A GIRL WITH A MACHETE

It has become apparent that I am out of touch with popular culture. Possibly because there is so little on television that I would want to watch. Ever since Arrested Development got axed, and the X-Files ended, it has been grim boob-tubing.

Actually, the last great series was Cow & Chicken.

And I'll admit I that obsess over the hot hot hot neurotic shiksas on Bob's Burgers. Louise will grow up to be a stick of dynamite, and Tina is one dysfunctional sex-obsessed mama.
Who doesn't like twisted juveniles with attention deficit disorder, gender role confusion, and psychotic tendencies?
All the other ladies, especially the adults, are whacked too.


"Hey, it's almost like music!"


I realized all this when I overheard cigar-smokers talking. Yes, there was a lot about the Real Housewives -- especial the witch craft practitioner in Southern California and the one-legged ego maniac in New York -- but the most interesting scrap was "the guy with the turtle terrified me". Unfortunately I do not know which show that was. Perhaps the one that featured a girl with a machete, but that could just as easily be "The Shahs of Sunset Boulevard", which I believe features a bunch of Gujaratis from just north of Bombay. Shahs are mercantile, and fairly close caste-kin of Patels. Sahukari ('Shah') means a banker or money lender, just like Patindar ('Patel') marks the maintainer of monetary and tax records.
I've never seen the show, but I can't imagine that a series about a group of irritating Desi kalamkaris can be really worth watching. Perhaps it's about flashy jewelry; both Shahs and Patels have a history of being gold-dealers.
Still, I cannot figure out how the turtle fits into this.
Or why a turtle, or tortoise, terrifies.
They aren't the same, btw.

Chelonians can be divided into sea-going (turtles) and land dwellers (tortoises). In Spanish, both are the same: Tortuga.

The only thing I know about turtles is that Lady Curzon Soup makes good use of their edible nature.

LADY CURZON SOUP

Four cups turtle broth.
Half a cup cream.
Half a cup of whipping cream.
Half a cup sherry.
Half a cup turtle scraps.
Two Tsp. Madras curry powder.
Pinch of mace.

Mix everything except the whipping cream over low heat, taking care that it does not boil. Then beat the bejazus out of the whipping cream, apportion the liquid over several small bowls or cups, and add whipping cream on top.

Nowadays it is usually made with mussel broth, as even the English have become averse to greenish-hued mysteries and chelonitoxism.

More complex recipes use two egg yolks beaten into the cream to make a richer experience. Add a little soup to this mixture, then increase the amount gradually to a full cup worth. This will ease the subsequent addition of the cream and yolk mixture to the rest of the soup.


So no, I do not know what current television show the cigar smokers so avidly discussed. The bits I heard indicated that it was much more violent and depraved than football, but had an internal logic and cohesion quite foreign to American sports.
I remain curious.


Not enough to join their conversation or watch their teevee shows, however. Life is too short for crap.




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