Monday, August 15, 2011


One desperate single male, almost certainly Bengali, was pulled into my blog recently by means of the phrase above: 'naked school girl'.


I assume we're talking about a nineteen or twenty year-old, yes? Someone who has already applied to Berkeley, Stanford, M.I.T., or, heaven preserve us, the institution where my super-brilliant cousin is teaching?

A fine young thing.

By happenstance, frequently quite naked.

A naked schoolgirl!

Perhaps she had disrobed for a bath... or was lying on her bed, airing out AFTER a nice hot shower and a splash of perfumed skin refresher.
Happily thinking about all kinds of nice things.....

Chocolate cake, wonton noodle soup, steamed oysters, roshgullas, flaky meat pies, bon bons, romance novels, romantic vampires, samosas, and dairy products.....
Yankee pot-roast, madeleines, pudding.
Crustaceans, pizza, dim sum.

As well as, perhaps, a vibrant Dutch-American.

Like myself.

Should the occasion arise, I would with pleasure cover your naked form with warm ghee and lick it off.
Or oyster sauce, if you are into an ethnic thing.
The high salt-content would almost certainly give me hyper-tension, or send me into shock - heaven knows at my advanced age (over thirty) it could prove quite a trial - but I'm willing to suffer as long as it makes you happy.
Anything for a giggle. It's worth it.
I am a gallant fellow.
Just dream of my tongue, miss. Velvety, warm, and quite agile.
Let us ignore the symptoms of heart-attack and hypertension, or the sheer nausea from too much salty condiment, turning green and clutching my stomach, on the verge of a gag-reflex.

Cold sweats, shaking, and eyes rolling back in their sockets.
Seizures! It's the big one, Elizabeth!
Hands turning death white.
My trembling and clammy digits.
I am the degenerate the doctor ordered.

Do NOT call 911 quite as yet.
I'm fine. Honest!
This happens all the time.

Convulsions are NORMAL.

Alas, the effect of warm melted ghee would be no less worrisome.
No matter how petite the damsel in question, I figure it would need at least four cups. To the best of my knowledge no one has ever survived four cups of ghee, although IF someone has, it was no doubt a Bengali. Probably a bohut moti maheshyari vakil or banker, who washed down the clarified butter with a few laddoos, a rosmalai or two, sondesh, rimjim, and diluted it all with a BIG bucket of mistee dohi. Mmm, yummers!

Maybe her nudity has other causes. It was a sweltering day, perhaps?
Mom and dad are visiting an aunt in the South-Bay, and she's never had the opportunity to swan about in the buff? Eat bon bons in the nude? There's a full-length mirror in her room, and she wants to see how those high heels make her look?

Hot! Trust me.

They're killers.

Sex-death heels.

You look grand!

Khub shundar!

Where precisely do you want the warm ghee?

Did you know that Buddhadev Bhosu versified enchantingly about rivulets of ghee and honey cascading down the supine body of his mistress?
A surprising fact! Given that he was a small spare man, one would never have suspected so luxurious a frailty.


There's also the distinct possibility that the nudity of the young miss in question is either figmentary or a mental blip.
In the first case, you are just imagining it. Please stop. It isn't good for your emotional health. You'll bust a vein.
If it's merely a mental blip, no harm done, though pursuing the matter on the internet suggests more than mere blip, it actually says 'obsession'.
In which case you might want to seek professional help.

[NOTE: This blog is NOT 'professional help', but rather 'incidental perversion'. Or 'random electronic degeneracy'.
As well as pipe tobacco, zebra cooking tips, and random anecdotes. Sorry.]

Maybe in a fit of forgetfulness she forgot her clothes?
Or she decided to do laundry, and dumped everything in. After all, she's in the house alone, the rest of the family is down in San Jose visiting that aunt, not due back for hours.
Such freedom, such airiness.
Time to get a spot of reading done.
Now, where is that novel about the vampire and the chocolate cake?

Her eyebrows dimple enchantingly as she reads about the saturnine stranger with the platter of sliced Black Forest, whipped cream, dark gooey icing.......
Entranced, she does not notice a drop of moisture trailing down her back.

I can't tell you how often I myself get distracted by À la Recherche du Temps Perdu while in a state of profound undress. There's just something about a good book that encourages nakedness.

You cannot eat madeleines fully clothed - they crumble so.

Picture, if you will, a slim young thing happily flaked out on the couch, glowing all over and fragrant from her recent ablutions, leafing through a thick tome while munching a crisp apple.
Such a lovely thought, don't you agree?

Shame on you, my Bengali friend, now you've got ME convinced that a naked schoolgirl is an altogether splendid thing.

I used to be so wholesome!

For a totally Bong approach to the schoolgirl, pop a handful of mustard seeds (sorshon ka beej) in a cup or two of hot ghee. Then wait for it to cool down to a reasonable temperature before lovingly drizzling it all over the subject. Please note that the little black globules will get everywhere - that is the point of the exercise utterly! Add a sprinkle of tej patta for artistic effect, plus a judicious pinch here and there of dry mango powder and cayenne.

A trickle of cooling dohi would NOT be out of place.

It might look perverse. But it is aesthetically justified.

And turmeric sauce! It's good for the skin!


It is highly advisable that we both step away from the ghee.

Let us purify ourselves by chanting slokas from the shahma sanggeets.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:

All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


Anonymous said...

Worrying about you....
Now more than ever.

Anonymous said...

This is a tribute to Bengali culture, yes?

Me me meee! said...

Smooth warm ghee! Eee!

Anonymous said...

You're gay.

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