Thursday, December 26, 2013


You, dear reader, know that I'm not at all what the subject line of this post says. I am not a girl pipesmoker. But had I actually been born a woman-person, I would be. Of course, I might ALSO be fed up with the reactions of both non-smokers and fervent smokers alike.

Non-smoker: Aaack, it's the anti-Christ, a sign of the end times! Do you know how BAD smoking is for you? You'll NEVER find a husband if you persist in that horrid habit.

Fervent smoker: Aaack, how delightful, there IS a god! Do you know how utterly ATTRACTIVE you are? Please PLEASE go out on a date with me, I know a place where we can light up.

Loyal readers know that I'm more likely to fall into the second of those categories than the first. Given that I myself smoke a pipe. Many pipes. Over one hundred of them. Significantly more than.
Closer to two hundred.

I have several that have never been smoked, however. Seeing as I have a rich fantasy life, in which I eventually find a nice young lady who would look perfect smoking some of them, and we might, if the universe goes terminally strange, end up with children, of either gender, who would appreciate being given an unsmoked collectable briar upon graduating summa cum laude.
That way they would not have to keep surreptitiously borrowing her or my smoking-equipment when we're not looking.

The dream of a soul-mate who not only does not disapprove at all of pipe-smoking, but actually does it well herself, AND remarkably would like to put up with the peculiarities of a middle-aged Dutch-American in San Francisco, is persistent. As well as magical, and incredibly enchanting.

I did say that I have a rich fantasy life, did I not?

A girl pipesmoker, one with spirit and good taste in briars, and a strong streak of individuality, would probably cause furrowed brows among the masses. Girls, they know, are not supposed to smoke pipes.
Pot, tattoos, piercings, and whore-goth make-up are all fine. Ignorance about world affairs and real literature? Also good. A shoe and handbag collection that represents the demise of several thousand endangered animals? That too is normal.

A perfect sharp-edged sandblast from a reputable maker, filled with a smoky Latakia mixture?

Aaaack!!! Aaaack!!! Aaaack!!!

Common sense dictates that you would rather know a girl pipesmoker than the pierced and tattooed shoe and handbag freak. If your daughter smoked a pipe, it would make you happy. Possibly even deliriously so.

Better she should collect briars than sexual partners.

Some things you only need one of.

Pipes, quite a few.


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