Saturday, December 21, 2013


The other day, while I was smoking my pipe in relative peace and quiet, another person approached and asked me bluntly whether I had achieved my totality. Naturally I was thrown for a loop.
I informed him that I occupied every single cubic centimetre of the flesh-vehicle I was in, and that my dimensions were a private matter.

Apparently that was not what he meant. He desired to know if I had done everything that needed doing, and grown in all ways that I was capable of.

Had this happened anywhere else but the San Francisco Bay Area, one would naturally assume that upon receiving a positive or affirmative response, the querent would then proceed to slaughter one savagely as a means of serving the universe. Like so many others. Given how totally batshit crazy the question is, and the ideas upon which both it and the self-arrogated right of asking are.

"Have you achieved your totality?"

I just had dinner, yes.

As it turns out, I'm supposed to be "one with existence", and have learned wisdom and peace. Do I leave a footprint, and am I capable of embracing the cosmos?

Again, that sounds like the next step is forceful erasure.
So let me phrase what I say next carefully.

"Actually, I'm capable of embracing this excellent navy flake in my pipe. It's from a tin that I left to mature for several years, before finally cracking the seal last week. Very nice and fruity. And I came from Chinatown, where I had a lovely meal at a Vietnamese Chinese restaurant. So my footprint is probably a little heavier than it was an hour ago -- don't worry, between there and here I walked on concrete, no grass got crushed -- and I am presently indeed feeling a little expansive. Not imperial or hegemonistic, just sated.
It's a fine night. And I am not raging.
Yes, I am at peace right now.
Still digesting."

After several further attempts to ask me spiritual crap, he gave up in frustration. And informed me in very clear terms that I was totally shallow, a consumerist, uncaring, and a negative draw on the universe. People like me were SO last century. How irresponsible! He expected more of a mature person like I seemed to be, I should have learned SOMETHING after all these years, idiot, it's plainly the right thing to do in this downward spiralling world! I was blind, completely blind!
Because of me, he averred, toxic waste happened, bags did not get recycled, and children were starving. Starving!

"Give me their addresses"


"Give me their addresses. You say children are starving, you must know where they are. Give me their addresses, and I'll send them tofu. In bags that I shall recycle. That will solve two of those problems, possibly three even, right there."

I thought it was a splendid way of approaching his issues.

He thinks my aura is irreparably black.

With luck, he'll remember.

And avoid me.

If he had hung around a little longer, I would have told him how to make bunny rabbit leather wallets and slippers. Which are very useful, especially in Australia. Because, in addition to being "dense", "cruel", "a destroyer of our precious environment", and an unenlightened person, not a spiritual soul, a taker not a giver, heartless, and co-responsible for all the death and destruction that goes on, as well as a karmic waste dump, I am, judging by my accent, 'Australian'.
And Australians speak horrid English. It's offensive.

In his considered earthfather judgment.

Nah. I'm NOT Australian.

Just obtuse.

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