I AM BY NO MEANS A PERVERT!

But Grant Patel probably is. This in fierce rebuttal of an assertion made by miss Snooky Wong, who wrote: "Most of my regular readers are perverts. There are four who comment frequently: Grant Patel, the Amphibian, Spiros, and Atboth. [cut] And I enjoy their comments, so I guess that means I like sharing myself with perverts."


Again, I am not a pervert. I stress this.
I just have a healthy interest in young ladies BLOGGERS who live in the same town as myself. All perfectly normal.


The remark was made in regards to her sex-life. Which appears to be either "not sure" or "other". As is perfectly appropriate for a person of her tender years.


She describes her probable lack of hanky panky here:
http://deathbynoodles.blogspot.com/2009/05/no-answers-about-my-sex-life-here-just.html


As you will note, the e-mail which prompted her speculation was innocent enough.
I wrote: "Here is what is possibly the most interesting survey ever! At least, from mister Patel's deviant point of view. Actually, ONLY from his devpov.http://blogs.jta.org/philanthropy/article/2009/05/05/1004935/everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-you
You will probably want to NOT respond to a single one of these questions. Mister Patel should under no circumstances answer any at all, though he would almost certainly wish to wax at length."

Quite innocent, no? Speaking for everyone except mister Patel, who most splendidly rose to the bait (and revealed himself a degenerate in nearly all particulars), I can say that other than a mildly avuncular curiosity, we (myself, Spiros, and the Amphibian) have no interest whatsoever in Snooky's love-life. Or the complete and utter absence of same - which she confirms in a subsequent post:
http://deathbynoodles.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-exciting-sex-life-part-deux.html


RANDOM QUOTE:
"Some of the questions are easy to answer, though if this was a test, even a multiple choice one, I would probably fail.
See, that's why Chinese American kids don't do sex surveys, it's performance anxiety! We're afraid we won't get into Berkeley or Stanford if we give the wrong answers!"


On second thought, strike 'mildly avuncular curiosity' and make that 'avid fascination. Especially after she mentions that she is a "blond sex-type thing". You have our attention now.

=================================

In other news, we have been informed that Stas Feldman is the glue that holds the universe together. Something about the second law of thermodynamics, stuff going blooey, and the third kommisar from the back. We entertain doubts about all of this, and seek proof. Musk oxen are involved!



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

THE FULL ELVIS

Years ago, when I was working at a computer company down the peninsula, Savage Kitten thought of me. And sent me an article about chicken-fried bacon strips. As served at a famous eatery in Texas. Her added content was some snide remark about heart-attack on a plate, ooh yummy goodness, smirk.

Thick-cut bacon double dipped, nuked in the fryolator, with a bowl of cream gravy on the side.
Geshmak!

I've never eaten chicken-fried bacon strips (just add ranch dressing and it sounds like the breakfast of champions), the computer company headed down the financial tubes like an out-of-control rollercoaster ("we're crashing, wheeeeee!!!!!"), and Savage Kitten denies ever sending me something like that.

This is the same 'inspired' woman who once, in the middle of a dark night, posted flyers on the doors of the company where I worked three blocks from our apartment, advertising 'Round Rhonda's Snack-o-dise', with menu items like 'deepfried corn and walnut lard balls', 'lobster fritters in bacon & butter goop', and 'sugar-crusted crawdaddy nuggets'.
Eating at Round Rhonda's "make you SLAP yo' momma, Ah garontee!".
Free delivery to retirement homes and incarceration facilities.

I never did get a straight answer out of her about why she did that. Something about "brightening up your day", along with "broadening your colleagues' cultural horizons".


GIVE THEM BREAD AND BANANAS

I have often thought that indeed my coworkers needed cultural horizon expansion.
Daily brightening is probably a good thing too.
Especially during rainy weather.
Lunch options in this neighborhood are gloomy, and limited.


I really really wish that the sandwich joint across the street did peanut butter, banana, honey, and bacon sandwiches. Yes, there are such things - Elvis Presley used to eat them all the time. They were probably a contributing factor to his demise (he exploded like a cholesterol and illegal substance bomb while sitting on the crapper), but lawzy, he musta died happy!

Surely one Full Elvis couldn't hurt? One? Once in a blue moon?
Which means no more than twice a week, at most three times. Four during rainy weather.
On fried bread.
You should probably omit the soda and chips if you are dieting.

CANNED BLAND

In a comment string on Dovbear's blog, I sneered that the last truly great president was a Dutch-American, and that everything since then has been purely mediocre Anglos, and mediocre Anglo wannabees.
I also said that I'm not voting for McCain, as I don't want another mediocre Anglo wannabe; I'm voting for the intelligent candidate.

It very soon became apparent that some readers did not grasp that the term Anglo has nothing to do with English / Anglo-Saxon / Anglican. One of them even offered that McCain was perhaps Scotch-Irish.


No offense to the Scotch-Irish, who are all mighty fine people why even some of my BEST friends are Scotch-Irish.....,
That's the very quintessence of second-rate Anglo. The bargain brand of Anglo. On par with Rednecks, Texans, and Fratboys.


Then somebody else wrote: "Eisenhower had German ancestry; Kennedy was Irish; Reagan was part Irish."


Oh pooh.

Anglo is a cultural category. If you want to be ethno-specific, and more racist, you can use the term WASP. Or even 'Anglo-Saxon'.
Eisenhower, Kennedy, and Reagan were one hundred and twenty percent Anglo (the extra percentage points are because they had to try harder).

All three of them were, culturally speaking, about as Anglo as you can get in this country. Solid white bread, English-speaking, and adhering to the Anglo (i.e. dominant American) value system.

Whoever goes into the meltingpot has the right to come out white.
Just look at Condoleeza.

Jeez, haven't you folks ever heard of assimilation?!?

Yeah, I know most of y'all live in New York, and are culturally Puerto Rican......


But out there in the rest of this country, in the "real America", popular culture has demotized to the great anglo-whitebread commonality - Round Table Pizza: a fake Italian dough disc made palatable to the majority by adding canned bland tomato sauce, ham, and pineapple, constructed in an Arthurian metaphor-environment by generic teenagers, mostly monolingual in 'Mall Speak', whose reading skills extend little further than insta-message.
Much like their parents, who are also as well-adjusted.

Once you've got the phrase "whazzup dude" in your mental framework, you're in Anglo-town. No biggie.


Discuss among yourselves, homies, I'm hellah farklempt.

OBAMA, DEATH-METAL, AND THE SOUTH

Two of my occasional readers are arguing passionately about death-metal music and Islamic radicalism underneath one of my posts.


OBAMA, HAMAS, AND A ZOO


The two readers are Joe Izrael and Kylopod.

Yes, there have been other commenters there - but they got sidetracked, and continued their own obsessions elsewhere - mostly underneath later posts. Some people just commented once, and left.
[One of those 'lefties' was the gentleperson from Texas, where they have a lot of such people, who wrote: "And another thing, you commie loving chritstian hating asshole, what makes you think that Obama can be trusted in anyway? He isn't a n American, he wasn't ecudated here, and isn't even able to spalk to real people, only to intelligentsia and ellites in New york and calfirnsia!!!!"]


If you wish to join the discussion about Barak Obama and death-metal, please visit the post referenced above.

If you wish to make a fool of yourself in a very Texan and Christian manner (complete with misspellings and evidence of a lack of a functioning brain), please do so underneath this post - we welcome rednecks and ridgerunners who explore the wonderful world of Homo Sapiens. We promise we won't call Animal Control on you. And we realize that not all of you Trailerites have raped your sisters. Kudos. And bravo. There is hope for you yet!

Welcome. I love you all. Yes.

Sincerely,


-----The Commie-Loving Christian-Hating A''-hole Who Writes This Blog.



PS. If any of you visiting Dixie-Neanderthals wish to go into detail about your sisters, please don't. Incestuous inbreeding after a few generations becomes bestiality, and we really aren't into such things. You are, we understand that, more power to you, but please, we have sensitive stomachs. If at all possible, refrain from sharing. Thank you.

-----------------------------------

Yes, I'm feeling pissy. Hence this post. But it's a cheerful pissy, not a gloomy and sour pissy. So don't worry - I still love humanity, and I'm not in a funk. If this post got you down, think about butterflies. Big smiling furry butterflies. Goodness, happiness, and prosperity will come your way if you do.

CALLING BRUCE!

This blog is not the only one with a certain philosphical theme running through it.
Spiros, Grant, Lev, Graham - go here:
Who is in charge of the sheep-dip?
[If you have speakers, turn them on now.]


You'll be glad you did.


The trop follows standard Western Ashkenazic minhag and pronunciation, and the poskim referenced are Conservative or Left-wing Modern Orthodox at best -- hardly the kind of people that the shtrenge haredisten of Lakewood would call rabbonim. Blasted Calvinists!


Note: the link is to a post on a friend's blog:
Waarheid gezocht, vreemds gevonden
If you do not visit that blog frequently, you should. It is good for your mental health.

CATHOLIC WOMBAT UNDERWEAR

Apparently fetishes interest my readers. I may be just projecting, of course, but judging by the wealth of comments I have received ever since I started writing about underwear, schoolgirls, and wombats, there is a vast untapped market out there of people who like discussing such obsessions ..... if not actually practicing them in the privacy of their own darkened sweat-reek dungeons.

Fetishes are very Catholic, as one my anonymous commenters pointed out.
Reader Spiros then elaborated, saying: " a blog which features repeated references to curries, Talmud, Malayo-Polynesian languages, Manga, medieval Dutch poetry, pipe tobacco, and transvestites, not to mention wombats (CUIDADO LOS UOMBATS!), could be fairly characterized as being catholic ".

Beware of wombats.

Graham writes: " I am amazed at H.B.'s abilities & challenge him to do the fetish stuff for..... Beatrix der Nederlanden."

The Beatrix referred to is Beatrix Wilhelmina Armgard of Orange Nassau, Queen of the Netherlands and princess of Lippe-Biesterfeld. She has been the reigning monarch since her mother princess Juliana abdicated in 1980.
[As a matter of interest to Margavriel, the queen is also the countess of Katzenelnbogen. This datum as a lagniappe.]


I like a challenge, but there is perhaps too much to work with here.


Should I speak of her helmet-like coiffure, reminiscent of nineteen-sixties stewardesses and the dignified hair-helmets of yore? Should I mention that it reminds me of the mushroom people in a remarkably sexual children's book from years ago? I remember her gliding over the green dunes of the Eindhovensche golf course one drizzly day, following her husband and his friends Riemsdijk and van Lanschot, as they listlessly whacked their balls. Her hair shielded her from the worst effects of the rain, and was still shiny and hard when the eighteen holes were done.


Or could I, Clinton-like, obsess over her firm jaw, the lively eyes, her preference for certain dresses, a possible secret liking for big strong cigars?


Or might I instead imagine a big bold lesbian who collects photos of Beatrix, and enjoys sliding the thin thin edges of those pictures over her breasts, drawing blood from many microscopic paper cuts, panting and sweating as her heaving bosom reddens, reddens, reddens........ She sinks down upon her sheets of royalist orange, meltingly deliquescent, her fingers clenching and unclenching, as she imagines those stern loving eyes, that regal jaw (the Lippe-Biesterfeld gene!), the languidly waving right hand before an adoring yet wholly imaginary throng.....

Oh to wander the long frigid halls of the Loo Palace, or the cool marble floors in quiet corners of the Binnenhof, pantingly impatient for the object of her crush to return from delivering the opening address to parliament, and come to her, tired from performing her royal duty, majestic and graceful......



Good heavens, I just don't know where to begin. I am at a loss here, Graham, please help me out. I invite you to describe how Beatrix makes you feel, and what you yourself find most appealing about the current Dutch monarch.

Just don't use the term 'wombat'. There has been far too much mention of wombat here in recent days, and the thrill of large antipodean marmots is wearing thin.

HELLO KITTY IS LOST

and wants to be reunited with the owner.

If you own a red water bottle with Hello Kitty on it, she spent the night in the lonely ops department in my cube.

I think I see tears, but cannot be sure….
She is waiting to be rescued.


------A.V.

---------------------------------
The above was an e-mail that our customer service person sent out. Proving, conclusively, that she is the right person for the job. Notice that she is not talking down to the person who owns a red Hello Kitty water bottle, but is sympathizing sincerely with their loss, and feels their deep angst and pain. She wants the two of them to be re-united.

Whether she wants anything else for those two and their misguided pairing is a question best left unanswered.

THE HALACHA OF NI

Under a post about statuesque nudity, large photogenic untzniusdikke parts, and the marble charms of Venus (or Lady Justicia holding scales, in her more 'accepted' public persona) on Dovbear's blog, serious issues have been hashed out.


From the comment-string:

ATBOTH wrote:
"Oh Knight who still says ni - you must be Jewish, that would explain why, when everyone else in your shul is saying "ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv", you stubbornly insist that "ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv" is NOT the minhag of the old country, and you don't care what these Gallitzianers or Rumanians do, you will still, like you were taught, in a mesorah all the way from the mountain, say 'ni'.
Kudos. Minhag has the weight of halacha. And the minhag says 'ni'. Punkt.
"Ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv" is merely a ridiculous chumrah."


To which TKwhoSN responded:
"TBOTH - Yes, I'm sticking with "Ni". Not only is ""ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv"" a recent innovation with no basis in tradition, it's way too long to fit in the "Name" field.
Plus, if you need to pass, I only require one shrubbery. A nice one. Not too expensive. So, it saves you that whole getting a two and placing it beside the first one, only slightly higher so we get the two level effect, etc. Not to mention avoiding having to chop down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring.
Ni really is the best minhag - for everyone, knight or not."


As you can tell, TKwhoSN is a traditionalist, and resists hiddur mitzva.

This stand is supported by Rabban Gamliel, who held that the cost of TWO shrubberies put such a terrible burden on a family that they would abandon (the individual required to present a shrubbery) and flee. Rabban Gamliel says: "Ein zaken b'Cheshvan" [ 'nobody (harvests) a mature shrubbery in (the month of) Cheshvan' ]. Because it is a hardship.

But this is not necessarily a barrier to performing a commandment, and further, when his (Rabban Gamliel’s) children came home after chatzos, they asked their father whether they could recite krias shema. Now, though one cannot gain a kiyum mitzvah d’oraysa, done knowingly in contravention of standards set by Chazal, the children missed the proper time of chatzos only b'ones (unintentionally). And it is suggested that violating a d'rabbanan b'ones should not negate a kiyum d'oraysa.


Rav zeira opines (regarding hiddur mitzva), "by as much as a third".


Rashi explains as follows: 'if a man finds two shrubberies and acquires the nicer one, he should go that third further for the nicer one' - "today we do the mitzva, tomorrow we may be rewarded". What is added on will be repaid (al pi Rashi, Bava Kama 9b).

The Rishonim disagree as to the correct way of fulfilling the mitzva mehadrin min hamehadrin. The Rambam avers that it is supplemental to the preceding level (mehadrin): one should acquire an additional shrubbery for each person, for each occasion that a shrubbery is required. He states that we use the best that we can afford - and this implies a comparative, and hence, it might be argued, TWO (or more) shrubberies!


That presents a machlokes: how many shrubberies are required, and are more (than the basic requirement) permitted?


The Rema also allows one for each person like the Rambam, which is the Ashkenazic minhag (a shrubbery per person) but differs from the Rambam, who held that it was enough if the head of the household presented the shrubberies on behalf of each member of the family - the Rema states that each individual should present his own. The Maharil agrees.

So whereas one point of view holds that there should also be a shrubbery for the person presenting the shrubbery (and a minimum of one additional shrubbery for the household), the practise has been one shrubbery per person.

As is written: "Two is one too many, and three is right out. No more. No less. One shall be the count of your shrubbery, and the number of the shrubbery shall be one. Two shall you not present, nor either present naught, excepting that you then proceed to one. Three is right out. Once the number one, being the first number, be reached, present you then the shrubbery towards the knights".
[Rambam, Sefer Netachim]


Other readers also weighed in.

Yossi said:
"I would have to say that I lean towards "Ni" however there is a lot of persuasive reasoning to the machlokes disputing "Ni" and suggesting that the proper minhag is, in fact, "It!"
One only needs consider the knights' response to that holy word to understand the strong foundation to that contention."


Abe said:
"About 5 years ago, I went to a fundie relative's wedding, much against my better judgement. It took place in a very fancy and expensive catering hall. After the valet took my car, I walked through a gardened walkway to the entrance and noted 2 shrouded figures on both sides of the entrance doors. I was puzzled and took a closer look. I peeked under the shroud and I laughed when I realized that the licentious display was nothing more than a nude statue of Venus in all her feminine charms.
I surmised that the sight of a nude Venus might have deleterious effects on the choson's frame of mind for future kolel study.
On the other hand, the dopey fundies didn't understand that this was also an ancient kabalistic segula for a more productive romp in the bedroom on the happy couple's wedding night. "


The Internet is for Porn said:
" "I surmised that the sight of a nude Venus might have deleterious effects on the choson's frame of mind for future kolel study. "But on the other hand, it might have done wonders for the choson's frame of mind regarding the mitzva of pru urvu!"



We see that the obligation (d'oraisa) of the shrubbery is linked to the mitzva of pru urvu, and while our fathers (may have) had two wives (Yakov, with Rachel and Leah, for instance), it has long been customary for us to have only one spouse. Hence the exactation of TWO shrubberies clearly constitutes a hardship.

No matter your (understandably) keen desire to 'beautify the commandment', you should limit yourself to one.

Ni.

GLOATING, GLOATING, GLOATING FAIRY PRINCES

You know, I really should be a gentleman, and not gloat about the French soccer defeat several hours ago. They fought manfully, and delivered a splendid game.


On the other hand, I am extremely petty (!), and schadenfreude is a talent.
So here goes:


Netherlands trounces France
http://www.canada.com/windsorstar/news/sports/story.html?id=2a90e588-ec02-47e0-a249-d41da0a90e3b
Quote: "The dazzling Dutch qualified for the quarter-finals of Euro 2008 with a 4-1 destruction of France that left the World Cup runners-up hovering over the tournament trapdoor on Friday. Four days after crushing world champions Italy 3-0, Marco van Basten's side ripped the French apart with another superb performance "


Brilliant Robben underlines value and leaves fragile French reeling
http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/internationals/netherlands-4-france-1-brilliant-robben-underlines-value-and-leaves-fragile-french-reeling-846999.html
Quote: "There is no team that has proved itself more emphatically in Euro 2008 thus far than Marco van Basten's Dutch team who have dispatched Italy and France within the space of five days "


Netherlands Beats France
http://poligazette.com/2008/06/13/european-championships-football-netherlands-beats-france/
Quote: "Ever since the Netherlands beat Italy (the world champion) with ease, the Netherlands is considered a favorite to win this year’s tournament. The French, on the other hand......"


Deadly Dutch turn on style to thump France
http://uk.reuters.com/article/worldFootballNews/idUKL1300242020080613
Quote: "Dirk Kuyt, Robin van Persie, Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder scored for Netherlands, with Thierry Henry replying as France slid to their heaviest defeat in a major tournament finals since losing 5-2 to Brazil at the 1958 World Cup."


Dutch beat France 4-1 to win group
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hwNpPwBMIrRJnNQ4xPV17TLzfviAD919DO481
Quote: "The Dutch romped past both 2006 World Cup finalists in Group C, beating Italy 3-0 before outclassing the French. "


Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener. Neener, neener, neener.

Brief recap, so that you can really appreciate the situation: On Monday, the Dutch beat the stuffing out of the Italians. Today, the Dutch slaughtered the French.

Neener.
Heh.

ANGRY MOBS, RAMPANT THUGGISM, OR JUST THOSE SMOKERS?

We smokers, when we're not trying to kill your children with our cancer-causing fumes and effluvia, or nauseate your delicate stomachs, or blacken the innocent lungs of people five counties over, are a potentially violent bunch of over-indulgers, profligates, and orgiasts. Nay, veritable brigands, rapists, and incendiarists. We're so evil. Gevalt.


Quote from a newsletter:

SMOKING BAN A THREAT TO PUBLIC ORDER

The ban on smoking in cafés and clubs which comes into effect on July 1 may lead to extra tension and security problems around busy night spots such as the Rembrandtplein and Leidseplein in Amsterdam, says the safety and crisis management institute COT in Friday’s Parool.[Source: http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2008/06/]


The original article in Het Parool can be found here:
http://www.parool.nl/parool/nl/4/AMSTERDAM/article/detail/16649/2008/06/06/Lallende-cafeganger-buiten-kan-probleem-zijn.dhtml
It's entirely in Dutch, so you'll just have to accept my assurance that the headline "Lallende caféganger buiten kan probleem zijn" is actually rather pithy. The verb 'lallen' implies joyous over-the-top misbehaviour. Celebratory perversity, in fact. Such as a drunkard would commit.

[Het Parool ( http://www.parool.nl/ ) was founded during WWII as a resistance newspaper (for background, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Het_Parool). It is a far better newspaper than the Algemeen Dagblad or the Telegraaf. The Netherlands no longer has the over-all excellent journalism of the fifties and sixties, but Het Parool still has integrity and still maintains high standards.]



A SINCERE (& HEARTFELT) PLEA FOR ACTION

It is essential to insulate the pure and innocent public from deviants such as us. The reason being that when we're not 'snoozing in the gutter (as the rioting begins)' after a night of cheap cigars, black shag, navy flake, or coarse Turkish, we are 'too drunk to give a hoot ' about your wellbeing. We will threaten and leer. We will endanger you - unless we are stopped. You need to be protected.

Yes you do.

Trust me.

Give us our own places, and we won't bother you. And it seems logical that you would want to keep us INDOORS. Away from traffic. Away from the horses. Away from the sensitive eyseses and noseses of the gentler sex. Away from sweet little Catholic schoolgirls with their little plaid skirts, plump girlish thighs, and white white socks.

I suggest stocking the 'smokers-reserves' with lots of good reading material in several languages, plus a broad selection of single malts, fine Irish distillates, cognac, and Armagnac. This (plus a choice of teas and coffee) will keep us inside. Guaranteed.

You lot can have the gin and vodka. And we sincerely hope you enjoy drinking it. Outside.

------------------------------------

NOTE: The statements "snoozing in the gutter as the rioting begins" and "too drunk to give a hoot" are praedictions by concerned non-smokers Eric S. and Maya C. .
They further opine that the ban cited above means the end of civilization.
I concur.

TOBACCO INDEX


==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================

OCCUPIES PREMISES IN BUILDING

Yours truly requests credit reports on businesses. It's a fairly standard thing to do - nothing unusual. I'm paid to be a snoop. So are the companies that put together commercial credit reports. Commercial customers have their credit researched. Normal.


Sometimes the credit report isn't worth the paper it's printed on (or would be printed on, if I bothered to print it out).

Especially when all the provider of the credit report can tell me about a business is "OCCUPIES PREMISES IN BUILDING".


OCCUPIES PREMISES IN BUILDING.


Weeee!

Who knew?

OCCUPIES PREMISES IN BUILDING!

I also occupy premises. In a building.

You, dear reader, probably do too.

Occupy premises in building, that is.

Many do. Building, premises, occupy ....... not uncommon.



The credit report provider's customer service chipmunks have tried to argue that this is useful information. Occupies premises in building.

It isn't.

The percentage of our customers who blithely conduct their business out in the field, fragrant hay for a desk and altocumulus for a ceiling, is very small.
Pretty much zip dash diddly. Statistically zilch. Nix im gonzen. Big fat zero. Scrawny anorexic zero. Zero in all worlds, including the ten sefirot. Zero squared, and zero behind the decimal.
How much more zero can it get?' The answer is 'none, none more zero, it can't get none more zero'.

As someone often on premises (in a building), I speak from a basis of familiarity, in this context, with the concept zero.

[Theatrically bangs fist on desk.]


LEAST USEFUL DATA EVER!

BECOMING THE WALRUS, BECOMING THE EGGMAN, GOO GOO GE CHOO!

I am in receipt of an e-mail that brings a smile to my face. Partly because of an orthographic element - double vowels are used a lot in Dutch, and Dutch is the first language I learned to read and write - and partly because the message itself is just so darned funny. Made much more so by the orthography.


-----Original Message-----
From: hershelcmcKnight_ih@usit.net [mailto:hershelcmcKnight_ih@usit.net]
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 8:49 PM
To:
Subject: very CheapPrice Bacheelor, MasteerMBA, and Doctoraate dip1omas arcf u3lyw53a


We can assist with Diplomas from prestigious universities based on your present knowledge and LifeExperience

No required examination, tests, classes, books, or interviews

Bacheelor, MasteerMBA, and Doctoraate diplomas available in the field of your choice -
that's right, you can become a Doctor and receive all the benefits that comes with it!

No one is turned down
Confidentiality assured
CALL US 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK

For US: 1-309-407-3749
Outside US: +1-309-407-3749

"Just leave your NAME & PHONE NO. (with CountryCode)" in the voicemail

Please call today!!


=====================

My gratitude to Herschel McKnight <mailto:hershelcmcKnight_ih@usit.net> knows no bounds.

Now all I need to do is invent a field of my choice, and I'll be all set to receive all the benefits that "comes with it".

Got any suggestions?