NOTHING BUT DOOM

While doomscrolling this morning I came across the news about a Florida man using a frozen squirrel as an offensive weapon in a Waffle House brawl. Ladies and gentlemen, you cannot get any more red state than that. It's the epitome of red stateness, it goes up to eleven.

Waffle Houses and dead wildlife are what a large part of our country is all about.

If instead of visiting parts of Europe during our vacations we had visited the states were interracial marriage used to be illegal (the red states) it would have been both mind expanding and traumatizing for life.


"Let's go to Waffle House and fight while waiting for greasies!"


Sounds like a plan. The entire fraternity house piles into pick-up trucks and roars off down the road, past the holler and the sherrif's moonshine still, over the dirt path through the meth lab trailer park, waking up the entire home for middle-aged diabetic bubbas, till they get to food heaven. Where they'll get into arguments about Nietsche and Kant with precisely the people they would never want their sisters to marry. Hairy butch dykes named 'Lulu-Belle'.
Who wears stained overalls and still smells like cow manure from her job at the combo hospital and veterinary clinic where they turn juveniles into space aliens.
Which is forbidden across the state line in Alabama.
Because the Bible!

I'm convinced that the main reason European tourists visit the United States is so that they can see things like that. There's probably a ride at Paris Disneyland that gave them a taste. Tonnes of Europeans will be visiting the U.S. during the World Cup, so be on your worst behaviour. They expect it. Remember, as the hosts, it's our duty to be disgracious.

Do all women there dress like Daisy Duke? Or just the ones under sixty?

Doesn't matter. And as long as the waitress who brings you the ice tea with that cup of extra sugar does, no one cares. And if Scarlet and Melanie are behind the grill slinging possum patties and burgoo, everything is fine. Want some Jack with that, hon?

Can your pet alligator do tricks? Sit, boy!


Years ago some good old boy lost his head when a support wire for an utility pole snapped it right off while he was leaning out of the passenger side window of his friend's pick-up truck. It's still roaming the swamp looking for a body to attach itself to, so don't go out after dark.




==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================