TOP TEN IOWA

Chinese food is often mentioned here. As well as Chinese food that does not really seem like Chinese food. Such as, for instance, baked porkchop on top of spaghetti covered with melted cheese. Which is Chinese. Hong Kong Chinese. And something I've actually only had once, because I saw the little old couple at the next table eating it at a chachanteng.
They each finished their whole plate, and enjoyed it immensely.

Even though I'm Dutch American and cheese flows through my veins, it was too cheese.
Yeah, um. Went a block over and had some noodles.
Like bami goreng with no chilies.

Bami goreng also flows through our veins.
Our veins lead busy lives.

Anyhow. Here is a list of top ten signs you might be in for the worst Chinese food these fifty states have to offer. Which, by the way, I know that most Americans love.

10. The restaurant is located in Iowa.
9. There is an eldritch horror floating above it wielding chopsticks.
8. The eldritch horror is inside.
7. A large clown statue is beside the door.
6. Vegan and gluten-free options.
5. Many happy white people.
4. Pizza.
3. Ketchup.
2. General Tzo's.
1. No seafood or fish.

My sympathies are with the eldritch horror pictured above, because he really wanted some steamed fish. With some ginger and pickled mustard root shreds, and perhaps a drizzle of soy sauce. But no. Iowa.

The sweet and sour pork consists of porkloin pounded till one-cell thin, breaded and deepfried, and swimming in brilliant red syrup. It says so proudly on the menu.

Fifteen different versions of General Tzo's. Mahagony hued egg rolls.

No wonder so many of his relatives left the state.



By the way: many eldritch horrors speak Dutch. That's just one more reason to like them. "Waar is de beste Chinese Restaurant alhier?" "Och, daarvoor moet je echt elders wezen, deze mensen hebben volstrekt geen smaak, en vreten zelfs de vreemdste rotzooi." "In dat geval, waar kan ik een vliegreis boeken?" "Enkele richting, neem ik aan?" "Natuurlijk!"

And that is why you should learn Dutch.



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