A friend sincerely advised me that if I desired to end up in a relationship, hanging around with middle-aged cigar aficionados and pipe-smoking oddballs was NOT the way to go about it.
She couldn't think of anything less likely to cause a romantic accident than that.
Well, I know that.
The problem is that I enjoy conversation.
The venues that she suggested are not conducive to any type of interesting or even entertaining chit-chat.
Dance-clubs and health-spas.
Places where, as she put it, women hang out.
Good heavens, girl, I do NOT want to hang out with women!
A PERVERSE OLD GOAT WISHES TO TAKE A DAMSEL OUT FOR JOOK, SNACKIPOOS, AND POSSIBLY A MOVIE!
There. That about says it. Dating just isn't part of my skill-set. If a situation occurred in which I could find myself asking a girl out on a "date", my idea of what we should do together is eat at a place which is good for people-watching, then go for a long stroll through quiet streets exchanging snarky witticisms and mentioning the books we read.
Perhaps quoting semi-randomly from Monty Python.
During the day-time.
I haven't dated anyone in years.
The concept itself is somewhat absurd, too. The whole purpose of a date is to get to know someone, but the fallacy therein is that in order to want to spend time with another person, one already has to know them reasonably well.
More to the point, the young lady in question would have to want to spend time with me. If having a conversation with me bores her, that wouldn't be a date so much as an endurance test.
Getting back to the aforementioned dance-clubs and health-spas, that is not where the right people can be found. Those who like jook, snackipoos, and casual walks that involve relaxed conversation, books, and Monty Python references.
I do not know where such people hang out.
But I suspect that they stay at home a lot.
This pog ('perverse old goat') would like to meet someone who knows the words to The Lumberjack Song, The Philosophers Song, or Always Look On The Bright Side of Life.
If she's ever seen Michael Palin and John Cleese performing the fish slapping dance, or the military fairy, so much the better!
* * * * *
Gratuitous final remark: If the sweet young thing ALSO understands the sheer importance of defending oneself against someone armed with a banana, I very well might fall at her feet and worship her.
Seriously. Bananas are terrifying.
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6 comments:
Try the Marina Safeway, next to the banana section.
Word to the wise. A middle aged man looking for "young ladies" or "young girls" sounds, may I put this delicately? Creepy.
"Women". Thats the word for what you are looking for. Women.
But I am creepy!
And note that ALL women, from eighteen to eighty, are "young ladies". Always.
If one cannot think of a woman as being a 'young lady', perhaps one should not think of women at all.
In the same manner, all bachelors are 'boys'.
Vibrant lively boys.
Possibly even 'meaty boys', as the inverted Anthony Blanche averred when offered a dunking. But always boyish.
"Try the Marina Safeway, next to the banana section."
Hey, do you mean next to those terrifying things? That doesn't seem right.
"The fish slapping dance or the military fairy"
There's nothing like a romantic little strut and wiggle, eh?
And butch uniforms.
PErverse Old Goat - rather an accurate description, old man.
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