THE IMAGINARY SNIT: CULTURAL APPROPRIATION

Last week, an ethnically upset person threw a hissy at San Francisco State University about a white dude with dreadlocks, accusing him of appropriating something from her culture, which he had no right to do. Because dreadlocks are NOT something native to Caucasians.

Well, neither are coffee and soap.

Personally, as a person of pallor, I likewise wish that he wouldn't do the dreadlock thing. A nice military-style crew cut looks perfect. As does a lovely Japonesque tattoo of Nazi-Stormtrooper deity Thor smiting Loki with a hammer shaped like a mead beaker. In lieu of that horrid set of Chinese characters spelling out "kill me first, then insult my corpse" (death before dishonour).


Follows an exchange about bagels (also cultural appropriation!), directly lifted from a Facebook conversation in which I participated.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Primarily me.


Dutch American: I always wear a feather war-bonnet while eating bagels. While gloating over my growing collection of severed heads and drumming.

Genuine Jew on this thread: At least you're eating the bagels and collecting the severed heads, and not the other way around.

Dutch American: I think I need to raid another longhouse.

Dutch American: Actually, I'm just a little too Goyish to enjoy bagels often.

Dutch American: Croissants, on the other hand ...... Oh la la la, messieurs!

Wind Instrument teacher of impeccable taste: But, but, but: the everything bagel! Are we not in the clear with this?????

Genuine Jew on this thread: At that point, I would rule that you're not even talking bagels anymore. We'll let you slide.

Wind Instrument teacher of impeccable taste: My students are fond of the Cinnamon sugar bagel - ugh! At least the everything bagel seems like it would be accepted by secular Jews smile emoticon

Wind Instrument teacher of impeccable taste: How do I know my students's eating habits you may ask? Bagels are how I bribe them into getting up early enough to go to (weird musical event) every spring.

Dutch American: Cinnamon sugar? That's a donut.

Wind Instrument teacher of impeccable taste: Tell me about it! Or a roll.

Genuine Jew on this thread: Look at you guys, culturally appropriating away like there's no tomorrow. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Dutch American: Shame is cultural appropriation and cultural oppression. I am beyond that, my chakras are realligned.

Dutch American: Save the trees, and hug a dolphin, Batman.

Genuine Jew on this thread: Your chakras are leaking.

Dutch American: Oh damn. I need to chant mantras now.

Genuine Jew on this thread: Meh. There's no money in it.

Dutch American: Seeing money in everything is SO Dutch! I, personally am offended that you would appropriate the magic of my ancestral culture!

Dutch American: Next thing I know you'll be eating herring!

Genuine Jew on this thread: Oh you have opened the very gates of hell now. As a Yid I challenge you to a game of marbles.

Dutch American: We Dutch lost our marbles. Thank you SO much for reminding me of that painful episode! I will retire to my mandated safe zone now, stick my fingers in my ear, and loudly repeat "la la la"!

Dutch American: Oh wait, I'm culturally appropriating college student culture. Sorry.


[Comment string ends]


I think we've learned something here, haven't we? Let us all sit in a circle holding hands, and chant 'om'. A nice soothing cup of Oolong would be appropriate at this point, and if someone could do a sand painting of a mandala, that would be splendid. Let us burn sage.



The genuine Jew also said: "The depths of your perversions never cease to astound me.".


Perversion. That's a White Person Thing.
It's something we do very well.



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