A MIDDLE AGED MAN AND LITTLE CHILDREN

I love children, I really do. Especially when they are between three and five years old. But, lest you now jump to hire me as a baby-sitter, I should mention that there are reasons why people keep me away from their kids.

Some of my friends even send the kids out of town when I visit.

Others just make sure that the kinderlech get no opportunity to talk to me.

It: "Uncle BOTH, why do cars move?"

Me: 'They are desperately trying to get away from their butts.'

It: "Why?"

Me: 'Because they are full of gas - that's why they make those put-put-put sounds as they flee.'


--- --- ---

It: "Uncle BOTH, why are there no dinosaurs here?"

Me: 'San Francisco is too crowded for them so they all moved to Las Vegas.'


It: "What do dinosaurs eat?"

Me: 'Pizza, extra large, with all the toppings and piled with anchovies, just like everybody else in Vegas.'


It: "What do dinosaurs do?"

Me: 'They work as lounge singers in Las Vegas. They're very popular with old people.'

--- --- ---

It: "Uncle BOTH, why is the sky blue?"

Me: 'That was the cheapest colour the master of the universe could find when he repainted; it used to be puce.'

It: "What's puce?"
Me: 'Kinda like dog poo.'

It: "What is the master of the universe?"

Me: 'Someone with lots of spare time since the kids all moved away and no longer call.'

--- --- ---

It: "Uncle BOTH, why do we celebrate Jesus' birthday?"

Me: ' 'Cause we're close to Mexico.'

--- --- ---

It: "Uncle BOTH, why did Pooky scratch me?"

Me: 'He thought you were filled with candy, just like your older brother.'

--- --- ---

It: "Uncle BOTH, why did my aunt die?"

Me: 'Spite.'


See, there's a reason people keep their little darlings from talking to me.
I talk back.

This past weekend was fleet-week weekend here in San Francisco. Which always coincides with Columbus Day. This means drunken sailors, lots of goobers, and a loud air-show over the city featuring dare-devil biplanes and the Navy's own obnoxiously loud Blue-Angels. Lordy, I hate the sound of jets roaring overhead. It's a stupid, hubristic display of testicular exhibitionism.
But first, idiots doing loop-de-loops in biplanes.

It: "Uncle BOTH, what's that buzzing?"

Me: 'That's a very rare insect, the Columbus Day mosquito, which only comes one day a year.'


It: "Is it dangerous?"

Me: 'Oh, very. The Indians hate Columbus Day, because it killed so many of them.'


It: "Will it kill us?"

Me: 'No, Boruch Hashem, because we have large blue phallic fly-swatters that fly through the sky and chase it away. If you stare at the sky long enough you'll see them. But until then, you've got to run around in circles very fast so that the Columbus Day mosquitoes can't catch you. It hurts like heck when they do.'

It: "Uncle BOTH, why aren't you running?"

Me: 'Cause I'm not young and juicy but old and knackered - do you see anyone biting me? You, on the other hand.... so soft, so tender, so very very sweet. Quick, there's one right behind you!!! Run! Run! Run! Run faster! And make some noise!'


All things considered, I had a very fine weekend. Even though there is now yet one more kid I'm not allowed to talk to.

At least she'll always be wary of the Blue Angels.
Or other things in the sky.

But mostly Blue Angels.



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OBAMA, DEATH-METAL, AND THE SOUTH

Two of my occasional readers are arguing passionately about death-metal music and Islamic radicalism underneath one of my posts.


OBAMA, HAMAS, AND A ZOO


The two readers are Joe Izrael and Kylopod.

Yes, there have been other commenters there - but they got sidetracked, and continued their own obsessions elsewhere - mostly underneath later posts. Some people just commented once, and left.
[One of those 'lefties' was the gentleperson from Texas, where they have a lot of such people, who wrote: "And another thing, you commie loving chritstian hating asshole, what makes you think that Obama can be trusted in anyway? He isn't a n American, he wasn't ecudated here, and isn't even able to spalk to real people, only to intelligentsia and ellites in New york and calfirnsia!!!!"]


If you wish to join the discussion about Barak Obama and death-metal, please visit the post referenced above.

If you wish to make a fool of yourself in a very Texan and Christian manner (complete with misspellings and evidence of a lack of a functioning brain), please do so underneath this post - we welcome rednecks and ridgerunners who explore the wonderful world of Homo Sapiens. We promise we won't call Animal Control on you. And we realize that not all of you Trailerites have raped your sisters. Kudos. And bravo. There is hope for you yet!

Welcome. I love you all. Yes.

Sincerely,


-----The Commie-Loving Christian-Hating A''-hole Who Writes This Blog.



PS. If any of you visiting Dixie-Neanderthals wish to go into detail about your sisters, please don't. Incestuous inbreeding after a few generations becomes bestiality, and we really aren't into such things. You are, we understand that, more power to you, but please, we have sensitive stomachs. If at all possible, refrain from sharing. Thank you.

-----------------------------------

Yes, I'm feeling pissy. Hence this post. But it's a cheerful pissy, not a gloomy and sour pissy. So don't worry - I still love humanity, and I'm not in a funk. If this post got you down, think about butterflies. Big smiling furry butterflies. Goodness, happiness, and prosperity will come your way if you do.

THREE O'CLOCK ANTIWAR PROTEST UPDATE

Mild ruckus down at Market and Montgomery Streets - about two hundred rather disreputable people confronting the very patient constabulary. Traffic blocked in all directions, with a white arrestee bus on South Montgomery near the art school. Two people with megaphones making what sounded like airport announcements.

No news helicopters overhead.

I'm bored.

Twelve Galaxies guy was also bored. He moved off before I could take a photo.

Some simple-minded fat man got into a screaming match with an unwellspoken young person with a bad haircut. Even though he presented his arguments supporting the war in an unconvincing manner, it was evident that he and his opponent were intellectual equals - the top-of-their-lungs conversation revealed no surprises, no talent for rhetoric, no cogent argumentation. Such a perfect match, they should've made passionate love to each other right there and then - I doubt that they would have ever found each other again, and despite their repulsiveness and unaesthetic physiques, they made a lovely couple.
Unfortunately, they simple kept it at high-decibel flirting. Shoot.

I'm soooo bored.

Eventually most of the police moved off. There was little point in staying, as they had expeditiously packed the dangerous people into the prison bus.

I really must commend the police in San Francisco. Patient, forbearing. Courteous. Very well-mannered. Such a contrast with our visitors from Berkeley. Better dressed, too.

Crap this is boring.

For your information, the city is still not shut down. This is a breach of promise on the part of the Direct Action to Stop the War folks and their cohorts.

Frank Chiu is wandering around looking for a protest. The guy selling his own rap-ceedees outside the Wells Fargo on the corner is doing no more and no less business as usual. The newspaper vendor seems happily in his own world, unconcerned with the unimpressive ruckus two blocks away. There are several people in the window-lounge of the cigar shop, less than half a block from the angry hairy folks at Market and Montgomery street, enjoying what appears to be a quiet and relaxed post-prandial smoke. An unbalanced person at Sansome and Sutter Streets is hollering at an invisible friend to stop kicking him. The gaunt engineer in the office across the street from me is smoking a pipe while correcting some documents.

There are no helicopters. The sky is nice and blue, with spots of white. A gentle breeze stirs the fresh green of the trees. Did I ever mention that I smoke a pipe?

Krikey I'm bored.

DIRECT ACTION IN SF TO STOP THE WAR - UPDATE ao 1:35 PM

Man I'm bored. Sooooo bally boooored!


"What a totally gay performance. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay! Damn hippies!"

------- Eric Cartman


Really, this is a waste of time. There aren't any protestors to be found. There are no hovering news helicopters overhead marking the spot of a confrontation.
Occasionally a desperate television copter scoots across the downtown sky looking for action. There are no sirens, no platoons of blue with billy clubs getting set to move off into a distant fray. No paddy wagons. No motorcycle brigade four abreast with sirens. Nothing. Nada. Zip.


How much more total zero nix diddly can it get?


I left the office with my disposable camera to get lunch. Past the Import Export Bank. No protests, no heavy security presence, no peaceniks.
Went over to the plaza with the bankers black heart in front of the Bank of America building (targets: Carlyle Group , Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley), where I took a photo of a lovely sun-drenched plaza with American and Californian flags gently flapping in a mild spring breeze -- not a single peacenik to be seen.

Over to the TransAmerica Pyramid (URS Corp. and Carlyle Group). Photo of a sunny street with a normal flow of traffic, some amiable pedestrians -- no peaceniks.

Back down Montgomery Street, past the Israeli Consulate (yes, also a target). Peace, peace, peace, sunny, sunny, sunny... photo!
Not a nik in sight.

California Street between Battery and Sansome (345 California Street, Chevron Energy Solutions, a major target). Such a lovely shady courtyard area, so quiet, so restful. Said howdy to Abdullah from Yemen (salaam, ya akhi, keyf-ak hal? Bi kheyr, alhamdulillah.....).
And, as could not possibly have been praedicted, no peaceniks anywhere!
Didn't even bother taking a photo.


Man I'm bored. What is it with you folks? You promised a day of direct action, a day of raging against da man, fury, righteousness, traffic jams, civil disobedience, flags, banners, signs, and broken glass. Not that I approve of most of that, but shee, can't y'all even organize a storm in a teacup? Where are y'all? Why aren't you at least providing entertainment? Street-theatre? Revolutionary interpretive dance? Impromptu mime performances? An overturned garbage can?


Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored!


Anyways, I had a half-way decent biriani for lunch, along with some rocking mango lassi. So it wasn't a complete waste of time. And I saw Abdullah from Yemen.

Maybe later in the afternoon something will happen. After the folks in Berkeley finish their leisurely breakfast, and down the last of their organic fair-trade lattes and cappuccinos.


Probably made with 0% fat 'Cream-o-Soy' instead of dairy.

DIRECT ACTION LAYS AN EGG

Quick report on events near my office , as of 12:00 PM
[Note: The anti-war community spent two months preparing for mass-protests to shut down San Francisco today, it being the fifth anniversary of our invasion of Iraq. This is supposed to be the last big huzzah before Bush is out of office, my office is located right in the centre of events. Whoopee.]


Intersection of Sansome and Sutter: a table with some activists, two or three very nice professionally done banners, and a backdrop banner stating that it is a non-violent direct action to stop the war. Including passers-by, maybe ten people.
Nobody at the Citicorp plaza or the BART exit. Earlier there had been some people with George Bush and Cheney masks dancing to the music of Barbarella - or something like that. It didn't interfere with anyone coming to work in any way at all.

At 9:30 AM a peloton of maybe forty anti-Chevron bicyclists had come down Montgomery and turned onto Bush. They did not interfere with traffic.

Fewer sirens than normal in this neighborhood for the past two hours. It is quiet. Traffic has been a bit slower and more sludgy than usual, but transit was/is not interrupted.

---

Montgomery and Market at 11:30: About three hundred to four-hundred wheatish-looking people blocking traffic on Post Street, dully listening to speeches, being very unphotogenic.

Market street is clear. Montgomery is clear. The cops are calm, the bystanders bored.

---

If this is an attempt to "shut down the city", it isn't working.
There is no anger. There are no furious chants and screams. There is nothing to photograph.
Many of the participants are having a bad hair-day and their mom dresses them funny.

Anaemic. Pathetic. Futile. Silly.

However, as many of the people likely to come to SF for further protests are only just now waking up, who knows what else will happen.

At least it looks like 'stark-nekkid fer peas' is still on at four-thirty.




-----BOTH

PS. I'll be posting more later. At this point I expect the "Day Of Direct Action' to end up an anticlimax - their grand plans appear to have fizzeled, and whatever advantage there may have been to spreading action out (both in time and place) seems negated by the sheer convenience to the police of having small isolated groups who can easily be arrested in stages rather than a large unruly and potentially violent mass of demonstrators.

Taking these people into custody is much more like a leisurely dimsum brunch than a hot-dog eating contest. And who doesn't like dimsum?

The SFPD should really thank the extremists for so nicely sabotaging themselves. It was very kind.

NUDE PEACE RALLY

As part of the SF Bay Area's contribution to protesting the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, I wish to inform y'all of one particular action planned for tomorrow.


Nudes for peace:
http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2008/02/19/18480200.php
March 19,
Wednesday:
Nudes4peace will gather at 4:30 pm, in United Nations Plaza, San Francisco; near the equestrian statue (Simon Bolivar on his horse).


Heavens.
As Dildo Bob often yells at people in the bar: GIT NEKKID!

Seeing as most of the people in Nudes for Peace are significantly beyond retirement age, this is one place where any of us can truly make a difference. By sheer dilution of the ghast-factor.

Not that I have any intention of doing so.

I shall be both dressed and entertained.

My idea of entertainment at times involves either nose-wrinkling or schadenfreude.

And this qualifies as far more edumacalacational than anything else the peace movement is planning.



PS.I: Scrotal-inflation guy will be there. So bring your family, they've never seen anything like it. Tell them it’s a cultural experience. A San Francisco treat.

PS.II: If the nudists pour baby-oil over themselves, they will be much harder to arrest.

PS. III: Peace is manifestly not a pretty sight.