Monday, December 23, 2013


This blogger finds it very hard to get into the Christmas spirit. As well as, remarkably, the anti-Christmas spirit. For one thing, that narrative about the miraculous birth of a new deity, plus three wise guys, and a bunch of hysterical shepherds, does not resonate.
Neither does the folkloristic legend that there's a grossly overweight person flying around on a magic vehicle while chucking I-phones down chimneys. Who employs a whole bunch of leprechauns and super-mutant reindeer.

Time for a new story.

Once upon a time there was an old lady who decided to give every one of her relatives absolutely nothing in her will. Because all of her teeth had fallen out, her fridge was filled with tofu. As well as the freezer, and the ice chest in the den. Then in December, a tanker truck crashed into her suburban ranch-house and exploded. The result was that the neighborhood was covered in white muck from all the tofu, and she had to move in with her grandkids. They bought her a blender, so she never ate tofu again. This changed her life. To show her appreciation, she paid off their college loans, and everyone lived happily ever after.

And that is why we kind of like 'white Christmasses', and we tend to be somewhat half-heartedly generous towards complete strangers around this time of year.

Tofu gently falling from the sky at night, and a lovely fire in the gated community, destroying eye-sore architecture. It's festive, and it scares away the vengeful leprechauns and mutant reindeer.

Who might be armed with assault rifles.

And that's a very good thing.

Aren't you thankful?

For a real taste of Christmas, put some sliced turkey and cooked sweet potato in a blender, whir till smooth. Dust with nutmeg, and sell it for $4.50 as "The Caffeine-free Holiday Frappucino".

Bah, whatever.

Only 60 hours until the big post-holiday sales begin.
Just think of all the savings!

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


e-kvetcher said...

Can you explain this song?

The back of the hill said...

Two elderly aunties live with each other, comfortably and companionably. Their lives are pleasantly middle-class and quiet.
Then a third auntie dies and leaves them some lovely frocks. Which, as there is only one exemplar of each lovely frock, leads to quarrelling and resentment, they both want this one or that, and they are no longer happy together. So one of them decides to poison the other by putting rat poison in the coffee. Just to be sure that it won't taste suspicious, she tests it beforehand, and falls down dead. The other one now wears the pretty dresses all the time, albeit with some regret; she misses her companion, and life is a bit solitary and quiet.

The word use of the author is what makes it a very good piece. Witty, and painting a perfect picture.

Anonymous said...

Dat is een charmant verhaal! Merry Grinchmas to you ;)


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