeckelstein' (Parshas Kee Suhvoh -- With The Commentary of the RABAM) below.
Please note that the small bold text is the commentary of the Rabam. The original shiur text by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein (sollst sein shtark und gazunt) is in large type, italics.

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PARSHAS KEE SUHVOH

Ki Savo, the seventh parsha in this Seyfer. The title means "when you enter". Taken together with the previous parsha it’s a mess, but even more so by itself. Better you should read it in between some light TV – we suggest ‘Di Taglishes Sho’ with Rav Yonosson Stevartabam.
Psookim 26:1 through 29:8.
‘When you enter’, as title, contrast with the name of the previous parsha, Kee Saitzay, ‘when you exit’.

"When you enter, do not wake the owner" (Chiddushei Baal Ha Turetz).


This week's Parsha, Parshas Kee Suhvoh, features the most acidic chapter in the entire Toiras Moishe: the Toichecha, or Rebuke, in which Moishe Rabbeinu lays out the negative consequences of Klal Yisroel disobeying the Rebboinoisheloilum. The punishments include death, insanity, poverty, exile, children taken away from parents, and significantly higher taxes.

The Toichecha = Quite unreadable. The admonitions and punishments. The nasty things that will happen if you do not obey, being like the fine print in a rental contract, which is why it is customarily read fast. A paradigm of boilerplate.



Let's be perfectly frank -- You do not want to go to shul this week to hear the parsha! Stay home, put your feet up, watch a pay-per- view, do a little mitzvah with your wife, do a little work in the garage, unstop the toilets, change the cat litter, clean for Pesach eight months early -- anything to not have to listen to this Parsha. And if you do you go to shul, bring plenty of reading material. I highly recommend the new issue of The Knish at (http://www.theknish.com/).

The Knish = All hail Bodek, without whom we have nothing to read during the Tocheicha.
Bulbelishes!

Of course, you should also re-read this vort from Y.C.E., as well as all previous gitteverter, but if you’re caught with it, everyone will know whence come your deep insights. Including that hard to impress yenta whose daughter you married.


Why, the stuff in this Parsha is so harsh, it can even get my mother-in-law to stop talking for a few minutes, Imirtza Hashem.

Imirtza Hashem = Im yirtze Hashem: Aimishteh willing - with the help of the Aimishte. The phrase ‘be ezras Hashem’ (with the help of the Aimishteh – Aimishteh willing) means virtually the same. Abbreviated respectively as IYH and B’H.

Mother-in-law = Mechutenista; Schviver. B’siyata de-shemaya you should have a better one. After all, there’s more than one kind of chicken soup in the sea.


A gemarra in Baba Metzia cites a Braisa in which Rabbi Akiva asks: Why is Hakkadoshboruchhu so damn angry at Klal Yisroel all the time? Rav Huna answers that when we were young, the Aimishteh once sent us to the store to buy eggs, but we never gave Him back all the change, and he has held a grudge ever since.

Gemarra = A term both singular and plural. In the plural it refers to the superstructure of Talmud, being sixty three masechtes (tractates, volumes) of Aramaic commentary and discourse on the Mishna. In the singular it usually refers to the individual passages which encompass an entire chain of thought, such as back-story, historical incidents, and anecdotes, in addition to the margin scribbles of other students, and the phone numbers of hot shiksas.

Bava Metzia = The Middle Gate, one of three masechtes named Baba in the order of Nezikin (Damages). The other two are Bava Kamma (First Gate), and Bava Batra (Last Gate).
Originally they were combined into one very large gate, but as the Gemara for these gates in the Bavli are clearly edited by different redactors, the division into a triple-headed monster seems logical. Bava Metzia deals with resolving disputes, witness-oaths, possession, acquisition, transfer of title, loans, repossession, legal documents, and tithes.

Note: Metzia in Ivrit and Yiddish is NOT the same word, even though it looks identical. In Aramaic, middle; in Ivrit, a good find, and by extension of that meaning, in Yiddish, a bargain, a good purchase. Such a metzia = Such a bargain dearie.
Bava Kamma = First Gate: damages in several categories, liabilities, compensation.

Bava Batra = Last Gate: Land ownership, inheritance and succession, court transactions relating thereto, claims, relatives, disinheritances.

Nezikin = Damages. That order of the Talmud devoted to civil law (mostly), being the administration of justice, procedures and protocols, personal law, and a few crimes not covered elsewhere. Ten tractates: Bava Kamma (First Gate), Bava Metzia (Second Gate), Bava Batra (Last Gate), Sanhedrin (The Supreme Council), Makkot (Whippings), Shevuot (Oaths), Eduyot (Testimony), Avodah Zarah (Heathen Practices), Avot (Pirkei Avos - The Chapters or Ethics of the Fathers; Perek = chapter, Avos = fathers), Horayot (Decisions - mostly sin-offerings for Sanhedrinal error).

Rabbi Akiva = Talmudic noodge. A great scholar and teacher of the third century, student of Nahum of Gimtso, Rabbi Eliezer, and Rabbi Tarfon, who also are Talmudic noodges. He was sentenced to death by the Romans for teaching Torah to even more Talmudic noodges, and ripped to shreds with iron spikes as he recited the Shema Yisroel, expiring on the word 'echad' (one, signifying the unity of the divine).

Rav Huna = Another Talmudic noodge.

And are you really that fond of your mechutenista's jellied carp? You should visit Dovbear’s house for a proper boiled carp in jelly instead.

However, Rabbi Abba suggests that the Rebboinoisheloilum's anger is linked to the definition of the Jews being the "Chosen People." Rabbi Abba cites the traditional view of Shir HaShirim in which the male Hakkadoshboruchhu sees Klal Yisroel as the nation chosen to be His wife. And when a Jew is unfaithful and does something against a direct command, such as worshiping idols or eating fish and meat with the same plastic fork at a kiddush, He gives in to His uncontrollable jealous temper and smacks us around a bit. Rabbi Abba goes on to say that we really did deserve it, and promise not to tell the neighbors how we got our black eye, just He should please not do it ever again.

Chosen People = Because we said "we will do and we will listen" at Matan Toireh, thus becoming tied into a contractual relationship with the party of the ultimate first part. Hence we are chosen, as it says "asher bahar banu mi kol ha amim" (who has chosen us among all the peoples), and we are to be a priestly nation. However the status is conditional upon obedience, according to some authorities, and one might wonder what to make of our frequently not very favourable treatment by fate and the nations – being ‘chosen’ might not be an unalloyed blessing after all, choleelah.

Rabbi Abba = Talmudic noodge. Abba Shaul, a scholar quoted in Pirkei Avos (Chapters of the fathers), chapter two, psook 9: ‘He (R. Yochanan) used to say "If all the sages of Israel were to be on one side of a balance-scale, and Eliezer Ben Hyrkanos were on the other, he would tip them all. Abba Shaul said, in his (namely R. Yochanan Ben Zakkai’s) name "If all the sages of Israel were to be on one side of a balance-scale, Eliezer Ben Hyrkanos also, and Elazar Ben Arach were on the other, he would tip them all".’

This was said in reference to Yochanan Ben Zakkai's five famous students: Rabbi Eliezer Ben Hyrkanos, Rabbi Joshua Ben Chanania, Rabbi Yossei Ha Kohen, Rabbi Shimon Ben Netanel and Rabbi Elazar ben Arach. Who were Talmudic noodges.

Rabbi Abba was the scribe to whom Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai dictated the Zohar before his death, expiring at nightfall on the thirty-third day of the Omer (thirty three days after Peysach). It is said that to allow Rabbi Yochanan to finish dictating, the sun stood still, refusing to set, for so long that fire burst out all around the house where Rabbi Yochanan and his talmedim were gathered. When the last word was written down, a brilliant glow enveloped the building, and Rabbi Yochanan returned his soul to his maker. And the sun set.

Shir HaShirim = The Song of Songs, which is Solomon’s. One of the most exciting pieces of poetry ever. Lush, lyrical, intoxicating, a veritable fandango of erotic imagery. Oh my rebbele!

I’ll never think of fruit the same way again. Neither should you.
Particularly, bananas.

Rabbi Abba quotes a beautiful medrish that says that in the heavenly realm of the Aimishteh, where He sits on His throne of fire surrounded by angels playing harps, violins, flutes and accordions, as the human world recites this Parsha once a year, after each passuk (verse) the Rebboinoisheloilum responds "One of these days Alice, one of these days! POW, right in the kisser!"

Medrish = A derivational example, often in narrative or simile format.

Accordions = Polka if you’re bad, Cajun dances if you’re good. North Korean hymns if you’ve been truly awful. Which reminds me – why does she STILL make p’tcha? Horrible jiggly boiled down cattle-feet gelée. Yakkes!

Rava disagrees. He suggests that indeed Klal Yisroel was chosen, but not as a wife. Rather, we were chosen to be a pet dog. And just like a pet dog, we require discipline whenever we go on the carpet. And we shouldn't complain, because if He ever really tires of us we might get dropped off at the local pound. Or even worse, sold to a Korean restaurant.

Rava = Talmudic noodge. The study companion and successor to Abaya (a Talmudic noodge) as head of the academies in Bavel Born circa 270 CE, died 350 CE.

Korean restaurant = Great food, but truly horrible taste in music. Accordions. Socialist-hero of the working class pep-rally marches. High pitched kinderlech singing old-style soviet lieder, and revolutionary paeans to the great immortal leader, ill sung. A fate worse than death.
A fate worse than death? Her lokshn kugel! If you don’t have another helping, tocheicha, tocheicha, tocheicha!


Abaye agrees that we are like pets. However, he suggests that we are more like a pet goldfish. We are surrounded by other fish, some larger and some smaller. We get fed once a day if we're lucky. We have little or no real interaction with our benefactor. Other fish are constantly nipping at out tailfins. There is poop on the bottom of the tank and algae building up on the walls. The filter breaks down once in a while. And the best we can hope for is that at the end of 120 years we will die a natural death and be flushed down the toilet. Says Abaye, this Parsha is the best reason yet to convert to Catholicism. The only reason he doesn't is because he would rather have someone nipping at his tails than fondling his fins, if you know what I mean.

Abaye = Talmudic noodge. Study-partner of Rava (see above), one of the greatest of Amoraim (Talmudic noodges), head of the academies at Sura and at Pumbedita, who dwelt in Ma’ozah on the Tigris. Died 338 C.E.

Rava and Abaya = Nudzhein Ha Talmudeinu.


Catholicism = An all-embracing and yet all-excluding religion known by Ollandim as the tofel emunah (the ‘old religion’), because so many of the first Yidden in the Netherlands were refugees from Spain and Portugal, where they had been forced to convert. It is a religion with some bizarre rituals – white smoke means "we have another pontiff", black smoke means "we’re burning down the Gran’ Esnoga, again". Pax vobiscum.

Ollandim = Netherlandish Jews. In 1593, over twenty years after the Netherlands rebelled against the Spanish king Philip (who had inherited the united provinces), ten families fleeing Spain landed in Holland, and learned from Mozes Oerie Asjkenazie (Rabbi Moishe Uri, a Rabbi from Germany) that while the Dutch were suspicious of Spaniards, they were not so about Jews. Upon his advice, they took lodging in Amsterdam, and shortly afterwards all the males underwent Bris Millah, with the oldest of them, Don Jacob Tirado, going first.

Within months, their numbers had been augmented by other Iberian refugees, and that autumn the new community observed Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur in a safety that they had not enjoyed in Spain in generations.

Within a decade, in 1602, they built a synagogue which they named Beit Jacob after the man who had taken them up from Spain.

More synagogues followed - Neve Shalom was founded between 1608 and 1612, Beit Israel in 1618. The Grand Synagogue (the ‘Esnoga' or 'Gran' Esnoga') was built between 1671 and 1675.


A similar pattern occurred in Rotterdam, when Abraham De Pinto (Don Gyl Lopes Pinto, born Lisbon 1588, died Rotterdam 1668) fled from Antwerp with his entire family and his dependents to the north in 1647, and converted back to the faith of his ancestors.

Less than three years later the Yesiba De Los Pintos was inaugurated in Rotterdam, with Chacham Josiau Pardo (son of David Pardo, and grandson of Yoseph Pardo, chief Rabbi of Amsterdam) as Ros Yesiba.

Like Jacob Tirado, Abraham De Pinto was a converso nobleman whose family had fled to Portugal when the heat of the inquisition became too fierce in Spain. And like Jacob Tirado, he brought wealth plus business skills and commercial relationships with him when he came, having prepared his escape over a period of many years.


In the centuries following, more synagogues were built, printing presses founded, Rabbis educated (among them Menasseh Ben Israel (Manoel Dias Soeiro), 1604 - 1657). At the height of the community there were nearly five thousand Dutch Sefardim, at present a scant eight hundred.

In addition to the Esnoga, one other Sefardic treasure of note remains in the Netherlands, namely the Ets Haim library (which contains also the Livraria Montezinos, being the private library of David Montezinos, donated to Ets Haim in 1889), which is in the Esnoga complex, and was part of Yesiba Ets Haim (Academia Y Yesiba Ets Haim, fundado en 1616). It is one of the world’s great book collections. Six incunabula, five hundred original manuscripts and over thirty-thousand printed books, on many subjects, in over a dozen languages.


In relation to Ets Haim (the tree of life, as the Torah is to all who cleave to her), it is appropriate to quote visitors to Amsterdam who were amazed by the freedom enjoyed by Jews there, and the brazen effrontery represented by so splendid a building as the Esnoga.

Let us start with the Papal Nuncio of Cologne, Lazaro Opizio Palavicino, who wrote: "Fra i nuovi edificii, viddi la synagoga degl’Hebrei, fabrica veramente magnifica e della quale non è degna quella gente vile" (between the new buildings I saw the synagogue of the Jews, truly magnificent, and which so odious a people do not deserve). A pox on his name.

The next is Rector Johannes Schudt of Frankfurt, who wrote as follows: "Eine allzu grosse Juden Freyheit in Holland is es, dasz man denen Juden verstattet, so gar kostbahre magnifique Synagogen zu bauen, die selbige noch als Gottes Haus lobet" (a too great freedom in Holland is, that they permit the Jews to build a maginificently expensive Synagogue, that even may represent the house of G-d).

He continues "Es setzet uns billig in die gröste verwunderung, is aber auch recht schändlich und unchristlich, dasz gar Christen für die Juden Freyheit gesucht, solche synagog erbauen dürffen" (It easily causes us the greatest wonderment, being however downright scandalous and unchristian, that even Christians should have sought for the Jews the freedom to dare build such a synagogue). It was his opinion that the officials of Amsterdam were a disgrace, and degeneratim for permitting such an affront. A pox on his name.


On the other hand, an Italian nobleman, Guido De Bovio, who visited Amsterdam in 1677, had nothing but praise for the synagogue, describing it as splendid building, well designed, and full of light, which he delighted in visiting. His name remains fragrant.


The final word on the Esnoga, deservedly, goes to the engraver Romeyn de Hooghe, who kvelled:
"Dits ‘t leerhuys van de Wet, ‘t gebeedenhuys der Jooden,
Een bouwmans meesterstuck, de eer van ‘t nieuwe werck ,
Aan d’Aemstel en het Y; dees Godt gewyede Kerck ,
Vreest geen gewetensdrang, noch pijnigen noch dooden.
Wast eedle Juddaestam en laet uw looten bloeyen ,
Wat doet de kracht van ‘t land als burgers aenwas groeyen."
[‘This is the academy of the Law, the prayer house of the Jews, An architect’s masterpiece, and pride of the new projects At the Amstel and Y (rivers); this sanctified kirk Fears no forced faith, nor torture, nor killings. Wax, noble trunk of Judah’s tribe, and let your new growth flower, That shall strengthen the country as her citizens thrive.’]


Sefardim from Spain (and Portugal and Livorno, where many of the Sefardim had originally sought refuge) were not the main, just the first Jewish population in the Netherlands.
Shortly after the Sefardim established themselves in Mokum Alef (Amsterdam), Ashkenazim from Germany flocked in, primarily to get away from the sumptuary laws, residential restrictions, and vile treatment that was traditional in Germany as regards Jews. The first Ashkenazic synagogue in Amsterdam was founded in 1635.

Even so, real equality had to wait till the Napoleonic era, though the House of Orange (ancient princely family of the Netherlands, hereditary stadtholders from the fifteenth to the nineteenth century, monarchs since 1815) consistently over-ruled local government when some city fathers sought to keep Jews out (which did not prevent certain cities whose legal ties to the Princes of Orange was 'ally' rather than 'subject' from restricting them). The States General had generally legislated tolerance, but left it up to the cities and states to 'enforce' same.

By the end of the seventeenth century most Jews in the Netherlands were Ashkenazim, in proportions that, roughly speaking, have been maintained ever since – over 90 percent Ashkenazim, scarcely 3 percent Sephardim. The remainder? Mixtures of differing Jewish background, plus mixtures of Jew and Gentile.

Most Jews lived in the Amsterdam - Rotterdam axis (about 80%), with the largest block outside being in Groningen and Drenthe provinces.
A noteworthy development in many places was the gradual take-over of Jewish institutions by Ashkenazim, especially as the easterners rose in social class, and the Sefardim faded in proportion and prominence. In some areas, synagogues were fought over for three or four generations or more. In Naarden, for instance, the Ashkenazim formed their own 'illegal' synagogue (the Sefardim had the only permit, and were the officially acknowledged leaders of the community there), and by the time the last absentee keepers of the keys (Joseph Teixeira de Mattos Henriques de Castro, David Henriques de Castro, Rachel Henriques de Castro, and Hanna Henriques de Castro, having succeeded Abraham van David Teixeira de Mattos) yielded their authority over the main synagogue (Beit Shalom) in 1885 it was nearly two centuries later, the ceiling had partially caved in, the walls were mildewed, the Ark had many years since been removed for safekeeping, and there were only about half a dozen resident members of the Sefardic kehilla left.

Another odd development were the so-called marginal or bog-Jews (similar to the hedge-Christians during the Spanish oppression): unregistered to any kehal (and so not paying any fees or dues), who, to the local Gentiles, were often just ‘those folks who don't go to our church'. Some of these were so utterly unconnected with any officially constituted Jewish bodies that a fair number were 'under the radar' during the war years. An old friend of the RABAM’s family named Chaim was birth-registered as Harry, because local officials did not know what a 'Chaim' was... Same situation with uncle Henry, also Chaim, who like Harry also survived those years under Gentile colours.

The middle class provincial Jews, however, who formed the link between the bog-Jews and the wider Jewish Oilam, were largely extinguished during the Shoah, and with their disappearance, many of the surviving marginal Jews disappeared from Jewish radar entirely.


In 1945, barely twenty percent of the Jewish population of the Netherlands (over 140 thousand in the nineteen-thirties, approximately thirty-thousand in 1945) had survived the war; they returned to communities which did not recognize them, and which were not particularly happy to see them back (as their betrayers often had survived the war unscathed, and many people at all levels of society had profited from the destruction that befell the Jews). There are now approximately 45 thousand Jews in the Netherlands, of whom 35 thousand can be said to be unquestionably Jewish, with the remaining ten thousand being mixed, mostly vader joods (father-Jewish).

On September 29th, 2005, the Dutch Railway Company officially apologized for having fully co-operated with the Germans in the deportation Dutch Jews. It was because of their efficiency, professionalism, and sheer dedication that the Germans could boast that the destruction of Dutch Jewry happened with greater ease than was the case anywhere else. It couldn’t have been done without them.

Thanks for the apology, dudes.

It’s a little late.


Ma’ase shehaya, kach haya (a tale that happened, as follows): Many years ago, on a wintry Friday evening, a family in Den Haag has one of the kids keep an eye out for a passerby to ask to stoke the stove for them (though it is beastly cold, shabbes-melacha is out of the question). A very dignified looking gentleman comes strolling down the street, is asked in, the situation explained, and the request made. Of course he will light the stove for them, with pleasure! When he has done so, they thank him, and as was customary give him an apple for his 'labour', asking his name at the same time.

He introduces himself, and hands them his card, on which can be read that their shabbes goy is a chief justice - and, coincidentally, a fellow Jew!


Jacob Tirado = Original name: Guimes Lopes Da Costa. He is described in correspondence as "Al muy illustre senyor Jacob Tyrado, parnas de la naçion Portuguese que reside en esta muy noble y opulenta villa de Amstradama" (The greatly illustrious gentleman Jacob Tirado, administrator of the Portugese nation, residing in the very noble and rich city Amsterdam). It should be remembered that ‘nation’ in those days did not have the connotation it has today, but referred to ethnic or national group, often residing among other such groups, much like tongue (lingua) could mean the speakers of a particular language in the armies of kings.



Commenting on this Gemarra, Reb Saadya Goyn offers a completely different interpretation. He suggests that the Rebboinoisheloilum would never threaten Klal Yisroel with such hostility as we read in this Parsha. And neither would Moishe. Rather, it was the fault of one of Moishe's speechwriters. Moishe told him, "hey, I gotta make a speech, and make it dark." Moshe was referring to adding in some elements that would appeal to his constituency in the olive skinned tribe of Naphtali. But the speechwriter thought he meant thematically dark, and the rest is history. (Meyla, this is the same writer who, years earlier, when told by Moishe that he had seen a burning bush in the desert, thought that Moishe was telling him that he had spotted a hot red head skinny dipping at an oasis.)

Saadya Goyn = Rabbeinu Saadya Ben Yosef (Said Ibn Yusuf El-Fayyumi, 892 - 942), a philosopher, grammarian, linguist, and rosh yeshiva(and Talmudic noodge) from Egypt, who settled in Baghdad. The book he is probably best know for is the Kitab Al-Amanat W’al Itikadat - The Book of Doctrines & Beliefs, known in Hebrew as Sefer Ha Emunot Ve Ha Deot.

He is also largely remembered for ripping the Karaites another one.


Naphtali = A tribe with a reputation for aggressiveness, sprung from the loins of Yakov and Rachel’s slave Bilhah. Naftali derives from patal – wrestle. But note that there are words that suggest tar, oil, and foreign origins that have similar sounds. Hence, perhaps, a reference to skin-pigmentation or hue. But this is speculative.

Regarding Bilhah, know also that Reuven lost his rights when he "yishkav et Bilhah" (‘(And) he lay TO Bilhah’), rather than "yishkav im Bilhah" (‘(and) he lay WITH Bilhah’). In this non-standard construction we may read a euphemism for rape. And perversion, because of the family relationship. Disgusting little man.

Meyla = An expression indicating a result, or a premise that is irrelevant to the main statement. But which might nevertheless be of interest. Frequently used to give back-story data.

Hot red-head skinny dipping at an oasis = Oooh! Got to take a break!

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.

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Back now. Better much.


The RAMBAM takes a completely separate approach. He suggests that indeed Hakkadoshboruch did mean to make the threats as written. And the reason He takes such a tough stand is that he is obviously a Republican. Look at the facts: He is tough on Law and Order, He takes a no-compromising stand against the Babylonians, and He favors using the death penalty as frequently as possible. Sums up the RAMBAM: the Aimishteh wants us to stop behaving like "stiff-necked Israelite Girly-men."

The RAMBAM = Talmudic noodge, post-Amoraic era. Rabbi Moishe Ben Maimon (1135 - 1204), a doctor from Cordova who moved to Cairo to get away from the harshness then prevalent in Moorish Spain. He wrote about everything under the sun, is the author of one of the most authoritative listings of commandments and the explanations for same: the ‘Sefer HaMitzvos’, but is probably most famous for his Halachic works, of which the Mishneh Torah (the Restatement of the Law) is one. Surely the noodge she be noodgim.


The RASHBAM disagrees, suggesting that the RAMBAN had probably taken to sampling items in his medicine bag when no one was looking. The RASHBAM holds farkert -- the Rebboinoisheloilum is actually a card carrying Democratic. As proof he points to the key social legislation mentioned elsewhere in this week's Parsha:
-- The insistence that we care for orphans and widows, that we set aside a portion of our Maiser, our tithing, for their benefit (Welfare? In the Toirah? Am I reading this correctly?);
-- The concern for the integrity of the legal system (What's pshat you can't give a bribe?); -
- The recognition and care that we grant to the Gair, the non- Israelite/ non-Jewish resident who lives among us.

Rashbam = Rabbi Shmuel Ben Meier(1083 or 1085 - 1174), a farmer in northern France, brother of Rabbeinu Tam (Rabbi Yakov Ben Meyer, 1100 - 1170) and the Ribam (Rabbeinu Yitzhak Ben Meier, also called the Rivam, which in addition to being an acceptable acronymic, also means ‘battle, as in ‘ravta et rivam" – and then you "fought their battles", from the prayer Al Ha Nisim (For The Miracles), recited on Chanuka and Purim), and one of the Tosafist greats. He studied under his grandfather Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Ben Yitzhok, 1040 - 1105).

Ger, Gair = The foreigner or stranger. One who, provided he commits no offense, has the right to safety and protection. What resident Gentile’s are in relation to Judah.

That’s ‘ger’, NOT mechutenista.


The RASHBAM concludes that the harsh words of the Toichecha simply point out once again that, at the end of the day, Hakkadoshboruchhu is a "pessimistic flip-flopper." To back up his point, the RASHBAM cites a medrish which says that the Aimishteh didn't even split the sea during the exodus from Egypt -- It split through natural causes, but He has tried to claim credit ever since.

Both archeology and geologic evidence indicate that the sea in question was hardly half a foot deep at that time. The miracle? That, in effect, the Egyptians drowned in a bath-tub.

But was it reed sea or red sea?

In Ivrit, both words sound as similar as they do in English. Reed sea suggests a marsh through which heavy chariots could not go. Heavily armed cavalry would have sunk into the mud, much like that Spanish army which sank beneath the water and muck of the Malpy Fens between Valkenswaard and Achel (the natives subsequently built a cloistery near the site, possibly to keep the Spaniards down).


However, the Moireh Nevuchim has a much simpler answer. LeOilum, he holds that the Rebboinoisheloilum did make all the threats mentioned in the Toichecha. And the reason that Hakkadoshboruchhu speaks so harshly is simply because He is an anti-Semite. Let's examine the facts: He asks us to do the impossible and complains when we cannot achieve it; He treats us differently than He treats others; He singles us out for persecution; He casts us into exile and then gets angry when we assimilate; He gives us a geopolitical conundrum and places obstacles at every potential solution.

Moreh Nevuchim = The Guide for the perplexed, by Rav Moishe Ben Maimon of Cordoba. Es iz a sehr bavuste sefer, oyf elegantes lashoin, perhaps the most bakante sefer the Rambam ever wrote. Don’t wait for the movie.



In short, the Aimishteh is an anti-Semite. He doesn't like Jews with our hook noses and penny counting, the horns on our heads, our control of the media, or our aspiration for setting up a world government. He in particular is angry at us for rejecting Christ, Mohammed, the Buddha, the Hindu Pantheon, and L. Ron Hubbard.

Rejecting Christ, Mohammed, Buddha, and all those other noodges, etc. = Would THEY have eaten that lokshn kugel either? I don’t think so. In-edible! Not even Moishe Rabbeeno would. He slaughtered Midian because of it, or something. So the question, ‘why is HE raggin’ on US’, is legit. Inquiring minds want to know.

He’s got issues maybe?

Nebech.


I am reminded of a famous story about the Dubner Maggid. One Shabbos afternoon he sat in shul surrounded by both children and adults as he regaled them for three hours with inspirational stories of the great sages, and shared wise parables that explained the cosmic, loving relationship between the Rebboinoisheloilum and Klal Yisroel. At one point a five year old boy asked him, "But mister Maggid, if Hakkadoshboruchhu loves the Jews so much, why must we spend our lives in exile?"

Dubner Maggid = Yakov Ben Wolf Kranz of Dubno (1741 – 1804), an itinerant preacher who illuminated his discourse ad nauseum with meshalim (parables and homilies).

As we head towards the days of awe (from Rosh Hashana to Yom Kippur), I am reminded of a story my holy ancestor the Rebbe of Prolicz heard from the Dubner Maggid, as follows: Yankel, a poor peasant, was forced to move to a large city to pursue his livelihood. As he and his wife were busy unpacking their possessions at their new abode, a local official dropped by, and Yankel invited him in, asking his wife to make something tasty for the important man, and pulling out his last bottle of GlenMorangie to give him a drink. For two hours, the official ate, drank, and conversed with these new residents of the ward, and left at last looking wel-fed, tiddly, and ever so pleased.

A neighbor across the street, having observed much from his front stoop, figured that he would also enjoy a free lunch off these yokels. So, putting on his best clothes, he crosses the street, knocks at the door, and introduces himself, welcoming Yankel "in the name of the gonze gasse". "How nice", says Yankel, "a sheynem dank, have a nice day yourself", and turns to go back inside. "Aren’t you going to ask me in?" says the neighbor. "Sorry", says Yankel, "it is quite late, and we still have much to do, perhaps another time". And slams the door.

A few years later, Yankel has to appear before the local tax commission. Alas, the freeluncher is one of the commissioners. The case drags on a few weeks, and one day, as the freeluncher passes by Yankel’s house, Yankel rushes out, and frantically invites him in, putting delicacies and some very nice Balvenie 24 year old in front of the man. "Well", says the man, "this is quite a change from a few years ago, when you wouldn’t even give me the time of day…, and now all of a sudden I’m worthy of the same hospitality as that official?"

"Of course", says Yankel, "A few years ago you were just a schmuck looking for a free lunch. Now, however, I need you on my side. So please, eat, drink, enjoy yourself, and be sure to remember me favourably when the time comes to decide my case."

And so it is with us, at Rosh Hashana and Yoim Kipper - Be sure to remember us favourably when the time comes.


"Why must we spend our lives in exile" = The Rebbe of Prolicz used to explain this with another mashal: Reb Yussele the landlord used to drop by the McGuires every Saturday evening to have a drop whiskey, all friendly-like, and to scope out lovely Colleen. Old Mrs. McGuire, not at all stupid, realized that the landlord would make a fine son-in-law, and took every opportunity to highlight the charms of her daughter. A roaring fire in the grate to encourage Colleen to dress lightly, bright candles to show off the creamy skin on her well-turned arms and the golden glints in her luxurious hair, and a nice comfy chair near the hearth for Reb Yussele to sit in, angled just ever so.

After several months, the inevitable happens. Fair Colleen McGuire becomes Mrs. Yussele Oleiristein. And at this point, the hospitality at ‘chez McGuires’ changes radically. No more turf on the fire. Only one small candle when it’s dark. A rickety old chair in the draft near the door, instead of the comfy fauteuil near the hearth. And the whiskey stops flowing! Finally Reb Yussele can’t stand it any longer, and asks her why she’s treating him so mean. "Because", says Mrs. McGuire, "You married the bitch".This week's parsha makes one wonder if this is how the Reboinoisheloilum feels about us sometimes.
At that, the Dubner Maggid stopped speaking. After a long, uncomfortable pause, he replied in a very low voice that was almost a whisper, "Oh damn. I never thought of that one." The very next day he shaved his long beard and opened up a shoe store.

Indeed, this week's Parsha highlights the complexity of religion and the price of faith. While some view their faith, and its rewards, with the cup half full, other view them as half empty. However, I think that they are both wrong. If you look at the chapter of the Toichecha, Perek Chuff Chess in Devarim, only the first 14 (of 68) Pesukim talk about the potential rewards of faithfullness. However, the VAST majority -- the next 54 Pesukim -- speak in aweful detail of the potential punishments. So, rounding out the numbers, one should either see the cup at one fifth full, or four fifths empty. I personally don't like 5 to 1 odds against, so I suggest we look at betting on a different horse.

54 Pesukim = The same number as there are Parshas. This isn’t a coincidence. One potentially awful smacking for each and every oversight. You really should read more.

5 to 1 =The perfect proportions for a Manhattan cocktail: Five parts Bourbon, one part Noilly Pratt, shaken over ice, with a twist of lemon peel.

A Maraschino cherry, in lieu of a twist, is common, but suggests gender ambivalence, and is not our minhag.

Perhaps it is yours.

Damn’ hippie.



Ah gutten Shabbos, you Minuval.

-----Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein

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ADDENDUM: SEPTEMBER - OCTOBER 2006:

For those of you who are not zoiche to live near Yeshivas Chipas Emmess West Coast, here are the important dates for September and October, which WILL be observed by the West Coast campus. You’re so lucky we tell you these things.


Erev Rosh HaShana: Friday September 22nd. * Rosh HaShana: Saturday September 23rd.. * Fast of Gedalia: Monday September 25th. * Erev Yom Kippur: Sunday October 1st. * Yom Kippur: Monday October 2nd.. * Erev Sukkos: Friday October 6th. * Sukkos: Saturday October 7th. * Chol Ha Moed Sukkos: Sunday October 8th through Friday Ocober 13. * Hoshana Raba: Friday October 13th. * Shmini Atzeres, Simchas Toirah, Hairy Hassid Dancing Day: Saturday October 14th. * Isru Chag Sukkos: Sunday October 15th. * Chag Ha Levine: Tuesday October 31st. *


You will note that three different events are scheduled for Saturday October 14th. What are the chances?!? Get a good night’s sleep. We expect you to be zrizusdik.

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Further note: Hoshanna Raba coincides with the Rabam's birthday this year. I happen to know that he is hoping for a nicely bound set of Shas from the Talmedim this time - you all remember what a disaster last year's birthday was, and how we had to shoot the horse (and mention of the horse was ONLY an expression, fercrapsakes!). And you'll perhaps also recall that following that Purim debacle he had to hock his other set of Shas to cover bail.

So make it happen, you behaymas!

And some chocolate cake. The Rabam particularly likes chocolate cake. Which he didn't have any of last year on his gaburtztog, it being yoim kipper and all.

Chocolate cake is a mitzvah.

A sheynem dank foroys.



Final note: Actually, it isn't 'the latest' - it's simply last year's shiur, with some very minor updates. We see no reason to fix it if it ain't broken, and the terms of our probation require us to stay at least three hundred feet away from computers and their fragile little insecure mechanical egos. Or something.
Dense Goyishe legalese you expect me to read?
Are you nuts already?